Chapter two

"You're a monster Quatre.. A monster"

I dropped both my arms at my side, sighing heavily. I was tired, very, very tired, and physically tired wasn't even the half of it. The back of my head was pounding, my arm stung due to the 20 or so cuts on it, and the side of my back was almost numb with pain. Even with all that, the majority of the pain was still inside.

That sounds –so- cliché.

Like I'm the only one with pain all on the inside. No way, I know for a fact, that a million more people suffer a million times more then I do. I know that for a fact, for I know how many soldiers I killed how many families I ruined in the name of –peace-. I deserve this 'suffering' and I know that no matter what, my 'pain' is nothing compared to those who lost loved ones.

I'll never be able to find a way to make it up to all those I hurt.

I sigh inwardly and look over at the clock. 3:42. Damn. It's getting late.. not that I should mind, I don't have a thing to do tomorrow, no place to go, no one to see, nothing.

I stand up shakily, not minding the pain from my back. I look at the floor from where I was sitting and see a fair amount of blood, some dry some not. I shrug it off, I'll clean it later.

I walk to the bathroom and look in the large mirror on the wall.

I looked like crap. My hair hadn't been cut recently and was about an inch shy of reaching my shoulders, and it was pretty much a tangled mess at this point. There were dark circles under my eyes from my lack of sleep, wich darkly contrasted with the almost sheet-like paleness of my face.

My left arm had numerous little rivers of blood stained on it, as most of the cuts has stopped bleeding by now, while my back was still bleeding, not as bad as it was though.

I sighed and turned away from the mirror, facing the shower. I figured I needed some way to clean up the mess I had made of myself, and a shower seemed like a good idea. I turned on the water, not really caring about the temperature. I stripped out of my clothes and stepped in, the water being a little more then warm. I sat on the floor of the shower, and fell naturally into the position with my knees to my chest and my arms limply wrapped around them.

The hot water on my cuts burned, badly. I shrugged and turned the water even hotter, burning my skin only slightly and stinging the cuts even more. I watched the water go down the drain, diluted red water, as the cuts were still bleeding, and the water was only making then bleed more. I didn't care.

I didn't care about anything.

I turned the water as hot as it could go without killing myself.

"Quatre you IDIOT!" I said through clenched teeth.

Here I was again, fists clenched, heart racing. Pain.

The shower was hot, hot enough to burn. But dammit! No matter how hot I made the water, or how deep the cuts were it couldn't cleanse my soul. Nothing could.

I'm a dirty, dirty freak. Nothing can clean me, no matter how much pain I use… I'll always be dirty.

Logic. The boys would laugh at how illogical I'm being. I –know- cutting or burning or whatever the heck I do, I can't erase other people's pain, nor could I ever erase the hate and anger quite literally BURNING within my soul.

Burning….

I love that word.. more so then bleeding.

Even more then broken.

Bleeding. Bleeding is merely what happens immediately after an injury. After you kill someone you bleed. You're heart bleeds sorry, immense amount of sorrow come bleeding out. But it eventually stops, may sting a little when you pay attention to it, but the bleeding stops and it scars.

Some scars can fade away.

Broken. Broken is a nice word. Broken is what happens after you lose someone very, very dear. Broken is what happens when everything in your world falls apart. Broken is what you see as the end of you. You can break. You can break many times, you can break and break and break until all that is left is dust. Dust seems so natural and calm to me though. You can break, but you can still be fixed, never back to perfection, but you can be fixed. Broken is merely big, visible scars. Many, many scars all big and shining is broken. You can never be the same after you break. But it is never the end.

Broken is never the end.

Burning. I love that word. If someone asked me what word describes me the best, it would be burning. Burning, like a raging fire burning my soul. Burning from the inside out, shaking and trembling in the flame. The flame of my thoughts, burning away at my sanity. The flame of everyone I killed, burning my soul, burning my thoughts. The raging fire, roaring and burning. The flames screaming, deafening me, the scream, the utter ANGER tearing apart my soul. Burning my heart, burning my logic. BURNING!! An endless flame destroying me. Burning. Burning me till all that will be left will be ash.

Ash cannot be fixed. Ever.

"Quatre… you idiot….." nothing I do is logical, nothing. There is no logical reason for anything I do. Even now, I just spent hours beating and chopping myself up, and yet I still have to burn myself in the shower at nearly 4 am. I'm such an… I don't even know, words can barely describe the monster I've turned myself into.

The water was becoming warm instead of hot. Damn…

I ran my fingers through my soaked hair and looked at the water again. It was still mixing with blood but a lot less now. I sat there staring at the water running down the drain, staring, oddly not thinking about anything. Just staring.

I vaguely realized that the water was becoming very cold very fast. When it was a bout freezing, I realized the water was running clear and that I had become… very… cold.

I turned off the water sighing and stood up. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel drying myself off. There was a small amount of light shining in through the window, as the sun was starting to rise. I sighed, dried off some more and went to my room. I get in pajamas and laid down on my bed, my mind deciding that it was drained for the day. I noted that I didn't have anything to do tomorrow, I have very little to do these days.

I still felt cold from the hot to freezing shower. I felt tired over all of that though. I was almost asleep, images from what I did in the last couple of hours vaguely played over in my head.

Man… I was such a… fuck-up.

I fell asleep.

I woke up and my head was pounding and all my muscles felt like shit. I sat up abruptly and went into a coughing fit. I shivered inwardly and sneezed then started coughing again.

Dammit, I was sick.

I thought to the shower I took, very hot to very cold and wondered if that was what had caused me to get sick. I also heard around that a lot of people were getting sick, a minor bug that just makes you feel like shit.

Well damn, the bug caught me.

I stand up and walk to the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet, finding it devoid of any medicine that could help me. I put my hand to my forehead and guessed it was a bit over normal. I was gonna need –something- if I didn't want to feel like shit.

Not that I would mind, but I realize that it would hurt a hell of a lot to cut while feeling like this.

Logic was thrown out the window again. I wanted to feel better so I could slash myself up.

I sigh and walk back to my room, look at the clock, seeing it's about noon. I pull out some black clothes from the closet and get dressed. I've started wearing black lately, if one of my wounds start to bleed you can't see it on black. That and the pastel colors were slightly… annoying, when clashed against the darkness that seemed to have settled upon my soul in the last few months.

I decided I needed to go to the store to get some medicine. Normally I could have had one of the magunacs go and get something for me, but I wasn't living with them anymore.

Besides, I knew how to drive and I did like driving, I found it calming. I figured I would take a long drive, get lost, end up at a store about three hours away and then find my way back. I can make going to the store an all day experience.

I grabbed the keys off of a desk and went to the car, walking slowly as I was feeling like crap and my back was practically screaming in pain.

I went out to the car, locking the door to my house. I got in the car and started to drive.

I wasn't thrilled at the way I was feeling, and I didn't want to see people. I happened to have grown a slight dislike for large amounts of people.

I wasn't driving cautiously, though it's hard for me to drive recklessly, with my training as a gundam pilot and all.

I just wasn't going out of my way to avoid death.

"not that I have a death wish or anything… heh…"