As always thanks to those who reviewed, if you haven't please review after so I know what you think about this story. Also as always to my DB crew. You are all awesome so I would like to give you all a "Your Not So Bad After All" award. Enjoy! Thanks as well to Adam who found what this chapter was missing and for my beta who always amazes me!

Disclaimer- the same as the last two weeks, I am still not JK Rowling and I own nothing. Do you really think that will ever change?

Chapter 4: Once upon a dream you were heaven sent to me, was it never meant to be was it just a dream?

She awoke several hours later curled up against the couch. Ron wasn't coming home that night. He had taken time off from work to help with Harry and Ginny's wedding. He had asked her to come but she had told him to make her excuses and tell them she would be there the night before the wedding. He hadn't said anything to that simply nodded and turned away.

She had been doing that a lot lately, pulling away from family and friends. Ron had told her she was coming despondent, maybe she was. After it, happened she didn't want any sympathy and that was all that they could give to her. She hated the looks of pity in their eyes, she hated how the room would get quiet the minute she walked in and everyone would look up and give her a half hearted smile. "They all blame me," she told herself "and with good reason, it was my fault. I was the one responsible that day." To escape this she just stopped going out, she would attend the obligatory functions for work and family but always made excuses to leave early. She pulled farther into herself as each day passed.

She only wanted to forget the pain, so she started working longer and longer hours. She left the house by at least seven every morning and would not return till at least that late at night. In work she found her solace, it was easier to forget when she was away from home, away from Ron. She knew that this was just a cover for the pain; it was still there she just kept pushing it back. When she came home grief always overwhelmed her and when she saw Ron guilt overwhelmed the grief. When she was home she barely spoke to him. It was just better to forget the past two years had ever happened.

She looked around the house again, it was so bare, the walls were empty just a few snap shots from Hogwarts and from immediately after their wedding everything else had been put away. The house was no longer a home it was just four walls. How did she ever let it get it this bad? Why had she let this happen? Ron had been there for her and she had pushed him away. She knew that he needed her; she knew that he wanted her with him but she had chosen to stay away. Deep down she told herself that he really didn't love her anymore, one day he would wake up and realize what she had done. She didn't want to be there when that happened, she couldn't bear to see the pain and hate in his eyes.

Pulling herself off the floor she turned and looked at the clock, quarter past ten, she had been asleep for the last eight hours. The rest had been needed she hadn't been sleeping. When she slept she remembered the nightmares haunted her dreams every night. So she lay awake in bed replaying over and over again the events of the day her world came crashing down. She tried to go back and see what signs she had missed; she knew there had to be some. She also played the what if game- what if I had never left? What if I had insisted that the two of them stay with me instead of going home? What if I had just gone with them? That was the question that bothered her the most. Was it because of her own selfishness that she was in this situation now? She would have given anything to take it back, she wanted to use a time turner again and go back to stop herself. It was unrealistic though. Her life was not going to change.

She wanted it to though. Everyday she looked at the picture hidden in her purse. It was a picture of the three of them at Richard's first birthday party. Ron had Richard with one arm and the other was wrapped around her waist. The three of them were smiling at a face Harry had pulled behind the camera to get Richard's attention. That day she had nothing but hopeful wishes for her son, now they had all been shattered. She should have known that her life had been too perfect. Should have known that something would happen in order to wake her up from the dream. "You still have Ron," a voice deep down told her "He is still here for you, he loves you, and he wants to take care of you. Go to him tonight stop hurting him and yourself."

"No!" she said aloud "It is better this way, we are both going to be happier."

"We are going to be happier!" she repeated.

"You will always love him though," she thought, "that will never change."

Suddenly feeling the confines of the house she knew she had to get away. Harry and Ginny's wedding was in two days. Tomorrow night she would have to be at the Burrow to help with all the last minute details. She didn't want to be there though; she didn't want to be surrounded with happiness when she was so miserable. She had to escape tonight, leave now before anyone could stop her. Flying off the bed she summoned her trunk and began packing haphazardly. She didn't know where she was going but she knew she was not coming back here.

"Accio, album" she called and the photo album she had been looking at all afternoon flew into the room. The decision now was did she take it or leave it? It held so many wonderful memories but they were painful too. She looked through it in the end taking only two pictures: the picture of herself, Ron and Harry in their first year at Hogwarts, and one of her and Ron on their wedding day. Running to the desk she pulled out a piece of paper and began to write a letter to Ron.

Ron,

As you have probably guessed by my trunk being missing and the clothes gone, I have left. I don't want to hurt you anymore and I think that, in the long run, this will be better for the both of us. Please know that none of this was your fault. It was all me, I was the one that let it all fall apart. I am sorry I couldn't do better this time, I am sorry I let you down. If I had just been able to change what happened that day- but no that is in the past now and we both need to start fresh right?

Tell Harry and Ginny that I am sorry. I wish I could be there to see them get married but it is better for all of us if I am not. I wish them nothing but happiness in their lives together and I know that they will find it. Please also tell your family that I thank them for the kindness and generosity they have shown me over the past 14 years. I have always been proud to be a Weasley and I am only sorry that I have brought some shame to the family name.

I have left this album for you in hopes that one day you will be able to remember me fondly again. I have always loved you Ron and will never stop. I think I told myself in my head that if we both loved each other enough that we would be able to conquer anything. Unfortunately, I was not strong enough and forgive me for that.

Please, though I doubt you will listen, promise me that you wont come looking for me. It really is easier if we just let this all go. We can't stop hurting each other this way it has taken a toll on both of us and I don't want it to hurt anymore.

I hope one day you will forgive me,

Hermione

Tears stained the letter as she read it over one more time. Placing both letter and the album on the bed she checked the room one more time and walked out the door.

When she really thought of it there was only one place to go, at least for tonight. She had lost herself in so many memories today it only seemed fitting. She apparated to Hogsmede and after finding lodging she put on her cloak leaving her room for a walk to Hogwarts. This was the one place that she wanted to see before she left. She knew Ron would look for her, it was who he was. So she had decided to leave England all together. Her plan was currently to move to France or even America and live as a muggle. She would be harder to find that way. She could just slip into a new life in either of these places and no one from her past would be able to find her.

She headed up towards the castle reliving more memories each time she passed something. Her first trip here with Ron, the meeting with Rita Skeeter and Harry in the Leaky Cauldron, her first visit to the Shrieking Shack. It was nearing midnight the night was so dark that she could almost feel the shadows of the past creeping up on her.

Reaching the entrance to the Hogwarts grounds she looked up at the castle, it was as if things had never changed. It was like she remembered it, the castle stood out against the sky and she could see a few lights were still on. Since thee term had just started there were probably some late night study sessions taking place, she thought remembering some that she had been a part of. The night was chilly though; she pulled her cloak around her shoulders in order to stay warm and made her way up the hill.

Passing Hagrid's hut she was sad to see how it had fallen into disrepair since his death. More memories flooded back to her then of the nights she, Harry and Ron would sneak off to visit him. Those boys had gotten her to break more school rules than even she liked to admit. Smiling at the memories she thought, "You have to give them credit though. They put up with so much from me. I really wonder how they did it."

She continued her walk up the path and around the lake. She knew that she really wasn't supposed to be here and she worried about what would happen if she were caught. Were there laws against being on school property when you weren't a student, teacher or even an invited guest? As if someone was reading her thoughts she heard movement behind her.

"Ah, Mrs. Weasley- it is only you." she turned to see her former headmaster appear behind her. She was shocked and embarrassed. Part of the plan was that no one could know that she was here. It would make it so much easier to leave in the morning. Trying to cover up her emotions she started,

"I am so sorry Professor Dumbledore; I was just staying the night in town and wandered up her for a minute. I will just be going now." and she turned as if to leave.

"Hermione," he said his voice not unkind "please do not leave yet. Take your time and relive the memories that you need to. We will not bother you at all. If, however, after you have finished your walk around the grounds and you wish to talk, I will be in my office with Minerva working on some new policies for the ministry to consider. Please come by and say hello will you? The time does not matter."

She was stunned but nodded her agreement and then he disappeared again. She often wondered how he did that. It was impossible to apparate on school grounds. She had told Ron and Harry that many times during their years here but Dumbledore never really apparated he just appeared or disappeared. She did as she was told though and continued on her walk up to her favorite place at Hogwarts.

She nestled back against the tree, remembering the last time she had been here; it had been her graduation day. Those memories played over in her mind again just like they had earlier this morning. She looked out across the lake and up at the castle and wondered why she had taken that time for granted. It had been so easy then, easier than now anyway. Her gazed wandered around the grounds again. Richard really would have loved it her, she thought. He had been such smart baby he would have succeed just like both his parents, well at least gotten into as many scrapes as they did. He did have a knack for getting into sticky situations, like the time he had gotten himself up to the cookie jar on top of the refrigerator. She had turned around to find him sitting on the top of the fridge with a cookie in each hand. She laughed a little at the memory but the laughter quickly turned to tears. She had really tried not to think about him. He had been her light but he was gone now she needed to realize this, it was time that she stopped pretending that he never existed. As much as she had tried to avoid it there was one last memory, no matter the pain it brought, she had to relive tonight...

It had been a bright day in April and she was getting ready for work. Richard had sat in the playpen next to her while she finished her hair. He had been watching her with acute interest and she smiled down at him,

"Yes, mommy is getting ready for work but she will be back don't worry okay?" she looked down at him, his eyes shining with tears. This had become a morning ritual with him; he would watch her get ready then cry as she made to leave. She would pick him up, hold him for a while and wonder how she could leave him day after day, then turn him over to the nanny to watch until she returned home.

After he was born she had considered quitting work, she really wanted to be there and raise her child. But she convinced herself that her job at the ministry was too important to give up. She was doing so much good there, helping so many muggle-borns and their families ease into wizarding life that she didn't feel that she could give it up. So she and Ron had decided to hire a nanny to watch him during the day.

Molly had been upset at first claiming she could watch her grandson but they did not want to place the burden on her. They had interviewed several women before finding Sarah. She had come highly recommended by her previous employers and she seemed to take immediately to Richard. So they had hired her and Sarah was there every morning at eight sharp to take over duties as caretaker. She never worried when Richard was with Sarah, he was safe then.

Walking down the stairs that day with Richard on her hip she wiped away her own tears. "I thought it was supposed to get easier to leave them as they got older?" she thought "It really only gets harder everyday. I'm going to talk to Ron when he gets home tonight; we need to discuss my work schedule. Maybe I can drop to part time status or maybe do some work from home?" they were both possibilities and she would bring them up at dinner tonight. All she knew was that the morning routine was wearing on her and she couldn't keep doing it much longer. Placing Richard on the couch she saw Sarah come into the room.

She was a pleasant woman and had such away with Richard. She had become a surrogate grandmother to him really. Noticing the clock she realized that she was late for work.

"Richard sweetie, I am leaving now okay. How about you and Sarah come and have lunch with Mummy today does that sound good?

"Yeth," he said then beginning to cry he continued "Wanta go with mommy now."

"Not today baby, but if you are good for Sarah maybe we can go visit Uncle George and Uncle Fred today." her son stopped crying after hearing his uncle's names.

"Wanna see unca Red and Rorge." he laughed

She kissed him on the top of the head then turned to Sarah. "Just meet me in front of the ministry about 12:30 I will be there and we can walk over to the café for lunch. Does that sound alright?"

"Of course dear," the older woman replied "We will be there, won't we sweet cheeks? Now say goodbye to your mummy and we can go play."

He kissed her on the cheek and waved to her as she apparated to work.

The day had been so busy that she barely had time to register she was late for their lunch. She hurried outside and saw them standing across the street. Quickly crossing she took her son in her arms and swung him around.

"How's my big boy today?" she asked kissing both cheeks

A giggle was the only response she got.

Together the three of them made their way to the café on the corner and sat down together.

"I don't have much time for a long lunch today Sarah. Work has been so busy that I am afraid I might be here well into the night. Ron should be home by five though and will be able to take him off your hands then." she said in-between bites. It was official she decided, she didn't want these rushed lunches with her son once or twice a week. She wanted to have them all the time, she was going to talk to Ron tonight and see what they could do about changing her work schedule.

"Don't worry about it dear," Sarah replied patting her hand. "Just don't work to hard; it will all still be there tomorrow."

"That is only too true Sarah." she said

The lunch had been wonderful even if it was brief, she wouldn't have time to take Richard to see Fred and George though. The minister was howling for the reports for his four o'clock meeting and she still wasn't finished with them.

"Sarah can you do me a favor?" she asked as they made there way back to the ministry "Can you take Richard to see Fred and George in Diagon Alley? He hasn't been there for ages and I know that they would really like to see him. That won't be too much of a problem will it?"

"Not at all love." she answered

Kissing her son again she told him to be a good boy and that she would be home in time to read him a bed time story and tuck him in for the night. She made her way back to her office and spent the next few hours trying to finish her report.

The commotion outside in the hallways jolted her out of her concentration. Muttering to herself on how people should respect one another's work area and time she rose from her desk to inquire into the matter and then ask them to please keep the noise down. When she opened the door chaos surrounded her. Her co-workers were everywhere, apparating from one desk to another fear on all of their faces.

She looked down the hall looking for someone who could tell her what was going on when she saw Harry hurrying toward her. His expression was grave and she suddenly became very worried.

"Harry, what is it? What's wrong?" she asked.

"Hermione," he began "there has been another break out from Azkaban. Five former death eaters have escaped."

"Oh my gosh," the realization of his statement hitting her "Malfoy!"

He nodded

"Ron, I have to get to Ron." and she started down the hallway, worry etched on her face.

Harry grabbed her hand and stopped her. "I stopped by his office first; he knows and is waiting for you down stairs with Tonks and Remus."

"Let's go then." she said starting down the hall again.

"Hermione," Harry called running to catch up with her "look there are some things that we need to discuss."

"Harry this is not the time for discussion!" she said cutting him off "I need to go find my husband, so we can go collect Richard from Sarah. After that we will do whatever you want us to do."

Harry knew not to argue with her when she was like this and followed her down to where Remus, Tonks and Ron were waiting. Ron embraced her as she reached him,

"I am so glad that you are okay."

"Of course I am," she said pecking him on the check "do you really think that Malfoy could get into the Ministry this fast? Especially into the Ministers office?"

"No, but I was still worried."

"Hey guys, I hate to interrupt and everything but we are under strict orders to get you both to Grimwald Place immediately." Harry told them taking a step forward "Tonks will be coming with you; Remus and I will go to get Richard and Sarah and meet you there."

"Don't think so mate, we are all coming with you." Ron replied

"Ron, don't argue with me about this right now. You really don't have a choice and you know it, just go with Tonks and we will be there in a half an hour."

"Harry, I am not going anywhere with out my son. So either you are going to have to let me go or hex me into submission. Let me warn you though," he said pulling his wand from his robes "Mione here has taught me a thing or two."

Harry looked dumbfounded as he noticed she was nodding her agreement and also reaching for her wand.

"Harry, we are wasting time." Remus sighed "Let them come it will be faster and easier if we all go."

"Between the five of us," Tonks interrupted gesturing to each member of the group "we should be able to handle anything that we could possibly come across."

Harry, finally relenting nodded "Fine let's go then. We have to get the both of you to a safe house still."

She was the last to arrive at the house and the last to notice- the dark mark hung over her house.

She woke in a strange bedroom a few hours later. She tried to remember where she was and how she got here. Ginny was sitting in a chair her face red from crying, Molly and Arthur were sitting in the corner talking in hushed voices. Then she remembered everything- the breakout, Malfoy, the dark mark. Sitting up she yelled, "Richard?"

The three in the room turned around to look at her and dread filled her as she saw their faces.

"Oh dear," Molly said moving toward her "I am so sorry, I am so very very sorry."

"No." she said in a dangerous tone "No it is not true. Where is Ron? He will tell you all. Where is he?"

"He is with Richard," Ginny said through her tears "he wouldn't leave him. It took Harry, Tonks and Remus to get him here."

"I want to see him now!" she demanded "He will tell you that you are all wrong. You will all see, he will tell you."

She started to get up from the bed when a voice came from the doorway, "Hermione, I don't think that is best right now."

She looked up and saw Harry standing there, his face white as ash. At that moment she knew it was all true.

"I want to see him Harry." she said quietly "I want to be there with him and Ron."

He nodded and took her hand, leading her down the hallway. They said nothing to one another Harry supported her as they walked into a room at the end of the hall. Ron was kneeling by the side of a bed in which a small figure lay very still.

He looked up at them, tears running down his cheeks. She had never seen him cry before; she had known him for almost 14 years and had never seen him cry once. It killed her inside.

"Ron," she whispered, rushing towards him and falling into his arms. He held her tight while they cried together. After a few minutes she looked at him, his eyes still rimmed with tears looking so sorrowful.

"Is he going to be okay? Please tell me he is going to be okay. He can't leave us Ron."

"Mione, there is nothing else they could do. Sarah, bless her, did what she could to shield him but there wasn't enough time. She died too. It was the Avada Kedavra, Mione. Not one of us could have done anything." he stumbled over these last words. Their son was dead and there was nothing they could have done to stop it. They had conquered everything together and the one time that it really mattered they were helpless.

Harry had slipped out leaving the two of them with Richard. She looked at her son for the first time. He looked so peaceful; it was hard for her to believe that he wasn't going to wake up. Walking over to the bed she sat down and took him in her arms, she wanted to hold him. She looked at Ron and took his hand. Together they sat on the bed holding their son for the last time.

The tears spilled freely down her cheeks now. It had all been her fault. She was the one that suggested they meet her for lunch, she had asked Sarah to take him to visit Fred and George, she had been to busy with work and didn't have the time to be with them. It had all been her fault. Had she been a better mother this never would have happened. "Why didn't I go with them? I could have stopped it."

The day after the funeral was when she had started to pull away. Just a little at first but it became easier after a while and she made more excuses not to go anywhere. She hid her emotions letting them simmer underneath till they had finally broken through today. Why today she thought? What had triggered her to lose control today? Then she remembered the date it was the 15th. Five months ago today she lost him. The pain and ache was almost uncontrollable now she felt so much guilt over everything. She had caused Sarah and Richard's deaths. She was the one who pulled away from her friends and family, she was the one that was causing so much pain to them all. And Ron, she couldn't even think about him, what she had done to him. He would be so much better when she was gone. She knew it. He wouldn't have her there to remind him of what she had lost for the both of them.

She reached into her pocket to get a clean handkerchief. Wiping her tears she heard a twig snap. It was so late, probably nearing one. Who would be out here? Both Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall knew where she was and that she would be up to see them before she left, so who was here now? A voice then broke the darkness,

"Mione?" I thought you would come here. This was always your favorite spot."