Sorry, am a tad bitter today.
Anyways, we continue. Thanks for the evil reviews, guys. They warm the cockles of my heart.
Chapter 13 – Snow White's Teenage Years, During Which Sally's Life Begins To Disintegrate But Then Takes An Evil Turn For The Better
Sally whiled away the next decade or so quite easily. Between bossing around King Daft and frantically trying to hook her mirror up to DSL, Sally had little time for outside annoyances and was therefore ignorant to the world around her. It wasn't until late one night that she realized the true joys of motherhood.
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Sally jolted upright in bed, panting in fear. Her nightmares were getting more and more sinister, and often creepily twisted. The long hours spent gazing at her own reflection in The Mirror didn't help, as staring in a reflective surface for hours at a time has been clinically proven to causes vapidness and swift insanity. Sally's non-magical beauty spell, the other love of her life, was beginning to be constantly plastered on her sagging face.
See, friends? Consorting with the devil doesn't pay. Feel the values I am teaching you.
Sally shrieked, awaking King Daft, who slowly sat up, avoiding the menacing fingernails which Sally was brandishing.
"I heard the voice! Again! Eeeeeeehhhhhhhhh aaaaaaahh cackle cackle….."
King Daft looked sadly at the ceiling. Sally had seemed so brainlessly, beautifully normal on that night at the ball. Just when did she turn psycho?
"Honey, it's just the narrator, trying to make you have another synaptic breakdown. You, crazy girl, stop teasing my poor wife," he reprimanded the ceiling.
The ceiling was silent, as ceilings usually are. Except for my bedroom's, of course, but we don't talk about that.
Sally and the King promptly forgot about the creepy narrator and her talking ceiling as a loud, off-key baritone voice resounded from the courtyard. They raced to the window, tripping over each other's feet in the process. Lying in a most un-royal heap on the floor, they heard a piercing tone join the first. And this was not a good piercing tone; it was a break-your-eardrums-and-shatter-your-toenail-polish piercing tone.
Snow White's.
The omniscient narrator gleefully watched as Snow White, wearing a dress that can only be described as red and smutty (word of the day, boo-yah), leaped to her certain death from her fifth-floor bedroom window, shrieking in song as she fell.
Sadly, the owner of the deep voice caught her, making a most interesting "Oooofffffff…..owwwwwwwwww" noise as she landed on him. With difficulty, he carried her over to a purple horse.
King Daft, who had finally reached the window, screamed like a girl and pressed a button on the wall labeled "EMERGENCY", then began running for courtyard.
About 0.854 seconds later, armored soldiers poured into the moonlit square where Snow White and her random boy toy were having A Moment.
The princely boy, upon seeing the guards, immediately pushed Snow White off of his horse. "Whatever. This is too weird. I need a princess who's easy to get with." His horse sprouted blue wings and flew off into the sunset (have you not heard of the rare 2:00 AM sunsets? Look for one tonight). The guards applauded in awe.
"SHUT UP YOU BAS-I mean, whatever was that for, strong soldiers?" Snow White inquired sweetly.
"I dunno. We were bored and the emergency alarm went off, so, here we are." shrugged a tall knight.
"Hey, guys, I heard there's doughnuts on the round table!" shouted a portly swordsman. They stampeded off to join in the American tradition of gluttony.
King Daft finally reached the courtyard. "Honey, boys are bad. Repeat with me: Boys. Are. Bad."
"Whyyyyyyyyyyy…….waaaaahhh!" Snow White burst into tears, a tactic that, with her father, most always guaranteed her a simpering apology, a later curfew, or several new pairs of satin slippers.
Her flustered father, who knew this tactic all too well, dragged Snow White inside and dumped her unceremoniously into the bedroom, where Sally was staring deeply at a spot on her upper left cheek in The Mirror.
"Darling, you and your stepmother can have a wholesome mother-to-daughter talk about this whole….thing. I'm sure you'll feel better, Snowy, afterwards. I'll be at the round table if you need me." He sprinted off to secure the last jelly doughnut.
Sally threw Snow White a glare which guaranteed that the talk would not be wholesome and she most definitely would not feel better after it.
Snow White edged for the door, but Sally quickly muttered a word under her breath, causing a bolt of power to shoot out of the mirror and freeze Snow White in place.
"Come on, Sally, I was only going to let him kiss me for a while!"
"Yeah, I know. You're not an interesting enough person to do anything else."
Snow White gaped at her, not sure whether she should be insulted or not.
"That's not what this is about. This is about…me. Yes, for once, something is finally about me and my well-being," said Sally bitterly.
Snow White stared at her. "Um, are you feeling okay? I'll go get Daddy……"
Sally whirled around to yell at her. "Stop pretending like you care about me! No one does, except your father, and his devotion is linked to my beauty, which is rapidly fading…"
"Um, Sally, it's normal for that to happen…."
"Not for me, you little twit-nosed buffalo! My beauty is running on spells, which aren't working correctly at the moment!"
Now Snow White knew that that had been an insult. "I always knew you were a witch with a capital B!"
"Um, yeah, well the devil seems to be sucking my powers back and the beauty spell isn't going well. So, I've decided to kill you and eat your heart in the hopes that it makes me look young again. Beauty is power, you know, and without it, I'll never be around long enough to inherit King Daft's rule after he dies."
Snow White's mental abilities, at this point, had been completely exhausted, so Sally unfroze her and allowed her to run off sobbing down the corridor, yelling after her, "Oh, and your father and I are grounding you, so don't even think about trying to escape."
Satisfied, Sally turned back to The Mirror, whose surface had a long, depressed-looking face upon it. It spoke to her in whining tones. "Sally, even for you, this is wrong. Killing a young, innocent girl so that you can be attractive for a few more years? Eating her heart will be extremely unpleasant, and it might not even work…"
"Shut up. I didn't get you for the moral advice. Now uncloud your surface so I can check back on that spot." The mirror sighed and rolled its eyes, then cleared.
The spot on Sally's check had vanished. She smiled evilly, showing all of her unpleasantly pointy teeth. Tomorrow, Snow White would bite the dust.
"Venomous platypus."
"What was that?" Sally casually smashed a small hand mirror laying on her dressing table.
" *Gulp* Nothing."
A/n: Wow, this chapter turned out way more sinister than I expected it to. No matter. I leave the evil bubbling brain of Sally to C. But first, here are some responses to the last several reviews, just to show that we love our reviewers and anyone who reviews our story gets their name carved into the White Tree of Minas Tirith:
Shards of EvenSong: Thanks so much for the nice review (we don't get too many of those. Yes, I love our portrayal of Movie-Arwen as well, although several angry readers didn't. We're glad we brought laughter to ur life, and don't worry, we're too lazy to fall out of our chairs as well. Oh, and about the spelling: I forced M to fix her *ahem* few grammatical errors, lol.
Marcie Gore: We're glad u like our interpretation; she is one awesome, evil Dudette. Glad that u were amused as well.
THANKS EVERYBODY!