Don't You
Chapter Five: Troubles and Doubts
Andrew listened to the brumbling sound of the engine in his fathers truck as they rattled over a few bumps in the road. It was Tuesday, March 27, 1984. The previous day had gone by without incident but something told him that would change today.
"Oh, I got a copy of the school paper yesterday. They spelled your name wrong again. You really aughta get them to fix that or the recruiters are gonna be confused... So, Champ, you give any more thought to what we talked about the other day?"
Something was wrong. "Champ" was a name reserved for days when he had a meet. His father didn't use it on a day-to-day basis. "Uh, yeah. I'll try harder Dad."
"That's my boy, A real champion, like your father." He laughed heartily.
Now Andrew knew something was definitely up. Champ; champion. What was he getting at? Suddenly his attention was drawn to his arm, and the circle of fabric that was a bit lighter than the rest, having been protected by dirt up until that weekend. On Saturday Allison had easily torn his championship patch from his sleeve. It was strange to him how effortlessly she removed it. Like this huge, inescapable part of his life was in fact weak and easy to get rid of.
He turned to his father nervously and caught a cold stare. "Where's the patch Kiddo?"
What could he say? The truth might prompt at least a little sympathy. "I gave it to a girl." Okay, she had taken it, but that sounded better. The senior Clark sighed.
"All right... All right. Fair enough. Giving a girl something like that is one way to get the ladies, and I can't really blame you for that."
Was he really getting away with it?
"But a champion patch is... Well they don't hand those to just anyone Son."
Of course not...
" And don't think for a second that they'll just hand you a new one. Something like that is sacred, and if you can't take care of one, they're gonna think you don't deserve one. Now you go see that girl today and get it back."
"I can't do that Dad."
"Why not? Afraid she won't like you? You're a popular, good-looking kid. You've got plenty of options."
"It's not that easy Dad... It's complicated."
"Well sure. Life is complicated when you're a teenager. But you still gotta get that patch back. You understand?"
"Yes Sir."
Now he'd have to talk to Allison. It was something he was dreading and he'd hoped to avoid it completely. He really liked her, and she "got" him, but it was an impossible situation. Unless she showed up in designer threads and a whole new look and attitude, it could never work. He was sure if he just avoided her for a bit they'd both forget about it and he wouldn't have to deal with it all.
~~~~~
"You... look nice."
The words were spoken without inflection, as if she was being forced to say them out of obligation. Allison looked at her mother with some surprise."Thanks." She finally answered, equally lackluster in response. The two were uncomfortable together, but somehow they both knew the time had come that they should finally start talking again... But that was enough for today.
Allison scratched at the edge of her chin a bit. She wasn't used to wearing foundation and the like, so it was starting to irritate her. She wondered silently how she could make it to seventh period without rubbing it all off. Not only that but her skin felt odd and prickly, so exposed as it was. She was wearing a sleeveless top, similar to the one she put on on Saturday, and the skirt she was wearing was shorter than what she was accustomed to. 'This is so stupid' she told herself, brushing her hair behind her ears. 'Why should I care if they like me? And if they do, shouldn't it be for me and not my clothes?... But who am I kidding? For them life is all make-up and fashion; they won't care what I'm really like. But I just can't take this anymore. Constantly being left behind by family and peers. Life isn't supposed to be like this.'
She blinked back tears and gave her head a shake so that her hair fluffed out a bit and settled more naturally. Then with a sigh she pushed it back into position. On her way out the door she grabbed her oversized black sweater and cast a quick glance back to make sure her mother saw that she was leaving.
It wasn't too chilly, but a breeze was blowing hard enough for her to decide it would be best to take a bus, rather than walking. She always left at the same time, an hour before classes started, so she could decide then how she would go to school. Walking gave her a chance to clear her mind and witness the world from a spectators point of view. She could see people from all walks of life and the different ways they went about things. Prissy girls being driven to school. Jocks picking each other up. They all followed a pattern that was easy to pick up on. She prayed that she wouldn't fall into that pattern and routine much of society was already stuck in. She liked being different and unique; her own person.
The bus pulled up with a hiss and she stepped on quickly, throwing in her change and moving to the back. She sat next to a man who was sleeping across three seats. Apparently he was in for the long hall. Allison had seen him once or twice before and figured he got on somewhere near the start of the route, since he always got the seats he wanted and was sound asleep by the time she got on. A few girls from another school were sitting nearby and looked over at her. She smiled timidly and they returned the gesture, then turned away. 'At least they're not laughing.'
After going a few blocks the bus began to rumble a bit, then puttered to a stop. Everyone looked up and waited until the driver gave up trying to get the engine to turn over, and stood to address them. "Sorry, folks. This bus is now out of service. Another bus will be here shortly and you'll be allowed to transfer to that one. In the meantime I have to ask that you please exit the bus."
"And wait out in that cold?" One of the girls from earlier complained. Allison snorted. It was March for God's sake, not December. As she got out she decided walking to school wouldn't be so bad after all. If anything she could prove to herself that no matter what, she'd never be some preppy wanna-be prom queen.
~~~~~
Bender rubbed his shoulder and rolled his neck a bit while he walked down the street. He'd gotten about three hours of sleep the night before, having stayed over Chris' and slept on an old beanbag chair. Then he was chased out in the morning by Chris who hadn't said anything to his parents about having a friend over. Now he was tired and grumpy and he was stuck going to school on time. It took a moment for him to register what his first class was. 'Chemistry, right, beautiful. Because I really want to know the atomic properties of iron.' He felt himself grin. Apparently some of the crap his teacher spouted had made it's way into his head.
He reached into his bag to pull out his Walkman and jumped back as a car barreled down the street, and sprayed muddy water from a roadside puddle. He cursed and shook his arm which was luckily the only thing that had gotten wet. He pulled off his coat and rubbed his arm, trying to wipe the water off before his arm froze, then shoved the jacket into his bag.
Any "desire" to go to school was now thoroughly gone, so he sat down on a decorative rock at the edge of someone's lawn. He'd probably just wait until third period shop before going in. He'd have to time himself a bit better this time though to avoid having to deal with Vernon. Van Halen played while he sat back and watched the cars go by.
He'd gotten about halfway through the tape when the headphones were knocked from his ears by someone walking by. He shot his head up to catch Allison grinning stupidly as she walked away. He stared after her for a second, then grabbed his bag and stood up, shoving the Walkman back into the front pocket. He walked up to her casually until he was eventually walking next to her.
"School?" He asked, staring forward as if he didn't know her.
"What about it?" She too continued to stare straight forward. It reminded her of the movies when spies would meet up and pass on messages while acting like they didn't even notice each other.
"Are you going?"
"That's the plan." She smiled and they both continued walking together. She couldn't think of anything to talk about, but she was grateful for the company.
"So what's with the clothes?" He asked when they were about halfway to Shermer High.
"Hm?" Allison responded quietly, pretending that she hadn't heard him. He was the last person she wanted to explain herself to. He could go outside of the norm without being shunned by everyone. It wasn't like that for her.
"Your clothes. You're dressed like a pep-rally princess."
"Oh. Just felt like a change." Vagueness was key to avoiding a real conversation about the merits of changing her ways in order to be liked. It wasn't like her to do that, but she had to do something. Understanding that she didn't want to talk about it, John let the subject drop and walked the rest of the way silently.
"Thanks... For walking with me." Allison smiled awkwardly and backed away a few steps. "I have to get to class so." She pointed her thumb over her shoulder and shrugged. Bender nodded her off, then headed for his locker.
~~~~~
"Claire!" Claire and her friends turned around and saw Andrew walking up to them. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"
Claire nodded and shrugged her shoulders, then waited for him to speak.
"Privately." He raised his eyebrows and looked at her eagerly.
"Okay."
Assuring her friends that they'd meet up later, Claire followed Andy to a nearby stairwell to hear what he had to say."
"I need to talk to Allison."
"Okay... And?"
"And?" Didn't she understand how serious this was? "I can't just go up and talk to her like nothing. Besides it's not like I'm just going to say hi."
"Well what are you going to do?"
"I have to take my patch back."
"Wait... What patch?"
"My championship patch. She took it on Saturday and I need it back."
"Ooh. That is weird."
"Yeah."
They both stood for a while, nodding in agreement and running the situation through their minds.
"Have you talked to Bender?"
"John? No, why?"
"Well it would be a lot easier to talk to Allison if I knew you were still talking to him."
They fell again into an awkward silence. They both knew what they should be doing but it was hard to take that first step.
"It's funny isn't it? I feel... I know I should find him and just talk to him but..." She felt a round tear roll onto her cheek and laughed. "This is so stupid. Why am I crying?"
"Extreme love?" Andrew offered with a smile. She laughed a little in response.
"No, nothing like that. I think... It's just so frustrating. You know how it is; having to stop and worry about what everyone else will think before you do anything... Sometimes I wish something would happen and all my friends would give up on me..."
"You really mean that?"
"I don't know."
The bell rang to interrupt their conversation. Claire ran her finger along the edge of her eye to wipe any tears, then smiled weakly and headed back into the hall.. "Sorry I couldn't really talk to you about Allison, but I'll see her later today so if you want I'll tell her."
"No, that's okay. I should do it myself... So how come you can talk to her and not Bender?"
"I guess because she's a girl. My friends will just think I'm taking pity on her. But with a guy it's different."
"I see what you mean. Well, I'll catch you later."
"Sure. Bye."
Andrew turned to go upstairs and Claire quickly ran to the end of the hall, just making it to her history class in time.
~~~~~
Brian approached Larry slowly as if he was a wild animal and any sudden movement would set him off. They were in the same math class and normally sat together, but he wasn't sure if his friend would want that today.
He sat a few seats down and looked over, then smiled. Larry returned the gesture and glanced at the open seat next to him, inviting Brian over.
Brian quickly switched seats and swallowed to fight his nerves. They each pulled out their books and prepared for class, then sat and waited.
"Sorry about yesterday." Larry apologized.
"No, it was my fault. I should have told you from the beginning."
"Yeah, you should have, but I can see why you didn't... So are you really friends with him?"
"I don't know. I consider him my friend but I haven't talked to him since Saturday so I don't know what he thinks."
"Some friend." Larry snorted, then smiled. "Sorry."
Brian laughed silently then turned forward as their teacher walked in. "Still friends?" He whispered. He saw Larry nod out of the corner of his eye and smiled.
~~~~~
Allison walked into her fourth period class as apprehensively as she had her others. No one recognized her until she sat in her usual seat, or answered during roll call. She was like a totally different person but somehow she couldn't fully step out of the role cast to her by her schoolmates. If she walked into a room full of strangers in a new class, they might treat her as an equal, but here everyone knew who she was and treated her as they always had despite the changes in appearance.
As class rolled by she sketched out a picture of the school on fire, because Mr. Hashimoto was sure to love it, and took notes in the margins. She'd decided that she would definitely talk to Andrew today, decked out and looking inconspicuous enough that he could talk to her without worry. Unlike yesterday she was actually excited by the prospect of seeing him again.
When the bell finally rang her bag was already packed and she ran for the door. It was a short walk down the hall and a flight of stairs, then she was in the gym wing. She always passed through there as a shortcut to her class to avoid the crowds and that habit was paying off now.
She looked ahead and caught sight of the jocks who were starting to gather, but Andrew wasn't there yet. Allison quickly slowed her pace, then stopped and pretended to tie her shoe lace. She'd rushed down there and ended up being too early.
Her plan was to walk up casually, and just say hi and she passed by. Anything more than that would be too conspicuous and he might think she went out of her way to see him. That was why she couldn't let his friends see her waiting.
She considered going back to the stairs she had come down, and waiting a few minutes, but before she'd decided, Andrew came into view, walking with two of his friends.
'Here we go.'
She did her best to walk casually, but she knew there was too much of a "bounce" to her step. With a deep breath she caught his eye and smiled.
"Hey Andy."
She kept walking by. 'Keep it casual.'
"Oh hey!"
Allison couldn't believe it, he was calling her back. She turned around slowly. Casual seemed to be the only word or thought her brain could offer up. He was walking towards her, giving his friends a quick wave so they would go on without him.
"Hey." He greeted.
"Hey."
"Umm, I'm sorry but I need my patch back."
"Huh?" She blinked at him in confusion. What was this so suddenly?
"The one you took, I uh- I need it back."
"Oh..." This was what he wanted her for? To take the patch back? To take back everything?
He looked at her hopefully, trying to avoid a drawn out conversation out in public.
"Okay." She agreed in a whisper.
Andrew smiled. "Really? Thanks. I was worried you wouldn't be cool with it."
She nodded silently and turned away to hide her face. "I have to get to class."
"Sure. Catch you later?"
With a nod she started walking away and listened for the sound of the stairwell door, signaling that he'd gone.
Once she was out of sight, Allison ran to the fourth floor and down the hall, her high tops snapping against the linoleum floor. She didn't stop until she'd reached the bathroom that she knew would be empty. The room looked half finished, with it's sloppy tiling and dripping exposed pipes. No one ever used it if they didn't have to.
She was crying now and she couldn't take it. She'd put so much effort into doing everything right, to keep herself from being rejected, but he still turned on her so casually. That was the worst part, how he didn't seem to care or realize that he'd hurt her feelings.
Now fuming with embarrassment and anger she turned the faucet so that the water pounded out at full blast. She threw her hands into the sink and cupped the water, splashing it on her face and rubbing it vigorously.
'Fuck this.'
She spent the rest of the period removing any traces of makeup from her face and neck. She ran wet hands through her hair repeatedly until it lost it's "fluff" and hung flat and messy, blocking her eyes.
'I can't believe I was so stupid.'
She took her sweater out of her bag and put it back on. It was unusually warm that day, especially on the top floor, but it covered the bright cheery clothes she had on. Rifling through the bag she searched for a different skirt to wear but found nothing.
'Dammit. I'm stuck like this now.'
She stepped out into the hallway and glanced in either direction. No one was around.
It took her awhile to make her way down to the cafeteria. She stopped to glance in a few classrooms to observe the people who refused to let her fit in. If they were all so shallow as to judge people by appearance, why couldn't they change their minds in the same way?
After she reached to first floor she stood around waiting. From outside the cafeteria she could see Bender sitting on one of the tables with three other guys. A couple of girls sat on the bench of the opposite table talking to them and laughing.
Allison glanced at the teacher watching the entrance and saw he was talking to someone distractedly. She walked in being sure not to look in his direction. The guy didn't notice a thing. She smiled cockily and walked out and back in once more for the heck of it, the headed in Bender's direction.
She sat a few seats down and glanced over, trying to hear what they were talking about. On Sunday it had occurred to her that Andrew was the least likely person for her to associate with. She was an outcast like Brian, and rebellious like John. It made more sense for her to try to fit in with them.
She was surprised to find that John had noticed her. He said something to his friends then walked across the tabletop towards her. From the other end of the cafeteria a teacher whistled and yelled for him to get down. He winked in the teachers general direction and hopped down, then trotted over to Allison.
"What happened to you?" He asked, flicking her wet hair joking. She glared at him sarcastically but smiled despite herself.
"I didn't want to be like them."
Bender nodded a few times. "Too hard to be a princess? I'm sure the prep club will be devastated."
"Totally."
"Yo Bender!" One of the guys called.
John waved his friends off for the moment.
"Go ahead." Allison told him. "The bell's gonna ring soon anyway and I can talk to Brian."
"You sure? I'm supposed to be in math right now so I'm not above skipping class." He laughed.
"Yeah, I'm sure."
He shrugged roughly then headed off, her gaze hot on his back. He was an ass, he made rude comments and didn't show a huge amount of compassion, but there was still something nice about him. Allison got the feeling that he understood her well. Well enough at least.
The bell rang a few minutes later and to avoid suspicion she left with everyone else. She followed close behind Bender's group to hear if he said anything about her that might reveal whether or not he was just humoring her, but it never came up. At the second floor she broke off from the mass of students and walked to the next set of steps and back down. Once in the cafeteria, she did her best to find the seat she'd sat at the day before and waited for the other students to arrive.