Tuesday
Week
01
12:00am
Upon arriving in the back yard, Inuyasha is surprised to find he is not alone. The giveaway trademark scent of passion fruit lip-gloss indicates that Sesshoumaru is also in the premises.
8:00 am
Big Buttocks has called everyone up and asks all the housemates to gather in the lounge room. Sesshoumaru appears out of the bathroom for a brief moment with avocado all over his face, explaining it's an avocado cleansing mask. Naraku is shattered. As the housemates head to the couch, Miroku saves a seat for Sango, only to see her promptly move next to Kagome. The housemates are eager to hear what Big Buttocks has to say. He begins to explain their weekly task.
The housemates are given their task - to be 5 sets of newlyweds in a shared house. They are soon presented with the first mini-task which was to take care of fake babies that scream, require changing, feeding and almost constant care for the rest of the week. A catch: they must stay within a two-metre radius of their babies as well.
Fluffy's daily wistful gaze at the sky
9:00 am
After much discussion, Big Buttocks has decided the pair of newlyweds:
Sesshoumaru and Naraku
Kagome and Inuyasha
Sango and Miroku
Kikyou and Jaken
Kouga and Shippou
Sesshoumaru and Naraku burst into scary grins upon hearing they are together, but everyone else seems to be disappointed. Kikyou stares with menace at Inuyasha who sits dribbling on the couch; he hasn't quite woken up yet.
10:30 am
The newlyweds decide to name their plastic babies.
Inuyasha insists on calling their baby "it". Kagome gets upset and tells Inuyasha that since she was a young girl she always dreamt of calling her baby "Sheila". Inuyasha tells her to compromise and call it "shit". Kagome replies, "Why don't we just call it SIT!" Bang!
Sango and Miroku decide to call their baby "George", Sango because she likes it and Miroku for secret reasons of his own. Kikyou and Jaken decide to use letters of their two names combined and call it "Kraken." Kouga bullies Shippou into calling it "Snot ball" and insists that Shippou call him "Lord Kouga, King of Wolves" every time he addresses him.
Sesshoumaru and Naraku are in quiet discussion in the corner, after some time they announce to group that their blessed child is called "Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea".
12:15 pm
The house has been so involved in taking care of their new "amusement" that they have forgotten about lunch. Kagome is too busy teaching Inuyasha how to hold their child properly and a constant "DON'T BEAT HIS HEAD!" can be heard every time the baby begins to cry. Sango looks ultimately peeved after hearing Miroku ask for the millionth time, "Sango, now will you bear my child?"
2:00 pm
The house is very chaotic and the babies are screaming full time. Since lunch was ignored and forgotten, the housemates are hungry, tired and irritated. Even Sesshoumaru is not looking his stunning self. Speaking of which, he and Naraku are currently in hot pursuit - arguing over who gets to play the role of "mummy". Naraku thinks he should obviously get to be mummy since he has gone through the hardships of childbirth and motherhood several times already, however Sesshoumaru reckons dragging Rin along is enough to qualify for being a mother. In the end, they kiss and make up and decide they can both be mummy!
3:30 pm
Inuyasha has officially smashed his child's head to pieces, causing malfunction and similar behaviours to that of a Furby that will not go to sleep when placed in a dark room. Kagome is in tears. Big Buttocks calls them both into the TV room to discuss if they will be allowed to continue their task. Sango refuses to talk to Miroku, but must stay around him as she must stay within a two-metre radius of her baby. Naraku has taken to motherhood with amazing ease, talking to his baby and rocking it in the cradle, and he's very pleased with his "marriage" to Sesshoumaru - "I can snog him anytime I want!"
5:00 pm
Time for confession cam!
Shippou- "That bastard Kouga, I'm gonna vote him off next time!"
Kagome- "Inuyasha is so cruel all the time! How could he abuse our child? I hope that when we do eventually have ch- I mean, um… nothing."
Naraku- "I think I'm over the avocado…Sesshoumaru is one hell of a spouse. And he kisses like a vacuum cleaner…"
Sango- "At least Miroku and I agreed on a name. I suppose he's not too bad but he'd better not use this task as an excuse to stay close to me!"
Inuyasha- "Uhhhh…" Inuyasha looks stoned.
No breakthroughs have been made concerning Inuyasha's knowledge of reality television. The fact that he has acknowledged the cameras and still has no idea he is being filmed is remarkable, but then again, hanyou can be remarkably stupid.
Jaken- "I don't think Kikyou is a woman. She's a rock, or a meat cleaver or something…but a woman she is not…" Looks around furtively… "Maybe that's what happens when you're dead…"
Kouga- "I don't know why I couldn't go with Kagome…" Thoughtful look "I think Big Buttocks is up to something…"
Miroku- "Big Buttocks, I thank you ever so much…today I had my first real taste of what life would be like in partnership with Sango…I am one hell of a lucky man! Ahhhhhh…"
Lies back on couch with a satisfied look, then pulls a face… "SHIT! I've got SBD!" Grabs Shippou by the tail and runs into Bathroom 2.
Kikyou- "I'm two days into my f period now. Why? WHY? I'm DEAD for god's sake! RRAAAAHHHHHH!!! Why was I paired with a toad? A bloody toad? He could never make a good father…"
Sesshoumaru-
Sesshoumaru is hiding his face "Don't look at me. My mascara's running. Your favourite Sesshoumaru isn't so pretty today, my lovelies, but just you wait for tomorrow…just you wait..." smiles evilly
5:30 pm
A loud high-pitched scream is heard from Bathroom 2. Shippou appears with a towel wrapped around body with hair sticking up and exclaims, "He's electrocuted me! HE'S ELECTROCUTED ME!" Miroku pokes his head out of the bathroom and waves his air-rip arm out, explaining,
"It's the air-rip! I had completely forgotten about the bizarre reaction when my air-rip hand comes in contact with water!"
He tried to bloody kill me!
6:00 pm
To top off a long and dreary day for the housemates, Big Buttocks provides pizzas and a choice of movies for the inhabitants. The pizza order included a Ham and Pineapple super slab, Super Supreme thin and crispy, Pepperoni thin and crispy, and a BBQ Chicken thin and crispy. Inuyasha seems to enjoy the taste of pizza, however Sesshoumaru still sits on the couch grumbling; he has not eaten since entering the house.
8:30 pm
The housemates sit at the couch and kick off their movie night with "Godzilla". Inuyasha has never seen a television before and constantly has to be restrained by Kagome from disappearing behind the TV in search of that "shrekin' piece of shit that won't show his freaking face!" Kouga mutters, "He's just full of talk, isn't he? He's just full of talk!"
After the action thriller, the housemates start "Gone with the Wind". Kouga becomes very emotional and teary. "I get so sniff snort sensitive with these touching scenes…sniff" Kagome gets up to comfort the blubbering wolf, handing over a box of Kleenex. Inuyasha scowls from his position tied down to the couch… he has too much pride to burst into soppy tears to grab Kagome's attention. Kikyou approaches him, however, and sits down next to him. It's Kagome's turn to scowl, and nobody appears to be enjoying themselves apart from Sesshoumaru and Naraku sharing a snuggle session on the couch.
"Do you love me?" Asks Sesshoumaru. "Yep," Naraku replies and Sesshoumaru bursts into childish giggles… "He WUVES me!" Upon receiving stares from their housemates, Naraku fishes out the baby and waves at the disgusted cast… "Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea needs his mummies to cuddle him!"
11.59 pm
The movie has ended, and Naraku and Sesshoumaru are sleeping peacefully together on the couch, the perfect picture of a married couple. Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea lies forgotten, tossed away on the floor. Kagome looks at them wistfully, then at her broken baby lying underneath the television, and finally at Inuyasha who is snoring like a vacuum cleaner with his head on Kikyou's lap. Kagome retreats to the bedroom, and emerges soon after with Jaken's packet of ciggies. "What are you lookin' at? Piss orf."
Wednesday
Week
01
10:00 am
The housemates awake with weary eyes after tending to their newborns all night. Miroku is seen on Camera 14d leaving Sango's seat on the couch muttering, "the baby needed his father, ok?" Showers and other morning routines are being strategically coordinated by the housemates to keep the babies within a two-metre radius of respective parents. Big Buttocks announces that in the afternoon he will be announcing the results of the parenting tasks, and if they are not satisfactory, he will be cutting their weekly budget to $7.50. "That's enough for a packet of…nothing," Naraku swiftly leaves the room.
10:45 am
The boys continue to show their maternal instincts throughout the morning, with Naraku lovingly dressing Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea for the day. Sesshoumaru makes the observation that he went into the house as a femmie-bishounen, but now he's married with a kid. However, he slips right into the role, even rubbing Naraku's back after he finishes dressing their beautiful child.
11:13 am
Someone in the house has discovered the whereabouts of the Big Buttocks microphone!
"THIS IS BIG BUTTOCKS! I AM BEAUTIFUL! MAYBE I'M BORN WITH IT! MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE!"
11.45 amIt appears that the one with the microphone holds the power, and Inuyasha has been forced to do SBD four times in a row. Naraku has been commanded to cook some "Youkai food for bloody once!"
12.00 pm
Big Buttocks (the real one) is furious. Sesshoumaru comes galloping down the garden path with his 'tail' between his legs, whimpering. No one has ever seen him in such a state. "Big Buttocks has no fashion sense!" He whispers emphatically to the cast. "NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SEE ME!" Big Buttocks roars. "SESSHOUMARU, YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!" "Feh," Sesshoumaru uses Inuyasha's catchphrase as he drops onto one of the couches. "There's nothing painful enough to fluster moi." "You tell him, my Sesshomie-poo!" Naraku eggs Sesshoumaru on. "Just you wait," Big Buttocks growls in a blood curdling voice that makes everyone's hair stand on end, "Just you wait.""Eat me," Says Sesshoumaru.
Big Buttocks announces that Sesshoumaru's punishment will be announced this evening after he has thought of a really juicy one. The tension levels in the house rise.
1.00 pm
Big Buttocks calls the housemates to the lounge room to discuss nominations. They must elect two housemates of their choice, in order of whom they would most like to evict out of the house. The one they want most to leave the house receives two points, the other one point.
Shippou- "Inuyasha gets two points, because he tried to kill me on Monday! I was going to vote out Kouga, but Miroku tried to kill me on Tuesday so I suppose he deserves to be voted out too! Yeah! Inuyasha and Miroku! Grrr…"
Kagome- "Kikyou is so irritating! I mean she's been stealing my hot chocolate supply and keeps grumbling about her menstrual cycle, I mean, I'm a girl too you know and I don't grumble about it! She keeps eyeing Inuyasha too, and that's sabotaging our chances of passing the weekly task satisfactorily! Besides, she's passed her time! Oh, and I'd also like to nominate Sesshoumaru because he takes too long in bathroom."
sounds like someone else's time of the month is coming up soon!
Naraku- "Miroku. I just don't like the guy!" flashes a casual grin "Inuyasha too, I just don't like him either."
Sango- "I choose Jaken because he does absolutely nothing around the house to help. Kikyou creeps me, the way she lurches around the house like a zomb- uh…oh, Miroku can wait till next time…"
Inuyasha- "That fing Kouga bastard won't stay away from Kagome! Shippou should go out too. I reckon Big Buttocks is waiting for me to stuff up so I'll have to do SBD again! Feh!"
Jaken- "I want Shippou out. It's the battle of the small people and quite frankly the house is not big enough for the both of us. Kikyou, well she's a bitch! I still can't believe Big Buttocks paired us up for that ridiculous task!"
Kouga- "Inuyasha doesn't belong here! Kagome is my woman! I'm nominating Kikyou too; I can't stand having another person around who looks like my woman."
Miroku- "Jaken. He's an annoying, irritating little…" squirms "…little pain in the ass! Also Kouga, he just doesn't seem to fit in."
Kikyou- "Kagome should definitely go out! She's stealing my Inuyasha away, she thinks she can have him just because Big Buttocks has paired her up with him for the weekly task, I mean she doesn't realise how sensitive I get during my menstrual period, especially the mood swings and all, but DAMMIT, A DEAD PERSON JUST SHOULDN'T SUFFER ANYMORE! - ahem. But if she leaves, she should leave her hot chocolate supply behind - for the house to enjoy…eheh… Also Sesshoumaru…" eyes narrow towards Sesshoumaru "I know you did it Sesshoumaru, I know you stole my black mascara!"
Sesshoumaru- "I want Jaken out! shocked faces
"M'lord Sesshoumaru?!?! How could this be?"
"I'd really like to FINALLY get AWAY from him! Inuyasha, my dear cough brother, you must also be nominated. It's either him, or me and the viewers cannot stand for a hanyou with no fashion sense or make up!
Big Buttocks mutters some personal joke about Sesshoumaru being a pot calling the kettle black, and bursts into deep chuckles. When asked to explain himself, Big Buttocks simply replies, "You'll see, you'll see…" Then goes on to explain that after he's done the calculations, he'll let the house know who the three unlucky people are. An uncanny silence descends over the house as the ten occupants wait to see if their name is on the blacklist.
2.00 pm
Sango and Miroku have really taken to George. Sango sits on the couch 'feeding' George with a bottle while Miroku adjusts his booties.
"He's got your eyes," Sango says, smiling at the baby.
"He's got your nose," Miroku replies.
"He's got your smile," Sango says wistfully.
"He's got your round, curvaceous ars…he's got your head."
Naraku shrieks from the kitchen. "How did Tiger Lily Xena Fairy Princess Pea get in the microwave?!"
3.00 pm
Inuyasha, gruffness personified, appears to have noticed how downcast Kagome has been since the apparent 'demise' of their baby. Having spent a lot of the afternoon in the garden tinkering away with "It Sheila Shit Sit", he has finally managed to attach its head to its body. Inuyasha now appears to be washing it in the pool. He mutters almost incomprehensibly to himself but the Big Buttocks hanyou language translators assure us he is reciting poetry. Then again, the Big Buttocks hanyou language translators barrack for Freemantle.
3.30 pm
Naraku and Sesshoumaru are having a whispered discussion in the kitchen.
"He wears lime green?" Naraku whispers in shock.
"And that's not all…Big Buttocks is actually really, really, really shor-"
"SILENCE!" Big Buttocks assures Sesshoumaru he has already thought of a suitable punishment and won't hesitate to deal another. From now on all discussion about the appearance of Big Buttocks is forbidden.
4.00 pm
Kouga has approached Kagome, who is sitting alone watching Sango and Miroku. "Hey," He says, "D'ya wanna help us take care of our baby?" Kouga indicates Shippou struggling to cart around the plastic toy which is almost as big as he is. Kagome smiles at Kouga. "I would love to, but Big Buttocks decided to give Inuyasha and I another chance. I just don't know where the baby has gone, that's all…"
5.00 pm
Confession cam is cancelled in favour of the revelation of the nominees. Big Buttocks calls everyone to the living room.
"The nominees for this week are Inuyasha, Kikyou and Jaken."
Nobody misses the gasp of horror from Kagome, or the spontaneous grins of pleasure from Sesshoumaru and Naraku. Inuyasha doesn't seem too happy. "What did I do to anyone?!" An evil aura starts emanating from Kikyou and Jaken merely looks stoned. Big Buttocks silences the feverish chatter among the cast, and announces Sesshoumaru's punishment- he is to have a haircut.
5.30 pm
Sesshoumaru has not moved. The expression on his face is quite normal, but his skin is cold to touch and he is not blinking. Naraku thinks he might be dead. "You killed him!" He rages to the cameras. "Thank god," Inuyasha mutters, and disappears into the bedroom.
5.45 pm
Sesshoumaru has started to move.
5.47 pm
Sesshoumaru is angry.
5.49 pm
Camera 14a has ceased to function.
6.00 pm
After what can only be called a 'dignified rage', Sesshoumaru has broken down into sobs, making Naraku's shoulder extremely moist.
"There, there," Naraku wheedles, "It'll grow back. I'll cut mine with you if you like."
"Really?"
"Yes, anything for you, my honey."
"Naraku, you mean so much to me…"
"Don't worry sweetheart, everything will be okay!"
Naraku and Sesshoumaru burst into heartfelt sobs and embrace each other. Kagome catches herself smiling at the happy couple, whereas Sango and Miroku merely look disgusted.
"Who gets to cut his hair?" Shippou asks the cameras.
"Oh, hadn't thought of that," Big Buttocks says, "You can if you like."
"What, now?"
"Sure thing," Says Big Buttocks, and Shippou fetches a pair of scissors. Sesshoumaru seems resigned to his fate, and sits down on a stool gripping Naraku's hand. Shippou climbs on top of Sesshoumaru's head to do the deadly business, and the whole cast turns up to watch.
"You ready, ya puffed up piece of…"
"I want this style," Sesshoumaru states, and holds up a Cleo magazine.
"Well, too bad!" Cries Shippou and the scissors dive in for the kill…
7.00 pm
Shippou has tried for an hour now to cut Sesshoumaru's hair to no effect. Sesshoumaru's hair is not ordinary hair, and just won't be cut. Shippou gives up in disgust, and Big Buttocks is angry at himself for forgetting Sesshoumaru is a full blown youkai. All is not lost, however, and Big Buttocks assures the household that a visitor will be along tomorrow to lop off the locks. Big Buttocks then bids everyone goodnight and tells them to behave themselves; he's going out for the night with the voice from the Tellytubbies. The second after Big Buttocks cuts the connection, a mighty roar is heard from the kitchen. Kagome rushes in to find Inuyasha surrounded by flame as he attempts to cook himself some toast.
7.45 pm
Miroku is extinguishing the last of the flames with his air rip. Inuyasha is wrapped in a fireproof towel and Kagome is tending to his burns. "Why weren't you wearing your coat of fire rat's fur?" She asks. Inuyasha is in the filthiest of bad moods. "Just wanted some frickin' toast…"
Just wanted some frickin' toast...
8.00 pm
The cast are exhausted already, and are sitting on the couches swapping stories and talking about how they feel living together on Big Buttocks.
"Well, ever since Kaede was voted out, I realised how serious this can be…" Miroku states. "She was the last person I would have expected."
"Yeah, she was always cooking for us, tending our wounds…" Sango adds.
"Giving us mummy huggles…" Says Kouga, and shuts up quickly.
"I think it's been a really good experience so far," Kagome says. "I've learnt a lot about living with different types of people."
Four out of five couples are sitting together tending their 'children'. George is perhaps the best looking of all the children, with carefully brushed hair and hand made clothes. He also appears to be armed with a small hiraikotsu and a rather crude looking black hole drawn on one of the hands. Tiger Lily Xena Fairy Princess Pea is also looking very beautiful. Snot Ball fits his name perfectly, whereas Kraken looks more like a potato than a giant squid. Kagome decides she wants to go to bed.
8.10 pm
Kagome finds her mended baby on her bed, wrapped in a red cloak of fire rat's fur with a rather crude note pinned to it, that says "Sheela".
9.00 pm
The rest of the cast decide to pack it in for the night, after a game of Twister.
12.00 am
There is activity outside. It appears to be the last night of the full moon, and the two resident dogs, fox and wolf have snuck outside to howl at it. Uncannily, their baying is incredibly tuneful and sounds like an a capella version of 'Itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini'. They then go on to perform such classics as 'Achy-Breaky heart' and 'Go West'. This unusual and rare event goes on for about an hour, after which the canines snap out of their trances and yell at eachother for a bit. Sesshoumaru flicks Kouga on the nose, and Inuyasha stomps on Sesshoumaru's foot. Then they go to bed.