Disclaimer: I do not own Diablo II, I, or anything else that blizzard created. In fact, some of my dialog comes directly from the game, for accuracy purposes only. The Characters however are of my own design, directly from my chars on
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Hello everyone, and welcome to: THE ROBIN SHIREWOOD INTERVIEWS!
(Curtain opens on Jay Leno's talk show stage.)
With furnishing provided by The Tonight Show starring Jay Leno.
Written by, hosted by, and starring: ROBIN!
(Author Robin Shirewood comes on set and sits in Jay Leno's chair)
Robin- Hi everybody, please hold your applause.(crickets chirp) Hmmmm, Well the audience looks... pretty vacant. Oh, well, I'm in a good mood so lets get this show going anyways.
As many of you know, this Diablo Fanfiction, written by yours truly, has been online for about a year now, However, as 'SOME' people won't let me forget, I ended up only posting for a little while and then took a year's sabbatical in order to take care of personal matters. However, after locating me, stabbing me with many, many non-sterile and pointy foreign objects and threatening me with a shotgun, several of my fans managed to get me to get back to this story.
And now, here we are: Celebrating our 50th review!
(Sound technician puts in an applause tape)
(Sound of an applause)
Thank you, thank you.
(Natalie comes on stage.)
Natalie: Uhhh, Robin.
Robin: Yes?
Natalie: You do realize that we only have 46 reviews as of right now, right?
Robin: What? Hey, look at the number above the title, next to the word 'Reviews'. As of right now, it says '51', which can only go up after this chapter is posted.
Natalie: But, Robin, you wrote, like, five of those as correspondence.
Robin: Natalie, before bringing up this subject, please tell everyone in the audience who writes this story.
Natalie: (Half-heartedly) You do, Robin.
Robin: And try to remember that I also control the rating, so this story could quickly go up to a NC-17 rating and become a really really bad rip off of 'La Blue Girl'.
(cat-call comes from the empty audience)
Natalie: (Horrified) YOU WOULDN'T!!!
Robin: You wanna try me?
(Natalie sulks off of set.)
Robin: Now then, here's how it works. Here today, we will review highlighted scenes from previous chapters with different cast members. So, lets have a warm welcome for our first guest:
Cathim the Necromancer!
(Applause, Cathim walks out on stage and sits in the guest chair.)
Robin: So, Catty, how are you today?
Cathim: At the moment, Robin, I am wondering what role I would have in a bad hentai rip-off fic. Can I be the monster? PLEASE!
Robin:0.o.... Hey, Cathim...that was just a joke, I'll never write a 'La Blue Girl' style fic
Natalie:(from off stage) I KNEW IT!
Robin: uu... She put you up to that, didn't she.
Cathim: You better believe it.
Robin: Well, moving right along. Tell me Cathim, what you thought about this scene:
(Rolls clip from chapter one)
Cathim and Tozam turned around and looked into the direction she was pointing.
Their jaws dropped in unison.
An enormous horde of small, but deadly red imps were charging at them from the south. All equally enraged.
"I guess it worked..." Tozam said
"FALLEN ONES!" Cathim shouted as he pulled out his Necromancer wand and readied himself to summon a clay golem. He really wished that he could summon a Fire one, but unfortunately clay was as advanced as he had been able to learn in the short weeks that he had traveled here from his home in the eastern jungles.
"I don't see a shaman with them, so we don't have to worry about them being raised from the dead." Natthilea told them, taking up battle stance like she had learned in training.
"Seeing as how our Necro hasn't learned how to do that yet..."
"SHUT UP!" Cathim yelled.
(clip ends)
Cathim:...
Robin: So, tell us, Catty, how did that scene make you feel.
Cathim: YOU HAD A CAMERA!? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DIE ON THAT LOCATION! (sheepishly) and I hate it when Little Bugga points out that I haven't mastered resurrection yet. Hey...I don't look like a wimp with that wand do I?
Robin: (mockingly) Nooo, of course you don't. (regular) Tell us, Cathim, do you and Tozam the Barbarian really get along?
Cathim: Well, I 'guess' so.
Robin: Alright! Then hows about we speed things up, Everyone: welcome Tozam of Horrogoth!
(Heavier applause for Tozam as he comes on stage, flexing his biceps for show)
Tozam: YEAH!!! WHO LOVES ME!?
(Large numbers of females shout out)
AND WHO LOVES CATTY!?
(silence in the studio)
Cathim: Humhp!
Tozam: Can't say I didn't try, best-est buddy.
Robin: So, Tozam, you are a son of Horrogoth, correct?
Tozam: You know better than anybody, Robin. You wrote the script.
Robin: u.u, Okay... moving on. How would you describe your relationship with Cathim?
Tozam: Wonderful------(At the same time)-----Cathim: Painful
Robin: Cathim? Painful? How do you figure?
Cathim: HEY! Audio/Visual man in the booth! Roll my clips!
(clips roll)
The demon thing walked until it was about 10 feet in front of the three adventurers, sat down on its hind legs like a dog, and closed its eyes as it turned its head to spit little bits of green, acid-like saliva on the ground.
"Oh... Gods." Natthilea started
"Hang on, it could be friendly." Cathim said, sounding very doubtful about what he had just said. "Whatever you do, don't attack..."
"RAAAAAAA" Tozam, seeing that the demon thing was occupied with spitting out the green stuff, lunged forward with his sword.
"NO YOU FOOL!!!!" The magic users said together.
Next Clip
"Hmmm, pleasant sort isn't she?" Cathim sighed, "The arrogance, the firm discipline. Why, she's simply aglow with the all the love of rabid crocodile."
"She still has a pulse though, Cathim. And I think that in itself puts her WELL out of your league." Tozam joked, clapping the necromancer heartedly on the back and easily knocking the frail priest to the ground.
This, at least, got a laugh out of Elric and lightened the overall mood of the party.
"I'm off to seek Akara and report our victory." Natalie announced, "Are any of you coming?"
"Ummm, I think I need to take Cathim to see a healer." Tozam observed, "Sorry, buddy, I didn't mean to clap you so hard."
The high levels of profanities that came from the crumpled pile of flesh that had moments before been the necromancer has been tastefully omitted from this tale.
"And after that, I need to go and find a replacement for my swords at the local shop."
Next clip
"Dear gods!!!" The caravan's healer proclaimed, making the holy sign of his faith. "This man looks as though his collar bone has been shattered, both shoulders have been dislocated, and every one of his ribs has been pushed outward to leave their impression in the underlying flesh of his torso!!! WHAT SORT OF MONSTER DID THIS AND DID'T"T EVEN HAVE THE HEART TO MERCIFULLY LET THIS MAN DIE?!"
"Ummmmm, so, can you fix him?" Tozam asked sheepishly.
"Of course I can fix him, it's just that I've never had heal a living corpse before."
"Uh, doc? What sort of bizarre language is that that he's shouting at me?"
"I'm not positive, but I do believe that your skinny friend here, despite the immense pain it is causing him, has just managed to gargle out every profanity in every language he knows in one sentence."
"Oh, Whew," Tozam breathed a sigh of relief, "For a moment, I thought that he was mad at me."
"I can have your friend here fixed up in about an hour or so, but he will be sore for a few days. Now, about my fee..."
"Oh, no problem. After all, what are friends for, right buddy?" Tozam smiled wide as he knelt down and started to loosen Cathim's money pouch from his belt.
"I know brother, you feel sorry for taking advantage of me after that nasty fall you took down the gorge, but it's the least I can do for my best-est friend in the whole of Sanctuary." Tozam turned to the doctor, "You do accept gold, right?"
"&#$&#$&&#$&!#!&#&#" Cathim said before passing out from pain.
"Say, while you're fixing him up, can you do something that will make him forget about this?"
"It'll cost extra."
Next clip
Perhaps you are right sir...?"
"I am Tozam. Warrior of The Wondrous City of Horrogoth." Tozam stated proudly.
"A Barbarian!" Preen gasped in a mix of awe and fear. "A savage brute of the barren waste of the north that seeks to raid and pillage the far north villages of Kanduras?"
"..." Tozam glared at the paladin in such a way that even HE got the point.
"Alright, Let's try that again without the stereotype. I am Tozam. Warrior of the Wondrous City of Horrogoth."
"Ah..." Preen nodded, "And I, Preen, offer my services to you and your group."
"Well that's..." Tozam stopped dead cold. "Wait! WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?"
------------------
"Brrr..." Goosebumps ran up Cathim's entire body.
"What's wrong, necro? Body heat dropping? I thought Tozam warned you against doing that sort of thing." Elric asked, sipping at some hot tea.
"No, not that...I just suddenly have the feeling that someone I know is about to do something that I am going to hate."
Next clip
"Ummm... I would really hate to bother everyone..." They heard Cathim's weak voice call out. "But would someone be so kind as to GET THIS BARBARIAN OFF ME AND GET ME TO A HEALER!!!"
Natalie only now realized that when Elric shoved Tozam out of the way, the barbarian had landed in a heap on top of the poor necromancer.
(Clips end)
Cathim:I was taken to the healer two chapters in a row because of this lummox! And on top of that, I find now myself consorting with a half-demon and even worse...(disgusted) a...paladin. How much worse can it get for me.
Robin: ummmmmm...Say, Cathim. About those scenes for next week's chapter.
Cathim: I haven't read them yet. What of them?
Robin: Yeeeaaahhh, I just remembered, how do you feel about oh, say... complete disembowelment?
Cathim: 0.0, My own? I'M OPPOSED TO IT, DAMN IT!
Robin: Okay, how about electrocution?
Cathim: WHAT!!
Robin: How about being put on a rack by the corrupted rogues and tortured?
Tozam: Hey, that sounds kinda kinky. Aren't you afraid of losing your PG-13 rating?
Robin: When was the last time you saw a PG-13 movie? Most of them are one four-letter word from being 'R' or 'NC-17'
Cathim: That is the last straw! (Disgruntle necromancer pulls out magic wand) CURSES FOR EVERY BODY!!
Tozam: (calmly) I was wondering when you'd snap.
Robin: SECURITY SKELETONS!!
(Two skeletons with bright yellow shirts reading 'Security' pop out of the ground.)
(Picture goes of and a droning beeeeeeeeeeppppppppp is followed by the message: We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please stay tuned)
(Voice only)
Robin: GRAB HIM! GRAB HIM!
Cathim: DECREPIFY! DECREPIFY DAMN IT!!
Tozam: Now, Catty, you and I both know that you ain't powerful enough for that curse yet.
Cathim: THAT'S IT! LET THE STABBING BEGIN!!!!
Robin: GO TO COMMERCIAL!
(Pepsi commercial rolls, boring audience)
(Comes back to Robin and a partially destroyed set)
Robin: We're back, and contrary to popular belief, I was not affected by the decrepify spell which (Looks up Decrepify curse in Diablo 2-Players Manual) "Gives the victim a glimpse of his own mortality, briefly aging him. Imagining itself with an infirm body of advanced age, the afflicted believes it is no longer capable of youthful exhertions....
(Security Skeletons snicker)
HEY!!!! I AM TOO CAPABLE OF...
MOVING ON!!!!
Our next two guest seem to always come together. They were introduced recently in Chapter 7 and currently hold two titles. First, it is my pleasure to Introduce Raid deAlkirk, Amazon warrior who currently holds party title for 'Most Greedy'.
(Cheers and whistles aplenty as Raid strolls casually on set, bowing and blowing kisses into the audience.)
Raid: Thank you, thank you...
Robin: And Preen The Paladin, who holds the record as the most hated main character, supporting character and/or monster that has been introduced in this fic.
(Preen comes on stage, using a shield to block incoming tomatoes)
Raid: Many of the ways of men are still strange to me. Are the throwing of acidic red fruits and booing a sign of affection in this part of the world.
Preen: HEATHENS!
Robin: Well, that's what get for preaching every episode, Preen. So, how are you two doing today.
Raid: I'm being paid double for this, right Robin?
Preen: I'm late for choir practice, can we keep this short?
Robin: . Ooookaayyyy. Now, here is a clip of the first time you two were introduced together.
Clip roles
"Now, that wasn't very nice." Preen said while Tozam stared at the girl flicking her ponytail back and forth over her shoulders. "What if he was telling the truth?"
The innocent girl vanished again and the fire breathing monster that was in her place turned over toward the paladin.
"SHUT UP! OKAY! CAN THE IDEALISM! IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT BLASTED.... DAMN, STUPID HONOR CODE!!! OHHHHH! PREEN! YOU....YOU...! I WILL KILL YOU! I SWEAR TO ALL MY GODESSES! I WILL KILL YOU!"
To his credit, Preen the paladin never even blinked at the threat on his life or blanched at the hatred in the young woman's voice.
"Have you ever considered going to a Zakarum confessional? It is really very cleansing for the soul, and I might help with that anger management problem you have there."
"(Twitch-twitch)...noooooooooo...I don't have an anger problem... Thank you for caring though...(twitch-twitch)" The young woman's entire body was tense, almost as if she were ready to spring into a fight at any moment. But, as before, this changed almost instantly and the young warrioress turned to Tozam with a large, innocent smile of the most relaxed and sincere friendship.
Clip ends
Robin: So, Raid, tell us: Is there any truth to the rumors that you are on medication for your erratic mood swings?
Raid: MOOD SWINGS! I DON'T HAVE MOOD SWINGS, DAMN IT!!!!! (Foaming at the mouth) ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF DeALKIRK!! I'LL MAKE THEM INTO PIN CUSHIONS!!!
(sits down calmly)
No... there is no truth to that rumor whatsoever.
(starts sniffling)
It is really....really so sweet that you care though.
Robin: (Hair is blown straight back) Uhhhhh, thank you.... Next question: Preen, Is it true that your middle name is Annie?
Preen: (Eyes shift wildly) Where did you get that? (weak laugh) Why uhhhh, that's just crazy? Do I look like a red-headed orphan girl here? I mean, it's madness.
Robin: I should remind you that, being a paladin like you are, you are under perpetual oath of truth. And you haven't answered my question.
Preen: DAMN! Uhhh, okay... For the record, My full name is Sir Preen Ann Pristine of the Family Pristine of Kurast. So, no my middle name is not Annie, it's just Ann. Due to this, I have sent an appeal to The Council of the Travincal asking for the name change.
(Robin snorts a laugh)
Robin: To the Council Members of Act 3, Kurast, from the Diablo 2 Video game?
Preen: Yes. Is that a problem?
Robin: (Trying to hold back a laugh) No...none at all....I'm sure they would be happy to change your name.
Preen: I sure hope so.
Robin: (whispering) Bloody Gullet. Good name for a paladin.
Preen: What?
Robin:Okay folks, we'll be right back after this short break.
("Can't quite get the pain to go away after being stabbed? Do fan's send evil clown minions to constantly harass you because you were a little late on the introduction of your newest work?
I'm R.A. Salvatore, author of numerous Drizzt novels. And now, I have some good news."
Robin: (hope-fully) You can make Solarious leave me alone!!??
R.A.: "No. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieco.")
Robin: OKAY, we are back and ready to move on with our next guest. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, our protagonist, and my personal favorite character:
ELRIC TASSLEWIND!
(Elric (In human form) comes out to rave applause, shrieks of female joy, and roses being thrown at him)
Elric: Whoa... (Slightly blinded by stage lights) Uhhh, hey, A.V. guy? Don't you think you're overdoing it a little with the roses? (Sits in guest seat)
Audio/Visual guy: Uhhhh, I'm not playing any tapes. Matter of fact, I'm not doing nothing. (turns lights down)
(The audience is full, people are in the ailes, standing ovation)
Elric: (Sweatdrop) Uhhhhhh, I thought we were doing this without a studio audience.
Robin: We were... I didn't think you were this popular. Don't worry about it, just make yourself comfortable.
Elric: You sure about that?
Robin: Of course I'm sure.
Elric: Okaayy. (Elric closes eyes and looks to be concentrating. After a moment, his skin starts to bleed and rupture, finally exploding and covering the set, Robin, and more than a few audience members with blood. As the blood clears, the black half-demon is lounging comfortably in the chair)
Ahhh, that is so much better.
Robin: A little more warning next time, please. MAKE UP! (Make up specialist comes out and cleans blood off of Robin in just under four seconds.)
Okay, moving on...
Deep 'Demon Lord' Style Voice from the Crowd: BOOOOOO!!! YOU SUCK HALF-DEMON SPAWN!!!
Robin: DIABLO! GET OUT OF THERE YOU FOOL!!! YOU'LL BE KILLED!!!
Diablo: I am The Lord of Terror! Master of Fear! I have conquered entire realms on whim, ruled over the seven levels of hell for time beyond mere mortal understanding. And now you attack me with empty threats.
Elric: Uhhh, Diablo, you do realize that you are a popular villain Video Game star standing in a crowd mostly comprised of human fan-girls who have access to E-Bay, don't you?
Diablo: I know no fear! I AM FEAR!
Robin: Not right now you're not. In this studio, during these sort of interviews, I have all magical, demon, and godly powers in the building disabled.
Diablo: (Horrified) Ohhhhh...sh....it....
Fan-Girl #1: Awwww, he's so cute...
Fan-Girl #2: Let's pull out his spines and then get rich by selling them on the internet.
Diablo: AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (is mobbed by over a hundred fans and torn to pieces..)
Elric: Why can't it be that easy in the story?
Robin: Moving on!
Well Elric, there are two questions that we seem to get alot via e-mail. First off, you are self-claimed 'half-demon'. Can you tell us what exactly what that means and how you came to be in the mortal realms.
Elric: Well, that's kinda sketchy, Robin. You see, I never met my birth parents.
Audience: Awwwwwwwwww...
Elric: Though I can't imagine either of them being model citizens or patrons of the church. Old Dominic, the sage who lived in my hometown, Atsar, once theorized that I was probably either the product of a rape between a monster and a human woman who somehow escaped or a succubus and an extremely fertile male that she seduced.
My earliest memories are of my hatching in forest north of the city, Westmarch. When I was born, I was about the size of kitten and a stark snow-white color. I knew from birth how to walk and my instincts led me to feed, really scavenge, on differing kinds of meat. But there was no hunting instinct. I was lost and alone. So, I wandered, not knowing where to go, what to do, or anything about life. Truth be told, as an infant demon, I tried to allow myself to be adopted several kinds of animals: Wolves, panthers, and at one point a run away house-cat female. Needless to say, none of them liked me and I ended up running for my life each time.
Finally, about a week after I was hatched, I came across a farm and came into contact with people for the first time. Namely, my adopted brothers and sister: Coris, Marcus, and Natalie. They were playing and Natalie kicked the ball too hard and had to go chasing after it. Me, being the impressionable cub that I was, wanted to try this 'playing' and pounced on it when she came up.
Robin: Not the best of experiences, I take it.
Elric: Well, my future father, Darmin, nearly took my head off with a garden hoe, and would have done it without remorse except his wife, Matty and Natalie thought that I was helpless and came to my defense.
You could say I really started off as a pet for a while. As small as I was, Darmin didn't think I was dangerous. But, what surprised him was how intelligent I was and how quickly I learned. After living with them for only a week, I managed to learn and speak fluent common and in a month I could read perfectly and started devouring every book in the house...mediphorically speaking of course.
Robin: An interesting childhood.
Elric: Well, it was kind of dull to me after I had learned everything I could. I ended up being real good at catching rats, but little else. Natalie never neglected teaching me how to play though. She even found a name for me from a book about Amazonian plants and then the rest is history.
Robin: Alright, I'm sorry, we're running out of time, but I do have one more question for you.
Elric: Yes.
Robin: For some odd reason, our readers want to know if you are currently intimate with, married to, or otherwise romantically involved with anyone.
Elric: What? What kind of question is that? I'm part demon. No woman in their right mind would want to be 'romantically involved' with me, much less get married and have children.
High-Pitched female voice: OHHHH ELRIC?! ELLLLRRRIIIICCCCCCCCC!!???
(Elric's pupils shrink to the size of this period -----'.' and he starts trembling)
Elric: RAMAON! WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE!!!
Robin: I DON'T KNOW!! SECURITY!!!!
(Meanwhile, in the security skeleton department)
S. skeleton #1: Man, it sure was nice of that upstanding young woman to bring us a batch of special cookies. (eats a cookie)
S. skeleton #2: Yeah, and she was even thoughtful enough to bring us tongues so that we could taste it.
S. skeleton #1: Hell yeah. I got the tongue of a telemarketer. 'Are you satisfied with your long distance service?' I wondered what she meant by 'tongue-tied' side effects though.
S. skeleton #2: I don't know. I got a corrupt American politician, she said it was nobody important though. 'I did not have sex with that woman. I did not inhale.'
(Back at the studio, Ramaon comes on stage, dragging a priest behind her)
Ramaon: Look Elric, Darling. I found the only priest in this country who'll marry somebody, man, demon or otherwise, against their will.
Sleazy Priest: Oh-Dominia-notarum-Requiem...(walks up and sprinkles cleansing holy water on the unexpecting groom)
Elric: (Sizzle...) AHHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!! (Mauls priest and bounds off stage right)
(Ramaon kicks priest)
Ramaon: I SAID NO HOLY WATER, RELICS, OR CHURCHES! JUST THE I DO's! ELRIC HONEY COME BACCCCKKKK!!! (Runs off stage after Elric)
Cathim: (From off stage) AHHHH! What are you doing here?! Stay BACK! I HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER!
Ramaon: Hey, Cathim (devilish smile) You're a priest of Rathma right? Can you legally preform marriages?
Cathim: Uhhh, I can legally oversee and preform twenty different funeral rituals and practices. But I don't think a priest of Rathma has ever Married anyone.
Ramaon: Then it's not illegal? (Grabs Cathim) YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!!!
Cathim:HHHEEELLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!
Robin: Well, that was certainly interesting. Now, join us next time for...
(Jay Leno walks on set)
Jay Leno:Hey! Who the heck are you? (Looks around at the half destroyed and bloody stage) WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SET!!!
Robin: Oh...uhhhh, Jay...Ummmmm...LOOK! MICHEL JACKSON GOT ANOTHER NOSE JOB!!
Jay Leno: WHERE! (Looks around wildly while Robin runs for dear life.) HEY! THATS NOT MICHEAL JACKSON! It's Tito Jackson....Oh well, as long as he was in the Jackson Five, it's 'A' material.
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Thank you for watching.
This program was not sponsored by Pepsi, Gieco, Jay Leno or the Tonight Show. I do not own any of these people, products or shows.
Aftermath:
Cathim: If their is anyone here...(Elric opens his mouth) BESIDES the groom, who can give a good reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.
(Sound of Cathim stuffing his face and Natalie struggling against ropes)
Cathim: Do you Ramaon, take this...half-demon...to be your lawfully wedded Husband. To have and to hold...
Elric: I've heard of a shot-gun wedding, but this is ridiculous.
Ramaon: (Holding a shot-gun to Cathim's head while Elric is stranded in the middle of a small moat filled with holy water.)
I DO!
Cathim:Don't worry Elric, everything is fine. (winks) Then by the power vested in me, by the death priest hood of Rathma which is not valid in the State of New York, I pronounce you half-demon and... Oh, I'm sorry, do you have a ring?
Ramaon: (Panicked) RING! I FORGOT THE RING!
Cathim: Oh, I'm sure that we can find one. Let's ask the witnesses that you rounded up for this. (Calls out to Witnesses)
DOES ANYONE HAVE A RING WE CAN USE????!!!!
Tozam: (Stuffing his face with Ramaon's special cookies) No.
Natalie: (Tied and gagged) Uhmmmm-HRMMM!
Elvis: Do I sure don't...I did get a Cadillac for the happy couple though.
Cathim: How about you sir? (Points to thin, disfigured shape in background)
Smeagol: It's my own...my precious...We won't let the nasty couple haves it.
Ramaon: GIVE ME THAT RING!
Smeagol: MY PRECIOUS!! (Runs away with Ramaon in hot pursuit)
Cathim: Okay guys, lets get back to the world of Sanctuary where she can't follow before she finds out that I payed Smeagol to make her chase a cracker-jack-box ring.
(Elric opens portal back to Sanctuary to pick up the story where they left off.)
END. (for now?)