Part 4 - pretty good... considering

"Captain rang this morning" Phoebe cut into the silence that had fallen over the table as they ate the lunch Piper had prepared.

"Really? What did he say?" Piper asked, her opertunity now arising to find something out.

"Next Monday, I go in have a meeting and ... if all goes well then I'm back at work" Phoebe spoke as if relaying the news or something, Piper could not read her, there was no emotion.

"So, how do you feel? I mean...about going back?" Piper put her fork down and paid all her attention to the Halliwell sat across from her.

"Actually, pretty good...I mean considering I held a two year old in my arms as he died" Phoebe spoke, "Things are never going to be the same Pipe, not at all. There is no way I'll be able to walk into a burning house now without expecting to carry out a dead body or something but, it's my job and I need to get back because to be honest as lovely as our apartment is, I think I'm going to go insane. TOTALLY crazy."

Piper knew this was hard, hard on Phoebe but she wanted to show her encouragement, "I have all my confidence in you Phoebe, things will be okay. I trust you..."

"I wish I trusted myself" Phoebe explained, she put the fork on the plate and looked at her big sister, "I just don't anymore Piper, I do not trust myself or have any faith in a god I trusted and loved. It's messed up my head, you can see it, I can see it...everyone can see what it has done to me. I haven't been able to see my nephew in over a week because of it...I used to see that little guy every night." Phoebe was letting all her pain out but still, to Piper's amazement, refused to cry.

"you are strong, way stronger than I'll ever be, way stronger than Prue and a hell of a lot stronger than our father...you're the person I look up to Pheebs, maybe it should be Prue you know with her been the oldest and having a family, everything I want but you...Honey you have so much more that truthfully I envy, respect and look up to you. I want to have a fraction of what you have...just a fraction of your strength." Piper explained, and it was the truth she was not just saying this stuff, it was what she felt...she wanted to become just a fraction of what Phoebe had become.

"Yeah, maybe I was strong but, I've lost it Pipe. I can not even sleep through the night without waking up in fear of having to pick up the body of my nephew from a crib as the house around me falls down. How is that strength?"

"Because..." Piper said taking Phoebe's hand, "you are talking about going back, you want to go back. This is just something that you are going through right now, you'll get over it."

"Maybe..." Phoebe stood up, "Look, sorry about this Pipe but I have to go...I need to go and see someone"

"and would this someone be no stranger to your bad?" Piper asked, "Am I ever going to find out who he is?" Piper was trying to break the tension, and hell she was her sister and curiosity did get the better of her.

Phoebe smiled, a sad smile but it was something, "I have no idea what you are talking about" She tried the WHO ME I'M INNOCENT ACT but by now she should have known, Piper could see straight through her.

"I'm not going to find out am i?" Piper asked,

"Sorry Pipe, not today..." Phoebe took her jacket and headed for the door, before walking out she turned back, "Thanks for the talk" She was sincere she truly did appreciate Piper's attempt at convincing her things would be okay...but she just could not believe that.

"No problem, anytime you need to talk I'm here Pheebs. Oh and I was thinking ... do you want to come around to Prue's later today...Wine, catch up, sisterly-ness stuff?"

"First off, sisterly-ness, I told you that you can not re-write the dictionary and add what ever you like in, it is not a word. Secondly, sorry I can't and I may not be home tonight"

"See mystery guy again, I'm starting to think you love him more than me" Piper put on a fake child like hurt voice.

"You know that isn't true, I'm sorry some other time"

Piper smiled, "Sure honey, take care of yourself and call if you need anything at all"

"Will do...love you"

"Bye" Piper called back as the door shut, "Love you too"

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She was stood in the lift, lent against the banister on the side. Hands on the rail when she happened to notice the guy stood to her left which she had failed to see prior. "Afternoon" He greeted

"Hi" Phoebe answered politely, she then looked at the floor and back up at him he was still looking at her expectantly, "Do I know you?" She asked

"Urm, are you Phoebe? Phoebe Halliwell?" He asked turning to face her

"Yes that is who I am, how can I help you?" she asked, intrigued as to who he was

"I'm the father of the boy who died in the fire. You...You know the one at..."

"Davidson street...I remember" She finished,

"Yeah...I just...wanted to talk to you. Can I buy you a coffee or something"

Phoebe looked at his face now and remembered he was the guy she had dragged from the top of the steps, the father who's child she failed, the man she had let down, "I'm sorry about...about your son" She said it, she let the word out, 'son' it made it so much more real to her that there was a family who were in pain over this.

"thanks you...like I said, I just really need to talk to someone about it...the whole fire thing and I never got to thanks you for saving my life...can I get you that coffee?"

Phoebe was shell shocked she just nodded her head, "Yeah, sure..."

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