Author: Shakia
Spoilers: Not much, a few in season five (the weight part 2 mostly)
Rating: PG13
Authors Notes: Oh my gosh, I'm doing a Beka fic XP But it was really, really fun to do, actually! :3 And, I know, I know, I shoulda been updating on one of my other stories, but I had about thirty minutes of free time on the comp this weekend and after seeing the Weight part 2 again I HAD to write this! There's no (as far as I've seen) Beka fics that go deep into her Seefraness so I couldn't let this plot kitten go....:D -ducks as fruit and tools are thrown at her- So sorry for still not updating guys (curse you real life shakes fist :p), but at least you get to read this Beka fic ;3 Please review to tell me what you thought!!! -bribes-
Alone
None of them have any idea of what I'd been through in those six months. Dyllan, Rhade, everyone's just assuming the worst about me, never once considering what happened, never realizing that my hope had been destroyed. Never thinking of the fact of what I had to deal with in those six months, of the hellish nightmare I lived in. Six months. No matter how many times I tell myself this, I still can't believe it. It feels like so much longer. I swear when I was alone on the Maru I thought it had been years. In the Maru...I think that was one of the very first times I was ever so terrified when on her. Knowing sooner or later I'd run out of food and water and die, horribly. Knowing there was no way to fix her, no where to go. Every passing second driving me further and further insane. None of them can understand what that's like, none of them can know that hell. I saw them sometimes, saw them walking through the ship like ghosts of my memories. I sometimes heard Harper's voice ring through the ship, even more than once saw him with looking up at me warmly, a Sparky clasped in his hand. I was terrified because of it. Terified because I knew I was going insane. I knew that slowly, and eventually I'd drive over the edge, lose myself to insanity's grip.
It hurt the worst seeing Harper. I was so sure that my best friend, the younger brother I never had, was dead. I thought all of them were dead. I was so sure of it and felt more agony, more pain then I knew I even could. That last...the last time I talked to anyone was when I talked with him. Seeing the fear in his eyes, seeing how he knew he was going to die, it terrified me. I was ready to accept dying for them at the time, but I couldn't let my death go in vain. Funny how that seemed to turn out that I was the one alive and they weren't. At least that's what I believed. I missed him more than anyone. Sometimes it really was tempting to give in, allow my brain go to waste, just so I could see his face again. But I stayed strong. I knew he would've wanted me too. Knew they'd all want me too.
Even while I knew this, nothing would bring a relief to my sorrow. My pain. The hell I had to live through in six agonizing months, I had nothing to distract me from it. Every time I went to sleep I saw them. But not as the warm and loving friends they had once been, no, they were pale and almost lifless, blood staining their bodies and their soulless eyes staring up at me accusingly. I've hated sleep ever since then, barley getting any of it anymore. It all hurt so much, it tore me down every passing second of those months. Everyone, everyone I loved, knew, was dead. Just like that. Every moment on the ship I was reminded they were gone. Never for one moment was I not thinking of that fact, never for a moment did I not feel the pain of it eat me alive. I had no one to confide to, no one to turn to. I needed to talk to someone, needed to tell someone. Anyone. So...sometimes I talked to Harper. I went to his quarters and sat on his bed and just talk. I'd tell him how much I missed them, I'd cry and appoligize, I can't even remember how many times, for letting them all die. Especially him. But I never touched the room, never picked up the Sparky cans that littered the floor, never removed any item from the room. I might've been able to sit in that room, despite that I believed it belonged to my former Engineer. Might've been able to remember, might've been able to talk there, but I could never bring myself to go down to the Engineering. That-it was too painful.
Even believing their deaths, even knowing they were dead, I had so much time on my hands. Still a hope in the darkest, farthest regoins of my brain that Abdromeda'd come, swoop down to my rescue existed. I'd sometimes imagine it and it would sometimes comfort me in my darkest moments. I'd imagine our reunion with such longing, and willed it so desperatley to happen. It was one of the only things keeping me going, the only hope I had left. Sometimes I'd even picture him there with them. Imagine Harper giving his cocky smile and saying "Hey boss, long time no see.". But those thoughts would vanish when remembering the truth. Harper was dead. They all were. Too often I found myself losing it by this fact, too often racked with such sorrow it was unbearable. I missed him so much. I missed all of them so much.
Then it happened. I'll never forget that day, never forget how all hope, all of who I was was torn from me at the sight. The Andromeda. At first such happiness and joy flew through me as pictured of our reunion dashed through me mind. I was home, finally after all this time I was home. Everyone was alive, everyone had pulled it off again. I couldn't wait to return to them, couldn't wait to tell them how much I missed them and how sorry I was. They didn't respond to my calls, and though this did concern me, I was just too relieved, too happy to think too much about it and managed to board her. I remember so clearly as I raced down the ramp of the Maru only to stop dead in my tracks at the sight before me. Darkness. Devoid of life, of everything. Silence. So much like the Maru had been, only here, here the walls seemed to scream out at me, the darkness sufocated me, the icolation, lonliness, instead of the horror it had been on the Maru, became so much worse, became the nightmare of all nightmares, hell of all hells. I remember racing through the halls, not knowing up from down, right from left, and screaming their names throughout the halls, begging for someone, anyone to respond. Desperatley pleading for Harper to come out from a conduit, begging Dylan to come out of the shadows, yelling for Trance to appear beside me, screaming for Rhade to find me. I yelled and begged for Andromeda to respond. For anyone to respond. But no one did. No one came out to my rescue. Life loves to torture me, and I have to say, it had a field day that day. It brought my hope back only to have it crushed beyond repair, caused my distress beacon to be found my reapo patrol, and caused me to be captured and tortured. It hurt more than any of them could imagine to have my hope destroyed. Have my heart broken, shattered into thousands of peices for the last time, seeing the sight of Andromeda's lifeless halls, knowing I really was alone. I was alone. There had never been someone looking for me, no one was going to find me. I was alone.
I remember when I first met Jhona. He gave me an offer and I took it. Took it because I had nothing left, no one left. Dylan and the others, they hassle me because of it, look down on me. They think I was playing some rich guy for his money and a ticket to a better life. It hurts that they think of me that way, that they believe I would do something like that. They don't understand that I truley loved him. I didn't act to get in his bed, didn't act when he asked me my opinions, didn't act when I told him I loved him because I really did. He was the first person who I had a conversation with in those six months. It felt so good, felt better than anything in the world to be able to talk to someone. I told him of the hell I went through, and he told me things about himself. I loved Jhona, because he saved me where Andromeda abandoned me long ago. I loved him because I think he loved me back. I loved him because he treated me like an equal and always took my opinions to heart. No one on Andromeda considers this fact, and I know they never will. And that hurts that they would think of me that way. I think that's why I told Dylan things would be different, that I would only do things for him if there was something in it for me. It doesn't matter though, because finally I've figured out how to guard my heart, finally now I can avoid being hurt again. I keep my distance from them, I know, but I can't handle being crushed again. I only adress them as assiociates, I know, but I now realize how foolish I was before and that if I accept them as friends I will be broken again. I'm alone, I know, but if I'm not I will eventually be thrown into an alone abyss again, and if I do, I don't think I'll be able to pull myself out again.
Though I keep friendship with them at bay I still miss them more then anything. I remember everything from the Maru and Andromeda. I remember Harper, my once little brother, Dylan, my captain and one of my best friends, Trance, my lucky charm, and Rhade. I remember them, remember what was once there, but instead of trying to restore something that is long dead leave it to rot, for it's not worth the pain friendships bring. I still feel the pain from those months in the Maru every day. Every time I go to sleep I always end up crying or screaming, their lifeless faces still lingering in my minds eye. I can still feel the horrible sensation of icolation and insanity, I'm still stuck in that abyss. What hurts more is that none of them notice, none of them care. It shouldn't hurt because they're not my friends anymore, they don't know me anymore. But it does. More than I'm willing to admitt. At least Seefra's tought me one thing, something that I should've learned so long ago. You're always alone.
The End
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