Don't You

Chapter Six: Vanity and Security

Claire glanced down the stairs at Bender who was walking up with some friends. She had never known he was in the same lunch as her until that day. During the period a teacher standing behind her had blown a whistle that rattled her ear drums. When she looked up she saw Bender jumping off a table at the teachers command.

Now, with her friends, there was nothing she could do beyond looking over the siderail as they made their way up. She watched him walk out onto the third floor just before she reached the fourth and headed to her English class.

While Ms. Farelli droned on about subtleties created with the use of foreign words in english text, Claire gazed out the window. The sun was shining brightly like it had when they'd left detention. In that memory, it was an almost liberating light that shone through the windows, casting shadows through their desks.

She wanted to walk out right then and go find John, but that was foolish thinking and she knew it. Her little fantasies of forsaking her friends for a whirlwind romance were just that; fantasy. In reality she'd be tortured by people who once respected her, and for what? A boyfriend who'd already made it clear that he wasn't a one-woman kind of guy. The guy who simultaneously made her cry and smile. A criminal with no future. The only guy to reach her heart.

She was going through the same deliberation as that morning...and the night before...the day before...Saturday, in the car, moments after leaving. No matter how hard she rationalized everything out, she couldn't make a decision. She didn't even know what she was deciding on. Whether she could stand up to her friends? If he was worth it? If he'd do the same? If he thought she was worth it? Would it work? For every fact she had ten questions and more speculation.

~~~~~

Allison was standing inside her seventh period class, just inside the doorway. She still hadn't decided whether or not she'd go through with meeting Claire's friends after what had happened. She was a wreck, even moreso than usual, and she didn't feel like making "friends" with any more snobby people who would turn on her at a moments notice.

She could hear Claire and her friends out in the hall chatting. They passed her classroom and peeked in so Allison quickly flattened herself against the wall to keep them from seeing her. They lingered there briefly and she was aware that her behavior must have seemed peculiar to her classmates. What did it matter though? They all thought she was a freak anyway.

A few minutes later the bell rang and she took her seat, cautious to be sure the bubbly socialites weren't still looking. Lunch with Brian was enjoyable, and Bender was willing to talk to her without first prettying her up. She decided she didn't need the Shermer high society students to like her. Not if it meant not being herself.

~~~~~

Claire saw John again after school in the parking lot. She was getting a ride home from Jennifer and he was waiting a few cars down. Their eyes caught for a minute and he stared at her with his mouth slightly open as if he had stopped mid-breath, though she could have been idealizing the situation. She returned the stare until Jen asked her to move out of her way so she could get in to the car. By the time she was seated and buckling her seat belt, they were pulling out of the lot and he was out of sight.

That was two days in a row that she had run into someone from detention in the parking lot. Would Allison be there tomorrow? Well, even if she did it wouldn't count since they were supposed to meet up anyway. In fact Claire still wasn't sure what had gone wrong earlier.

Oddly enough Claire did see Allison walking on the way home. She immediately told Jen and asked if they could give her a ride.

"That freak?" Jen was watching Allison and obviously recognized her. "No way. She is not getting in my car."

"Oh come on. She really nice. Just let her in. She's coming with us on Saturday anyway."

"Yeah, sure. In your car. And... I may not come anyway."

"Jen." She whined. "That's totally not fair." They'd already passed Allison but if they were going to hang out together at all, Claire needed to convince her friends to accept her and not just shun them both.

"Look, she needs help. I mean you saw how she was dressed and all. She needs a good shopping trip and a serious makeover."

Jen pouted so Claire pushed more.

"It'll be fun. You want to be a beautician, right? Imagine the credibility you'd get for revamping her look."

"That is true..." She pondered for a bit. "I guess it'll be okay."

"Thanks." Claire smiled. All she had left to do was to make sure Allison was still coming. She seemed a little hesitant about meeting "the girls" so soon(or at least Claire assumed that was the reason she had bailed), so maybe she just needed a day or two to prepare.

~~~~~

The next day Claire met up with Andy in the morning to ask about Allison. When he told her that she passed by him before fifth period, it was the perfect opportunity to catch up with her. Since she had lunch then it would be the ideal time the grab her and talk for a minute without worrying about getting to class.

When she caught up with her friends at their lockers, Jen was telling them about the plan for Saturday.

"Are you talking about the girl with the dirty hair? She like always wears black and never talks?"

"That's the one."

"Oh my god!" Ashley exclaimed. "She's in my history class. She's disgusting with a capital D. You know she's always getting called to Hashimoto's office."

"Really?"Mary asked. "She must be a major psycho."

"She's not that bad." Claire told them. Then, realizing that comment could make them compare her to Allison, she added "She just need some work."

"A lot of work." Jen corrected. She then regaled them with her plan to spruce up Allison to make her look good, but not too good as to outshine them. Then they could unveil the results of their project to the rest of the world on Monday. Eventually they all agreed to it.

It wasn't exactly how Claire'd planned it, and Allison's reputation was in fact being knocked down a bit throughout their discussions, but it was the best she could expect, given the circumstances.

~~~~~

Come fourth period, Allison was planning a new route to class, while Claire contemplated the best way to the boys gym. It was pointless, Allison realized, to try avoiding him when his patch was tucked snugly in her pocket. Until she handed that over, she couldn't be free of him.

She still couldn't believe the first guy she'd fallen for was the one she was running from. She wasn't one for romance novels and the like; instead she preferred fantasy novels and fairy tale stories, where the prince and princess were in the love from the start and stayed that way, happily ever after.

But while Andy was a prince in Shermer high, she was no princess. She was more like the stable girl, mucking out stalls. There was no way that would work out.

Hiding in the world of fantasy worked to separate her from the pain of neglect, but it wouldn't work now. She had no choice but to face Andrew and the fact that her worst fears were being realized.

With a sigh she slid forward to let her chin rest on the desk. She'd missed chemistry twice this week already. Hopefully things would go smoothly enough and she wouldn't miss it again today.

"I don't want to be alone anymore."

"You don't have to be."

Allison woke and realized she'd fallen asleep in class. Thankfully the teacher hadn't noticed, or didn't care.

It was hard to believe that she and Andrew had spoken those words just a few days ago after what had happened the day before. He seemed so kind and like he truly cared, but like everyone else in her life, his affection was short lived.

~~~~~

"I just have to see someone." Claire explained to Kate as she tried to make it to where Andrew would be waiting. "I swear I'll meet you in the cafeteria, okay?"

"Sure, whatever." The brunette responded. "So what is it, some hot guy you're keeping from us?"

"Of course not" she smiled, although the thought had passed her mind to find Bender before meeting with her friends. "It's really no big deal. Just something I have to take care of."

With a quick good-bye Kate took off down the hall while Claire ran in the other direction, hoping to make it before Allison. Andy promised to rush there himself since he had to talk to her as well.

In what had to be record time she made it to the recluded wing and walked towards the members of the wrestling team that were gathering. She took a quick breath before she'd come into their view and now walked over calm and composed.

"Hey." She wasn't speaking to anyone in particular since, even though she recognized some, she didn't know them. A few said hi in return and she smiled lightly. 'Perfect' she thought of her performance and ability to always appear sweet and poised.

Even though they criticized her for it, John, Brian and Allison didn't understand how hard it was to maintain her image. Constant primping, the right amount of manners and morals, always staying on top of the latest trends, and just the right sex appeal.

Did it really make her a tease if she tried to look attractive while never acting on the attraction? She always avoided topics of sex and answered questions vaguely with her friends. Allison was right, it was a "double-edged sword." She didn't know the meaning of the phrase but Allison's explanation was enough. Slut or prude, neither one was good.

Andrew came up suddenly and stood alongside her, watching the hallway. A minute or so later Allison came in from the stairs and immediately looked at them.

'What's Claire doing here?' She thought, feeling her heart pound. Being rejected by Andy was bad enough, but to have Claire there watching was even worse. 'Just make it fast.'

Allison reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the patch, running her thumb over the embroidery. She smiled with effort and handed it off to Andrew, then kept walking.

Andy and Claire each exchanged glances. "Should we follow her?" Claire asked.

"No. It's a clean break. Just let it be."

He was right. Her idealic thinking had her trying to force her world and theirs together, while Andy remained levelheaded and separate. To her knowledge, he hadn't spoken to anyone beyond her since Saturday and she should have been doing the same thing. But, hadn't she managed to get her friends to accept Allison for their trip? Couldn't she logically continue having successes like that? If things got hairy, and her place in school was threatened, she could always back out, but she had to at least try.

While Andrew left with his friends, Claire ran in the direction she'd seen Allison go. After a few minutes of checking hallways though, she had to give up.

'This is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm doing this for people so below me.'

On her way to the cafeteria, she suddenly remembered John. 'Okay... If I find him and we're cool, I'll keep trying. But if not... That's it.'

In the lunch room she carefully avoided her table and made her way to the back of the cafeteria. She located a few tables occupied by burnouts and rebels, but no sign of Bender. She didn't know who his friends were to ask, or she might have found out he was actually in class. It was a waste of time anyway. Everyone around her was with their own group and she had no reason to be any different.

She walked over to where the rest of the "richies" sat and joined them, making sure to tell Kate she was there.

"See, I promised." She teased.

"Promised what?" Mary asked from a few seats down.

"For some reason Miss Claire couldn't walk with me today." Kate told her. Claire had to laugh.

"Oh come on. I told you I had to take care of something, and now I'm here, as promised."

"I still think you were meeting up with a guy."

"A guy? Claire?" Cynthia, a senior, spoke up. Claire just smiled, suggesting a kind of "maybe I did, maybe I didn't" response that was always appropriate in these situations.

"What does it matter anyway. It didn't work out." She told them. That was her stance on her relationship with any of the members of "the breakfast club." She tried, no one else did, so no one could fault her now. "So, I think I better eat my lunch before it's too late." She pulled out her food, gave a quick smile, and began to eat.

~~~~~

Allison was sitting in the back of chemistry, gouging the top of the desk with her pen. The ink was no longer running since the ball was now backed up with scrapings from the desk, but it didn't matter. She wasn't writing or drawing anything in particular; it just felt good to run along the grooves and feel like she was making some headway, unlike in her life.

She could have stayed and said something. Told him off for being so cold-hearted. But what good would that do beyond embarrassing them both? Even if Andrew had hurt her, Allison had no desire to do the same in return. She wanted to hang on to the hope that things might work out between them, but the cynic in her prevented that. Her old way of living had been so much easier, and she was slipping back into hiding. Hiding. Staying quiet. You couldn't get hurt if you went by unnoticed.

"Ms. Reynolds."

She looked up at her teacher, Ms. Kralky, and suddenly realized how easy it was to see what she was doing.

"May I ask what it was that was so important you had to share it with the world by carving it into your desk?"

A few of the students laughed and she realized all eyes were on her. She instinctively lowered her head to hide.

"Ms. Reynolds!" The teacher demanded. "You can hide your face from me all you like, but as you should be well aware, it won't keep me from handing out punishment. I'll see you after school where you'll spend your time cleaning every single one of the desks in this room."

Allison glared at the woman through her bangs, but remained silent. It was humiliating, but they'd turn away if she stayed there long enough.

After a few seconds Ms. Kralky continued with the lesson but a few students still stole glances in her direction. She stared blankly at one of them until he turned away, whispering to the person next to him.

It was strange how everyone in the school strove to be the same; to fit in, but it didn't get them any notice. If you were to ask someone in the class "Remember the guy with Bugle Boy shirt?" they'd probably tell you no. But ask about the girl who wears seven layers of clothes, even in the summer, and they'd be able to say yes years down the line. So maybe being so different and unusual wasn't so bad after all. She'd gotten by fine and, despite some feelings of doubt and loneliness over the years, she never really thought to change. It wasn't until Saturday, when she'd felt "accepted," that she began to question herself.

If it wasn't for Saturday, she would never have changed, and now she resolved to act as if that detention never happened, because that change was causing nothing but problems for her. She'd ignore the people she'd met, except for Brian who was truly kind, and go back to her old life.

'But what about my parents? Things are finally changing with them.'

That was a good change, and she'd continue trying to work on that for the time being. If she could make her life at home more satisfying, it would be easier to get through two more years of monotony.

~~~~~

At the end of the day Claire's father was waiting outside. She heard the BMW beep as she was walking by and nearly jumped.

"What are you doing here Dad?" she asked through the open window.

"I finished up early so I could take you out to dinner tonight pumpkin. So come on, I'll take you shopping until you're ready to eat."

That would be the perfect distraction for her. A little shopping, buy some new clothes, maybe some jewelry, and then a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant with no reminders of the past few days.

"Okay, sure." Claire turned back around to her friends who were waiting to walk to their cars. "I've got a ride, so see you tomorrow."

She slid into the apolstered seat and slammed the door shut, then pulled on her seat belt As her father pulled down the drive, she flipped down the passenger mirror and pulled out a stick of lip gloss.

"Now you know my policy on makeup in the car."

Claire smiled snidely out the window and put it away. "Geez it's just gloss Daddy. I'm not gonna draw on the windshield with it or anything."

"I know sweetheart, but rules are rules."

Her father had a thing about using anything remotely messy in the car. He loved it too much, she thought, and went out of his way to protect it. Premium gasoline, despite the cost; never let anyone drive it but himself; he even put one of those welcome mats in the garage next to it's space so that he could wipe his feet before getting in.

"So where were you last night?" Claire asked, not looking over. He'd called the night before and told her he would be in the office till late. He never came home.

"Oh, you know. Things were so hectic I decided to stay and sleep in the office. I'm sorry I couldn't be home, but I was able to get caught up enough to spend the evening with you."

He rubbed her knee in that fatherly way and she shifted her leg slightly. She knew something was up and he was trying to buy his way into her good graces. She was tempted to tell him that they should just go home for dinner, but as long as he was willing to throw money her way, she might as well take advantage of it.

She felt a little guilty, like she was betraying her mother, but Mrs. Standish wasn't innocent in all of this either. Her constant beratement and demanding manner had driven her husband out of the house on more than one occasion. In fact Claire was the only innocent in the matter, at least in her mind.

They stopped by a few retail stores and jewelry departments where Claire looked more than she bought, though she was careful to pick out a pair of diamond earrings. "Don't you already have one in that style?" he'd asked. She denied it and picked up the pair to replace the one that was sitting incomplete at home. As soon as she'd gotten home on Saturday she'd pulled off the remaining diamond and put it in the bottom of her jewelry box under the liner, along with the silver lightening bolt she'd gotten in place of the other stone.

Around 7:00 they pulled into the parking lot of a new french restaurant. Her father tossed the valet a few dollars and the doorman got a twenty, prompting him to pull the father and daughter ahead of the line.

"So, wine or champaign?" Mr. Standish asked as they were seated.

"I'm only sixteen." She laughed genially.

"Yes, of course." He cleared his throat embarrassingly. She thought he'd been joking, since she never had alcohol except on special occasions, but had he actually forgotten her age? "So..." he interrupted, "Chicken Cordon Bleu ?"

"No. I kind of want something light tonight. Maybe grilled mahi mahi with a small portion of foie gras."

"Whatever you want honey."

She nodded quietly. There was a gentle atmosphere in the restaurant of hushed voices and light music, accentuated by the sound of silverware hitting ceramic china. It was a welcome change to the silent tension of home and the hectic clamor of school, made even more obtrusive after the events of Saturday.

~~~~~

"I'm home."

Allison walked through the first floor, eager to get upstairs and change. She could hear mingled voice in the living room, and had she been in better spirits she might have attempted to join them, but that wasn't the case today. Her arms were sore from scrubbing and her head was pounding. She quickly withdrew to her bedroom and proceeded to undress. Her body felt heavy so she chose to wear only a long sleeved T-shirt over her underwear. She pulled on a pair of black and white socks for warmth and left the room.

Damned if they had company; she was in no mood to impress them and she didn't care if they saw her: hair messy, face puffy, her pale legs showing half past her thighs. Besides the odds of them entering the kitchen were slim.

Her feet padded across the bleach white tile floor and she pulled open the fridge. Taking out a jar of jelly she closed it and moved to the closet, pulling out a bag of marshmallows. She poured a few in a bowl and scooped some of the jelly on top, then put the jar away. On top of that she added Frosted Flake cereal, and finally milk.

Allison glanced slowly down the hall, then made her way back upstairs. They were probably enjoying poached salmon and asparagus or some equally "tasteful and adult" food. Her lip crinched at the thought. What interest was there in eating such tired fare?

In her room she ate and left the bowl on her dresser to take down in the morning. Sleep suddenly overcame her and she drifted to her bed, the sound of her parents guest still echoing in the walls. She was where she belonged, apart from them, and it would stay that way. Tomorrow was a new day with little promise, and she was fine with that.