Disclaimers: they owe me.. dun sue them, I don't think you -would- want me
^_^;
Warning: uhmmm this one is.. well.. language warning (vereh bad word kiddies!! Never use these words around adults.. you get in monja trouble.. unless you have parents who dun care, then you just make them look at you oddly and go 'eh?').. and uhmmm.. kinda.. yukiness factor ^_^ (Grey matter stew .. yum yum.) ^___________^ hehehe I had fun writing this.. probably too much fun writing this for the good of my mental .. uhmmm.. insanity.. nope no sanity left.. none whatsoever *twitch* *chews on the napkin and grins all wide maniac like giggling madly* squeak!
Time lapse again: Quatre just left for the shower.
~~~~~~
Shame.
I watched Quatre closed the door to the bathroom. I slid my back down against the counter in the kitchen until I was sitting on the floor. I slammed the back of my head against the counter. Then I slammed my head into it again.. and again.
Shame.
Such a fucking powerful word.
I raked my fingers through my bangs sighing heavily and then punched the floor growling slightly.
"dammit." I ran both my hands through my bangs again, "dammit.." I grabbed the back of my braid with my one hand and pulled it tightly, "DAMMIT!" I punched the floor with both my hands and slammed the back of my head into the wall behind me forcefully.
I didn't want to do a damn fucking thing. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want Quatre to be here, and I didn't want to cut, FUCK! I didn't even want to breathe.
"Shame" my voice sounded empty, almost not even real, hell when does it actually sound real?
But the word was there, even if my voice wasn't, the word itself screamed out so fucking loudly that I still think it's a miracle, or a curse that my head hasn't completely blown up. or even better, having the word scream so loudly in my mind that it fries all the nerves and sends me into a one way trip down the path of destruction. Fucking frying my mind, sending me completely over the deep end.
Hell, maybe I would have a razor.. going insane enough to just hack the fucking hell out of me and slowly bleed to death. Relish in the satisfying feeling of the warm thick blood flowing out of me, taking all the insanity with it, the madness some fucked people call a life.
Even if I didn't have a razor, I could kill myself with practically anything, drown my self in the tub, hanging myself from a tree or something, taking a shitload of pills, hell,. I could gouge my eye out with a plastic spoon and then either bleed to death or shove the spoon into my brain and make grey matter stew.
Nah, I would be to cursed to die, I could probably take a hundred pills, slash my wrists, and try to drown myself in the tub, somehow take like.. three to few pills, miss the major veins by a millimeter and float to the top right before completely drowning and manage to survive the whole ordeal. That would be my luck.
What's the fucking point?! Dammit its just so fucking useless, no one does anything, the whole fucking universe is in hell. Seriously, anything good that ever happens is shadowed by all the million bad things that happen. no on is ever truly happy and if they are, then they're on some shit-ass good medication.
What's the point.
There is no point, there's no point for anything. Not my life, not Quatre's life, not Hilde's life, no one's. no one really wants to live through all the bullshit that goes on all the fucking time.
Even if by some miracle you get satisfied with your personal life the real world outside of your sad sick happy delusion fucks it up.
The fucking universe needs to end, just to completely erase all the pain, all the sorrow, madness, guilt fear insanity, everything. Just have the entire universe realize that somewhere something fucked up big time.
Universal suicide.
I hear someone laughing pretty insanely and realize shortly that its me.
Universal suicide, I get this picture of the entire universe saying fuck it, and downing a really, really, really, fucking big bottle of something toxic enough to kill it off.
Yet in all honestly the universe would probably just realize it fucked up and sacrifice itself, to end the million of tiny, insignificant lifeforms. Just suck itself in and implode upon itself, pulling every fucking star, planet, nebula, and everything else that resides in the great glowing ball of fuckedness and just burn itself out, turn into one really fucking big black hole.. or something.
Yeah, that would be nice.
But it'll never happen. at least not in my lifetime.
Damn, and I really wanted front row seats to the end of the world.
Oh well maybe next time.
I laugh dryly again and put my head in my hands. My shoulders shake with laugher that hit the brink of insanity. Common thing for me actually, happens all the fucking time.
I'm not crying but it almost seems like I am, crying without the tears, how fucking ironic to feel the pain but not getting the normal effect. Sounds familiar.
Cutting my arms to hell, feeling the pain but not getting the normal effect. I've read a lot about self-mutilation, I know its actually pretty common. I also know that generally people do it as a sort of release, they get angry or sad or some shit and cut themselves and it helps them feel better. Others might do it because they want a pain that they know they can feel, something they find real, they get all emotional or lack of emotions and just want to feel something, anything that feels real.
I make chop suey out of my body for the sheer fucked fun of it. Oh yeah, leave it to me to leap out of all sorts of statistics and 'normal' reason for doing things.
Normal reasons for hacking the hell out of yourself.. That's become something people talk about a lot. And they wonder why I want the universe to end.
Oh yeah, they say -I'm- the illogical one, more like the only one who takes the time to open my fucking eyes and view the destruction around me.
Oh well, nothing I can do about it.
Not that there's anything I would want to do about it. Its not my job to take on the problems of everyone else who has issues.
DAMMIT!
I slam my head into the wall of the counter behind me again.
There's that happy fucking word screaming into my mind again, wracking apart my mind.
Shame. Shame, shame, shame, fucking SHAME!
Guilt for everything I've ever done. All the people I killed, all the lives I ruined, everything, all the friends I had in schools that I just left without so much as a goodbye. Guilt for everything, all the people I've tainted.. everything,
Guilt for what I did to Hilde..
Guilt for what I almost did to Quatre last night.
What kind of CREEP does that to his best fucking friends?! What kind of monster take sick sadistic pleasure is seeing other people being scared?!?
What the FUCK am I!?!?!
I dig my nails into the sides of my head and growl in utter frustration.
I cant believe I almost did that to Quatre last night. Goddammit he's here cuz he's sick as hell and I'm supposed to be trying to help him out and shit. And what the fuck do I do? nearly give him a concussion, handcuff him, throw him on a bed, nearly burn him and I would have cut him and who else knows what if I didn't see that he cuts himself too.
Dammit he cuts himself too.
I know from reading and just looking around that self mutilation isn't an uncommon thing in teenagers these days, and I actually expected most of the soldiers in the war to be doing it too.
Hell, I expected that the other gundam pilots would do it. But I never really thought Quatre would. He just.. seems so perfect and all that other glorious shit to be someone who hacks the hell out of himself. And I thought that even if he did cut and shit, it wouldn't look as bad as it does. His arm looked like hell and his back was just scary.
I mean, I'm one to talk, I've cut almost everywhere, but I don't think I ever thought of slashing my back up. damn, I have a shit load of scars too, more then Quatre most likely but still.
He isn't the normal couple random cuts here and there, that's for sure.
He's still the one I got closest too during the war. Hell, I think I've gotten closer to him during the war then I did with anyone else total, even Hilde.
Hilde. Dammit. I was never really close with her, we didn't have really serious conversations that much, I was always afraid of telling her too much, just losing control of what I'm saying and completely scare her away.
But somehow she found out I cut. She confronted me about it and I ended up telling her a little bit about it. Not a whole lot but apparently enough. When we first met, she didn't cut herself, and when she first found out that I did, she still didn't. it was after talking with me for a long enough time that she started. She does it more for the reason of say getting angry and releasing the tension. But she got the idea from me.
I left shortly after I found out she started cutting, I didn't want to be around her, I was a bad influence, she would have only gotten worse quicker if I stayed. So, I left.
I always leave. I fuck people up and leave.
Shame.
It's the only thing I can feel anymore.
It's the only thing I want to feel anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a/n .. whee ^_^ wow.. uhmmm.. sorry if that kinda seems a little ranty.. ^_^;; lol, there's something wrong with me, I had a realleh good day and I came home and wrote this o.o;; . its 6:10 in the morning and I;'m not tired yet.. oh yeah.. I've got issues ^_^ REVIEW!! Pwease .. make meh happy ^_^;;
Warning: uhmmm this one is.. well.. language warning (vereh bad word kiddies!! Never use these words around adults.. you get in monja trouble.. unless you have parents who dun care, then you just make them look at you oddly and go 'eh?').. and uhmmm.. kinda.. yukiness factor ^_^ (Grey matter stew .. yum yum.) ^___________^ hehehe I had fun writing this.. probably too much fun writing this for the good of my mental .. uhmmm.. insanity.. nope no sanity left.. none whatsoever *twitch* *chews on the napkin and grins all wide maniac like giggling madly* squeak!
Time lapse again: Quatre just left for the shower.
~~~~~~
Shame.
I watched Quatre closed the door to the bathroom. I slid my back down against the counter in the kitchen until I was sitting on the floor. I slammed the back of my head against the counter. Then I slammed my head into it again.. and again.
Shame.
Such a fucking powerful word.
I raked my fingers through my bangs sighing heavily and then punched the floor growling slightly.
"dammit." I ran both my hands through my bangs again, "dammit.." I grabbed the back of my braid with my one hand and pulled it tightly, "DAMMIT!" I punched the floor with both my hands and slammed the back of my head into the wall behind me forcefully.
I didn't want to do a damn fucking thing. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want Quatre to be here, and I didn't want to cut, FUCK! I didn't even want to breathe.
"Shame" my voice sounded empty, almost not even real, hell when does it actually sound real?
But the word was there, even if my voice wasn't, the word itself screamed out so fucking loudly that I still think it's a miracle, or a curse that my head hasn't completely blown up. or even better, having the word scream so loudly in my mind that it fries all the nerves and sends me into a one way trip down the path of destruction. Fucking frying my mind, sending me completely over the deep end.
Hell, maybe I would have a razor.. going insane enough to just hack the fucking hell out of me and slowly bleed to death. Relish in the satisfying feeling of the warm thick blood flowing out of me, taking all the insanity with it, the madness some fucked people call a life.
Even if I didn't have a razor, I could kill myself with practically anything, drown my self in the tub, hanging myself from a tree or something, taking a shitload of pills, hell,. I could gouge my eye out with a plastic spoon and then either bleed to death or shove the spoon into my brain and make grey matter stew.
Nah, I would be to cursed to die, I could probably take a hundred pills, slash my wrists, and try to drown myself in the tub, somehow take like.. three to few pills, miss the major veins by a millimeter and float to the top right before completely drowning and manage to survive the whole ordeal. That would be my luck.
What's the fucking point?! Dammit its just so fucking useless, no one does anything, the whole fucking universe is in hell. Seriously, anything good that ever happens is shadowed by all the million bad things that happen. no on is ever truly happy and if they are, then they're on some shit-ass good medication.
What's the point.
There is no point, there's no point for anything. Not my life, not Quatre's life, not Hilde's life, no one's. no one really wants to live through all the bullshit that goes on all the fucking time.
Even if by some miracle you get satisfied with your personal life the real world outside of your sad sick happy delusion fucks it up.
The fucking universe needs to end, just to completely erase all the pain, all the sorrow, madness, guilt fear insanity, everything. Just have the entire universe realize that somewhere something fucked up big time.
Universal suicide.
I hear someone laughing pretty insanely and realize shortly that its me.
Universal suicide, I get this picture of the entire universe saying fuck it, and downing a really, really, really, fucking big bottle of something toxic enough to kill it off.
Yet in all honestly the universe would probably just realize it fucked up and sacrifice itself, to end the million of tiny, insignificant lifeforms. Just suck itself in and implode upon itself, pulling every fucking star, planet, nebula, and everything else that resides in the great glowing ball of fuckedness and just burn itself out, turn into one really fucking big black hole.. or something.
Yeah, that would be nice.
But it'll never happen. at least not in my lifetime.
Damn, and I really wanted front row seats to the end of the world.
Oh well maybe next time.
I laugh dryly again and put my head in my hands. My shoulders shake with laugher that hit the brink of insanity. Common thing for me actually, happens all the fucking time.
I'm not crying but it almost seems like I am, crying without the tears, how fucking ironic to feel the pain but not getting the normal effect. Sounds familiar.
Cutting my arms to hell, feeling the pain but not getting the normal effect. I've read a lot about self-mutilation, I know its actually pretty common. I also know that generally people do it as a sort of release, they get angry or sad or some shit and cut themselves and it helps them feel better. Others might do it because they want a pain that they know they can feel, something they find real, they get all emotional or lack of emotions and just want to feel something, anything that feels real.
I make chop suey out of my body for the sheer fucked fun of it. Oh yeah, leave it to me to leap out of all sorts of statistics and 'normal' reason for doing things.
Normal reasons for hacking the hell out of yourself.. That's become something people talk about a lot. And they wonder why I want the universe to end.
Oh yeah, they say -I'm- the illogical one, more like the only one who takes the time to open my fucking eyes and view the destruction around me.
Oh well, nothing I can do about it.
Not that there's anything I would want to do about it. Its not my job to take on the problems of everyone else who has issues.
DAMMIT!
I slam my head into the wall of the counter behind me again.
There's that happy fucking word screaming into my mind again, wracking apart my mind.
Shame. Shame, shame, shame, fucking SHAME!
Guilt for everything I've ever done. All the people I killed, all the lives I ruined, everything, all the friends I had in schools that I just left without so much as a goodbye. Guilt for everything, all the people I've tainted.. everything,
Guilt for what I did to Hilde..
Guilt for what I almost did to Quatre last night.
What kind of CREEP does that to his best fucking friends?! What kind of monster take sick sadistic pleasure is seeing other people being scared?!?
What the FUCK am I!?!?!
I dig my nails into the sides of my head and growl in utter frustration.
I cant believe I almost did that to Quatre last night. Goddammit he's here cuz he's sick as hell and I'm supposed to be trying to help him out and shit. And what the fuck do I do? nearly give him a concussion, handcuff him, throw him on a bed, nearly burn him and I would have cut him and who else knows what if I didn't see that he cuts himself too.
Dammit he cuts himself too.
I know from reading and just looking around that self mutilation isn't an uncommon thing in teenagers these days, and I actually expected most of the soldiers in the war to be doing it too.
Hell, I expected that the other gundam pilots would do it. But I never really thought Quatre would. He just.. seems so perfect and all that other glorious shit to be someone who hacks the hell out of himself. And I thought that even if he did cut and shit, it wouldn't look as bad as it does. His arm looked like hell and his back was just scary.
I mean, I'm one to talk, I've cut almost everywhere, but I don't think I ever thought of slashing my back up. damn, I have a shit load of scars too, more then Quatre most likely but still.
He isn't the normal couple random cuts here and there, that's for sure.
He's still the one I got closest too during the war. Hell, I think I've gotten closer to him during the war then I did with anyone else total, even Hilde.
Hilde. Dammit. I was never really close with her, we didn't have really serious conversations that much, I was always afraid of telling her too much, just losing control of what I'm saying and completely scare her away.
But somehow she found out I cut. She confronted me about it and I ended up telling her a little bit about it. Not a whole lot but apparently enough. When we first met, she didn't cut herself, and when she first found out that I did, she still didn't. it was after talking with me for a long enough time that she started. She does it more for the reason of say getting angry and releasing the tension. But she got the idea from me.
I left shortly after I found out she started cutting, I didn't want to be around her, I was a bad influence, she would have only gotten worse quicker if I stayed. So, I left.
I always leave. I fuck people up and leave.
Shame.
It's the only thing I can feel anymore.
It's the only thing I want to feel anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a/n .. whee ^_^ wow.. uhmmm.. sorry if that kinda seems a little ranty.. ^_^;; lol, there's something wrong with me, I had a realleh good day and I came home and wrote this o.o;; . its 6:10 in the morning and I;'m not tired yet.. oh yeah.. I've got issues ^_^ REVIEW!! Pwease .. make meh happy ^_^;;