Note: The site has been down for so long. I am so glad it's up again. I was going into withdrawal. So, here it is. Enjoy!
Chapter Nine – Don't Think About Tomorrow
March 2005
"Oh, come on. Not now," she grumbled to herself.
Not that she could avoid this. It was something that she had enjoyed doing each and every day for over seven months. She had interrupted packing for this. She would need to do this anyway before she got on the road. Looking around, Faith contemplated her life. This room held a lot of memories, most of them good. There were few places in her life that held good memories. There were few people that had given her good memories.
She sighed as she sat rocking back and forth. Angel had been serious when he said that she had a job to do and no one else could do it. What she didn't understand was why it had to be her? Didn't everyone realize that she was retired? No more slaying for the ex-con from Boston.
But this wouldn't be like any other time. This time it would hurt like no other. So she'd run and avoid it. Caring about Angel and the others had cost her so much. But they'd given her so much in return. Wes had given her so much in return. And she would never forget that.
What she wouldn't do right then to have him tell her what to do this one time. It would be a pleasure to actually listen to him for once. But he couldn't tell her what to do because he was dead. She knew that; Angel had confirmed it for her. So why was that making her task that much harder?
Finishing with her other, more fulfilling job, she finished packing and carted the stuff down the stairs, throwing it in the old, beat up car she had saved for over the last several months. It wasn't much to look at, but it ran well. Darcy had seen to that herself.
Should she tell Darcy that she was leaving? It would break the old woman's heart. But she didn't want anyone hurting Darcy on her account. Running back up the stairs, she retrieved the last of her possessions that she could take on short notice. Hauling her last bundle down, she whispered goodbye as she placed everything else on the backseat.
Tears streamed down her face as she drove out of town. Faith didn't exactly know where she was going, only far away from her new life. The snow had been cleared from the road, thank goodness, making the driving a little easier. Her headlights shown brightly in the distance, few cars passing her on this back, out of the way road. That's why she had chosen it for her getaway. No one would travel this road unless they were local.
All of a sudden, a man appeared out of nowhere, making her skid to a halt just inches from colliding with him. Taking short breaths, she started to drive away, hoping that whoever he was, he wasn't hurt. A tapping at her window startled her. Looking over her shoulder, her breath came out of her with a whoosh as she recognized who it was. Her hands fell away from the steering wheel, clutching on the dagger that sat on the seat beside her.
November 2003
"You tired?" Faith asked as they sped down the highway.
The clunker of a truck ran well, even though it was ghastly to look at from the outside. And the gas mileage really wasn't great, but with the last withdrawal from his account, they were sure to have enough money to pay for it along with any food and lodging they needed before they arrived in Los Angeles.
He hadn't stopped after the last problem at the last motel. Wesley wanted to get as much distance between them and the demons that seemed to be hunting them. He and Faith had traded driving responsibilities once already. She just had awoken from a nap, stretching her body taut to get the blood flowing. Just like what he needed to do before his leg fell asleep.
"A little."
He had to be honest with her. She was in this up to her neck, just like he was.
"I'll take over, if you want," she softly told him.
The sound of her voice made his blood pump a little faster. Why was she having that effect on him now? Maybe because she had always had that effect on him, and now he was admitting to it. Even in Sunnydale, she had that effect on him, which was why he tried to woo Cordelia instead. He thought that she would make him forget about Faith. Then Faith went rogue, ending that association. And the torture surely didn't help matters. It ruined his lust for her quickly. But seeing her trying to redeem herself put the idea back in his mind that she was more than special.
Faith worked her hand over to his on the seat, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles gently. Her hands could make a master vampire groan in pain. Why did it cause his insides to turn to jelly? Maybe because strong women made him feel that way. Cordelia, Buffy, even Fred had that effect on him. They were much stronger, braver than he would ever be. Faith was in good company.
"Awfully quiet over there."
"I'm contemplating strategy."
"Another phrase for I don't know what the fuck to do."
"Exactly."
Faith laughed a little, still making circles on his hand. They hadn't gotten to go any further than the incident earlier in the car, which was making him antsy and horny beyond belief. He realized that Faith knew that too, which was why she was trying to drive him insane with her touching.
"Pull over, babe. You need to rest too."
"Oh, alright," he agreed.
Driving over to a dark spot along the roadside, he unbuckled his seatbelt.
"Just slide and I'll crawl over you. Too freakin' cold out there to get out."
That meant that Faith would brush up against him, revealing to her how much he wanted her. That was probably why she wanted to do it in the first place. As he inched over the large seat, Faith stood and scooted over. Only she didn't make it to the steering wheel. She turned around and straddled his lap, definitely finding out how much he wanted her.
"And it's nice and warm in here," she purred to him as she bit down on his earlobe.
"Maybe this isn't such a great idea," he told her, hoping that she would sway him to her way of thinking.
"No demons around. Just you and me."
Yes, he thought, just Faith and he and all the mistakes and issues surrounding both of them. He couldn't ignore all that had happened between them. Faith went on physical, while he thought about things. Maybe he thought about things way too much and should adopt Faith's attitude. If he wanted, he should very well just take it, just as long as no one got hurt.
As she dove in for a kiss, he tried to stop thinking about the past. Thinking about what he had done roared through his mind the last couple of hours. He couldn't escape it. It just kept festering until he knew he would burst without telling her.
"Faith?" he whispered as she started unbuttoning his shirt.
"Yeah, hon."
"I need, could we, oh damn."
Faith stopped what she was doing to look at him straight in the eyes.
"Do you not want to?" she almost cried out to him.
He could see the tears forming in her eyes. Hurting her wasn't what he wanted to do.
"I do. Very much so."
"Just not with me," she said, disappointed.
"With you, many, many times."
"Then what?"
Would she understand all the feelings that wanted to burst forth and overwhelm him? She had hurt people who had tried to love and accept her, scared of people actually getting close to her. He had killed the one person who he had hated for his whole life, the one person that he had tried to earn acceptance from to have it thrown back in his face.
"I killed my father."
Faith's eyes went wide. "What?"
"I, wait, let me start again. I thought I killed my father."
"You either killed him or you didn't." Faith backed up from him a little.
"I did. I mean, it wasn't him. It was some cyborg replica of him. I thought it was he. I truly wanted it to be him."
"Oh, God, Wes. I'm so sorry."
She was sorry for him? Didn't she realize how what he did was so wrong? How much he wanted the man to die for treating him so cruelly when he was a child?
"What happened?"
"He came to visit. Belittled me, made me feel just like I did when I was a child. So when he threatened people, I shot him. Only it was a cyborg." He left the Fred part out on purpose.
"So you didn't know it was a cyborg?"
"No. Not until after I shot him."
Faith placed her forehead against his. "He hurt you. Made you feel like you didn't matter. Probably ignored you. Make you do things that you couldn't do, just so you would fail, just to hit you. Made you go hungry just to punish you."
The look in Faith's eyes frightened him, because he knew that she just wasn't talking about his childhood. He knew that she came from a broken home, that her father was absent from her life. But the files that he read about her were obviously not complete. Or he just hadn't read them close enough.
"Yes, he did."
"He deserved it," she told him vehemently.
"He is still my father."
"I know. But sometimes you just wish for it to happen, even though it isn't right. Right?"
Faith was asking him whether killing a parent who was abusive was right or not? Had she done something dreadful in her past too?
"Faith, did something happen?"
"If you're asking, no, my mother took care of that herself with the alcohol and drugs. I just watched as she wasted away. I never knew my father. Probably a good thing, since my mother's taste in men wasn't exactly great."
Good, he thought. She hadn't had to make that choice, the one that he had to save Fred's life.
"When did she die?"
"About a year before my first watcher found me. I was on the streets after it happened. Luckily I could defend myself."
His heart broke. She had been homeless after her mother died. The files on her were woefully inadequate. And her story made him feel like the incident with his father wasn't as important as it once was.
"I never knew."
"Don't worry about it. It happened. It's in the past. Just like what happened with your father is in the past. When did you shoot that cyborg?"
"A little over a week ago."
"Damn. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Never the right time, I guess."
"So you figured that now was as good a time as any?"
Not exactly a good time when a willing woman was straddling his lap. But she had broken through his defenses, so now was as good a time as any.
"Guilt, pure and simple."
"No guilt," she said as she lightly kissed his lips.
"How can I not feel any guilt?"
"Because it's over with. And you survived. And you're here now with me."
Which probably wasn't the best of choices. He knew he should have stayed in Los Angeles to deal with the problem. But he ran instead.
"There's no fathers, no friends, no badness, no Angel, no Buffy, not anyone but us. Right here, right now."
Faith gently placed another kiss on his lips, drawing a sigh from him. He relaxed into the seat, letting her rub her fingers through his hair. It eased the heartache that he felt for all that he had done. No, he couldn't change what he did. But he could change how he now felt. The guilt would go away with time. Right now, he just wanted to feel.
Reaching up, he pulled her head down to place a searing kiss on her lips. Faith moaned in pleasure as he thrust his tongue inside of her mouth. Without breaking the kiss, Faith shimmied out of her pants, returning to his lap. He groaned as she bit into his neck lightly. Grabbing her hips, he pulled her hard against him, wanting to feel her softness, to lose himself in it.
Faith panted as he moved his hands over her body. Unhooking her bra, he shoved her top up and dove in to place more kisses and bites everywhere. She was busy herself touching him in as many places as she could reach. When they came together, he let her set the pace. He would have thought that she would have wanted to end their coupling quickly. But she took her time driving him crazy. As he screamed her name in release, she smiled, and then did the same. Taking him in her arms, she buried her head against his, not wanting for him to see the tears that she shed for him and herself.
"I didn't mean to make you cry," he whispered into her hair.
"Not crying. Just resting is all."
His wet shoulder and neck didn't believe that. Faith always wanted to be tough and in charge. Now all she could be was a woman who had been hurt, badly. He just hoped that he didn't compound that hurt she felt.
"We should get moving," he finally said as he stroked a finger down her back.
"Yeah," she replied, not looking at him in the darkened interior.
He almost groaned when he realized that he'd forgotten an important thing in their coupling. He had promised himself long ago to never bring children into his world. And he just forgot his number one rule when with a woman. Faith didn't seem bothered by the fact that they hadn't used protection. She was slowly sliding up her pants, trying to avoid his glances of worry.
"Faith, I . . . ," he started.
"Save it. I'm tired, Wes," she said with finality.
Faith couldn't believe that he was regretting everything that they had just shared. She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was going to tell her that he had made a huge mistake by having sex with her in the truck. So she stopped him with a terse comment. Better to head him off at the pass then deal with the repercussions later.
So they drove in silence until the sun started peaking over the horizon behind them. The air outside was downright frigid, as was the air inside the truck. Neither talked or even gestured toward the other. And Faith thought it was for the best. If they broke off whatever they were doing now, then the heartachewould be easier to handle.
"We should eat," Wesley finally spoke up.
"Yeah," Faith answered, not wanting to say more.
Faith could practically hear Wesley grinding his teeth over across the way. She really didn't have the strength to verbally spar with him without food and coffee in her stomach.
Rolling to a stop, Wesley exited the truck before she could. Slowly, she gathered herself up and out of the truck only to come face-to-face with him as she planted her feet on the ground.
"Something wrong?" she asked.
Wesley moved to within inches of her. He tipped her chin up to meet his stormy eyes.
"Don't shut me out."
Faith swallowed hard, not wanting him to see the emotions playing across her face. She wasn't good at hiding the fact that she hurt. Learning to talk and to listen to others was hard for her to do. Could she at least try with him, the person she had found that to be the hardest to deal with back in Sunnydale?
Taking a deep breath, she decided to tell him the truth, or what she thought was the truth. "It's hard to not shut you out. I'm tryin' here."
Wesley placed a small kiss on her forehead. That gesture almost had her crying in his arms. Even with the comfort and friendship that the Scoobies had given her over the last couple of months, she still had a hard time accepting that people wanted to be close to her. A hug from Buffy would send her scurrying for cover. Making love to this man had her diving off the deep end for sure.
"I know. Tell you what? We'll just think about today. Not tomorrow, nor the next. One day at a time. No one else."
That sounded good to her. Their little trip would be their little secret. No one had to know what they were doing or saying. It made her feel a little more secure.
"OK, but I get pancakes."
Wesley laughed out loud at her pronouncement. She truly felt that he should laugh more. The man certainly needed it after the hellish time he had so far with her.
"As many as you want. I just might join you."
"Don't strain yourself, watcher. You might get fat."
"Never will happen. Not even with those breakfasts I used to eat when I was a child. The calories would send Americans running for cover."
"You've been living in California too long."
"True," he answered.
Hand in hand, they walked into the diner, sitting side by side. Their elbows kept hitting as they were eating since they were sitting so close together. But it felt great to have someone who actually cared about her sitting beside her.
After finishing their meal, they headed back outside to climb into the truck. Just outside were a pack of kids roaming around, throwing snowballs this way and that. Wesley and Faith almost got caught in the crossfire as the kids attacked each other as they ran down the street to the park across the way.
Wesley slowly bent down and picked up a big ball of snow and proceeded to methodically make it into a ball. As he turned to her, a grin spread across his face.
"Oh, no you don't," she told him as she slowly moved away from him.
Cocking his elbow back, he let the snowball fly to hit her directly in the chest.
"Bullseye," he called out.
"That better not be where you were aiming."
"I always hit my target, Faith. You know that."
"Prepare to get wet," she told him as she scooped up a handful and ran towards him.
Racing across the street, the two joined in the fight of boys versus the girls with the kids. Faith ran, laughing and screaming as Wesley approached her and tried to put snow down her back. The kids quickly changed the game along with them and got just as wet as the two adults. The kids then left as quickly as they came, with a rush. Faith fell to the soft ground, kicking her legs and arms out to make a snow angel. Wesley looked down at her with a look of confusion.
"Snow angel. Try it."
Wesley fell down beside her, careful not to mess up her creation. He slowly did the same as he saw her do.
"It doesn't have to be perfect, you goof."
As fast as a cat, Wesley pounced on her, rolling her around in the snow. Now all of her was wet and cold, but she wasn't feeling none of that because he had attached his mouth to hers, kissing her to within an inch of her life. She took advantage and plunged her hand down his back with a handful of snow. Screeching, he rolled off of her and stood, laughing as he did. He put his hand down to help her up, pulling her into his arms as he did.
"You're cold," he announced as he felt her shiver in his arms.
"Warm me up?" she challenged.
"People are watching."
"So. Let them."
Wesley touched his cold lips to hers, moaning a little as they both warmed up.
"We should go," he said as he released her mouth from his.
They walked back to the truck arm in arm.
"I will get you back for that," Faith told him as they both climbed into the truck.
"Back for what?"
"The snow."
"Ah. We'll see about that," he said as he flicked a little snow her way.
TBC
Next: Find out who is chasing them. And they're heading to Vegas, baby (joke, OK). Who was Angel referring to? You'll find out in the next chapter.
Author notes: I am in withdrawal. The site not being up for that long really made this harder. I was on a roll. That's why this chapter is so short. And it was a logical break in the action sequence. I hope I didn't make Angel too unsympathetic. He really wants to do the right thing. Everyone wanted to read the NC-17 version of this. It should be posted now on the site that I referred to in my e-mail. If you didn't get that e-mail, it was probably because I didn't have an address. Just drop me a line and I can give you the specifics. And Steph, I lost yours. Please e-mail it to me again. Just so you know, my NC-17 version is not a PWP (porn without plot) chapter. Although these kinds of stories do have their place, that's not what this fic is about. I'm trying to write it like you would read in most romance novels, or women's fiction. Not easy to do. Not too graphic, but enough.
Thanks to: shahid, tp96, Wav, pari106, Illyria639, lovesbitca, Mandie, and everyone else.
Answers to questions:
Shahid—it's more graphic, just not too over the top.
Tp96—it's up through chapter eight on the other site.
Wav—I guess I wasn't descriptive enough or do you think that what happened didn't fit? Just wondering if you think I need to make it clearer.
Pari106—Yes, on Angel. I think Wes is hot, even when he was dork Wes. Is that weird or what?
Illyria639—thanks for the comments.
Lovesbitca—yep, tension between the two does create some great moments. Makes the writing more fun too. Thanks for coming over to read it!
Mandie—as always, thanks!