Sanzo...are you afraid to die? Myka asked him, swinging her feet idly on the tree branch. It was the day she was going to leave. He was down at the roots, and looked up at her through narrow eyes, not suspecting anything but her different behavior.
I'm not afraid, I just don't want to.
She struggled, trying to put this to make sense. Not wanting to do something...Isn't that a form of fear?
Not really...
Than what is it?
It's just a feeling, damnit. Why do you have to analyze it?
No reason....
...You've been acting weird lately...more than usual. Stop it.
all right. She climbed down, her voice fragile. I've got to go clean windows, Sanzo... She gave him a sad smile, her eyes going glassy. It hasn't been raining, you know.

Scroll Five: Let it Be

Goku's snores were painfully obvious, as Hakkai looked over at him from the edge of his book.
You certainly wore him out, didn't you?
He's not the only one tired. Myka said, a yawn following suit. They had ran alongside Jeep as it was traveling, duking it out while running for about two hours past four. It had been dangerous; twice Myka had to stop to suppress her alter ego of a youkai. As they drew nearer to the west, it was getting harder and harder to keep it locked away. That reminded her...
Do you think that...thing inside me has something to do with the resurrection?
Hakkai laid his book down, and turned his attention to her, her image tainted by the blazing fire.
Who cares. Gojyo's arm was slung around her shoulders lazily, it's hand playing subconsciously with her hair. He was content in playing Poker with Sanzo, who had a permanent scowl on his face, from having his luck turn sour three games in a row. We're going to stop the resurrection anyway; why dwell on it?
I suppose you have a point. Hakkai adjusted his eye piece continently. I'm just curious as to why assassins have been growing less in number over the period of time we've had Myka-chan.
From what I've seen, whenever she's taken and not herself, she goes on a killing rampage. Sanzo spat, glaring at his cards and ignoring Gojyo's snicker laced with liquor. And if she does have something to do with the resurrection, they don't want to kill her off.
But than they would attempt to kidnap her, right? Hakkai reasoned. Sanzo shook his head, and spared a dangerous glance at the female.
Not nessarily. As we go west, closer to Gyumaoh, Myka is having to try and suppress that youkai more and more. I've got a feeling that once we get there, they plan that she will turn on us, and then contribute to whatever they want her to do. Or other wise, kill us. He was in the process of lighting a cigarette, and with a click of metal he snapped the lighter shut. If we can't depend on you, Myka, than your going to have to leave.
I'll try. She answered, her hands clenched.
That's not enough. Sanzo said flatly, and breathed out some smoke into the crisp night air. Either you can, or you can't. If I have a preference, I'd rather not shoot you. Get lost if you can't handle it.
It was silent for a moment, even Goku's snoring seemed put on mute.
Don't be such an ass, Sanzo. If she can't handle it, then you can shoot her. Don't be so selfish. Gojyo tisked, wagging a finger at him.
I'll make sure she kills you first before I do anything. Sanzo replied coldly, placing a suit of hearts down.
You all seem to have lost faith in Myka-chan. Hakkai smiled. She is learning, having to keep the youkai at bay twice today must've been hard, along with the physical-
And mental. Gojyo chimed in.
Exhaustion of Goku. Hakkai continued promptly. I'm sure she'll be all right. However... he folded his hands and rested his chin on them, looking serenely at Myka, who didn't like the sudden attention she was getting. If you feel you can't handle it, Myka-chan, I'd rather you leave and stay alive, rather than die in front of my face.
I-I understand... She took a deep breath, and embraced her knees, resting her head upon them. If I get out of control before we get there, I want you to leave me. Because I will not leave Sanzo-kun again. If I-I...I do lose myself when we do get there, please do not feel guilt or sorrow if you kill me. In your side of things, Sanzo-kun, I will let you know if I can't handle it.
I win. Gojyo grinned, and took the cards. Royal flush, Sanzo-kun. He chuckled as he shuffled the deck and put it back into his pocket. Sanzo rubbed his brow with the air of very thin patience.
Your hair isn't the only thing that's going to be red if you keep it up.
Ahah, I think it's time we get to sleep, don't you think? Hakkai supplied, crawling over to the drooling Goku and tossing a blanket over him. Sanzo made a swift jerk of his hand, ridding himself of tabacco, a sign the party had come to understand as agreement.
You want to sleep with me again tonight, beautiful? Gojyo asked, rubbing her arm. It is awful cold. But I can assure you'll be hot all night...not that you ever aren't. He grinned wrathfully, and she looked at Sanzo, whose eyebrow arched into his bangs.
He didn't really state as it question.
You don't mind, do you?
The hell, I don't give a shit, what gave you that idea? But the way his eyes gleamed suspiciously looked like anger to her, and she sighed. It probably had to do with his resentment to Gojyo, not her. It never had to do with her.
You go on ahead, I'm gonna stay up and meditate to neutralize my chi. Hakkai said it would help. I'll be there in an hour or so.
All right, want to play hard to get, hnn? I'll see you later then. His arm slipped off her shoulders as he got up with a lazy grunt and practically fell into his blankets once he reached there. Myka smiled fondly at him before crossing her legs and sitting up straight.
Find your center... She mumbled, recalling what Hakkai had told her.

Don't try and clear your mind, just ease yourself into it. He had told her with a smile, sitting continently in the desert sand. They were away from the others, who had agreed to stop to eat lunch, after Goku's onslaught of complaints about how eating while moving disturbed his precious digestion process.
Ease yourself into it? She repeated doubtfully, running a hand through her hair, trying to hide her frustration. She was failing miserably. How can I ease' myself into it?! I mean, tons of things are on my mind, not to mention that damn youkai-
Relax, Myka-chan. Hesitantly, he put his hand on her shoulder. That's the first step.
She huffed, closing her eyes.
Don't will yourself to do it-
I know, I know, ease yourself into it.
My, aren't we the terse one this afternoon. Your temper is usually quite stable. She opened one silver eye littered with blue.
I'm sorry...it's... She took a deep breath, catching the gentle squeeze he gave her shoulder.
To be blunt, it'd be best if you were quiet. Goku is trying his best, you know. it was then Myka noticed how silent it was. She looked over at the trio, Sanzo was reading last weeks newspaper, Gojyo was smoking and teasing Goku, who had a rather angry look on his face, due to the tape stuck to his mouth and rope around his hands.
Uh...they didn't have to do that...
Maybe not. But try to relax, if not for your own sake, than for someone else's.
I'll give it a shot... She bit her lower lip and shut her eyes, rolling her shoulders back and placing her hands in her lap. After a minute of sitting still, she could almost visualize Hakkai's smile.
Very good. Now, you must find your center.
...My center? Are you kidding?
No. Listen, but keep your eyes closed. Chi comes from seven centers of the body. They are the forehead, chest, spine, abdomen, hands, shoulders, and feet. The four main centers are the forehead, chest, spine, and abdomen. Usually, one specializes in one of these four centers to draw their energy from. This is finding your center.'
Your pretty explanatory-
I was a teacher.
...um, but how do I find my center'?


I'm not sure. He replied finally with a chuckle. She almost face faulted, forcing her eyes to stay shut.

Calm down, your temper is going back up again. Things are still on your mind. Relax...allright, I'm not sure how you do it, because to me, it came naturally. I mostly use my hands, which is odd because their not one of the four centers. Nevertheless, try focusing your chi, once you've cleared your mind, to one of those four, and see if it feels natural. You'll know when you find it.
Okay...but how will this help me again?
By finding your center and neutralizing your chi within that center, you'll be able to call upon it to help suppress the youkai ego. In other words, you'll be able to group your chi all in one place, making it much more efficient and powerful. By doing this every night-
Every night... She groaned, and he snickered.
Yes, your chi manipulation will get stronger, and holding back that youkai should become easier, if my theory is correct.
Okay, thanks, I guess...
Now, you'll have to excuse me, I must save Goku from a certain fate. He paused, not quite ready to leave her. Good luck, Myka-chan. I'm...I...
Your not helping me clear my mind, you know, Hakkai. You're making me think of all the things I want you tell me. I'd rather you save those words for another time.
Thus the pupil becomes the teacher.

Never mind, about the patience. I'm rushing things, aren't I?
She was beyond tempted to open her eyes. I've lost 21 years I could've spent with you. All you wanted to do was say something. We're talking about two different time periods. I'm talking about two seconds ago; your talking about all of the days we've spent together so far...Maybe...maybe that's the... difference between you and I.
I see you've inherited my perspective. He chuckled at his boast. I'm joking, of course.
You're not.
Oh, Goku is suffering because of my stalling...
Um...you'll help me regain those last 21 years...right?
...Starting tomorrow morning.
I-I'd really...like that.
So would I.

Closing her eyes, she willed herself to clear her mind. Clear her mind...Clear her-
Clear your mind quietly, quietly. Sanzo barked, somehow keeping it in range of a whisper.
She opened one eye, noticing Sanzo on his stomach, the blankets wrinkled around him, the firelight making his sun-colored hair that much more brilliant. She didn't realize she had been murmuring clear your mind.'
Quit staring at me, aren't you supposed to clear your mind?'
...I-If you don't mind me saying so, your a bit...upset, or something, Sanzo-kun.
I do mind you saying so.
Gomen. G'night, then. She shut her eyes again. But the image of Sanzo kept nagging at her, and she shook her head in a non too gentle shake. It came back, except this Sanzo had a gun pointed straight at her, and his violet depths showed just a bit of sadness. It was only a flicker, like a ripple to a pond, but it was there. Clear her mind, clear her mind...
This is pointless... She moaned, rising to her feet. Sanzo was too much of a distraction. She spared a glance over at him, he was in a trancelike state, staring at the embers ballet. Are you okay, Sanzo-kun?
...Get lost.
Something about clearing her mind destroyed her temper. Bam, just like that.
Why are you so...don't you...why can't you tell me anything? She asked softly; her anger differed from Sanzo's. Sanzo's wasn't soft; it was cold and blunt. Her's was a mixture of tenderness and shyness, not quite as bold. It was like fighting dirt with fire. His eyes didn't leave the fire, the violet stained with red and orange.
There's nothing to tell.
He gave her a glare in response, and she smiled faintly. She leant exclusively on one leg, the other bent, her hips twilted sideways.
Quit acting like my parent.
I'm not trying to.
You are. Stop it if you wish to see tomorrow.
As long as your there. Myka answered briskly, giggling a little as she made her way over to Gojyo, who preferred to sleep the most away from the fireplace, claiming, I don't want to sleep near you homos, I like my ass untouched'.
She failed to hear Sanzo remark under his breath,
It's been fifteen 't resist the temptation? Gojyo welcomed her as she laid down beside him, bringing the woolen blankets up to her chin. Her back was to him, this he frowned at. Myka felt him embrace her from behind, his head nestling on the crook of her neck as it it were a pillow.
You okay? He asked, his voice heavy with sleep and alcohol.
...Not really...

She burrowed herself into him, his warmth, his comfort. Her back was still to him, but his legs somehow were tangled in hers. Oh kami, Gojyo...
You've got to stop doing this.
She went to move forward, but she felt his arms pull her back quickly.
Just...go to sleep. Let that bastard be, he doesn't deserve you right now.
Don't say that.
Too bad. I already did.
She had slept peacefully that night, but something nagged at her conscious state, like a piece of clothing snagged on a fence. She awoke around two, to find Sanzo still up, smoking and looking like the picture of his type of tranquil frustration. Carefully, she untangled herself from Gojyo and walked over, staggering a bit from waking up.
You're still up. She decided to state the obvious, wondering if he'd reply. He didn't. He did, however, spare a glance at her with those violet eyes, that made her freeze. What's up, Sanzo-kun?
Nothing is wrong, so just leave. His response was gruff, and came out as a snarl. No matter how tired, Sanzo could always snarl. She didn't obey, deciding to be brave. Sitting down beside him, Myka was careful not to have their legs touch. Sanzo was very much like a snare; get to close, and he'll snap.
I told you to leave.
I'm not. Fine then, he wasn't going to give her any response. Like a child, he mused, she would get bored and frustrated, then leave.
I think the clouds are clearing up, Sanzo-kun. Her head was tilted up, searching the sky for any stars. He glanced upward, noting that no stars would show through until some time.
No stars are going to show until a few hours. It's hopeless. Go back to sleep.
Not if I wait. She locked eyes with him, for the first time that night, and saw how tired he was. Of course he was tired, he wasn't sleeping. God, she's been hanging around Goku too much.
Waiting is for idiots. Suddenly she wondered if they were talking about the stars anymore.
W-Why, Sanzo-kun? He seemed to consider if he should answer her or not, and reached to his left and withdrew a stick, tossing it into the fire. It hissed it's thanks as the flames began to devour it.
Doing nothing...you might as well die and get it over with. You don't live to do nothing. He determined, trying to make this less personal.
But I'm not doing just nothing.' I am doing something. A small, timid voice at the back of her mind added, aren't I?
No, you're not. Your just wasting your time. This was aimed directly at her, and for a moment, Sanzo lost his original plan of making this have nothing to do with them. Myka's lip trembled, and her hands clenched into tight fists.
What's wrong with me, Sanzo-kun?! What the hell is wrong?! Am I not attractive enough?! Am I bitch?!? Do you hate me or something?... Why aren't you answering?!? She both yelled and whispered at the same time, her eyes shut because she was too ashamed of herself for finally cracking. Why...why don't you feel the same way about me...as I do you...? She broke down, the tears leaking from her closed eyes. She shoulders shuddered and shook, but she still sat up straight.
You're so pathetic and weak. Sanzo's voice came in a rough, cold whisper. He was standing now, towering over her with sharp shadows that defined his face like a sculpture. She looked up at him, and found she had no will to stand. She was frozen under that gaze, that gaze that looked so much like hate.
You disgust me. He turned to leave, but she grabbed his robes in a desperate attempt, and stood on trembling legs.
Sanzo-kun...don't do this... She whimpered, reaching out her other hand. He slapped it away. It hurt. Badly. His face showed no emotion as he started to walk, but her left hand clung to his clothing tighter. She whispered, and threw herself on him, hugging him around his neck. Tears began to pour down her cheeks as she began to cry again.
Myka felt Sanzo shove her away, gripping her by the shoulders and holding her a foot away from him. His eyes bore holes into her skull, almost seeing past her.
Then...
He slapped her across the face.
Her eyes went wide as she looked back at him, the sting lengthening to beyond just her skin. This wasn't Sanzo...Sanzo wouldn't do this...Why...?
You make me sick. He said the words with such hatred, with such coldness she couldn't even cry. She felt like she was suffocating, and she was too shocked to even cry harder.
But he was right.
He slapped her other cheek, the blow would make anyone stumble.
But she held her ground, her mouth agape as she began to come to grips with what was happening. Myka brought her hand to her stinging face and wiped away her tears, looking back at Sanzo, who looked as if nothing had really happened, save the fact that his time was wasted.
Her jaw was firm as she smiled alittle, realizing suddenly how much she really loved Sanzo. She had thought he had hated her when he had uttered those words, but he had shook her by the shoulders and forced the fact into her mind.
She had to get stronger.
She couldn't depend on him, she couldn't cry if he left her, and feel life couldn't go on. Because that could really happen.
He wanted her to survive.
He wanted her to live.
And that was sure as hell better than him hating her.
Sanzo-kun...I...thank you.
The look he gave her made her wonder briefly if she had been given him too much credit, and it didn't go into doubt when he couldn't find anything to say. He just shook his head slightly and turned to walk away again when she found her voice, steady this time. I don't...really make you sick, do I?
You're thinking to much. You've never been any good at it, so shut up.
Whatever it was she did, he was back to normal.

I'll become stronger.
Of course you will. He said, all but sarcasm dripping from his lips. What does that have to with anything?
What do you have to do with stars? She shot back, stepping closer.
Pfft. Nothing. This is just a waste of my time.
...Can you just answer me one more question?
She was lucky he was in an agreeable mood.
Can you check my shoulder wound?
You should have Hakkai do that.
Hakkai's not the one up.
Wait until morning. He became very aware that Myka was now only a foot away from him, looking at him in the most curious way.
It is morning. Please? The bandage is really bothering me.
Quit whining. He wasn't expecting it to be healed, but he ripped off the bandage, anyway, seeing if Myka would flinch.
To his disappointment, not even a wince.
When all of the bandage was off, he had to strain his eyes to see in the darkness. It looked healed...he ran his fingers over the spot, applying unnecessary pressure. Still, no tension, no pain. Damnit. He hit a rather tender area, where a notch of her shoulder was missing, like a ditch on the side of a road. It was a clean indent, the size of half his bullet.
Otherwise, no blood, it was healed as much as it could manage.

Don't sound too happy. She replied, running her own fingers over it. She flinched this time as she touched it, in the exact same spot Sanzo had. That was weird, he thought, how it hurt more when she touched it than when he had, at a greater pressure.
They both stood there, both had planned to leave as soon as the other had. Consequently, nether had moved. Thinking this was a low as he could get, Sanzo attempted to walk away, expecting to be stopped; but he wasn't. He looked back, to make sure she hadn't died, and she hadn't. Her back was toward him, her hair swaying slightly due to the sudden breeze that picked up.
He almost smirked...almost.
It was almost as if...he had grown used to her, but she had suddenly changed. No, maybe it was him who had changed. Maybe she did make him sick, his stomach felt like it was twisting into knots, and the sound of throbbing became accustomed to his ears.
It must've been his sleep-loss.

Hakkai, what was my mother like? Myka asked him the next morning, the sun not quite up as blue began to slowly creep from the eastern horizon. Nibbling on some bread, she noted Gojyo was torn between sleeping and staying awake. Hold on... She told the driver, who was fighting his inner angst. She took Sanzo's elastic from her braid, played with it in her hand, before tying Gojyo's hair back, sitting back down on his lap in satisfaction.
He must've stayed up late, to make sure she would sleep.
Hakkai ran a hand through his hair, slowly, as if he had touch every single strand to make sure he was still there. He looked back at his daughter, who was untangling her braid. She wasn't Kanan, he repeated to himself. She wasn't Kanan. Kanan was gone. He had to accept that, to let it be.
If he could not, he would live as a dead man.
He couldn't do that; not while Myka was living. He was responsible for her.
But looking at her, he realized that his last thought wasn't a fact, it was an opinion. She survived this far on her own; what did she need him for?

Sorry...her name was Kanan, and she was the most beautiful women-
Gojyo made a loud snort, despite of his dozing, and Hakkai corrected himself with a hint of a grin.
In my eyes, I suppose. But she more than just a lover...
...What do you mean?
She was also my older sister. He didn't know how she would react, and she kind of just blinked,
Oh, I see...go on.
You don't...your not upset?
Um...not really. I mean, I'm not into that, but if you are-were-it's your business. I don't care, you're still my father, and my mother was my mother. I shouldn't be upset about something that I can't change, or about the very person that brought me into existence. Even if I'm not supposed to be.
An odd silence decided to blanket itself around them, wrapping around them with it's cold touch and forming a slight wall. Myka visibly shivered; even though it was about 60 degrees.
...Did she hate me, Hakkai? She asked softly, and Goku snapped out of his daydreaming, his large, somewhat innocent eyes watched with slight confusion. How could a mother hate her own child? The thought struck him as not only being directed at Myka, but himself.
She didn't think you were you, Myka-chan. She thought you were that youkai that's locked inside of you now. His voice was calm and light, as if he were asking her to pass salt at dinnertime.
Was she right...or wrong...to do what she did? Myka's soft tone was so hard to hear Hakkai cursed Jeep's motor. Of course, he knew what she was talking about. It's something, he too, used to lose sleep over at night.
I'm not sure. He looked back, and smiled. Ah, I see your up, Goku. Hungry? She realized what he was doing, and she decided to let it go. Something must've been really terrible, and she had this toxicating feeling that he had killed many; after all, he was a youkai. And in her blood, she was pure human.
Forgetting was man's way of survival. To bury the dead, is like burying man's grief.
But...
What was a youkai's?
And it hit her, a sudden thought that came light the rising of sun over the horizon.
Kanan must've never been buried.
Hakkai has been suffering, because Kanan is never completely gone, buried.
And here she was, almost like Kanan reincarnated, and she was bugging him about her, the real Kanan.
What an idiot she was.
Looking around, she watched as another brawl between Gojyo and Goku was unfolding, Hakkai driving and Sanzo making absent-minded death threats.
It was like she wasn't there.
And maybe she never was.
But maybe...
I'm sorry, Hakkai. She whispered, her bangs overshadowing her eyes. He had heard her, and he shook his head.
She is alive, weak or strong.
And it's about time she accepted that. Whether or not she wants to be here, well...that was her decision.
If she could just...
Everything will be all right, Myka-chan...just let it be.
Let it be. She whispered, and smiled as Sanzo's eyes snagged hers, acknowledging her prescence. It was about time she did so.

A/N: I'm sorry I took so long updating! Thanks for waiting and the reveiws, including the strange one from Bet You Love That. It's alright, I'm almost finished this deluded fantasy' of mine, so you can rest easy, I guess. I've gotta warn you regular readers, nontheless, this may not turn out how you might've expected. To me, it's a very anti-climatic ending and is very poorly done, plus it's come all too soon, but that's up to you to decide. This next bit is just my take on the story, so you can skip it.
This story was created as a what if' thought I had in my mind, and I wanted to bring out how each of the Saiyuki characters react to different emotions and states of mind (meaning life and death). That's all. It's supposed to be a romance, even though there is virtually no romance. Literally. It's all almost one-sided, and it's all just to get my idea across. If you look back carefully, much of the places and event have to do with symbolism to the character. Example: Sanzo embracing Myka when he was sick, or you could say on the brink of death. Only when he was weak and nearing , so to speak, is when he accepted Myka's life in her and her love for him, that he embraced her. Showing that Sanzo, even though his is perspective, cannot accept emotions until he is in his very weakest state so he just has to see.
About Myka, I based her character on a friend of mine, and based her on the emotion love and all the others attached to it. Again, referring to the above paragraph.
That's what makes this fic so poorly done, and I apologize if anyone really hates me for it. But it's not only Sanzo this fic is about, and I won't keep going on and on, I'll just let you figure it out if you want. Some of you may find this fic more enjoyable by ignoring the symbolism and just looking at as a romance. Because you can veiw it that way, if you choose. Some of you may not. I just thank you all for reading and reviewing, and I hope you feel something about these last two chapters, be it anger, dissapointment, or satisfaction. Because that is a sign that I affected you somehow.
I'll see you one last time in the final chapter, which will close all the gaps I've left open this chapter. Ja ne, and please review.