Author's note: Sirius is by far the hardest character to write in for me. Oddly enough, though, I have much more fluidity with a character I'm not totally in love with--Severus. Hence you might notice the shumpiness of all the Sirius chapters when compared with say--Remus, who is my favorite muse and by far the easiest to write in. Nevertheless, I hope I manage to produce an adequete chapter given my current state.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

S-I-R-I-U-S B-L-A-C-K

James chewed on his pen anxiously as he filled out his book with underlines and notes. He wasn't worried about the quiz we had the next day, though--it was obvious. The Quidditch game tomorrow had him on his toes, especially since he could hardly ever find the snitch nowadays, let alone fly. His mind was completely muddled by one thing.

Lily Evans.

This...I suppose pretty girl in our year who has been rejecting his advances for months now was currently the object of his unwavering devotion. I really never saw him this dedicated, though. He barely ate and left his bed at ungodly hours of the night to go to the common room in front of the fire and write horrible poetry. It was really funny, but I tried not to let him know I thought that. He looked over at me and sighed.

"This is horrible..." he muttered, then got up and walked towards the dorms. "I'm taking a shower..."

Meanwhile I was perfectly preoccupied. Remus and I barely saw each other, but plenty of other girls saw me. I can't say that their attentions went unnoticed, or unwanted even. Of course maybe I was starved for attention. It had been a month since I had a real romantic relationship where both of us were equally 'loving', let alone talking on a daily basis. Remus's attentions were naturally wavering, which made me wonder if it was a bad idea to 'leave it until later'.

But when I thought about it more...did I really love Remus? It seems that perhaps it was just jealousy that drove me to be so over-amorous. I hated Snape....and when I thought one of my friends might go and be on the 'dark side', of course I became upset! But that does not mean that I like him in a romantic way. I'd feel the same about Peter being transferred to Slytherin.........Maybe not, I don't care for Peter at all, but still. Remus was just a friend to me, right? I should be free from any mental or emotional restraints my mistake might lead me to, correct? All I would have to do is simply say,'Remus, I made a mistake. Sorry, don't love you. We can still be friends."

He wouldn't be too upset. Afterall, I'm sure by now he was fully engaged in romance with Snivellus...Suddenly I was increasingly upset by that thought. Remus holding Snape's hand lovingly. Remus embracing him warmly----kissing him. I decided though, that it was merely my rivalry and nothing else. Still I made up my mind that Remus should know that perhaps my heart was not entirely in this.

Soon Remus slid through the portrait hole and into the common room, smiling vaguely and setting down his books. He looked up at me and made a sort of purring noise, then laughed and skukled over, wrapping his arms around my neck sweetly.

"How was your day?" he asked, his kind amber eyes looking into mine with a sort of searching look hidden by the smile he now saved just for me. I felt extremely guilty, you can be sure, but nevertheless determined to set thing straight.

"Remus---"

He leaned in, his cheek against my neck and held me tighter. "Remember how you said it should be at a moment when it was special? I sort of figured that right now, nobody's here and--"

"Remus, we have to talk," I whispered. He pulled away and looked at me, soul searching again. He nodded and walked over to the couch to sit. I followed slowly and stopped at the side table. "Um...You know a month ago how I said that I really...well, that I loved you?"

"Yes, Sirius, that's why we're here."

"Well...heh....I'm sure you can understand how my pride felt wounded after seeing you with Snape...I overreacted, you know? I think it's safe to say that I went overboard and took you along with me, and for that I---"

"You overreacted??"

"Well....what I'm trying to say is that....I don't think I love you, Remus. Least, not enough to be more than platonic, you know?" I smiled kindly as I could. " We can still be great friends rig---"

I stopped suddenly to see his face in complete shock. He was obviously pained by this statement, and sounded choked as he spoke.

"B-But Sirius...we hardly have even seen each other. How do you know if you l-l-love me or not yet?" he stammered. I sighed.

"That's just it, Remus. After a month, I think I would know or not--"

"But--the shrieking shack! And you and I have always been like this--all our flirting--we never noticed until now, it can't all just be a mistake!"

"You should know now, Remus, I flirt with a lot of people. Really, you're nothing special."

No sooner had I said that than I knew I shouldn't have. Immediately he stood up and just stared at me for a moment. Then he looked at the floor and walked out the portrait. I couldn't guess where he was going, but it was for the best. I figured he wouldn't cry, if I knew Remus he was perhaps the strongest person of any in the school or in books. Besides that, I'm incredibly easy to get over---or at least that's what I've observed in the past.

What the FUCK am I saying!?! This is all bullshit!. How on earth could I have said that? 'You're nothing special'?!?! But now there was no way to take it back. No way to just say to him "Remus, I meant 'flirting is nothing special'!!!" No way to tell him that perhaps I was acting on a whim again. Now I hated myself beyond all belief. I doubted my ability to think on my feet because having done so twice I had severly messed things up. I lied by telling him I loved him so quickly and then as I watched him and his incredulousness I realized to myself....I might like him more than platonically. Then I lied again. Iruined things that cannot be undone.

I stood rooted to the spot and stared into the fire, furious at myself and upset with Remus for not having knocked some sense into me. I must have felt something for him as I held him in the Shrieking Shack. I must have had something in mind when I told him that we had to wait for our real first kiss until we could truly appreciate it....I must have felt something when my eyes finally teared up when I realized what I had just done.

I must have stood there for a while, because James came down again with his hair wet and fresh pajamas on, tapping on my shoulder.

"Sirius?.......What's wrong..........?" he asked.

I didn't say anything, my voice was completely gone. I just rounded the armchair and sat down heavily, placing my hand to my forehead.

"Sirius...?"

"I told Remus he was nothing to me....." I muttered, eyes not moving from their fixed position.

"....Why!?"

"I haven't the foggiest fucking clue in my fucking stupid head, James," I croaked. Tears didn't flow, they just stayed in my eyes, clouding my vision to spite me. Not that I needed eyes right now. I didn't need anything except to turn back time and get a new brain.

"Sirius, you were in love with him!! Everything was working out perfectly and you---"

"Not perfectly, James!!! Not in the slightest!!"

"You never appreciate the beautiful things you have, Sirius Black. What was it this time? Some girl? Surely not some guy?"

"We never saw each other! He's always with Snivellus and he barely---"

"You never TRIED to see him, Sirius! The last time I saw you make an attempt was during the full moon to see him, and that was with my coaxing. You didn't try at ALL. But you know what the sad part is, Sirius? I'm not even disappointed in you. I knew this would happen. It always has, except this time you didn't even fuck him. I'm disappointed in myself for letting you put Remus through all this. He let down someone who---horrible as he is, might have made him happy to be with YOU because he truly believed he loved you. He dropped everything he could for you. You may not have noticed that while some blonde bird prepared to snag you, but you meant everything to him. You fucked it up, and in the end I know what I knew from the beginning-------Remus deserved better."

Well, that certainly made me feel better.

END NOTE: It's hard to believe, but I had no intention of going in this direction. As I said, the characters lead you, sometimes. Hopefully Sirius hasn't led me into a corner I can't write myself out of. I hope this isn't too shattering to the Sirius-lovers or too joyous to those who root for Severus, because I'm still not sure who he'll end up with. One thing's for sure....PLEASE REVIEW! Flames aren't necessarily welcome, but acceptable. I like brutal honest :D