Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough
world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do
without...)
Author's note-Sad yet sweet.
THE FOLLOWING IS IN POOR Sirius's POV
James hussled back up to the dormitories and I hadn't budged an inch. I still sat, pillow clutched to my chin. I stopped crying, there was nothing left to cry anymore. Instead I stared, almost oblivious.
"Say, Siri, some good news, I think." James sat on the end of the bed and rested his hand on my knee. I looked down at it and then back at him, probably more pathetic than ever. " Remus certainly doesn't hate you. Matter of fact, he said that when you kissed him it was the most beautiful feeling he ever felt, better then when he's around Snape."
I just kept staring. "And what do you want me to say, James. Do you want me to say that makes it better?"
"Well, it should, Sirius. After all, that's a huge improvement to being unattracted to someone in the slightest. Honestly, lighten up. He's going to talk to Snape now and sort things out because he doesn't want anyone's heart to be broken. That's an honorable thing for him to sort things out, Siri."
"It would be more honorable if he'd just fucking decide instead of playing us both."
"Sirius, please stop with the drama. This is just a crush, and if things don't go as planned, the sky won't fucking fall," James snapped. "Sometimes you just drive me crazy."
I silenced myself because I knew I didn't have anything intelligent to reply with.
"Anyway, I think I hear him coming in, so that's a good sign they didn't just let go and shag. I'm gonna be taking a shower, so just---get comfortable or something..." James continued coldly, moving toward the bathroom.
I sat still and watched him go, listening for the sounds of someone approaching. The footsteps came closer and I felt myself grasping the pillow with white knuckles. I let loose a bit and waited only to see Kristopher Long coming in and grabbing a scarf before leaving. Then it was just silent. As I thought of James's 'comforting' words of 'they're not shagging' , I kept praying the next person in would be Remus, but for 10 minutes there was completely nothing. I turned around and rested my face deep in the pillow. 5-7 minutes passed before I felt a hand on my back. I lifted my eyes, thinking I'd see James when I spotted Remus Lupin at my bedside, eyes just as red as my own must have been.
"Sirius, I know you must hate me now, but I think that we are at last even. Now you know the sense of betrayal I felt when you revealed me to Severus that night. I realize they are completely different, but the feeling's the same--"
"You weren't dumped, Lupin--"
"Not that time, but just now I was--"
"Not by your best friend of 5 years," I snapped. He looked down and sighed.
"That's true. But try to understand things from my point of view. Just recently I found out a guy liked me. Before then, nobody had ever liked me except for girls who thought I was 'mysterious'. I did what most normal people do, I react with liking them back. This was before I got to know Severus. Today I finally think I do. And Sirius--I don't like what I know now. And, obviously, neither does he when it comes to me. I misjudged him. But yet another thing happened--my best friend kissed me out of the blue without any warning or build up what so ever. You can understand my surprise. I acted dumb, I'll admit." Remus stopped and his voice was barely above a whisper.
"But, Sirius--I was really, really happy you did. I was so thrilled that you, Sirius Black, kissed me."
For some reason hearing the same speech from him was so much more clear than hearing it from James. I could forgive him that very instant if it wasn't for my pride.
"Then why didn't you tell me this when it happened?"
"Sirius, I was confused, I didn't know what to think! What would you do if you thought I was straight and so never liked me then all of a sudden, when you thought you liked someone else--I kissed you. What if you really liked it and you realized you had to stop one relationship now and you chose the wrong one?"
"Chose the wrong one...?"
"Severus is the farthest thing from right for me. Sirius, I can't believe I never realized this before now---I love you. I really do. I think we've loved each other for years before now, but we've just been too silly to notice. I want to remedy that tonight. I want to tell you that....I'm sorry. If you never can forgive me, it'll be understandable. But if you can't love me any more, at least be my friend.''
My voice was dead from tears and the overwhelming sense of gratitude at his comment. I didn't know whether to ask him to hold me or leave me alone. I, instead of either, let loose and grabbed his shoulders, burying my head in his chest, tears I didn't even know I had left dampening his tie. He wrapped his arms around me and pat my back.
"I don't want to just be your friend, Remus...There's no way in hell I would be able to not love you," I whispered, arms around his waist.
"Alright, Sirius. It's alright...I promise nothing like this will ever happen again. I'm sorry." He lowered his head so his cheek was on my hair and we sat like this until the bathroom door slammed open.
"Oh...er-sorry," muttered James, emerging in a cloud of shower steam.
Author's note-Sad yet sweet.
THE FOLLOWING IS IN POOR Sirius's POV
James hussled back up to the dormitories and I hadn't budged an inch. I still sat, pillow clutched to my chin. I stopped crying, there was nothing left to cry anymore. Instead I stared, almost oblivious.
"Say, Siri, some good news, I think." James sat on the end of the bed and rested his hand on my knee. I looked down at it and then back at him, probably more pathetic than ever. " Remus certainly doesn't hate you. Matter of fact, he said that when you kissed him it was the most beautiful feeling he ever felt, better then when he's around Snape."
I just kept staring. "And what do you want me to say, James. Do you want me to say that makes it better?"
"Well, it should, Sirius. After all, that's a huge improvement to being unattracted to someone in the slightest. Honestly, lighten up. He's going to talk to Snape now and sort things out because he doesn't want anyone's heart to be broken. That's an honorable thing for him to sort things out, Siri."
"It would be more honorable if he'd just fucking decide instead of playing us both."
"Sirius, please stop with the drama. This is just a crush, and if things don't go as planned, the sky won't fucking fall," James snapped. "Sometimes you just drive me crazy."
I silenced myself because I knew I didn't have anything intelligent to reply with.
"Anyway, I think I hear him coming in, so that's a good sign they didn't just let go and shag. I'm gonna be taking a shower, so just---get comfortable or something..." James continued coldly, moving toward the bathroom.
I sat still and watched him go, listening for the sounds of someone approaching. The footsteps came closer and I felt myself grasping the pillow with white knuckles. I let loose a bit and waited only to see Kristopher Long coming in and grabbing a scarf before leaving. Then it was just silent. As I thought of James's 'comforting' words of 'they're not shagging' , I kept praying the next person in would be Remus, but for 10 minutes there was completely nothing. I turned around and rested my face deep in the pillow. 5-7 minutes passed before I felt a hand on my back. I lifted my eyes, thinking I'd see James when I spotted Remus Lupin at my bedside, eyes just as red as my own must have been.
"Sirius, I know you must hate me now, but I think that we are at last even. Now you know the sense of betrayal I felt when you revealed me to Severus that night. I realize they are completely different, but the feeling's the same--"
"You weren't dumped, Lupin--"
"Not that time, but just now I was--"
"Not by your best friend of 5 years," I snapped. He looked down and sighed.
"That's true. But try to understand things from my point of view. Just recently I found out a guy liked me. Before then, nobody had ever liked me except for girls who thought I was 'mysterious'. I did what most normal people do, I react with liking them back. This was before I got to know Severus. Today I finally think I do. And Sirius--I don't like what I know now. And, obviously, neither does he when it comes to me. I misjudged him. But yet another thing happened--my best friend kissed me out of the blue without any warning or build up what so ever. You can understand my surprise. I acted dumb, I'll admit." Remus stopped and his voice was barely above a whisper.
"But, Sirius--I was really, really happy you did. I was so thrilled that you, Sirius Black, kissed me."
For some reason hearing the same speech from him was so much more clear than hearing it from James. I could forgive him that very instant if it wasn't for my pride.
"Then why didn't you tell me this when it happened?"
"Sirius, I was confused, I didn't know what to think! What would you do if you thought I was straight and so never liked me then all of a sudden, when you thought you liked someone else--I kissed you. What if you really liked it and you realized you had to stop one relationship now and you chose the wrong one?"
"Chose the wrong one...?"
"Severus is the farthest thing from right for me. Sirius, I can't believe I never realized this before now---I love you. I really do. I think we've loved each other for years before now, but we've just been too silly to notice. I want to remedy that tonight. I want to tell you that....I'm sorry. If you never can forgive me, it'll be understandable. But if you can't love me any more, at least be my friend.''
My voice was dead from tears and the overwhelming sense of gratitude at his comment. I didn't know whether to ask him to hold me or leave me alone. I, instead of either, let loose and grabbed his shoulders, burying my head in his chest, tears I didn't even know I had left dampening his tie. He wrapped his arms around me and pat my back.
"I don't want to just be your friend, Remus...There's no way in hell I would be able to not love you," I whispered, arms around his waist.
"Alright, Sirius. It's alright...I promise nothing like this will ever happen again. I'm sorry." He lowered his head so his cheek was on my hair and we sat like this until the bathroom door slammed open.
"Oh...er-sorry," muttered James, emerging in a cloud of shower steam.