Disclamer: uhmm I don't know it. Honest. My camel still isn't happy.
Warnings: uhmm, talk of yaoi. uhmm.. shounen ai content? (WHEE)
Pairings: 4x2 (der)
Notes: uhhmmm. yeah. sorry if this is confusing.
Chapter 18:
I couldn't breathe.
Another tear ran down my face, the last of them, as I stared up, up at nothing.
I couldn't breath. It was horrible. Unsuspected, unwanted.. I think.. it wasn't. Oh my god. I didn't want it to be this way, I didn't want it to be something that will make me remember how bad things are these days, I didn't want to remember this. I didn't want this to happened.
I didn't want to be kissed.
Time was slow, too slow, creeping along as centuries disguised as seconds, it was cold, my face was streaked with tears. This wasn't how I wanted it to be.
I don't love him.
I barely know him, I mean, we spent some time together, sure, but that doesn't mean I know him, it doesn't. We barely know each other. We barely know anything. We both cut. We know that. I can't believe that he does that, only someone fucked up like me does that, he's not fucked up, he's happy, he's carefree. He can kill without remorse. that's what he says, dammit its what he says. Only I'm fucked up, only I think this way, he's fine, he's happy, he's healthy. He's sane. Like everyone but me. I don't know him, he doesn't know me, and we don't love each other.
I couldn't breath. But it wasn't so bad. I looked at his eyes. They were tightly shut, he looked almost as if he was in pain.
He didn't want this any more then I did.
I know it hadn't been nearly as long as it felt. He didn't want this anymore then I did, I can feel it. He isn't.. he isn't. He is. He is like me.
I tentatively raised my hand and placed it gently on his shoulder. He pulled back from me quickly, as if snapped out of a trance. He opened his mouth as if to say something but promptly closed it, then reopened it, then reclosed it, he repeated that motion a few times, his eyes wide and blinking. He backed away farther from me slightly and held his head in his hands.
"Shit. Shit shit oh shit-shit-shit. No.. NO." He started shaking his head back and forth, I went to go put my hand on his shoulder but the second I touched him he recoiled further away from me.
I cleared my throat slightly, thinking of something to say. "Uhmmm.. Duo.. don't worry about it. It.. was.. just.. a kiss." I blinked as he looked up at me, almost looking frightened.
"But.. You're a boy."
"So I've been told." What would that have.. oh.. shit..
"I'm a boy too." His eyes got wider, as if he was talking to himself more then to me. He didn't think he was gay.
"Duo.. it's okay if you-"
"NO! no.. no it's not okay. Quatre.. its.. not. I mean.. you.. you aren't.. . .. " He gasped slightly as if realizing something. "You're gay aren't you?"
Hoi.. I took a deep breath, shifting my gaze to the floor. "Well." My reaction was about as good as just saying yes. I had honestly known for quite some time. He put his hands back in his hands. "Look, Duo, calm down, there's nothing wrong with it." I was having a hard time managing to voice my words at this point. My stomach was turning in the most anxious way. I was sure I was blushing, my hands were feeling cold. He looked up at me helplessly.
"But.. maybe I'm not gay, maybe it's just, you.. or.. something. we're friends and all. I've never really had time for friends, and now. it's just. I don't know what I'm saying. Quatre, you're my closest friend. I don't know, maybe I don't really even know you but I feel like I do, like we always knew each other. Hilde. she always seemed to wonder why I could openly flirt with her so easily and yet never seemed to get close. I guess maybe I wondered more about it then she did though. You.. dammit I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter, I don't care what people think. I don't know. You're my closest friend." My stomach turned more, I could tell he was just sort of rambling on but he needed too I guess, hell I pretty much did the same thing when I realized. He was avoiding my eyes. I moved a little closer to him, this time when I put my hand on his shoulder he didn't move away. I moved my hand from his shoulder to the back of his neck.
He shook his head slowly. "But.. I'm. not. gay." He said, slowly, not very convincingly. Not very convincingly at all. He made no attempt to pull away as I pulled him closer by the neck.
"Yes you are." I said quietly as I pulled him to me and kissed him again. He seemed tentative at first, I could feel tears on my cheeks, but I wasn't sure whose they were. It wasn't long until his arms were wrapped around me, just as mine were around him.
Though its not love, It means something. (1)
//////////
A/n: Uhmm.. whee? REVIEW. Please. ... please. Whee. O_o;;
quote from Depeche Mode (best band EVER) song: Nothing, (pretty sure that's the title.. don't sue me if it isn't, its jus the one line, the rest of the song doesn't fit too well)
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NEXT!!!! *sob* uhmm.. I really dunno what to do next. I think I have a small idea but I dunno. I'll try to work on this more now that my writer;s block of hell is over. -_-
Chapter 18:
I couldn't breathe.
Another tear ran down my face, the last of them, as I stared up, up at nothing.
I couldn't breath. It was horrible. Unsuspected, unwanted.. I think.. it wasn't. Oh my god. I didn't want it to be this way, I didn't want it to be something that will make me remember how bad things are these days, I didn't want to remember this. I didn't want this to happened.
I didn't want to be kissed.
Time was slow, too slow, creeping along as centuries disguised as seconds, it was cold, my face was streaked with tears. This wasn't how I wanted it to be.
I don't love him.
I barely know him, I mean, we spent some time together, sure, but that doesn't mean I know him, it doesn't. We barely know each other. We barely know anything. We both cut. We know that. I can't believe that he does that, only someone fucked up like me does that, he's not fucked up, he's happy, he's carefree. He can kill without remorse. that's what he says, dammit its what he says. Only I'm fucked up, only I think this way, he's fine, he's happy, he's healthy. He's sane. Like everyone but me. I don't know him, he doesn't know me, and we don't love each other.
I couldn't breath. But it wasn't so bad. I looked at his eyes. They were tightly shut, he looked almost as if he was in pain.
He didn't want this any more then I did.
I know it hadn't been nearly as long as it felt. He didn't want this anymore then I did, I can feel it. He isn't.. he isn't. He is. He is like me.
I tentatively raised my hand and placed it gently on his shoulder. He pulled back from me quickly, as if snapped out of a trance. He opened his mouth as if to say something but promptly closed it, then reopened it, then reclosed it, he repeated that motion a few times, his eyes wide and blinking. He backed away farther from me slightly and held his head in his hands.
"Shit. Shit shit oh shit-shit-shit. No.. NO." He started shaking his head back and forth, I went to go put my hand on his shoulder but the second I touched him he recoiled further away from me.
I cleared my throat slightly, thinking of something to say. "Uhmmm.. Duo.. don't worry about it. It.. was.. just.. a kiss." I blinked as he looked up at me, almost looking frightened.
"But.. You're a boy."
"So I've been told." What would that have.. oh.. shit..
"I'm a boy too." His eyes got wider, as if he was talking to himself more then to me. He didn't think he was gay.
"Duo.. it's okay if you-"
"NO! no.. no it's not okay. Quatre.. its.. not. I mean.. you.. you aren't.. . .. " He gasped slightly as if realizing something. "You're gay aren't you?"
Hoi.. I took a deep breath, shifting my gaze to the floor. "Well." My reaction was about as good as just saying yes. I had honestly known for quite some time. He put his hands back in his hands. "Look, Duo, calm down, there's nothing wrong with it." I was having a hard time managing to voice my words at this point. My stomach was turning in the most anxious way. I was sure I was blushing, my hands were feeling cold. He looked up at me helplessly.
"But.. maybe I'm not gay, maybe it's just, you.. or.. something. we're friends and all. I've never really had time for friends, and now. it's just. I don't know what I'm saying. Quatre, you're my closest friend. I don't know, maybe I don't really even know you but I feel like I do, like we always knew each other. Hilde. she always seemed to wonder why I could openly flirt with her so easily and yet never seemed to get close. I guess maybe I wondered more about it then she did though. You.. dammit I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter, I don't care what people think. I don't know. You're my closest friend." My stomach turned more, I could tell he was just sort of rambling on but he needed too I guess, hell I pretty much did the same thing when I realized. He was avoiding my eyes. I moved a little closer to him, this time when I put my hand on his shoulder he didn't move away. I moved my hand from his shoulder to the back of his neck.
He shook his head slowly. "But.. I'm. not. gay." He said, slowly, not very convincingly. Not very convincingly at all. He made no attempt to pull away as I pulled him closer by the neck.
"Yes you are." I said quietly as I pulled him to me and kissed him again. He seemed tentative at first, I could feel tears on my cheeks, but I wasn't sure whose they were. It wasn't long until his arms were wrapped around me, just as mine were around him.
Though its not love, It means something. (1)
//////////
A/n: Uhmm.. whee? REVIEW. Please. ... please. Whee. O_o;;
quote from Depeche Mode (best band EVER) song: Nothing, (pretty sure that's the title.. don't sue me if it isn't, its jus the one line, the rest of the song doesn't fit too well)
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NEXT!!!! *sob* uhmm.. I really dunno what to do next. I think I have a small idea but I dunno. I'll try to work on this more now that my writer;s block of hell is over. -_-