Disclaimer: The circle of lice thing (like the circle of life, except itchier) is inspired by the last BR meeting and the craaaazy camp rules (beds 30 inches apart! Or who KNOWS what will infect your head). Wizard of Oz songs obviously weren't written by me. Or were they….
CHAPTER 16 - Dwarferly "Love"
That night, the dwarves held a secret, shifty, tiny-men-ONLY-allowed conference.
In the outhouse. That was the only place Snow White didn't frolic into on a regular basis, singing fit to curl the skin on their eardrums. The outhouse was preferable, as it only curled the skin off their nostrils.
Stereotypically, Doc began the meeting.
"Let's cut to the chase, since I notice most of you are losing the ability to breathe. All those in favor of slipping towdfarp (a/n: dwarf pot; Happy's favorite substance to abuse) into her tea tomorrow and dropping her off in Wolf Meadow, say aye."
The room was silent, other than Bashful's repeated "there's a girl inside there's a girl inside there's a girl inside". (It was all he'd been able to say since Snow White arrived). Finally, Grumpy overcame his hatred for Doc enough to express his greater loathing for Snow White. "Aye. And I'm NOT saying it to agree with you, you bigheaded son of a-"
Happy cut him off. "But we must not turn her out into the woods!! There could be WOLVES out there!!!"
"Um, yeah. That's the point."
Happy smiled, his simple brain too caught up in the intricacies of life to respond.
Doc surveyed the rest of the cramped space, hoping for greater support. Sleepy was… sleeping. Sneezy was… sneezing. Dopey was in the corner… dopeing. Doc sighed. He needed some new friends. It was too bad that dwarves were in such short supply in the middle of the forest. Maybe six rabbits…? No. He'd tried that before. The lawsuits were still pending.
Happy's nose began to bleed, so they went inside.
Snow White was waiting in the kitchen, surrounded by her animal "friends". (Really, all along, they were just addicted to her perfume. Don't tell her. It will ruin the magic).
Doc started shouting. "Get these filthy animals out of our house! Look at what the gopher's doing….that's just wrong!!! OUT."
Snow White grabbed his hands and flung him across the room. "But we're going to SING!!!!! AND DANCE!!!!!!" With that, she began violently kicking around the room while playing the accordion and bellowing. Dwarf heads and wrists cracked. Windows shattered. The antique accordion cried out in pain. Animal friends took the opportunity to create a circle of lice.
And every dwarf mind was made up about just what should be done with their new house guest.
The next morning, having been shaken awake, fed raw eggs and cardboard toast, and forced to wear personalized sequined pink cowboy hats, the dwarves were more than ready to leave for work.
As Snow White kissed them goodbye at the door, Doc stopped for a chat.
"Hey, Snow White, remember: the vacuum cleaner man should be coming today, so open the door to ANYONE that knocks. Especially if they look warty and evil, with scraggly hair and stained black robes."
"WOW, that's one special vacuum man!!!"
"Um…yes. Bye now." He grinned. She was oblivious.
Once they were out of sight of the cottage, the dwarves held a small ceremony in which they burned their hats. Strangely united for maybe the first time in their lives, they sang "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" as the flaming sequins drifted off into the air, creating several forest fires where they landed.
Meanwhile, Sally was extremely busy.
Okay, the heart thing hadn't worked. So, she killed Drake and ate his. That didn't do much either, other than provide her with a healthy set of sideburns.
Her sanity was dripping away day by day. Even the king was growing suspicious. He had The Mirror banished to a distant mountain, but Sally had then hired a small boy to follow her around and provide a running commentary on her appearance.
Things weren't going well. Until one night when she received an extremely frazzled phone call from an extremely short and jolly man. (Of course she has a phone. Bitchy people need them to update evil plans).
Sally gave one last poisonous look at the narrator. That girl, she thought, is going down. (Don't worry, I'll drag you all down with me).
In any case, the call had revealed Snow White's whereabouts, and with them, a final plan. Sally cackled, her not-so-white-anymore teeth gleaming, as she descended the stairs to her Laboratory.
A/n: Our only reviewer since the last chapter has been EvenSong. Therefore, she gets mad, insane props, while the rest of you get nothing. You lose! Good day, sir!! (yeah willy wonka).
Just can't wait for the climax? Staaaaaaaaaay tuned. And review. That's important too.