Behind the Shadows
Disclaimer: Don't own them.
AN: This is my take on Daisy. Most people will probably disagree with some, most and/or all of it. But, that's the beauty of fiction and the freedom of personal perspective.
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I wonder why it is that people say things that hurt. I'm not talking about honesty. I take pride in the fact that I'm a very honest person, I don't not say things to spare people's feelings. That's different. I'm talking about when people say things to hurt you. With the intent to leave a mark. George does that. I know that she does it because she's angry and she wants to lash out, but it doesn't take away the hurt. Rube does it, not to the same extent, but he does; I think it's because he doesn't respect me. That in itself I can handle. I've never had a lot of respect aimed in my direction. God, I've never really even respected my self. So why does it matter when people let that show? When they dismiss me- my thoughts, my ideas, my love? My whole life, all I've ever wanted is someone to love me. Someone who cared enough to see past the smile I stretch into place every day, someone who wanted to get to know me- the real me. People have always wanted my body, my face; some people have wanted to know me because of my body and face. Somehow they always seemed disappointed at what they found. There are only so many times you can have your very being thrown back at you- discarded. So I become whatever someone wants me to be. It makes it easier that way, after all, I am an actress- and a good one at that. They always scoff when I talk about it, but they don't realize that I'm such a good actress that they can't tell the difference, that I'm acting every day. I do what I know I can. I'm pretty. That's what I do. Sex I know I can do- without disappointment. I was trained well. I've always been told that was the only thing I was good for. So I sleep with men, I date them, I take what I can from them. People have always had no qualms about using me for their own gratification. Why shouldn't I do the same?
And then there's Mason. Mason, Mason, Mason. I know he loves me. He's told me that. Somehow he manages to catch glimpses of the real me. He looks at me as though he can see behind my act. I'm drawn towards him for that, and yet I always find myself fighting it with everything I have. As much as I tease him, I love him back. He's endearing in his messiness. You can't help but love him underneath it all. But he's a good man, and I can't let myself disappoint him. I know I would, if he ever knew what was inside. Saw the entirety of my self exposed. I don't think I could ever let that happen. I saw it in his face when I was dating Ray; when he told me that I was beautiful and he loved me, but he didn't like me anymore. That disappointment at my actions, that's what it would be like. I couldn't handle that.
It seems that every time I find something to hold onto- something to take comfort in, people find joy in showing me that it's false. They think I'm shallow, that I put to much into looks and money and fame, but when you know what's below that shiny surface what else can you appreciate besides the surface of things. I don't need people to point out that underneath the gold paint the jewelry is black. I've lived more than a lifetime, seen just about everything there is to see...I know all that already. I told the priest I worry about the hearts of men, but it's my heart I worry about the most. Worry that it's hardened to the point that it's dead, but I still want to believe. I want to believe in faith, in kindness, in love. I want to believe that someone out there really is happy and loved. I have to believe in that. But I've given up believing it for myself.
Pain is a funny thing, I guess. There are so many different kinds. Physical, mental, emotional... There are things and words that have hurt me, scarred my heart and burned my soul. But I can't let them see that. Because my pain is my own, the one thing that no one can ever take from me, that no one can ever find lacking, because they'll never know it even exists. It's frightening how many ways you can hurt yourself- physically, mentally, emotionally. I've done them all. I still do. Reapers may heal quickly, but like Mason said, "It doesn't take away the hurty-painy bit." I've practiced almost every form of self-abuse one can imagine, over and over until I own my pain, until I can own whatever is causing me pain. Until I'm in control.
So I sit at a booth in a diner and I smile. Whatever happens I can handle it, because I've found that's what it comes down to- I may never have love, happiness or respect, but I will always have control.