Dislcaimer: I don't own these characters OR their screwy lives

Chapter 5

Two weeks since he'd last slept in the room with his father. Two weeks since he'd come back from the little trip with Akane, two weeks since he's seen Ucchan or Shampoo, two weeks of sleeping on Akane's floor listening to her toss and turn. And still, the lessons with Happosai continued. No matter where he tried to hide, no matter where he ran after dinner, his father, Tendo-kun and Happosai hunted him down and made him listen to Happosai's stupid lectures. He felt as though his mind would never be clean again.

On the other hand, aside from the initial spats with Kuno, Kodachi, and Mousse, he hadn't been attacked on the way to school once. Kuno was still in the hospital from the last "spat," Mousse had given up after Akane had assured him Ranma wasn't going to try for Shampoo as well, and Kodachi. . . well, it was presumed Kodachi was hiding in her mansion. They were hurt, but they'd get over it.

But then there was Ucchan. . . .who hadn't so much as looked at him since the "elopement." On the other hand, now she wasn't going to keep lying to herself and imagining them. . .

Ranma stared out over the rooftops of Nerima, standing on the outer wall of the dojo. He hadn't heard from Ryouga, either, and that sort of worried him. Maybe the little piglet had gotten depressed and stopped eating on the road. . . There were too many people to worry about, and Ranma couldn't handle it. At least Akane was where he could keep an eye on her. . .

"Ranma?" a voice asked below him. He looked down to see Nabiki, a soda in her hand, watching him with disspassionate eyes. "You ought to come down here," she said. He obliged, leaping down and landing gracefully in front of her.

"What's up?" he asked. She shrugged.

"Your little wife is sick," she announced, without elaborating. Ranma looked up at Akane's window. He nodded to Nabiki, and leapt onto the Tendo roof. Cautiously, he bent down and looked in the window, expecting a barbell to come flying out at him any minute. Nothing flew out at him. He couldn't see Akane, but he could see tiny lumps at the foot of the bed. Feet, maybe? He slid the window open and let himself into the roof quietly.

There she was, sure enough, a shivering heap on her bed. He approached her slowly, and lay a gentle hand on what he guessed was a shoulder.

"Akane?" he asked.

"G-go away, yo-ou'll g-get s-s- sick," she said, her voice muffled. He glared down at her. Like he was conquered so easily! A cold, pah!

"Are you cold? You have nearly every blanket in the house!" he said in surprise. She nodded, or at least he thought she did. She was shivering so violently. . . maybe it was more than a cold? "Where's Kasumi?"

"D-didn't wanna g-get sick-k. Go 'way," she ordered. Ranma drew the covers back from her, slowly, half-expecting her to have some flesh-eating virus. She didn't. She was just shivering, curling up into a tiny ball.

"Akane," he said softly, and laid a hand on her arm. She was certainly feverish. She looked up at him, startled.

"Y-your hand-d is warmmm," she said, with a slight, shuddery smile. An idea occurred to him.

"Don't take this the wrong way or nothing, but you'd be a lot warmer if somebody were in there with you," he announced. She shrugged.

"Y-you're rrright. But you'lllll get-t sick-k," she warned. He made a scornful noise.

"No cold is gonna beat me, Akane," he informed her, crawling into her bed. She curled into him, sighing in satisfaction at the warmth he provided. He lay absolutely still for a moment, as if afraid she'd take any movement as an advance. But she wouldn't stop shivering. He gathered her in his arms, holding her as tight as he dared until she stopped shaking.

Ranma, his eyes closed, had a moment of absolute disbelief. He wasn't laying in Akane's bed, holding Akane until she went to sleep. He wasn't. First off, that was mushy stuff he didn't much care for, kissing was one thing but all that cuddling and stuff. . . Secondly, she wouldn't ever let him. As the night wore on and he felt her relax in his arms, snuggling closer, he decided that, real or not, he'd like to try it more often.

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"I really don't think making Akane sick was the wisest choice, master," Genma frowned, watching Happosai iron a pair of lavender panties. Happosai glared up at him.

"Two weeks and your defunct son is still sleeping on her floor! I had to do something for the little eunuch!" Happosai snarled. Genma ignored the insults. Hell, even he was beginning to wonder what was wrong with Ranma.

"But making the girl ill. . ." he began. Happosai waved him off.

"It's an old Chinese medicine I had lying around. All it does is make people really cold, until they're in a very warm place for a long period of time. Electric blankets or a nice hot bath would clear it right up. Or," Happosai smiled, cuddling the warm panties to his cheek, "body heat."

"Master!" Genma's eyes lit up, and he began bowing to Happosai. "Truly it was genius!"

Happosai began to laugh.

"Of course! That's why I'm the master here!"

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Akane woke the next morning with a well of warmth curled around her back. Warm arms circled her waist, meeting on either side. She burrowed into the warmth, getting closer, and then her mind registered that the warmth was another person in her bed.

The events of the night before flashed through her mind, and she blushed. It was innocent, sure, but what if Kasumi walked in and saw this? On the other hand, they were supposedly married. . . why, why oh why had she ever thought that was a good idea?

She considered, breifly, picking Ranma up and throwing him out of her bed. She really wanted to. On the other hand, he had been helping her. . . he had been so concerned about her the night before, how could she punish him for something she'd asked him to do? She tried to turn in his arms, or get loose, but he was holding her too tightly.

"Ranma?" she said softly. He stirred in his sleep, but didn't wake up. She shook her shoulders against him, trying to jar him awake. No dice.

"Ranma?" she said, louder. He made a small moaning noise into her ear, and Akane realized, blushing, just how close they were. "Ranma!" she hissed, wiggling to get away from him. He moaned again, and shifted his weight, holding her more loosely. Akane tried to get free, but still couldn't. And now she could feel Ranma's breath, warm and damp, on the back of her neck. She was very, very aware of where his body was, where HER body was, all the possibilities. . . she turned red.

"Well, then, I see it is true," a voice said from the window. Akane jumped, which startled Ranma, making him release her and roll over. She sat up to glare at the intruder, an old woman hopping along on a staff, carrying a bucket. Cologne glared right back at her.

"You've stolen my grandchild's property," she warned Akane. Akane began to fume.

"My. . . husband," she said, deciding on the word Cologne would expect her to use, "is not property."

"Save it, girlie. I haven't come for you, I came to kill the redhead," Cologne announced, holding up a bucket of water. Without another word, she dumped the water on Ranma, who roared awake, sopping, drenched, pissed. . . and still a guy.

"What was that for!" he screamed, glaring at Cologne. He blinked then, noticing the tenure of his voice. He looked down at himself. "But. . . but that was cold water!" he stammered. Cologne nodded sagely.

"Not just any cold water. That was the last of the water from the Spring of Drowned Man. Now, your girl half is dead, and my Shampoo is released from her oath," Cologne lowered her voice to a more conspiratorial tone, "Since you're married now, and the girl you is dead, she's free to go back to China. Which is what we're doing. The plane departs. . . roughly now," the old woman said. With a final smile, she hopped back out the window and dissapeared.

Ranma stared down at his new body. He looked up at Akane, his face a perfect picture of joy. He dove back onto the bed, almost grabbing her, but she held out a hand to stop him.

"Wait! You're covered in cursed water!" she said. He blinked at her, and his joyful smile turned into a grimace of terror.

"You're right. I don't know if it would work like that, but if I recovered my manhood just for you to go and get your own. . . then where would we be?" he smiled again, the thought gone. He held out his hands wide, open. "Now we can be married for real, I'm a real guy!" he announced, gleefully. Akane's jaw dropped, and Ranma blushed, realizing what he'd just said.

"I meant, you know, if we ever decided to, not that we would," he said quickly. Akane nodded slowly, a smile spreading across her face.

"You know, you might miss your girl half," Akane said quietly, choosing to leave his comment alone. For the moment. He waved her off.

"Not a chance. I;m gonna go take a bath, wash off the cursed water," he announced. He strutted out of her room, stepping lightly over Soun, who was sleeping outside their door, and strutted all the way to the bathroom. All the while he sang, "Never gonna be a girl again. Never gonna be a girl again."

Ranma stripped down, ran the hot water, and hopped into the tub.

And got the shock of his young life.

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:: Ranma did just say marry, didn't he? That means he wants to. . . oh wow, that's sort of akward,:: Akane thought, changing from her pajamas into a school uniform. She felt so much better, completely rejuventated. Was that because she'd slept with Ranma? Or just because she'd felt so crappy the night before?

"ARRGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" came a scream from the bathroom. Akane, fastening the last button on the strap of her school uniform, ran down the hall and threw the bathroom door open. Soun and Genma were there in front of her, gaping. She pushed through them, thinking, he must be hurt, he must be hurt. . .

And she saw a familiar red head.

Ranko was standing in the tub of steaming water, staring down at her breasts as if she expected them to explode. She raised her shaking hands up to her face, those smaller hands, and screamed again, but this time there were words.

"DIRTY OLD GHOUL!" she screamed, clenching her hands into fists. Akane could only stand and gape at her. Ranma was supposed to be cured. . .

"What happened, son?" Genma shouted. Ranko glared at him.

"The dirty old ghoul did something to me," she fumed. Akane looked down at the steaming water and wondered; if Cologne had wanted the girl half dead, why would she make it so Ranma could never change back into a guy?

"Now you're trapped as a girl forever!" Soun gasped. Gemna grabbed his old friend by the collar and pulled him closer, glowering.

"My son is NOT!" he growled.

"Oh, just shut up!" Ranko cried, sitting down in the hot water dejectedly. "The old ghoul gave me some water from the Spring of Drowned Man, or so she said, to kill my girl half before she returned to China."

"WHAAAAAT?" Genma cried, then he rounded on Ranma. "You selfish, ungrateful boy! How could I have raised such an unkind son, to take all the water and never think about his poor aging father. . ."

"She just poured it on me, okay? And obviously it didn't work," Ranko shot back. Genma ignored him.

". . . who has never wanted anything but your happiness, who has slaved night and day. . . ." he continued, tears coming to his eyes. Akane ignored his rambling, and stepped over to the side of the tub. She knelt down at the edge.

"Ranma. . . Cologne wanted to kill your girl half, she was pretty serious about it. She wouldn't have given you something that would make you a girl forever," Akane said softly. Ranko exhaled sharply, crossing her arms over her chest.

"So why am I like this? Why aren't I a guy even sitting in the middle of a pool of hot water?" she asked, scornfully.

"Maybe. . . the two curses did something to each other. Maybe you had a reaction," Akane suggested. "Maybe something else will turn you back into a guy. . . ." she said softly. Ranko looked up, new hope on her face.

"Yeah, like what?" she asked, leaning towards Akane, who shook her head.

"I dunno, maybe. . . cold water?" she suggested, grasping at straws. Ranko vaulted out of the tub, jumping over Akane on her way to the showerhead hanging on the wall. She turned on the cold water, blasting herself full in the face with it and. . . .

Akane turned away, blushing. She'd seen Ranma naked before, but not . . . kneeling. And not quite so often in his boy form. She stood up hurridly, absently brushing at the drops of water that had fallen from Ranko's toes when she leapt over Akane.

"Akane, you're a lifesaver!" Ranma beamed, still very naked.

"Oh, ahh, you're welcome," Akane said, blushing. She ran out of the bathroom, past their bickering fathers and into the refuge of the hallway.

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"They're only children," Soun protested, glowering at Genma. The children in question had been sent off to school hours ago, and their father's hadn't stopped talking about them since. Genma nodded sagely, pushing his glasses further up his nose. Soun, for one, was getting a bit concerned about Genma. He'd only spent a few hours as a panda in the entire two weeks since Ranma and Akane eloped. The behavior was just so uncharacteristic. . . sort of like Happosai postponing his panty-raids to give Ranma those "lessons."

"I'm not saying I want grandkids right now, I'm just saying it isn't right for a wife to blush at the sight of her husband. Even if they don't actually do anything, they ought to be more comfortable with each other," Genma said. Soun sighed and looked out of the doors of the tea room, out into the koi pond. Genma was right. He just hated to think of his little girl, his youngest, his baby. . . . What would her mother say? ::Genma has it easy,:: Soun thought, :: He can think about Nodoka and himself and look at from the view of a husband. I can only see it as a father.::

"By the way, Soatome, where is Nodoka?" he asked, the sudden thought of her reminding him that he hadn't seen her in a while. Saotome laughed nervously.

"Oh, she's been coming and going recently," he informed Soun. They both laughed nervously then, and turned to look out at the koi pond. "Anyway, I think it would be a good idea to get them better acquainted. You know, give them a honeymoon of sorts," Genma said, clearing his throat.

"I don't know, Saotome," Soun hedged, thinking of the expense, thinking of reputation, thinking of. . . his daughter's marriage falling apart because she couldn't even look at her husband.

"Perhaps," he said softly.

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"I don't have time for a lesson today," Akane protested, waving Nodoka off. The older woman had surprised her, walking home from school. Nodoka frowned at her.

"You are my new daughter-in-law, and I say you have time!" she announced. "If that little lecher can give my son lessons on how to make YOU happy, I certainly can give you lessons on how to make HIM happy," she announced. Akane groaned inwardly. This was like torture. Not only was Nodoka giving her for too many details about . . . well, about sex, but she was also giving Akane tips for prgenancy and birthing! And Ranma thought he had it rough with Happosai. . .

Just how did everyone know she and Ranma hadn't done anything?

"Hey, Akane, what's. . .. Mom?" a deep voice asked from above Akane's head. Nodoka fixed her son in a steely glare as Akane sighed in releif. Nodoka surely wouldn't want to give her any lessons with Ranma standing right there. Ranma jumped down from the fencerail, landing beside Akane. "What's up?" he asked.

"You have been lax in your husbandly duties," Nodoka announced, gathering Ranma into her icy glare.

"I WHAT?" he cried, stepping back a pace. He glared at Akane for a moment, as if he thought she was the one who;d told his mother. Surely he wasn't that thick?

"You have not even been sleeping in the same bed as your wife. A man should not be so shy of the one he loves," she announced. She glared at them both, evenly. "If you do not live up to your obilgations as a husband, you are not a worthy man."

"Not a worthy. . .. oh, hell," Ranma muttered. He shared a desperate look with Akane. If his mother started thinking he was an unworthy man, they would have a whole new set of very serious problems.

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"So how long has my mother been giving you those lessons?" Ranma asked, pausing in front of the Tendo door. Akane shrugged.

"About as long as Happosai has been giving you yours," she said. He grinned maliciously.

"So what has Mom been teaching you?" he asked. Akane blushed.

"What has Happosai taught you?" she countered. Ranma grimaced and opened the door.

"We're home!" Ranma cried, kicking off his shoes. Kasumi came out into the entryway, smiling her angelic smile.

"Just in time! You two ought to go upstairs and start packing," she said, pleasantly.

"Packing? For what?" Akane asked.

"Your honeymoon! Father and Mr. Saotome have arranged a honeymoon for you, isn't it sweet? You have to be at the train station by eight, so you'd better get packing," she smiled, and walked back into the kitchen. Ranma and Akane stared at each other in shock.

"This was such a bad idea," Akane moaned, storming off upstairs. Ranma glared after her. As if he didn't have to put up with it too...