Chapter 2: Interlude--Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. Murakami-san owns it. Yup. And that's all I have to say.

That's all my words for today, folks. Thank-you notes for the reviews, as well as other issues, are at the end of the chapter. I hope everyone enjoys this installment of Paradise, Chapter 2.

Amidst the dark night, your silhouette haunts me
Scattered by the broken patches of the sky
Cold gales blow, but I am unaffected by them,
The numbness within my heart unfading--

I sighed and flung the offending paper into the nearby garbage can, which landed somewhere in the pile of gathering crumpled sheets. Ugh...I am TOTALLY fed up with trying to create last-minute song lyrics! With this finalized though, I pushed the, 'borrowed,' notebook spiral, (taken without permission, unfortunately), at the foot of the bed and lay back on my pillow.

Damn it...I can't even think straight! I was hoping I could maybe get another song done by tomorrow, before the joint concert with Ryuichi...I guess I just don't have it in me right now, you know?

I may have yelled at Hiro too harshly. He seemed really upset when he left. Well, BIG news flash for you, buddy: just because you THINK I don't know when something's bothering you, doesn't mean I don't!

Hiro, why do you have to be such a martyr and hide all your feelings inside? I mean, he's so smart in some ways, but when it comes to some things...totally clueless and idiotic. I mean, he spends way too much time worrying about everyone else, and not enough on himself!

Huh. Then again, who am I to have the right to complain about him not looking out for his own safety? I can't look after myself either. All I've become is a burden upon everyone...

And I bet tomorrow, I won't even be able to sing. Suguru's gonna be pissed, but right now I don't even give a shit...and I bet Sakano-san's gonna burst a vein trying to get my spirits up tomorrow...

But what's the point in being cheerful anymore? It's not like things are ever going to go back to normal...I can pretend all I want, but no matter how much I try to hide it, everything's gone wrong today. Everything I've done and said today came out wrong, in some way, shape, or form. I've done something to make Yuki really mad, and he kicked me out of the house. Hiro's mad at me, too, and he's probably not going to even think of trying to speak with me tomorrow...and then...there's--

No. I'm NOT going to think of that right now...I should...just try and get some rest, at least...so maybe by tomorrow, I can forget. Forget all of this ever happened...forget that no one wants, 'broken goods...' Forget that anything ever happened tonight at all...

Mentally spent, I pulled the bed sheets up and brought them around my body. The warmth I felt wasn't soothing, however; it taunted me, reminded me that I wasn't warm and happy like these blankets were. It made me realize that, suddenly, the world is cold, dark, and lonely place when you're alone—when no one wants you around, and you just want to lie down and die. When you're kicked to the curb... stepped on...violated...

...No. No, no, no! Stop it! I don't want to remember! Just leave me alone!!

"If the press ever heard about your little affair, they'd bury you in a second...but I hate you so much, I'd still want more."

"Because you make me SICK, you no-talent hack!"

"Thanks for waiting, guys. It's time to earn your money...take care of him."

No...stop it...go away...

I willed the horrible memories to go away as best I could. But I could still feel the clammy hands, covered in grime and sweat and lustful intentions, crawling everywhere. Even trying to make it go away, I could still hear the muffled screams and crying that came from my own throat. I could still hear everything...

I refuse to believe what it really was...I won't say it was, 'rape,' because then it would make it so. Even though, right now...all I'm living in a paradise of nothing but dreams and illusions.

Because, you see, I'm only fooling myself. I want to be like everyone else and live in the material world where what's palpable is real; whatever memorable happens will always stay engraved in your heart; where people can be happy. Happy...happy...what does that mean to me?

You're nothing. You don't need happiness.

Dammit...why the hell can't I be happy?! What is so...so WRONG with me that I don't deserve happiness?! And I'm NOT being selfish...because everyone deserves to be happy, right? Doesn't every person in the world deserve at least that much? Even if they aren't rich, or famous, or even loved...then being happy is the next best thing, right? Why do people need materialistic items like fame, or money, or the biggest estate in the world?

Why can't they just feel blessed and happy with what they were GIVEN, and live on the fact that they have so much already...?

Then again...I know someone who wants everything the world has to offer. But that's just foolish to me now...and I wish I knew why.

Right now, I really want to be back home. Home, lying in my own bed...with the bedroom walls all around me, as if nothing had ever happened. Home, with Yuki, curled up in his arms after we've made love. Home, sitting at the table and eating a quiet dinner...with the one person I care about most.

Yuki....Yuki...the name floats through my mind like a mantra, slowly making me realize something.

I can pretend I don't need other people to live all I want...but in the end, I'm just a fucking liar. Because people that I care about are exactly what I need to survive. My lifeblood.

And suddenly, I was crying again. Because I realized that now, my selfish cruelty distanced me further from everything I loved more than ever.

There you go: the first, though certainly not the last, character interlude of Paradise. Consider this the first step of Shuichi's constant descent into madness...and only the first part of it, that's for sure.

Just as a little side note, by mid-August, I'll be going back to school...my freshman year of high school! I'm a bit nervous and excited, and I might be busier then, (I'm not really sure WHAT to expect, since I'm the oldest in my family. :P), so if there are more sporadic updates, you'll all know why. Nevertheless, I hope to work on this story as much as possible, and...well, I'll do my best, everyone.

Since that's all I really have to say for now, the only thing left to take account for is to say five more words... "See you in Chapter 3!"