"Well, this is a conundrum," said Snape as he walked around Ron, checking his eyes and ears and pondering quietly. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Dumbledore?"

"Probably not," he answered, giving Snape a wink. Snape shuddered and continued to explain that he suspected Muglitus was to blame. "Muglitus?" asked Harry. "What's that?"

"A very nasty disease that breeds upon Muggle items when brought to the Wizarding World. It turns even the most competent wizards into the very worst of Muggle people. Which is why we have strict restrictions on these things. Mr Weasley must have many Muggle items in his possession for him to have it to this degree." Harry and Hermione exchanged worried glances. Snape didn't realise he was talking about the wrong Mr Weasley. Ron took advantage of the hushed discussion between the others and grabbed his wand off the table. A short spell later and he was gone. "Anyone who has been in recent contact with him will get it very soon," Dumbledore added. "So you three will probably come down with the symptoms very soon."

"Can't you get it, sir?"

"No. I've had the jab."

"There's a jab? Why haven't we fking had it?!"

"Because its a very rare and painful jab and we have laws to prevent this kind of thing happening anyway. Seems we should have been more prepared, it has already spread to you, Miss Granger." Hermione shook her head in disbelief, unaware of her hair forming into a greasy ponytail and of the thick makeup unprofessionally coating her face and building into dusty mounds around every crevice and line. "It seems that you've become a council-house single mother. Probably because of your Muggle blood you've caught the virus full on."

"But I don't have a fking baby!"

"Precisely. No teenage mother would have a baby actually on her person unless she was showing it off to her friends at school. It'll either be with its grandparents, social services, or its father, if you even know who that is - unlikely but not improbable."

"But of course I don't know who the father is!" she groaned. "Why me? I'm the smart one!"

Dumbledore sighed sadly, "It's always the smart ones, Miss Granger. Oh look, there's your baby now." A fair-haired baby around 6 months old materialised in her arms much to her dismay. "I haven't even held a boy's hand!"

"Muglitus creates an entirely different fictional timeline of events. You probably got drunk at a party and had a number of sexual encounters before one lucky sperm got through your frigid cervix and found the egg," Snape sneered. He had no time for this kind of mucking about when there was an epidemic about. He was the first to notice Ron had gone. "That little... Why wasn't anyone watching him?"

"We hab to gobine Rob," Harry tried to speak whilst tugging at the huge braces that enveloped his head and teeth. Dumbledore magicked them away. "Say what you needed to say, Harry, my magic won't last long against this."

"I said 'we have to find Ron', and stop him from spreading this further."

"Yes, before this baby tugs my nose ring off," Hermione growled and batted the chubby little hands away. Harry peered at the baby curiously. "You know... his hair is kind of gingery."

"Don't even fking suggest it, Harry. The hair is blond."

"Looks more white than blond to me," Dumbledore grinned.

"Don't you DARE even contemplate that kind of disgusting scenario! Draco Malfoy? As IF," she shrieked, forgetting her adulation and awe of him. "Now lets fking find fking Ron before he fking spreads this fking thing any fking further, alright you fkers?"

"Yes sir," they all cowered, except Snape who was trembling and rocking back and forth on the floor.

"Whab wrongb wib im?" Dumbledore reached over and prodded Snape with a stick. He immediately began to bite and gnaw it, growling furiously like a rabid dog until Dumbledore moved it away again. "Drug addict," he said simply. "Probably heroin. Would explain his greasy hair, tired dark eyes, wan look and neuroses."

"Sir, he's always been like that."

"Ah. Well anyway, let's go find Ron and cure everyone." Hermione put her baby into a pushchair she conjured up. "Thsay, Herbione, the baby'th bib sayth hib name ith Dino."

"That doesn't mean anything. Just because it's Latin and begins with 'D' and ends in 'O', doesn't mean it has anything to do with Draco, which just so happens to be Latin and begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' also," she huffed and then asked Dumbledore what the cure for Muglitus was exactly.

"The person who started the disease initially has to kiss everyone he spread it to."

"Yeth!" Harry cheered, "yeth yeth yeth yeth YETH!!!"

"That's a very fairytale way to stop a magic disease."

"Ah," said Dumbledore, "but only a fairytale can cure the misery and depravity of the real world. It is a Muggle's only encounter with magic and a fairytale in the heart is the best cure for anything reality can throw at someone." Harry nodded at this romantic notion and sighed happily. Hermione however was far too Mugglised. "What a load of crap!"