FEEDING THE DUCKS
Author's note: One of my longest stories yet. It is set after 'Sanctuary' but it doesn't really have to be seen to understand the story. The song is by 'Rise against' and called 'Like an angel'.
Elizabeth stared at the rippling surface. The courtyard was a beautiful place, a large pond sat in the middle, covered in things that could be classified as water lilies, with small goldfish like things swimming around in it. Elizabeth had always remembered the pond she spent so much time at when she lived on Earth.
Feeding the ducks.
That was one thing she dearly missed about Earth. The millions of birds.
Footsteps sounded behind her, soft footfalls she recognized instantly. She didn't move.
"Elizabeth?" His soft voice wavered; she could almost sense his worry. She still didn't turn.
"Elizabeth?" He asked again, taking a few steps closer. "I'm sorry Elizabeth."
She refused to move.
He sat besides her, silently watching her from the corner of his brown deep eyes.
"I never meant to hurt you." He whispered, gently laying a hand on her arm. She pulled it away and climbed to her feet, keeping the tears away as she blindly ran toward the door.
She, at the doorway, glanced back, noticing his head had slumped down in sadness.
They turn the lights down low,
in shadows hiding from the world,
only coming out when it gets cold
It had almost killed her. It had almost killed Elizabeth to see John in the arms of the ancient. At first it had been a strange numb feeling that Elizabeth hadn't been expecting every time she saw John with Chaya Sar. Then quickly it progressed to a tingly feeling and finally to a blown out pain every time she saw his hand in hers.
Now to see what happened before:
"Elizabeth…" John began, staring at where the white light had been a second before. "I need to go and find out what's going on."
Elizabeth nodded.
"Permission granted." Elizabeth felt a small tingly feeling. Would John come after her if she went missing?
John flew through the roof a few minutes later in the ship, his face set in stubborn determination. Suddenly gut-wrenching fear took over and Elizabeth ran in the direction of the puddle jumper.
"You can't take all the Wraith ships out with one ship!"
All that was going through her mind was 'please stay…please stay with me John…'
John glanced at her and the ship stopped in mid air. Was he deciding to stay?
"I will have to then."
And with those words he flew through the Stargate.
The seas part when they hit the floor,
the voices carry on and out the door
and everything you touch turns into gold
Elizabeth stared blankly as the Stargate event horizon switched off.
Ford walked up behind her with Teyla and McKay.
"Get another puddle jumper out after him." Weir said without emotion.
'He left me for another…I thought...I thought…''You thought what Elizabeth?' A small voice asked in her brain.
'I thought we shared a connection.'
The small voice laughed cruelly.
'You were wrong.'
Rodney began protesting once the order had been made, and Ford joined quickly in, sticking up for Elizabeth and ordering McKay to get in a puddle jumper or move out of his way.
He was ready to die for Major Sheppard.
"It would be suicide Elizabeth!" McKay pointed out loudly, "John made his own decision."
But Teyla had been watching Elizabeth closely, she watched Elizabeth's face rage, as if a battle was raging in her subconscious.
As Ford and McKay began to argue, Teyla took a small step forward, tapping McKay and Aiden on the shoulders and there arguing stopped as they stared at Liz, watching her.
"Elizabeth?" Rodney asked quietly "Are you okay?"
Without a word Elizabeth's knees buckled and she began to fall, Rodney reached out and missed, but Ford leaped forward and with his quick reflexes caught Elizabeth before she hit the ground.
"Get a med team! Quick!"
Like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(your answer's always 'maybe')
that's when I got up and left
John arrived back, a smile on his face and his eyes pretending to be lively. But he knew, inside, he was hollow. What about Elizabeth? He had seen the way she had looked at him in desperation when he left. Her eyes betrayed the pain and confusion she felt inside. John wanted to jump out of the jumper then and comfort her, but he turned his feelings into food to serve his determination. He flew through the Stargate, knowing if he died, it would tear Elizabeth apart.
If he had only known he had already died in her mind. He was gone. Forever.
He stepped from the puddle jumper, half expecting to see Elizabeth's smiling and curious face. But it wasn't there. McKay stood with Ford and Teyla, grim expressions on their faces. John strutted up to them; only to be met with a left hook to his jaw. He sprawled to the ground and quickly climbed to his feet, extremely confused; only to see McKay walk off, cradling his hand. Ford shrugged his shoulders and John felt anger boiling up inside him.
He was about to chase McKay down and pummel him senseless, when Teyla's hand pulled at his arm gently. Raising his eyebrows in question, he turned to the two remaining team members, only to hear one word from Ford's mouth.
"Elizabeth."
And that was all he needed to hear. There grim faces and the bruise forming on his cheek left no questions needed to be answered and John ran to the infirmary, bursting through the doors only to see nurses and Bekket gathered around a limp form on a bed. Her pale face was all he needed to see before he collapsed backwards into a chair.
A beating heart and a microphone,
a ticking clock in an empty home
still tells of these times so long ago,
and even though I've come so far, I know
I've got so far to go and any day now I'll explode
John didn't listen much to the babble Bekket said as he explained about Elizabeth. All he heard was 'self induced coma' before his ear shut off and he was left with a giant numb feeling.
Elizabeth was in a coma.
It was his fault Elizabeth was in a coma.
He sat by her bed for three days and four nights before Elizabeth finally decided to show herself. Her eyes opened blearily when he was asleep, his head resting on her arm. She looked around carefully before spotting him. Bekket walked in only to find her staring at him, eyes full of tears. Carson understood immediately when he saw John lying asleep. He nodded slightly and woke John.
John opened his eyes at Bekket's touch to find Elizabeth had changed position and was now lying with her back to him.
"Elizabeth?" He whispered, eyes wide and standing, trying to see her face.
"Major Sheppard you need to go." Carson whispered, pulling John away.
Sheppard struggled madly, trying to see Elizabeth, but Carson was strong and John was weak after sitting next to her bed for so long.
He was pushed out the doors and angrily John kicked the wall before sliding down to the ground, eyes full of unshed tears.
"Are you going to sit here," A voice started above him; "Or are you going to fight to get her back."
John looked up to see McKay, staring down at John with something that looked like disgust on his face.
"Why?" John asked, choking back tears.
McKay looked at his feet angrily.
"Because she loves you. She always has. And I would hate to see you hurt her any more then you already have."
John stared.
"Why do you care?"
"Because if a man in love can't have the one he loves, he wants them to be as happy as they can possibly be." He offered a hand to John. "And she'll be happy with you."
John stood up.
"Thanks Rodney."
McKay nodded and walked away without a single other word, John was amazed McKay had feelings for Elizabeth, but then, he reminded himself, so did half the people in the city.
Like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(your answer's always 'maybe')
that's when I got up and left
John watched Elizabeth run from the courtyard she loved to sit in. He had been the reason for her running away. It had been a while since she was excused from the infirmary, and she sat by the pond nearly every day, a sad expression on her face.
She still talked to John in briefings, but she was cold and civil, not the same Elizabeth Weir that gave John that special smile reserved for him, or that same Elizabeth Weir who's face would blush red when he made an outrageous comment.
This Elizabeth Weir was broken.
And he had broken her.
It was a daunting thought. He lowered his head in sadness, tears running from his eyes.
"I can't go on like this anymore." He whispered aloud to the person standing behind him. "I can't live seeing her like this." Teyla sat beside him.
"Send her something meaningful." Teyla said cryptically, resting a hand on John's shoulder.
"What?" He asked, glancing up at her.
"You soul." She whispered.
John shook his head in frustration.
"And how do I do that?"
Teyla winked. "Come with me."
Each and everyday it leads into tomorrow
and tomorrow brings one less day without you
but don't wait up just leave the light on
cause all the roads that I might take will all one day lead back to you
Elizabeth tiredly walked into her quarters after a long day. Seeing John in the briefing was hard, again. She watched him walk through the Stargate with his team, ready to explore another world. She felt hurt John hadn't done more to regain her trust, but after a few failed attempts, he seemed to just accept it and move on.
Everyday his smile had gotten bigger and Elizabeth's heart had broken just that little bit more. Rodney kept her company a lot of the time, but it was nothing like spending time with John. Rodney was always serious and explaining about something technical. She stopped listening a long while ago.
Walking into the bathroom, she had a quick shower and changed, before deciding to have a nap before getting up and checking Grodin and his 'gate diagnostic'. She wouldn't get much sleep anyway.
Pulling the sheets of her bed back, she was surprised to see a small golden box sitting underneath. Pulling it out quizzically, she turned it over before opening it.
Inside was a picture. A picture taken of Elizabeth and John in the party after they faced and won against the wraith for the first time.
They were both enjoying themselves and laughing, John's arm was around Elizabeth's waist, and hers was sitting on his shoulder.
Sighing, she watched it for a minute before pulling it out. Behind it was a small letter, folded up. Unfolding it, she read it.
Dear Elizabeth;
Please read this whole letter before you get the urge to tear it up and throw it away. One you've read it you can hate me all you want. I guess I'm just hoping you might forgive me after this.
Before I actually get into the deep stuff, I thought you might want to know what gave me this idea. Teyla. She told me in Athosian tradition, if I were to send a picture just of us both that we both liked (I hope we both like it…) and write down both my innermost feelings about you and the secrets of my past that no one knows, well I can give you my soul. So, technically, my soul is now floating around in that frame in the photo.
I hope it is anyway, because I really want you to have it.
You can throw it out if you want after you have read this, because if you don't forgive me, I won't need it anymore. Because I can't live as we have been for the last few days. I can't live seeing you so hurt.
And there begins my big 'innermost' feelings. I love you Elizabeth. More then I ever have loved anyone in my life. I might flirt a lot, but all the time I'm always thinking about you. I never have once here in Atlantis followed through with any of the flirting, because I know the woman I've always wanted is you. I can't breath with you not around Elizabeth.
Now onto the secrets. I don't want to bore you with all this talking, so I'll keep it short and sweet. I'm smart. Yep there it is. I betcha didn't know that now did you? Have you ever wondered why I was so good in planning attacks? My teachers said I was a mathematical genius. Yeah, and I guess I was. Even now I have my smart moments.
But I don't brag too much. I'd never admit to anyone other then you Elizabeth. You're the first in my entire life to know why I stopped being smart.
I stopped because my father died. There is another secret you never knew. Did you ever wonder why I never left any message to my family? Because I have no family.
My father was a part of the Air Force for thirty years. And then he had me. A mathematical genius. A boy who never cared for sport and fitness. Or the military. And it killed him to see it. He forced me to play sport; he forced me to think whatever people thought of me mattered. He forced me to be someone I never was. Then he died the year I joined the Air Force. Shot down in his plane. My family blamed me; they went suddenly against the military. And I was a part of the military. I was exiled. You see, I never much had a care for authority. Reminded me of my father too much.
But he changed me. Forever. Now I play a heap of sport. I'm loud, popular, and not smart at all. And I'm still in the military.
I'm sorry I hurt you Elizabeth. Chaya Sar, reminded me of the woman my father wanted me to marry. I thought I loved her. But secretly, I knew I never loved her. I always loved you. It kills me to see you so upset, so here I end this letter. If you forgive me, I should be back from my mission. If you don't I will be back soon anyway, but if you don't I'm going to retire to the mainland. But I don't want to pressure you into a decision.
Follow you heart.
John
By the end of the letter, Elizabeth was in tears. Everyone had their demons. And Elizabeth had just found out John's.
So the cocky flyboy thing all began as an act. An act to please his father.
Elizabeth then considered the letter, smiling slightly for the first time in several days, she carefully placed the photo on her bedside table, and the letter in her draw, laying down and immediately felling into a deep sleep, a smile still on her face.
Like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(your answer's always 'maybe')
that's when I got up and left
Elizabeth watching in anticipation as the Stargate began to dial. John's team was now due back, and Elizabeth could hardly wait to tell John she forgave him.
The event horizon splashed out and Teyla stepped through. She was followed quickly by McKay and Ford, and finally by a nervous looking Sheppard, who glanced around the embarkation room, only to see Elizabeth standing on the balcony. She smiled on of those oh so brilliant smiles reserved for him and he visibly relaxed, grinning in return. Ford, McKay and Teyla watched the exchange and smiled to themselves.
Everything was going to fine.
Her smile grew a little bit wider as John ran up the stairs to the balcony, stopping in front of you.
"So…" John said slowly, waiting.
Elizabeth ran forward and hugged him.
"I love you John."
Surprised, John pulled back and stared her in the face.
"You forgive me then?"
Elizabeth laughed.
"You have no reason to be sorry. Everyone makes mistakes. Just look at Simon." She grimaced and John grinned, hugging her again.
"I love you Elizabeth Weir…" He whispered into her ear.
She kissed him.
And he kissed back.
As everyone around them cheered, John suddenly pulled back and looked worried.
"You didn't…throw away the picture did you?"
Elizabeth smiled.
"Your soul belongs to you John." She said happily, "I'm just happy you offered it too me."
He took her into his arms and spun her around, and she hit him over the head but smiled.
Atlantis was suddenly looking a lot more like home.
The End