OMG NEXT CHAPTER

Ron was surprisingly easy to find. All the other children had gathered in the hall to witness his first live concert. It was basically Ron with a microphone making very bad imitations of record scratching and other such rap and hip-hop background noises. The children were enraptured. "Ron," Dumbledore shouted, "get back down here before your friend turns into a fulltime whore."

Ron put down his microphone and glared at him, "Dat is a very sexist way to talk about me bitch."

"Thee? He calb you hib bitchth. Thab meanth you went oub togebba."

"He calls every fking woman his bitch. He called Professor Gonagall his bitch when we went past her in the fking hallway."

"Miss Granger, language!"

"Sorry sir. I just seem to have an urge to swear," she told him and stubbed out her cigarette on her new dull pink tracksuit top. Draco ran past all the others and began to yell at Harry, "What the hell have you done to me?"

"Whab wrongb? You lookb the thame ab you dib earlier."

"Potter, I'm a rich, incestuously bred wizard with Muglitus. It's turned me into a member of the British Royal family. To top it all off, somehow now I'm in the middle of a trial as a judge. Her trial."

"Mine?!" Hermione gasped. "What did I do wrong?"

"You had underage sex with another member of royalty and now you're both on trial."

"So, you're not the father?"

Draco cackled loudly, "Of course I'm not!"

"Oh thank heavens..."

"My father is."

"Noooooo!!!" she wailed. Dumbledore patted her head comfortingly, "He's not really. This is just a virus that's projecting different pasts into your minds and becoming tangible objects." Ron finally made it from the other end of the hall to theirs. It took him a very long time as he had to walk a special way to make himself look cool and sexy which consisted of him gripping his crotch with one hand and swinging his other arm. He knocked several pupils out cold. "Harry and Draco, go gather those pupils up, you too Snape - no, I don't have any papers you can borrow, see if one of the children do -and be careful that Ron doesn't touch anyone else." Harry and Snape got to work and Draco unwillingly helped. They soon made it back to the Nurse's office where Dumbledore gave Ron the horrible news that to cure everyone he would have to kiss them. "But 'alf o dem is blokes, innit. Me is not a batty boy."

"But Ron, think of our fking safety and wellbeing."

"Fink of me own safety an wellbeing! Me mates will kick me 'ead in if dey find out!" Snape rolled his eyes and puffed greedily at a spliff. "Look, you idiot. Your gang mates don't exist they're all in your head. Now kiss your classmates before they all become Safeway Deli assistants and try and buy drugs from me to have during their tea breaks."

"But da girls ain't even fit!"

"I think he's right, Mr Snape," said Hermione. "I quite like my baby now. And I'll never have to work again because the government will pay me to stay at home."

"Oh no, she's become delirious," Dumbledore gasped. "Kiss her Ron, before she's lost forever."

"Wicked!" grinned Ron and grabbed her for a big snog. Exactly three seconds later he was on the floor being pummelled to death. "How dare you kiss me!" she yelled.

Harry shrugged, "Welb, the's cureb. "Ith it my turb yet?"

"No, not yet. Let the others go first."

"But thath knob hair", he wailed. Dumbledore assumed he meant "that's not fair" and not what it actually sounded like. "Alright Harry, you can go next. Now I know it'll be weird for you to kiss a friend and a boy but you'll just have to close your eyes and bear it fo- Harry? Harry?" Dumbledore was cut off by a Harry-shaped blur leaping to where the half-dead Ron lay abandoned by Hermione who had had her fill of boy-bashing for one day. "Miss Granger? Is it just me or is he enjoying that a bit too much?"

"Sssh. I'm enjoying it too," Hermione whispered and cocked her head to get a better look.

"Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one." Hermione stared at Dumbledore before edging away from him swiftly. They managed to drag Harry off of Ron after a while and Ron cured the unconscious kids he had hit before. But it took a very long time to try and force him and Draco together. In the end, Draco decided to risk the painful series of injections, as did Snape. "Injection," asked Hermione. "There's an injection for the cure as well as an inoculation?"

"Well of course. Ron can't kiss himself, can he? So the cure is the same as the prevention; a very painful series of injections."

"And you didn't tell us there was an alternative because...? Hermione snapped.

Dumbledore shrugged, "This way was more fun to watch," and she couldn't argue with that. Snape conjured up a nurse and the injections and soon a very sore bottomed Ron came out of the office to greet his friends. "Sorry about all that. I'll tell my dad to bewitch his new stuff as soon as possible and see if any of my brothers have Muglitus. Best to stop it now rather than later."

Dumbledore smiled at him warmly, "Especially as your family seem to be all over the globe nowadays."

"Sorry for smacking you and calling you my bitch, Hermione," he said to her blushing sheepishly at the memories of the way he acted.

"Think nothing of it," said Hermione, giving him a quick hug. Ron left with Harry in tow to go call his parents and explain about the virus. "Harry," he said as they climbed up the stairs.

"Yes?" said Harry nervously, wondering how much Ron remembered.

Ron teetered on the last step before saying, "You're... You're a very good kisser."

"Oh," said Harry, blushing slightly. "Cheers."

OMG TEH EDN?