A/N: Real life has been kicking my butt and I hit a brick wall with this. Sorry this chapter took so long, it wasn't suppose to. Also, thanks for all the wonderful reviews. :) Just in case you might think you've been gypped, the word count is officially 9,600. Also, THANK YOU to Sam. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You went through 27 typed pages and STILL managed to give me amazing words of encouragement, insight, and betterment. You make my writing more than I thought it could be. Thank you! ::hugs::
RECAP: Sean told Jay to basically go to hell and tried to reconnect with Emma more. Emma's been going up and down over Sean because she's conflicted concerning her feelings for him. The chapter ended with Emma offering support to a pregnant Manny while thinking over her feelings for Sean.
"I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore
you saw yourself."
- Dashboard Confessional
xXx
Sean was getting really tired of being ping-ponged around every which way. All depending on Emma's mood or frame of mind he was either a doormat or an actual human being to her. To say she was slowly driving him crazy was an understatement.
It was the end of school and Sean had only seen Emma a few times since lunch. Each time she had been by Manny's side, the supportive best friend again. Sean couldn't help but feel bitter that whether his day was crappy or not all rested on the whims of one bouncy blonde.
One very vengeful and stubborn blonde.
Yet for some reason he still found himself waiting around Emma's locker for her to show. When fifteen minutes passed he realized she probably wasn't coming to her locker and he dejected headed out of the school and toward home. What he really wanted to do was crash on his couch and mindlessly watch some television.
Luck wasn't on his side for much of anything, though. He was halfway home when he realized he was suppose to be working on a project with Liberty. Sean stopped, let it sink in, and then turned around and headed back toward the school.
Nearly a half an hour late Sean rushed into the library, sliding into a seat at the table Liberty was stationed at. He had to stifle a groan as he noticed there were even more books than the time before. "Let's get going."
Liberty almost seemed like she wanted to look at him disapprovingly, but instead she smiled. "You're late. Living on the edge. That's rad."
Sean hadn't thought Liberty had grown a second head, but he couldn't help checking. He finally noticed Liberty was wearing an usually large amount of black clothing and that she had her hair pulled into a ponytail on the side. He also could have sworn she was wearing lipstick, which was enough to make him think he was seeing things. "What are you wearing? Did something happen to you?"
"I finally decided to release the inner me. I'm tired of these clowns. People like you and me, we have to live fast. Party hard."
Sean laughed softly. "People like you and me? Liberty, the only thing I thought we both had in common was thinking it sucked that we were paired on the project. Anything beyond that is a delusion of your mind."
"You're wrong, Cameron. I'm bad. You and me are meant to be!"
Sean decided right then and there that he'd have to be brutally blunt. "Liberty, I am not and I will never be interested in you."
Liberty's face fell, her shoulders sinking in defeat. "Right. Cause the idea of me fitting with any guy it completely out of the realm of possibility."
Sean shook his head, feeling a tinge of sympathy. Liberty could be a pain, but she wasn't a bad person. "That's not what I meant. You just need to stop... trying to get the guy that just isn't interested. Look, don't try so hard. Be yourself."
"So, just be myself?" Liberty said it as though she was trying to get the full feel of those words.
"Right. I mean... If people don't like you then screw them. If they like some made-up loser, then doesn't that suck more?" Sean shrugged. "Or something."
Liberty nodded her head, seeming to be making up her mind about something.
"Emma was here earlier with Chris," she finally said. "If you weren't busy being a juvenile delinquent you would have caught her for yourself."
Sean scoffed. "Are you trying to rub it in?"
"No," Liberty said sincerely. "I'm trying to tell you that her bag is sitting over there in that corner."
"What?" Sean's head turned slowly to look at the corner of the room Liberty was pointing towards and saw for himself that her book bag was laying on one of the tables. Sean turned back to Liberty and raised his eyebrows. "So?"
"Do I need to spell it out for you?" Liberty rolled her eyes. "She left it here. Maybe someone, after they finish working on their project, should bring it to her."
Sean suddenly saw Liberty in a new light. "You're alright, Van Zandt."
xXx
There had been a time when having a pair of Emma's friends over, like Manny and JT, would be almost routine for any afternoon. Now, it had been months since more than one of Emma's friends had been over and a long time passed since those lazy afternoon's of television and pizza.
There was pizza now, but the carefree nature of those afternoons was absent. Even as they maintained a jovial atmosphere the reason Craig and Manny were there was much more serious.
Manny and Craig stood over a cooing Jack, both smiling.
"He's so gorgeous," Craig whispered in wonder, as he leaned in closer to Jack.
"Yeah, he's like an angel," Manny agreed, smiling.
Emma smiled at the two, heading to the bookshelf and grabbing the 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' book before heading over to Manny. "Look, this is baby Maude right now. So tiny, huh?"
Manny tried to smile, saying lightly, "Don't call 'em that."
Craig looked up from baby Jack to the front of the book where a woman late in the stages of pregnancy was shown. "I can't believe you're going to get that huge."
Manny took the book out of Emma's hand and closed it so she could see the front, making a face that displayed she couldn't believe she was going to get that huge either.
Emma went to say something else but was cut off by the doorbell. She took the book back out of Manny's hands and laid it on the table. As she began to head to the front door Jack began to cry. It was a loud piercing sound that had both Manny and Craig looking at the baby as though it was a space alien that had come to take over the planet.
Emma moved over to Jack, grabbing the powder off of the table. "I'm thinking he probably needs to be changed."
"Well, you go answer the door. Me and Manny can handle this," Craig volunteered, smiling enthusiastically.
Manny didn't look so sure as she nodded in agreement with Craig.
"Are you really sure?" Emma asked, not wanting to leave Jack in inadequate care for even a minute. This was the brother that cemented the nuclear family she never believed she would have.
"Babies aren't exactly rocket science," Craig proclaimed, laughing as he looked down at the crying baby Jack.
"Well, then, you handle the little piece of cake...Dad," Emma suggested, handing him the baby powder. Emma then headed out of the kitchen and towards the door, grabbing the baby monitor on the way.
When she swung open the door she wasn't sure why she was so surprised to find Sean on the other side. It was becoming commonplace to have him show up at her house looking for something to fix.
"Sean," Emma said, rolling her eyes. "Look, we're like out of broken appliances and furniture. And considering my mom's not home, you're not getting inside my house."
Sean sighed. "I'm not here to fix anything."
"So, what are you doing here? I'm busy. And we don't hang out."
Sean ignored the last part. "Babysitting?"
Just then noise filtered in over the intercom and Emma brought it up to her ear.
"Eww! I'm not touching that!"
"You have to wipe it!"
"But, i-it's green!"
Sean's eyebrows shot up. "What the hell is that?"
Emma smiled genuinely, causing Sean's stomach to do a flip-flop. "Parents in training."
"Manny and Craig?" Sean guessed.
"Yup. They're inside changing baby Jack."
Sean laughed slightly, backing away a step as noise continued to filter out from the monitor. "Oh, loads of fun." Sean held up a black backpack, one that Emma instantly recognized as her own. "Found this in the library. Figured you might need it or something."
"My backpack! I didn't even notice I had left it." Emma smiled happily, taking it out of his hand. She hesitated a second, then finally said, "Sean... thanks."
Sean shrugged. "Whatever. No biggie."
Emma began to say something but was interrupted by the blare of the car horn as her mother pulled into the driveway.
Sean nodded as he began to head away from her. "I'll see you in school, Em."
"Yeah. I'll see you in school."
Sean stopped as Spike came out of the car to stand near Emma and Sean, smiling happily.
"Hey, Sean! " Spike looked around then frowned. "Emma, where's Jack?"
"With Manny and Craig," Emma answered simply.
Spike raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything as she continued on her way inside. She stopped at the door and turned around to give a smile toward Sean. "Why don't you come in, Sean? I'm sure Emma would love to have you! Wouldn't you Emma?"
Emma eyes went wide in disbelief. I know my mother isn't that dense, she thought in annoyance. She tried to signal her mother with her eyes but Spike simply kept smiling.
Finally, through clenched teeth Emma said, "Yes, that would be great!" Emma headed toward the door, past her mother and Sean. Underneath her breath she mumbled, "Cause I just love it when my ex-boyfriend once again comes into my house, eats my food, drives me up a wall, and makes nice with my family. It is always the highlight of my long, miserable day."
xXx
Manny and Craig headed home, baby powder smeared and defeated, not long after Spike came in from outside and found them looking in puzzlement at the naked bottomed Jack. A diaper was clutched in Craig's hand and a pile of other rumpled ones sat on the counter beside Jack.
After they had left, Spike had commented to Sean and Emma about the difficult road the two had for them in having the child. She had then looked at Emma and began talking about how it had been worth it to her, causing Emma's face to turn an unflattering shade of pink.
"I'd say it was worth it, too," Sean had thrown in off the collar, looking at Emma meaningfully with a half grin.
Emma's mother, the traitor, had laughed at Sean and smiled adoringly. It's that damn smile, Emma had thought with conviction. It's, like, voodoo or something. It even makes old people like my mother gaga.
It was getting closer to dinner by that time and Spike had begun to look at the clock every few minutes, even though she tried to conceal it.
"Mom, you can go see Snake in the hospital. I know you want to," Emma had finally said.
"You'd have to watch baby Jack and that wouldn't be fair to you, Em. I'm sure you have some schoolwork you have to get to."
"Yeah," Emma agreed slightly. "But Jack is sleeping right now and Snake needs all the support he can get. Go. Snake's more important," Emma finished decisively.
That's when Sean had jumped in with, "I can help her, Mrs. Nelson. She can get schoolwork done that way."
"Oh, Sean! That's so sweet!" her mother had gushed.
Emma had rolled her eyes, figuring her mother was five seconds away from pinching Sean's cheeks and going, "Aww, you're so cute."
Sean didn't say anything, merely shrugged. He felt uncomfortable being lavished with compliments from Mrs. Nelson, considering what he did. He glanced at Emma to see she was less than pleased about the situation, but he also knew she wouldn't say anything. If nothing else, Emma could be very self-sacrificing when there was the need.
Within five minutes Spike was out the door and heading to the hospital, leaving the former couple alone in the house with a sleeping Jack.
xXx
Emma trudged into the kitchen early the next morning, mumbling out a good morning to her mother. Emma pulled out a seat at the kitchen table and sat down, rubbing a hand over the bags in her eyes. Would she ever sleep a full night again?
Spike smiled at her from across the table, pouring Emma a glass of orange juice. "Good morning, sweetheart."
Emma grunted at her mother's perky demeanor, nodding a thanks for the orange juice.
"I meant to ask you last night. How did babysitting Jack go? Was Sean a big help?"
"It was fine," Emma said, not inviting further conversation on the topic. Instead her mind lapsed into thought.
The previous night had been surreal in many ways. The two of them had kept a careful amount of distance between them, despite Sean's attempts to reconcile that fact. Yet, there was no longer that thread of hostility between them. Or an underlying vibe that they were emotionally miles away from each other.
That very fact had kept Emma on the edge for the entire three hours her mother had been at the hospital with Snake. When Sean asked her a question, she would answer in a clipped tone. If he tried to start a conversation, she'd end it with a word or two. They had eventually ended up sitting on the couch watching television. Sleeping Jack was situated between them in his carrier, acting as some type of barrier.
Nearly an hour after Emma's mother had left she had gotten up to go to the bathroom, figuring there was no harm in leaving Sean with a sleeping Jack. She had been washing her hands in the bathroom when she heard the beginnings of baby crying. She had proceeded to hurry up, knowing Sean had to have been falling apart, but midway back to the living room the crying had stopped.
When she entered the living room Sean didn't even notice. He was still sitting on the couch but now Jack was cradled in his arms and his focus was on making silly faces she wouldn't have believed he even knew how to make in the first place. Jack was happily cooing at him, completely content. She wasn't sure how long she had stood there, watching him. The scene she had quietly intruded upon had stirred something deep inside of her. How could he really be so terrible when he could be so sweet?
A floor board must have creaked underneath her foot, though Emma couldn't be sure. But Sean suddenly stopped and turned to look up at her in the door way. Emma smiled warmly, unable to put aside the strange swirling of emotions she was feeling towards him.
Sean smiled back at her, a genuine smile that made Emma's heart leap.
The moment was spoiled a second later when a no longer content Jack let out a loud cry into the air. Emma walked over and picked Jack up, keeping her face carefully averted from Sean. When Jack had quieted down Sean had made good on his word, sitting there on the couch with him while Emma worked on her homework.
Emma's mind had replayed that moment of smile to smile over and over again like a broken record that night when she had tried to get to sleep. Now, sitting at the kitchen table Emma was increasingly becoming aware of one thing, and one thing only: she was heading straight towards getting her heart shattered into a million pieces again.
And that would never do.
xXx
As Sean got ready for school that morning, only a few blocks away from Emma's own home, he couldn't help but be in a good mood. Why wouldn't he be? After nearly two weeks of following Emma around and trying to get some where with her he felt like he was finally making progressive. All yesterday she might not have been Queen Sunshine to him, but she hadn't looked like she was plotting his death during her every waking moment anymore either.
Emma is slowly coming around, he kept telling myself. Soon she'll forgive me completely and we can get back to being Sean and Emma.
Sean knew that had to happen. He had his heart set on it.
xXx
Emma was enjoying perhaps her first quiet lunch in weeks. Maybe it was because she had sequestered herself in the hallway in front of her locker, but either way she was thankful for the break from all the noise, clamor and drama of the lunchroom. There were no uproarious students around her busy gossiping or shooting her questioning glances. There were no well-meaning friends trying to figure out exactly what had been going on in her head recently.
More importantly, there was no Sean sending her puppy dog eyes from beneath the hood of his ski cap. Emma preferred it that way. When he was there, looking at her as though she was something more than she thought she could ever be, she couldn't think straight. Suddenly her stomach would be filled with butterflies and the entire world would tunnel until it centered on nothing but him. Until she wanted to do nothing but forgive him.
Yet, when she was away from him she could think clearly. She knew she didn't want to forgive him then. She knew that he was the scum of the earth and she would have to be a moron to take him back. She also didn't find herself lying to her principle and getting Saturday detentions.
Yes, it was much better this way.
"I was wondering where you were." Emma closed her eyes, looking up to find Sean's blue eyes looking down at her. "Camping out away from society, Emma?"
Emma outwardly groaned even as her betraying heart sped up as she peered into the pools of blue. Emma looked away quickly, fixing her gaze on the lockers across from her.
Sean walked around to her left and slid down till he was sitting next to her. Emma skittered away from him an inch, trying to put as much space as possible between her and the person that was putting her entire being into a tailspin.
"So, you ignored me during homeroom. You blew me off during every class we've had together. Now, more of the cold shoulder. I thought maybe..."
"You thought wrong, " Emma bit out, not looking up from her sandwich. Inside a part of her was screaming, right, right, right. She told that part to shut up.
Sean made no move to leave at her words, even though he looked hurt. Emma hated to admit it but she was beginning to admire his stubborn refusal. It was five more minutes until he spoke again.
"We used to do this a lot," Sean said softly. "You know, hangout here in the hallways during lunch. Just the two of us."
Emma couldn't help but think briefly of all those moments, ones where it had been just them in their own world. With resolve she slammed the mental door shut on the barrage of memories. "Yeah. Use to probably being the key words there."
"You know, I don't understand why you make it seem like it's an effort to be civil," Sean said, some of his frustration coming through in his voice.
"Maybe because it is an effort to be civil towards you. Why? Is it an issue for you? Because if it is, you're more than welcome to just, oh I don't know, leave. "
"But I enjoy your company. You know, all of the loveliness that is our encounters together." Sean did an almost charming half grin. "You weren't so awful yesterday. Would it kill you to be halfway nice to me?"
Emma rolled her eyes. "You know, it just might."
"Lets skip out on what I did in the past. I screwed up. I admit it. But, I've been more than there recently."
"You're absolutely right. You've been completely there." Under her breath Emma mumbled, "All of these ten days."
"Okay." Sean chose to ignore the sarcastic tone and the mumbled words. "Then why is it such a hassle for you?"
Emma pushed her sandwich aside and turned to look at Sean head on. "Let me make a list for you of the wonderfulness you have brought into my life within a little over a week. You've cost me one potential boyfriend-"
"He was lame. Between you and me, I'd say you're better off."
Emma ignored him and continued as if he hadn't interrupted. "You got me a Saturday detention-"
"You did that all on your own." Sean responded flippantly. "Protecting me! Kind of sexy. Who knew you had a bad girl streak in you."
"And now you're trying to drive me insane!" Emma finished.
"Why would I try to drive you insane when you're so much fun sane."
Emma made a face. "Ha. Funny." Emma smiled deceptively. "How's working with Liberty? Did you kill her yet? Cause, I know it kills you to keep your temper for more than a second. "
"See. You're lots of fun."
"Sean," Emma started with a sigh, "is there a reason why you always sit with me at lunch? Couldn't you, like, sit with your loser wannabe gangster friends?"
Sean looked at her like she was insane. "Did you miss the part where they cast me out?"
Emma shrugged, taking a bite of her sandwich. "Did you miss the part where I don't care?"
"Right. You don't care." Sean stood up, shaking his head. "Cause that's exactly what it looks like to me."
"Wow, you're actually starting to get the picture." Emma ignored the flash of hurt she saw pass across Sean face's before it clouded over with anger.
"You know what, Emma," Sean irately said, throwing up his hands. "Screw this."
Emma watched as Sean turned around and started walking away from her, ignoring the stab of sadness that hit her. You want him gone, Emma. You want him gone, she said to herself.
Sean was half a hallway away from her when he suddenly turned around and headed back her way. Emma felt something close to relief pass over her even as her face filled with annoyance.
Sean stopped in front of her, his eyes blazing with pent up emotion. Extending a hand out he waited until Emma confusedly put her own in his then yanked her up unceremoniously. He only held on long enough to make sure she had her balance, then he let go as though her flesh burned him.
"Sean, what---"
Sean held up a finger for her to stop, gritting his teeth. He didn't say anything, merely kept his now icy blue eyes on her brown ones. Just when she was sure he was merely going to stand there, his eyes bearing into her own, he finally started speaking.
"Just so we're both really clear here this whole following you around and bending over backwards to get you to even throw a friendly glance my way? It really isn't my thing. Maybe Sharpe doesn't mind being your pathetic puppy dog, but I do. So, before you go thinking I'm going to trail after your ass until you're good and ready to even think about giving me another chance, here's a newsflash: I'm not going to apologize forever. So stop frickin' expecting me to."
Emma sat there, her mouth hanging open, as Sean angrily walked down the hallway.
xXx
"Mom?" Emma said tentatively as she opened the door to her mother's room. There was no answer so Emma just walked in. Coming into the room she saw that her mother was seated on the bed with dozens of pictures strewn across the blanket. A reminiscent smile played at her lips and her eyes sparkled. Jack was laying in his crib, sleeping soundly.
Spike slowly moved her eyes from the photo she was holding to Emma. Spike laughed, holding up a picture from her wedding to Snake. "That was a good day."
Emma gave a weak smile, nodding as her own memories swarmed around her. "Yeah, it was."
Spike looked more closely at her daughter, a frown beginning to form. "Em, is there something wrong?"
Emma walked over to the bed and carefully sat down on the edge, making sure not to sit on any of the pictures. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
"I'm fine, Emma. I don't need you worrying about me."
"When are you going to see Snake?"
"Later tonight."
Emma's breathing became erratic as a picture caught her eye. It was one of her and Sean dancing together, sometime after their kiss. She hadn't even been aware someone had taken pictures of them at the wedding. Slowly she picked up the picture, holding it in her hands.
"Something you want to talk about, Em?"
Emma shrugged, suddenly putting the picture down as though it had been burning her hands. "Its not important."
"I think it must be."
"Lay in the bed you make, right?"
"Huh?"
"Nothing, "Emma said, then changed her mind. "Why are you always inviting him in?"
Confusion passed over Spike's face. "Who?"
"The jolly green giant," Emma sarcastically replied. "Sean!"
"I like Sean. He's had it hard but he's a good kid. And, he obviously cares very much for you."
"Mom, that good kid is a convict in training, okay. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. He's like a complete delinquent. Give him a 'Hell's Angel' tattoo and his transformation to big jerk would be complete."
"You didn't always think he was so bad."
"Hello! I'm a stupid, fifteen year old girl."
"Emma... You're not stupid. You're very smart. Too smart, sometimes."
"Huh?"
"You're always trying to listen to your head when you should be trying to listen to your heart."
"I can't believe this! My Mom, my Mom, is on my ex-boyfriend's side."
"I'm on your side, Em. Always. But, I'm the last person that should condemn someone for the..." her mother searched for the correct word, "irresponsible choices that they make. Especially when they try and make amends or put things right. People deserve a chance. Sometimes, you just need to run on blind faith."
"And you think...that he's a good guy?"
"I think that he wants to be a good guy more than he wants to be a bad guy."
Emma stood up and went to go but stopped, looking at her mom. Then compulsively she grabbed her mom in a hug.
Spike was at first surprised but then returned the hug just as forcefully. She jokingly said, "What do you want?"
Emma just held her a little tighter. "I love you, Mom."
"I love you, too."
The sound of the doorbell rang through the house, shattering the moment.
Emma pulled away and put a kiss on her mother's cheek before heading out the room to go downstairs and answer the door. When she swung open the door she wasn't surprised to find Manny staring back at her. What did surprise her was the look of relief on Manny's face.
"Manny."
"Emma. Hey. Is your Mom here?"
"Yeah. She's heading off to see Snake in a bit but..."
"Can I..." Emma stepped out of the way, letting Manny brush past her.
Emma shut the door and followed Manny into the living room. Walking in she found Manny sitting on the couch, her entire posture displaying her relief.
"Good news?" Emma asked, settling herself on the chair across from Manny.
"Like the best. I told my mom and she didn't freak out like I thought she would." Manny smiled off distantly, remembering something fondly. "She was actually pretty cool."
"What a huge relief!"
"Yeah, I didn't think I could do it. But then it was just like out there. And you know what, she's even driving me."
Emma felt the air still and a chill go up her back, though she couldn't have said why. "Driving you where?" she said slowly, not sure whether she wanted the answer.
"To the clinic. I'm getting an abortion."
Emma stood up, not quite believing what she was hearing. "Manny, you can't. You can't get an abortion!"
Manny shook her head, also standing up. "Look, I know you think its wrong. I'm just trying... trying to do what's right for everyone. For myself."
Emma turned away in disgust, walking out of the living room with Manny trailing behind her. She found herself in the kitchen, standing in front of the sink. She leaned her palms against the cool silver and closed her eyes, trying to process what Manny was saying to her.
"Emma, please... You have to understand," Manny begged, coming to stand beside Emma.
Emma turned to her with eyes blazing. "Understand?" Emma shook her head, backing away a step. How could she understand? If her Mom had gotten an abortion... "My Mom will be down in a minute."
A few days ago, Emma and Manny were slowly working their way to a solid friendship again. Emma had believed they could work out their differences and move past everything. As Emma moved past Manny, Emma couldn't stop thinking of how very wrong she had been.
xXx
Sean didn't like much about home most of the time. It was either trashed, empty, or bustling with Tracker's lame friends. Mostly he just put up with it because it was better than being in Wasaga Beach with his drunken parents. But sometimes, he didn't mind it so much. Especially at times when he could sit outside with his brother and actually feel like he had some form of family that cared.
Tracker shoveled in some spaghetti and swallowed it before saying to Sean, "The girl with the big mouth, you've been spending a lot of time at her place. So, you two back together again or what?"
"Or what," Sean responded nonchalantly, making a show at staying focused on his plate. "I've been fixing some things around the house."
"Playing handyman, little brother?" Sean didn't need to look up to see the smirk on his brother's face.
Sean bristled defensively. "Her stepdad's sick and her mom needs---"
"Whoa!" Tracker held his hand up, pointing the fork in Sean's direction. "I didn't say it was a bad thing. That snarky little red head was a bitch. Leading you down a jagged road, and it wasn't by your head. But that blonde...she always was good for you."
Sean scoffed. "Maybe you should tell that to her." A voice said, I thought you already went over this? You don't tell Emma anything.
"Oh, so that's how it is, huh?" Tracker laughed in amusement. "Some things never change. You're chasing after the little do-gooder again and she's giving you the cold shoulder?"
"It's not funny," Sean said in frustration. Then he stubbornly added, "And I'm not chasing after her anymore."
"Why's that?"
"She pissed me off, okay? Can we just leave it at that? She always finds some way to piss me off...It's like on her list of hobbies. Save a tree, lobby for animal rights... Piss off Sean."
"Yeah, so the blonde pisses you off. What's new?" Tracker shrugged. "You'll get over it. Like always."
"No. No. Look, she thinks I'm just going to keep following her around, fixing her parents' shit."
"Hey! Watch your mouth," Tracker said in his best parent voice, which wasn't saying much.
If Sean hadn't been busy being angry at Emma, he might have laughed at Tracker's attempt at being a parent. "Whatever. I'm done."
"So, you're done with the chick?"
"Yes! Were you listening? And you know, Tracker, she does have a name." Sean sighed. "It's Emma."
"I know she has a name." Tracker looked at his brother knowingly, understanding something Sean seemed to be missing. Then, he shook his head and laughed. "It's Emma," he mocked.
"Funny." Sean pushed Tracker's shoulder as he stood up, heading back inside.
As the door swung closed behind him he grunted in frustration. When he got into the kitchen, he put his plate in the sink. Barely above a whisper, he said to himself, "It's Emma."
Then, he slammed his fist into the wall.
xXx
The next morning in homeroom Sean sat in a seat on the other side of the room from where Emma was, even though there was an empty seat beside her. Usually when he wasn't sitting beside her he was throwing glances her way, but he didn't turn around once.
This time it was Emma who didn't take her eyes off of him, taking the time to notice all the miniscule details she hadn't been aware of before. Emma smiled a bit at the way he couldn't seem to fully sit still. He kept shifting in his seat every few minutes and his foot constantly seemed to be tapping against the floor.
Maybe he isn't so unaffected. Not that I want him to be affected or something, Emma thought to herself
Sean's pencil rolled off the desk, clicking on the floor. As he reached his hand down to pick it up Emma just barely stifled a gasp. His hand was bruised in spots with jagged cuts on the knuckles, one small slip of cloth wrapped around the middle of his palm. Small blotches of red bled through the white cloth.
For the duration of homeroom Emma didn't take her eyes off of him, waiting for the barest glance of his battered hand. She started concocting in her head the strangest reasons why his hand could appear the way it did, her mind flooding with possibilities. Even worse, though, was the part of her that wanted to go over and make sure it was bandaged correctly. The piece of her that wanted to kiss and make it better.
When homeroom concluded at the sound of the bell Sean raced out of the room, leaving Emma following behind him. She saw him through a pile of students in the hall and pushed her way through the crowd. She finally caught up to him, grabbing his shoulder and spinning him around to face her.
Sean sighed loudly, the side of his mouth twitching. "What?"
Emma nearly flinched at his tone but stood her ground. Gesturing towards his hand she asked, "What happened?"
Sean shot an icy glare at someone who shoved past him before shrugging. "Like you care, right?"
Emma nearly said something sarcastic, something mean, but bit her tongue. She wasn't even sure why but she found herself saying, "You know I do."
Sean's face relaxed noticeably as her words sunk in, the lines around his mouth and eyes becoming less rigid. His voice was softer than it had been before, even if the words were still biting. "Trust me, you wouldn't approve."
"Did it have something to do with Jay? Are you---"
"No!" The hard tone was back, stronger than ever. The pupils of his eyes darted wildly. "Why is it you're always the first to think the worst about me?"
"Maybe because I used to always be the first and the last person to give you the benefit of the doubt," Emma said without thinking.
Her quiet words seemed to drain the anger out of Sean as quickly as it had come. The hallway had nearly emptied now but they didn't notice. The words hung in the air between them but neither made a move to start heading to their first class. They just stood there staring at each other.
Emma knew she should have just turned away and left, onto her next class and away from him. Instead she reached out her own hand and touched his injured one gently. "What happened, Sean?"
"What always happens, right?" Sean said self-effacingly. "I lost control. Put my fist through a wall."
Emma eyes went wide in disbelief. "You put your fist through a wall? Like, an actual wall?"
Sean made a face, embarrassed. "Well, no. I tried. But, I think the wall won."
"Oh," Emma said, dumbfounded. "Why?"
Sean shrugged, but his eyes betrayed him. They seemed to scream at Emma, Why do you think?
Emma felt a sudden wave of feeling for him, so hard and so deep it nearly physically shook her body. She compulsively rubbed her fingers softly across one of his knuckles.
Sean jumped back, pulling his hand away. "You can't keep doing this," he whispered out gruffly, backing up from her more.
Emma was confused. How was she doing anything to him? He was the one following her around and driving her up a wall till she didn't which way was up or down. "Doing what? What am I doing?"
"This!" Sean said vehemently, his eyes tormented. "I have feelings, you know! You can't just keep screwing with them!"
"I'm not---"
"I know it's not on purpose," Sean said more evenly, "but it's still not fair!" The bell rang and Sean's shoulders sagged, showing his internal defeat. As he began walking past her he said, "I'm late. I gotta go."
Emma turned and watched him walked away. "Sean?" Sean stopped but didn't turn around. "I'm sorry. For like, you know..."
Sean turned to look at her over his shoulder, a ghost of a smile flittering across his lips. He nearly cursed himself for being so easily undone. "You're sorry?"
Emma shrugged and began walking toward him. "We have to get to class. We're both completely late."
Sean's eyes were locked on her as she came up to stand beside him, giving him a simple smile. "Yeah."
The two walked to class, side by side.
xXx
It was after school and Sean Cameron had many things on his mind. Namely, the many bipolar shades of Emma and what exactly it meant for him. The only thing he wanted to do was head home and think everything over. The last thing Sean wanted to do was run into a blazing confrontation, but turning the corner he ran headlong into whatever was going on between Craig and Manny. Suddenly Emma dashed in seemingly out of nowhere, standing in between Craig and Manny.
"Craig!" she said forcefully.
Craig's face twisted up and he shook his hand at Emma. "You-You butt out!" Craig turned back to Manny, pain written very clearly across his face. "What she's doing is wrong!"
"I agree with you, okay! If she was just some stranger I would be furious with her.
But she's my friend." The last words came out stilted but strong. "And it's her choice."
Sean wasn't the only one who had been surprised when he had heard the words come out of her mouth. Manny looked like her eyes would fall out of her head.
"But it's my baby!" Craig whispered, anguished.
"And Manny's body. What about her?" Emma argued back.
"I just...I can't," Manny said, her eyes tortured. As Craig walked away, shattered, Manny turned to Emma, broken but grateful. "T-Thank you."
Emma didn't look at Sean or Manny. Instead she walked right past, heading down the hall with a dazed expression on her face.
xXx
Sean rushed out after her, finally catching up to her outside of the school. She had looked so lost and forlorn when she had walked away that it had nearly stung him. Emma was strong and confident. She wasn't easily shaken or cut down.
"Emma!"
Emma kept on walking, her back ramrod straight. Sean wasn't even sure if she had heard him.
"Emma!" Sean said more forcefully, loudly.
Emma finally stopped , turning around. "What? What do you want?"
"Are you okay?"
His words had a transformative effect on Emma. They were genuine and softly spoken. Sean actually cared and it was written all over his face as he gazed at her. It touched her, reaching inside of her and draining away her surface defenses momentarily.
"Okay?" she asked carefully.
"Yeah." Sean touched her shoulder gently, his thumb moving in small circles. "Are you, Em? You looked a bit dazed back there."
Emma sat down on the bench slowly, as if the movement took effort. Sean moved to sit besides her, letting his backpack drop to the ground carelessly. A couple seconds later words, unstoppable ones, began to pour out of Emma. "My Mom had me when she was Manny's age, you know? I don't know if she thought twice about it. I...don't think I really want to know. All that matters is...She chose me." Emma smiled in the way one only can when they've stumbled upon some perception altering realization. "I'm not sure I ever really understood that until recently."
Sean didn't know what to say so he instead opted to remain silent, instead allowing his hand to softly rest on top of Emma's own. It was the only comfort he could give, would be allowed to give, and Emma accepted it. She didn't mind the quiet, liking the hum of the outside as she sat next to him. His presence was enough. Some how it made her feel safe and secure, just that small gesture of his hand on her own.
This feels right, she thought suddenly as her thoughts of everything else washed away.
Emma pulled her hand from under his and stood up, hating where her thoughts seemed to always be leading her. "I'm heading home." She shook her head, seemingly to herself. "I'll...Yeah."
"I'll see you tomorrow at detention," Sean mumbled to himself, his eyes unreadable.
Emma began to walk away, her thoughts all circling back to her. She was bombarded with thoughts of Manny, her Mom, and then inevitably Snake. Emma felt a small chill go through her.
Emma stopped walking, turning around. Just as suddenly as the need to be alone had come, she wasn't quiet ready to be alone with her thoughts. "Sean?"
"Yeah?"
This is wrong, the thought bled through the new noise in her mind. Emma knew it. She was aware that her life was such a mess, she was such a mess, that she allowed herself to bounce Sean up and down like a yo-yo. There was so much going on that she was treating Sean the way she was treating everything else...
Moment to moment. That was all she had to offer.
He looked at her full of subdued hope. He was there with her, in that span of time. Whatever she had to offer him, whatever she was willing to give, he was game.
Emma gave him a small smile, allowing herself this one thing. Letting her heart speak to her. "Walk me home."
Sean nodded his head. "I can do that."
As they walked Emma had to smile at the way Sean moved so that Emma was tucked on the inside of the sidewalk. He kept a careful, respectful distance from her that was in contrast to just a few months earlier. She remembered the feel of her palm gently nestled inside his and the way it felt to have his shoulder brush against hers as they walked.
They had been together then, now they were struggling. Fighting against, for, and with each other to the point where they were both lost and confused. The only difference being that Sean was willing to try again, Emma was too afraid to.
Halfway to her house Emma resolutely closed the door on the negative thoughts. They could come again later, when he was gone and she was alone with nothing but the past to hold her in its grip.
Yes, she would have this moment and this small piece of him for herself. She wouldn't allow herself him. There was too much risk and too little guarantee there. But she would take this and keep it with her. She reached between them and took his hand in her own, entwining there fingers together. Sean jumped in surprise but then responded back, his hand giving her own a light squeeze. As they walked Emma felt the long abandoned, but familiar, brush of his shoulder against hers and she smiled.
When they reached Emma's house, fear seemed to have worked it's way into her eyes. One moment, one small piece of him. She had allowed herself that but she couldn't allow herself anymore. "Sean?"
"Yeah?"
"This has to stop," she said resolutely, her gaze nearly unreadable. Her smaller hand gently pulled away from his own, dropping by her side to hang there stiffly.
"What?" Sean wasn't sure what she meant, but his heart had a pretty good idea because it slammed to a stop. "Emma..."
"You following me around, trying to get me to forgive you. To take you back. To like, be something we can't be." Her eyes were sorry, letting him know she was regretful. That she wanted one moment to last forever, that she wished her mind could ultimately lose the war with her heart. Her mind was more powerful, though. It remembered the bad with the good, it was more sensible Emma reasoned.
Biting her lip, Emma continued. "I'm leading you on because I'm really confused. Because I want something I can't have. Not anymore. I'm sorry if I hurt you, Sean."
Sean's eyes looked disbelieving. "Em---"
"But I can't get hurt again, Sean! I can't! I won't." Emma sounded nearly desperate.
"I'm not going to hurt you!" Sean's eyes pleaded with her to believe him, to trust in him.
Emma stood there, the amount of time that passed by getting lost to her. She wanted to believe him. Almost more than anything in the world she wanted to believe him. But too much stood between them. Too much said or unsaid, and it couldn't be taken back. Even worse, more than she wanted to believe him she knew she didn't ever want to feel the way she had months ago when he had broken her heart.
There it was, the grand finale of her internal war. Final result: Mind.
Emma gritted her teeth to keep the tears threatening to spill at bay. She walked passed him toward her door. Before slipping inside she said, so softly he almost couldn't hear her, "All you've ever done is hurt me."
xXx
Sean took a drink of his soda, momentarily thinking about how flat the taste was. About how he was pretty sure the taste had nothing to do with the soda.
Nice Cameron, Sean thought derisively. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself...
The metal of the bench Sean was sitting on was cold against his back, but Sean liked the feel of it. The shudders it caused, the physical discomfort it brought him, was strangely consoling when held up against him mental discomfort.
The street itself, a small and mostly abandoned road that veered off the one he lived on, was quiet for the most part, too. With all the time that left for uninterrupted thought Sean wasn't sure whether this was good or bad.
All you've ever done is hurt me....
The words kept slamming into Sean's head, a torturous litany brought on by his own insecurity. Maybe she was right. Perhaps all he ever had done was hurt her, in so many different ways. That could just be what he would end up doing again.
History repeats itself, right?
Sean would rather lose her permanently than risk putting her through more pain. He had been responsible for enough of her tears, he didn't want to be responsible for any more of it. It might be best for him to just walk away, for her sake.
"Deep thoughts?" he heard a voice say.
He turned up to see Craig, his face ashen and a look of internal sickness playing across his face. Craig had said the words flippantly but his entire body spoke volumes of his true feelings.
I can't blame him for being a mess, Sean thought Out loud he said, "You stalkin' me?"
"Tracker said I could find you here," Craig said dully, sitting down on the bench next to Sean. He jumped up a bit as he felt the cold steel but then sighed deeply and sat back, a frown on his face.
"You okay?" Sean asked tepidly after a beat.
Craig considered the question. "Define okay."
"You gonna go jumping in front of any trains tonight?" Sean responded, drawing back on that long ago instance.
"I'll try to resist the urge." Then Craig added, "No promises, though."
"You're not really gonna get all suicidal on me, are you?" Sean asked, jokingly.
Maybe others would pity and baby Craig right now, offering him up words of comfort. But Sean knew better than them. Craig didn't need to be babied or told everything would be okay. Sean and Craig both knew that life didn't automatically work that way. It was screwy and if you got caught in the crossfire, you'd end up with a burned hand.
"Nah, man. I'm not going to get 'all suicidal' on you," Craig said.
"Life bites," Sean mumbled, pulling his ski cap off as he did and putting it down on the bench.
"I think... That's an understatement."
Sean nodded in agreement.
The two didn't have much more to say to each other after that. They didn't have much to say to begin with, too many scars sealing them up from the inside out. But they stayed for hours there on that bench, not minding the cold or the stiff feel of the metal bench beneath them.
Their thoughts stayed hidden from the other, locked away in their own minds. They didn't need someone to listen and tell them everything was going to be okay. They needed someone to be there, to understand.
In the cold breeze of that late afternoon, they offered each other silent understanding and support.
xXx
Emma rolled over again, flopping the blanket around and rearranging her pillow with a frustrated groan. Squinting through the dark she saw the bright red letters on her clock read 2:48.
"I have shop."
There was a deep, sharp pain that she tried to shrug off but something must have shown on her face.
"Emma---"
Emma closed off her emotions. "No. It's fine. Whatever."
Emma tried to stem the flow of the memory and sat up, bringing her pillow with her as she did and throwing it across the room. She heard it bang as it landed on top of her dresser, sending some of her things tumbling backward.
The house fell back into the overwhelming hush it had been consumed in minutes before as everything on her dresser settled. The black of the lightless room created a sort of stage for her memories, once again causing her to fall back to the thoughts that had been keeping her sleepless all night. Back to the memory of another sleepless night.
Emma sat on her bed, resting for what felt like the first time that day. So much has happened, she had thought. She was so tired and yet she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. And she wished, just wished, that there was someone she could talk to.
Just then the phone rang and Emma jumped, her eyes going wide. She picked it up, "Hello?"
"Emma," she heard a slightly muffled voice say.
Emma nearly smiled. "Sean."
"I just wanted to...you know. For earlier." Apologizing did not come easy to Sean Cameron. "I should have gone with you. I've thought about it a lot and I should have been there."
Emma didn't say anything and a minute later Sean sighed.
"I'll call you later."
Just when she was sure he was going to put down the phone she forced herself to speak. "Sean?"
"Yeah?" He sounded both relieved and anxious.
Emma tried but she couldn't get another word out past the lump in her throat. Emma had believed she couldn't cry anymore. That the vast down pouring of tears was used up. She was wrong. The next sentence was jumbled and muffled. "I...and he...and my mom...s-she lied...it is...so messed up...and I..."
"Whoa! Emma, slow down. I don't understand what you're..."
"I-I.." Emma bit her lip, hating how pathetic she was being. "I-I have to go." She didn't wait for his response, simply slammed the phone down on the receiver. With a shaky breath she laid down on her bed. The room seemed colder and she curled into a ball, crying into her pillow.
She was so wrapped up in her own world she didn't hear the basement window open or the footsteps as someone approached her bed. But she jumped when she felt the dipping of the weight on her bed. Emma's head shot up, coming straight into contact with the shrouded face of her boyfriend.
"Sean?"
Sean looked a little embarrassed. "You sounded really upset. I just figured I should come over. Save you from a meltdown or something." His words sounded casual but his eyes flashed genuine concern for her.
Emma moved to the end of the bed where he was, slipping in next to him. She watched the floor, how her legs dangled off the end. How much smaller they looked next to his own.
Sensing her need to not be completely suffocated at that moment Sean forewent taking her into his arms, instead reaching out a hand to hold her smaller one in his.
"Emma..."Her name was something between a sigh and a revered prayer. He leaned his forehead against her for a second before pulling back. Emma shook her head slightly and then moved forward again, brushing her lips against his own. Sean gave into one more kiss before pulling away and turning his face to the side.
Emma was confused. "What? Sean!"
"I don't think this is a good idea. Not tonight."
"Nice. For once I want to make out, but you aren't thinking about it."
"I'm thinking about you."
Emma nearly smiled as Sean looked like he would choke on his already spoken words. She reached out, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek before resting her head on his shoulder. His arm came up to wrap around her as the tears began to fall again.
He stayed until there were no more tears.
Looking back, Emma wasn't sure she would have gotten through that night without him. Emma laughed to herself. That had been one of the few times she was glad her boyfriend was a bit of a juvenile delinquent. Emma frowned. Well, at that time he had been a bit of a juvenile delinquent. Now he was a full on criminal in the making.
A sweet, supportive criminal in the making who had walked over to her house in the middle of the night to help her work through her massive breakdown.
Emma sat there for another couple of minutes, her thoughts resting of Sean.
This sucks, Emma thought as she threw her blanket off of her. She shivered a little as her toes touched the cold basement floor, pulling on her pink slippers to help keep her feet warm.
She moved across her the floor of her room toward her closest, heavy thoughts and the stir of yesterday filtering through her mind. With slightly shaking hands she opened her closest door and pulled out a heavy gray shoebox that was worn around the edges from the top shelf.
She sat down at the foot of her closest, her legs sprawled out and the shoebox between them. She stared down the shoebox for close to fifteen minutes, time mingling together and flying by in those late hours of the night. Finally, she lifted the top off and found a world she had left behind.
Movie ticket stubs and dance tickets littered the top layer in a blanket, a large homemade birthday card peaking out from underneath. Emma pulled out the birthday card, shaking off the tickets on top. She trailed her fingers across the lettering on top that read, "Happy Birthday, Em" in dark colored marker. Painstakingly, and poorly, drawn decorations filled the corners.
It was only because he couldn't buy an actual card, Emma reasoned. With a sigh she carefully opened the card to find what she knew would be inside. Two innocent and smiling figures, a ridiculous amount of space apart, peered back at her from a Polaroid. Sean and her.
The birthday card fell back into the shoebox, discarded, as Emma pushed it away with the back of her foot. She held the picture in her hands, a snapshot of naivety. Everything had seemed simple then. Not like now, with the entire world turned upside down and going mad.
Had I ever been that girl?, Emma thought, then laughed at a second thought. Had Sean even been that boy?
Emma stood up off the floor, the picture still clutched in her hand. She moved over to her dresser and picked up her pillow before moving back toward her bed. Crawling into her bed she left the covers off and curled into a ball. She rested the picture onto her pillow beside her head and finally drifted off into sleep with one thought flickering in her mind.
Maybe he didn't always hurt me. Sometimes, he actually took the hurt away.
Emma sighed loudly in her quiet bedroom, realizing that the war between her head and her heart was far from over.
xXx