The Trouble with Evil Monkeys

Chapter 3: PARTY!!

Written by: Pinky.

Disclaimer: WE DON'T OWN IT! WE SWEAR ON THE PINK FLUFFY BEDROOM SLIPPERS!

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Hermione wandered out to the Quidditch pitch after getting over Ron's death. He was the only one she ever loved, and as much of an idiot that he was, it was cruel that an evil rabid monkey of impending doom had killed him when he could have died a much nobler way, such as dying at the hands of Winky the revenge-obsessed House-Elf. At least she had something to remember him by. The stench of his fart. So beautiful. Anyway. She moseyed on out to the Quidditch pitch. Where she found Lord Voldemort laughing madly.

At his feet was Harry's body, which was now giving off rather horrible fumes. Like gym socks, the kind her parents always wore.

To her amazement, there was a monkey sitting on Voldemort's shoulder. And it was speaking in clear Albanian. In fact, he was worshipping naked mole-rats. Albanian is a very difficult language to understand, see, because of the repetitive use of verbs and the fact that it is spoken very quickly. So prayers to naked mole-rats should have been very difficult to understand. However, having taken Mongolianese, Latin, Qaanaaqese, French, Ethiopian, and Uzbekistani, she was an expert at conjugating verbs, and although she somehow missed taking Albanian during her year at preschool, she was able to tell that the monkey had quite horrible grammar. Conveniently, bad grammar was one of her hugest pet peeves, so she marched right up to the monkey, and poked its back. Surprisingly, Lord Voldy-Something did not even notice, much less turn around.

"HEY! YOU STUPID MONKEY! YOUR GRAMMAR IS REALLY BAD!"

The monkey's beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes squinted at her from the back of his head, for some odd reason. Lord Voldymorty still did not turn around.

"Excuse me?"

"YOU STUPID MONKEY! YOUR GRAMMAR IS REALLY BAD!"

"I heard you. Honestly, students these days are so stupid... I was merely asking why you were telling me that, I thought you would have known."

Hermione looked highly affronted, and tears started pooling in her eyes.

"I am not stupid. I hadn't taken Albanian during preschool and YET I knew that your grammar was bad!"

The monkey sighed again, and was about to take out a plastic apple, when Hermione wailed, and dashed off to the school. The monkey rolled his beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes and threw the apple at her retreating back. It bonked off of her afro, and zoomed right back at him, not making even a small dent in her hair. He blinked in slight shock. He quickly recovered. It wouldn't do to appear stupid. His beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes pointed back at Voldemort.

"I bet she's gone to go pick up some Sri Lankanese up at the school now."

The Dark Tosser's red eyes widened.

"Really?"

The monkey rolled his eyes again. He had been doing a lot of that recently, and his beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes were really starting to hurt.

"Really."

Meanwhile, Hermione had dashed over to the kitchens, where she was now singing and dancing around the House Elves, having forgotten her previous dilemma of the Ungrammatical Monkey.

"I'm a slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... I cannot hold it, I cannot control it baby..."

The House-Elves stared at her in disgust. After all, a girl with an afro and severe lack of fashion sense singing a trashy Britney song about slaves was a rather disturbing sight, particularly for House-Elves. Then Dobby appeared, holding a pastry and looking quite concerned for Hermione. Winky, on the other hand, was slowly advancing with a rather lethal looking kitchen knife. Hermione thought she was muttering,

"That girl has killed Master... Master, I will not let Master down!:

But she couldn't hear anymore after some Elves grabbed the revenge-obsessed House Elf and dragged her away. Dobby sprang forward.

"Miss, Dobby has brought some cake! Would Miss enjoy some cake?"

Hermione stared at Dobby, making him quite uncomfortable. In fact, she stared at him for exactly 3.46 minutes. By this time her eyes were bigger than Dobby's. Breaking out of his uncomfortable silence, he squealed, staring at her eyes.

"Miss! Miss has Dobby's eyes, yes! How wonderful it is, that Miss has the same eyes as Dobby!"

And he tried to hug her popping eyes. Snapping out of her trance, Hermione squeaked and tripped over the tray of pastries, sending them flying everywhere. She herself was covered in them. Dobby was still hanging onto her eyeballs. Then the room went silent. The Elves, covered in chocolate éclairs and vanilla pudding stared in horror. Hermione, in a fit of fury, charged out the painting door, and shut it very quickly behind her, causing Dobby to squeal in pain and fly off onto the apple, which smacked him round the face. Hermione raced off at top speed to the castle grounds, where she found Professor Dumbldore playing Twister with Professor McGonagall.

"Oomph, my dear Professor, do you have to bend your legs like that? They're actually right over my nose, and well... Let me ask you. When was the last time you showered?"

Hermione ran out screaming to the library, where Madam Pince was dancing merrily amongst a bonfire of giant books. Hermione looked around, and to her dismay, only saw Madam Pince and several pairs of sneakers.

"WHERE ARE THE BOOKS?!"(1)

Madam Pince ignored her and continued dancing around the fire.

"Hey, girl! Hey, girl! Throwing a party, yeah, yeah! Come on!"

Hermione, now transfixed by Madam Pince's... Erm... Wonderful singing, was now also prancing around the flames, chanting.

"HEY, GIRL! HEY GIRL! DESTROYING BOOKS, YEAH YEAH!"

"WOOT!!"

"COME ON!!"

Meanwhile, Neville, oblivious to the party ensuing inside the library, walked in to find a book on underwater marine life. To his horror and utter disappointment, he walked in, only to find his strict librarian and school genius Hermione Granger doing a bit of Indian pow-wow dancing around a large bonfire. That was apparently fed with books.. To make things worse, Madam Pince was in the process of throwing his Underwater Plants and Why They are Cool book into the raging flames.

"NOOOOOOO!!!"

He lunged at Madam Pince. While Neville and Madam Pince wrestled for the book of cool underwater plants, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom flew through the window and knocked poor Hermione into the flames at the same time, causing her to shriek,

"THE PARTY IS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEE....!"

And then she got burned to a crispy crisp, while, of course, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom watched in satisfaction. Then he flew back out the window, through the hallway, and picked up Zimbabwaynese on the way back to Lord... Something.

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A/N: Ah, it's a bit short, but who cares? You all wanted it!

(1)- Credit to SiriuslyFun19212, while we talked for a bit on AIM, she gave me that awesome line. Hehe...