Agent Smith: The Complete Owner's Guide and Manual
Rated: PG-13 for some innuendo
Summary: The complete owner's guide and manual for getting the most out of your Agent Smith. Inspired by the owner's guides (to various Lord of the Rings characters) written by the incomparable Theresa Green.
Author's Note: I do not, in any way, shape, or form, own any of the following characters, though I would own Agent Smith for my own personal uses in a heart beat if given the chance. All characters remain the property of the Wachowski brothers and most likely Warner Brothers as well. Story is written for entertainment purposes only, as I make absolutely no money at all from writing it. Enjoy!
THE MATRIX HAS YOU……THE MATRIX HAS YOU…..THE MATRIX HAS YOU….THE MATRIX HAS YOU…
UNIT NAME: Agent Smith
TYPE: Computer program
EYES: Unnaturally blue
HAIR: Close cut, brown
LENGTH: Programmable to meet your own needs
ORIGNIAL RELEASE YEAR: 1999
Congratulations on purchasing your very own AGENT SMITH! In order to make the most of your AGENT SMITH, please take a few moments to review this guide.
Your SMITH unit will come safely packaged in a wooden crate. Before opening, please ensure that the arrows on the box are pointing in an upwards position. Locate the front panel, which is indicated by the packaging slip. IMPORTANT! Keep your packing slip as it also contains return shipping labels in the event that you need to have your AGENT SMITH returned to the MTRX company. Once you have removed the slip, knock once on the front panel to alert your SMITH to your presence. There is no need to pry the panel off as the SMITH unit will free himself of his confines. HINT: You may want to do this outside, as there is no way of knowing just how forcefully your unit will emerge from the crate. Once he is out of the crate, please take a moment to ensure that he has come with all of his accessories.
ACCESSORIES:
A) Earpiece
B) Suit and tie
C) Handgun
D) Sunglasses
If any items are missing or damaged, please call Customer Service at 1-800-MY-SMITH for a replacement.
BASIC CARE:
You will find that your SMITH unit is designed to be low maintenance. Your SMITH requires no food or drink to sustain himself. Instead, give your AGENT SMITH one to two hours of relaxation time each day. During this time, your SMITH unit will derive all of the necessary energy needed directly from the Matrix. Some new owners may also feel it necessary to bathe their AGENT to keep all of his parts free of dust and dirt. In the case of every day use, it is recommended that you wipe your unit down using an approved electronic-friendly duster (applied liberally) and a soft cloth. In the rare case that your SMITH becomes exceedingly dirty for any reason, it may be necessary to use warm water first. Some owners will, in these cases, give their AGENT a shower. This is fine and will not harm your unit. However, under NO circumstance should you ever completely submerge you unit in any form of salted water (includes bath salts). Certain chemicals may soak into the unit and cause shortages!
USES:
You will find your AGENT SMITH to have a variety of uses. Here are a few suggestions:
BABYSITTER: Tell you SMITH that MORPHEUS is rumored to be freeing the minds of youngsters in the neighborhood. Your unit is programmed to prevent such an event and will guard your children with every microchip of his being.
HOME SECURITY SYSTEM: Your unit is programmed for vigilance and has a strong desire to protect the natural order of the Matrix. Regardless of whether you tell him to stand guard or not, your SMITH will patrol your property and kill anyone who tries to breach your home. IMPORTANT!!! It is mandatory that you alert your SMITH to any visitors that you are expecting so as to avoid any messy mistakes on the part of your unit. If you still find this programming unsettling, you can change his attitude by accessing your unit's "Aggression" level. Contact the Customer Service help line for details.
STUDY AID: Because your AGENT is in constant connection to the Matrix, he can retrieve any up-to-date information needed at any moment in time. Be sure to utilize this attribute, not just for your own use, but as a quick help for any school aged child.
SETTINGS:
Your SMITH comes with several behavioral/attitude settings. You may change your AGENT'S attitude to the following settings: Normal, Dangerous, Threatening, Deadly. Your SMITH also comes with the adjustable behavioral settings of Slash, Normal and Programmable. NOTE: It is not recommended that you leave your SMITH in the Programmable behavioral setting.
TROUBLE SHOOTING:
What does my SMITH'S Programmable mode mean?
Under this setting, you may program your SMITH'S mood and behavior to anything that you desire. It allows for you to create your ideal SMITH. This mode is most often used in conjunction with fanfiction websites, allowing you to live out any particular stories with your SMITH.
Is it possible to store favorite stories or behaviors on my AGENT SMITH?
Your unit is set to store up to 1,000 such behaviors under the Programmable mode. You may, however wish to set a password on your unit, especially if you have a spouse. The company is not responsible for any damage your personal relationships may sustain if your favorite behaviors are discovered by your significant other.
My AGENT SMITH keeps saying that I smell like a human. What can I do about this problem and placate my unit?
Unfortunately, because your unit is a machine, this problem will always exist for him. However, you may be able to placate your unit by asking him to join you in the shower to ensure that you no longer smell offensive.
My AGENT arrived and keeps looking around with a lost expression on his face. What's wrong with him?
If your AGENT seems to be looking around as if he is leaderless, call him by name. If he does not respond to the name of SMITH, you may have accidentally been issued an AGENT JONES or AGENT BROWN model. Please return your unit promptly to the MTRX company for an exchange.
My neighbor has a NEO, TRINTY, or MORPHEUS. Can I let my SMITH play with them?
Under NO circumstances should your AGENT be allowed to interact with a NEO model! It is also not recommended that your SMITH should come into contact with a TRINTY or MORPHEUS model. However, if such a meeting is to occur, please make sure to have both units set to the same behavioral mode. (You would not want, for example, your SMITH to be set to Slash mode if the MORPHEUS model is set to Normal mode).
I hate my AGENT'S earpiece. Is there a way to make my unit stop wearing it?
It is possible to rid your SMITH of his dependence on his earpiece. Simply contact the Customer Service Unit Upgrades line at 1-800-UPGRADE for a free update for your SMITH.
My AGENT SMITH stopped using his earpiece! What happened?
Did you download the free upgrade from the MTRX company? (details above) If not, your SMITH may have come into contact with a Model 2 NEO lately. Unfortunately, any upgrades made to your SMITH are not reversible.
My SMITH keeps replicating himself! What should I do? Is there a way to stop this behavior?
This is a common effect of your AGENT SMITH'S upgrade. There is currently noremedy for this behavior. Simply enjoy the extra SMITHS at no additional cost to you or sell them on EBAY for a healthy profit.
My AGENT SMITH does not seem to be himself lately. He keeps saying things like "everything that has a beginning must have an end." What is wrong with my unit?
This is the equivalent of a "blue screen of death" that you might encounter on a computer. Your SMITH has been exposed to a Model 3 NEO and is beginning to crash. This is a permanent condition that will utterly delete your unit's files. Currently there is no solution to this problem. The MTRX company claims no responsibly for such an event and is not obligated to replace your unit.
My SMITH seems very paranoid whenever he sees someone wearing a gold wedding ring and mutters about how it must be destroyed.
You have accidentally been issued an ELROND unit from our associate company LOTR. If you are unsatisfied with your ELROND unit, simply return him to the company within 30 days for a full refund or exchange.
REMEMBER: Your AGENT SMITH is a lifetime commitment and may be handed down to your children. Please call the Customer Service hotline at 1-800-MY-SMITH often for available updates to keep your AGENT working properly.
Your AGENT SMITH comes with an unlimited full service extended warrantee (in the unlikely event that your SMITH malfunctions).