Author's note: Oh noooooo! Hee. Yeah, that was by far the most over-dramatic and horrific chapter I've ever written since Dear Diary. Not exactly my most....elegant chapter. Reading it over I realize what a mistake it was, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. I'm relying on people who don't even exist to write this story for me, so bear with me mates.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

REMUS J. LUPIN

I didn't cry. I felt there was no reason to. But I was certainly hurt. Immediately after leaving I slammed the portrait shut, only to get a loud yelp from the Fat Lady. I ignored it and fell against the painting, sinking down to the floor quietly and eventually curling myself up.

"Watch what you're doing when you....Hello?....What's wrong dear mister---" The Fat Lady began.

"Remus Lupin, Madame," a sailor spoke across the room from his boat where he stood with a warm sort of authority.

"Dear Remus," she finished. I didn't speak, but rather remained in my ball position.

"I think he just got in a fight, dearie," a drunken knight called out. " That Sirius Black has been all over lately, not like it's surprising. That boy's quite the ladies man."

As if this could possibly help my disposition! I stood up and politely nodded to them, then hurried myself down the stairs and out of the hall towards the Astronomy Tower. I had no idea what I would do when I got there, but I merely needed a place without pictures. I was barely aware I was walking, my mind was too heavy to think of anything else but what had just happened.

What a whim! At first everything was perfect and it didn't change, but it was true--we hardly spent time together. But it was our OWL year! He could hardly expect me to be spending all my time with him....But he did want me to back off from Severus. Perhaps there was my real mistake, prolonging my time with Severus instead of being entirely set on making a relationship I wanted so badly work. But......I was nothing to him. I had lost perhaps something that was never there....which is sometimes so much worse than losing something that was a constant.

Did I have hope that perhaps I'd be back in his heart? Not in the slightest. Not when all I could feel was this supreme emptiness that I knew only he could feel. I will be honest and say I took him completely for granted...something I thought he always did to me. This time, though, we used and ignored each other. Sirius by paying attention to women, and myself by not paying attention at all. We were equally wretched.

So what could I do now? Sirius no doubt meant exactly what he said, it's not like he had any other inclining. Nobody could make Sirius do anything against his will. The thought came into my mind to perhaps seek comfort in Severus, but I pushed the thought out quickly as it came. If there was one thing I would try to refuse it would be a rebound after my first relationship.

So...I decided to do nothing. I wouldn't try to talk to Sirius, it would only make things worse. Instead I chose the lighter road of going on with things as they had been a couple months before---completely neutrally. It would take time for me to eventually get over things....

But I never really respected the old adage of 'You never know you lost something until it's gone'. It seemed to me that I would teach myself to realize the worth of everything while I had it, because it was rare that I had things very long. And I had been doing fine for some time, but now...I felt shattered. I never really noticed how much I did love Sirius Black. His humor, the way he completely disregards lessons as important and goofs off every day. His ability that after not even paying attention in class he would get a 90/100 on all his exams, if not higher. I loved the way that when he was frustrated his hair fell into his eyes and he didn't even bother to push it out but merely complained about how he couldn't see. The way that his eyes spoke volumes that perhaps he didn't even know about, illustrating all of his emotions through some icy blue glass. The way that he no matter what was exceedingly quick and dramatic with everything, always ready to entertain the masses with some beguiling joke or quip. Even the way he held himself above most others was charming in it's eccentricity because no matter what he felt inferior to James and I. His kingly behavior and then quick unworthiness that he only showed to me---you could tell that he felt so lucky to have us, even if he never said so. But at least he knew how lucky I felt to have him, for a time. But at last I had misfigured Sirius, he had eluded me. Because in the end, I was nothing to him.

And still I loved him. He was beautiful and kind to me....And the worst part was that echoing through my mind were flashes of our last conversation and through them bits of our few moments together. The Shrieking Shack, when he told me he loved me and that we were perfect for one another, him telling me to wait, the multitude of times we sat alone late into the night studying, just pleased to finally be in each other's company.

I refused to believe that they all meant nothing, but he told me plainly I was wrong....And I had to accept that soon.

The following day proved to be harder than expected. And once or twice after seeing Sirius I had to force myself to look away. James and I didn't speak to each other, and only the unknowing Peter and I exchanged smiles. Not even James spoke to Sirius, so I was guessing he knew. James had a way of staying on my side when things like these happened---not that anything this bad had happened before, but Sirius and I have had our tiffs. Nevertheless, the only words I shared that day were with Severus, and that was well after 4.

"Sorry I'm late." I rushed into the dungeon and placed my bag on the table, rubbing my forehead.

"What were you doing?" he asked curiously.

"I was having a chat with Professor McGonagall," I lied. Really, I was just sitting in the Dorms thinking about not coming at all, but Sirius and Peter had some in, so I left immediately. "So--the friend-foe potion?"

"Yes, it's coming along fine," he remarked kindly.

"I see you found the floorboard on your own! You're well on your way to becoming just as sneaky as us," I laughed. It was a sort of mirthless laugh if I have ever heard one from my mouth. I didn't want it to be, but he noticed.

"...Most people know already, Lupin."

"Know what?"

"You know what I'm talking about," he replied quickly, almost snappish, then his voice became gentler than I have ever heard it. "...What I mean to say is...I'm sorry. Perhaps you misjudged your Black, he doesn't deserve you."

"Don't tell me what I deserve and do not, Snape," I hissed and then suddenly stopped myself. "....I'm sorry..."

"You're upset."

"Naturally....but I don't mean to be so rude...It's just......I had everything I could have possibly wanted....and I just didn't take the time out to notice before I lost it all..."

Severus sighed and stirred the potion. "What exactly made you lose everything?"

"Losing Sirius."

"I mean what happened? There's only so much Slytherin girls know to gossip about."

"....Basically he was just jealous that I might want to be with you....And that he never really had the same feelings I did for him..." I stated as neutrally as possible, opening several vials to add the new ingredients. I reached over to work on the potion, but he quickly placed his hand on my arm.

"Don't. Just sit down, I'll handle it for today," he said firmly, looking at my eyes with a black sort of kindness that made me uneasy, but I sat down on the table, buring my face in my hands with fatigue. I had never in my life thought I'd be having such a friendly conversation with Severus about an ex-boyfriend.

"It's like....We didn't care that we would grow apart by not seeing each other because we believed in our minds that it was impossible. We had been friends so long, and there have been times like summer when we never saw each other---but remained close....Well...I'm lying to myself. He's always been closer to James. When they broke up it was a mutual thing, not so onesided as this...."

"I think that perhaps it would be safe to write him off as just a friend now that you know his heart was not in it."

"It's not that easy."

"He's not the only person who has claimed to love you, Lupin," he said harshly, setting down the spoon and staring into the potion. "Why don't you consider the fuckin' lilies? Plenty of people have noticed you before now and many more will do so. It never works out the first time, but you have to move on."

".....I'm sorry Severus. Here I am talking about Sirius and here you are...." I said slowly and quietly. "I never appreciate the things I have...I know...I should fix that...."

"You know, when you said you wanted to be my friend, I was completely afraid you were joking. It seemed much to good to be true. But you continued to do so even after I lied, and that takes a certain amount of character that until then I wasn't sure you had. I misjudged you, just like you misjudged him. But I learned my lesson and I trust you now. I spend hours of my day to try and help you because you helped me, Lupin--"

"Please call me Remus," I muttered.

"Remus, you gave me at least a little bit of hope. Do you understand how rare it is to actually give someone a thing like that? And that's enough for me, you being my friend. You gave me enough confidence without loving me as I do you, so....Do the same. I am grateful for one. You have 4. And if they all disappear, which I highly doubt, you still have me, because I'm not going anywhere. I have nobody better to turn to, Remus, and that's saying something. He's not worthy of your heart if he cannot return it, and it's just that simple. So there are three things you can do---forget him and move on, keep him in your heart and not let him know, or get me that unicorn's horn and let us see if he was actually speaking the truth."