Sweet Jebus, this chapter is so full of angst it was almost painful to
write. But its not the end, take heart, we keep rolling on! Keep the
reviews coming, and I'd love to hear from any of you about what you
like/don't like.
"Ramza"
Voices. In my head, in the back, somewhere. I'm trying to claw my way out of the darkness, to wake up, to do something, anything. Everything is blurry around me, I can distinctly feel the rain on me, my armor is soaked to the bone, the leather grips me like a vice. I want to shiver, my body aches to, but it can't move, warped in place by invisible constraints.
"Why Ramza? Why did you bring us here? To die?"
"No" I whisper. My own voice is not my own, its sickly, twisted, it sounds like.like something else. I try again, "No, I never meant to." No good, what's happening? What is this? The voice, I don't understand.
"Why? You risked us all to just save your sister. Is that how it works? Ten lives for one? Where is she now?"
I don't know. I don't know. The tears fog my eyes, I just don't KNOW! "I never asked to be a hero." The only thing I can think of to say, what else? "I didn't want anyone to die, I didn't want to hurt anyone, I just wanted to get away." I did, didn't I? I never wanted to be the son of Balbanes, I never wanted to be nobility, I never wanted to be a king. If I had the choice, I would've done my life differently. I just want, to help people.
"You killed us."
"Mustadio?" The name comes to my brain; it's out of my mouth before I can think. Who's voice? What's going on? "Where are you?"
"I'm in hell Ramza." The voice.it's deep, it's quiet. What's going on? In hell? Am I dead? Is that what it's all about?
The spinning sensation suddenly increases, and I have the distinct feeling I'm not in the same position. The brief vertigo only serves to remind me mostly of my lack of control. I need to get away, but my limbs still won't respond, all I can feel is the coppery taste of blood running down my mouth, the tears in the corners of my eyes, and that utter lack of being able to do anything.
"Brother, Brother Ramza?"
"Alma!" My sister, what?
"You couldn't save me Ramza. You shouldn't have come, it was all in vain."
No, that can't be right. We can't all be dead can we? I don't want this, but I can't move. "Alma, I'm sorry, I couldn't be stronger."
"Don't be sorry brother. There was nothing you can do. But I have to go now." Her voice begins to echo, fading away, slowly disappearing. Again.
"No, Alma!" I've got to move, got to get up; I can't lose my sister, not like this, not again, not ever. My legs burn, my arms are stiff and my lungs afire, running, through the inky darkness, I'm dimly aware of the blood racing down my chest from a wound, but I can't stop, got to keep going, to keep moving, to save my own sister. Just in the distance, I can make out her shadowy form. She embraces someone else, a tall woman with blond hair silken form fitting garnments, it's Nede! Next to her is the solid form of Ryudo, his long Muramasa at his waist and his shogun stylized armor distinctive, kissing Nede deeply, they lead Alma away.
"No!"
A sudden impact, and I'm falling backwards until I land with a thump, before me, such a sight for sore eyes. Agrias. Garbed in her Maxmillion, sword strapped to her back. Never before have I been so ecstatic to see her battle worn form, the blood on her hair and the scars on her cheek.
"Agrias, we've got to go, after them. Nede and Ryudo, and Alma!" But Agrias just stands there, blocking the path. She shakes her head slowly, and only then can I see her eyes. Round and sad, with tears and blood leaking down her face. She pulls me back to my feet, and before I can open my mouth she embraces me, a hug. I've never hugged Agrias before, a pat on the back, a friendly grasp on the shoulder, but never before, a hug. "Shh Ramza, it's ok."
Her body fairly heaves with sobs, and for the moment, I can't do anything more than pull her closer. I want so much to touch her, to make her know we'll find the way out of it. To do something, to be someone, just to heal the wounds.
"We can't go there Ramza, it is not our place." Her voice is cracked, the pitch stings my ears, it makes me flinch. The emotion is almost like being punched, why? "We cannot go there, unless."
"Unless what?" The desperation leaks through me, I need to know, I need to understand, I need to help them. I can't lose them again, not like this.
The Ragnarok appears in my hands, and Agrias steps back hesitantly. "Kill me, release me from my torment, let me be free." My mouth is agape, I can't move, can't breathe, I have to get out of this, get away, to collect my thoughts. I can't, I won't. Agrias wouldn't ask this, but the hilt of the Ragnarok is heavy in my hands, it's cooling weight, it's reassuring hold.
"No, I can't do that." I try to lick my lips, but my tongue is dry. It's not my voice again. I try to release the Ragnarok, but my gauntlet is locked around it, the rainwater falls in a breaker around me, pushing me down, I want to sit, to let my knee's buckle, but I can't, my whole life has been like watching it all from the outside, until now, I can't do anything. "I won't kill you, I can't, don't ask me to."
"Please Ramza!" Her voice practically begs, it disturbs me, I've never heard that before, never seen it. Her anguish tears at me, like being ripped up and having your soul torn out. "Please." it sounds like a broken kitten, mewing at me, for an instant, my heart almost stops beating. Her proud shoulder's slump, her eyes downcast, and she almost falls forward. Why? Why did she go through all this.for me, of course, being a bodyguard, but what more can I do? For all the things she's done for me, taken an arrow, shoved me out of the way, stood by me, I cannot do this. I am weak.
"I cannot." With incredible effort, I release the Ragnarok, it falls limply to the ground next to me.
With haunting eyes, Agrias looks up at me, sadness, an anguish that drives sharp knives into my heart. No please. I would rather be torn apart for eternity by Ultima, then face those eyes again. With a disparaging wail, she fades away into the blackness, and I'm left standing alone, in the rain.
"Ramza"
That voice I know all too well. The subtle tuggings, the voice of the shadows, words spoken by the evil. Lucavi.
"I can offer you a way, I can release you. Return you to the others."
"No" The vindictiveness of my tone startles even me. I will not be subverted. I will not give into weakness, I will not become a servant of darkness.
"You have nothing left, you are a weak, pathetic shell of a mortal"
"No" I clutch the Ragnarok, I will not be corrupted.
"You are weak, you have no friends, even Heaven will not accept the soul of the heretic."
"No."
"There is nothing for you. I am your god now."
With a final burst of raw desperation, I race forward, piercing the darkness. And then I'm falling. Falling into the inky void. Falling away. Into Oblivion.
We all fight our own demons, in our own way, some falter, some are strong. Some are the rocks which others stand upon, others are the darkness itself, to reach up and grab us. But regardless, we all face the same thing, Despair.
Thanks everyone for reading this far, I couldn't have gotten here without you all, stay tuned for the continuation of my fic! Peace out and keep the reviews coming!
"Ramza"
Voices. In my head, in the back, somewhere. I'm trying to claw my way out of the darkness, to wake up, to do something, anything. Everything is blurry around me, I can distinctly feel the rain on me, my armor is soaked to the bone, the leather grips me like a vice. I want to shiver, my body aches to, but it can't move, warped in place by invisible constraints.
"Why Ramza? Why did you bring us here? To die?"
"No" I whisper. My own voice is not my own, its sickly, twisted, it sounds like.like something else. I try again, "No, I never meant to." No good, what's happening? What is this? The voice, I don't understand.
"Why? You risked us all to just save your sister. Is that how it works? Ten lives for one? Where is she now?"
I don't know. I don't know. The tears fog my eyes, I just don't KNOW! "I never asked to be a hero." The only thing I can think of to say, what else? "I didn't want anyone to die, I didn't want to hurt anyone, I just wanted to get away." I did, didn't I? I never wanted to be the son of Balbanes, I never wanted to be nobility, I never wanted to be a king. If I had the choice, I would've done my life differently. I just want, to help people.
"You killed us."
"Mustadio?" The name comes to my brain; it's out of my mouth before I can think. Who's voice? What's going on? "Where are you?"
"I'm in hell Ramza." The voice.it's deep, it's quiet. What's going on? In hell? Am I dead? Is that what it's all about?
The spinning sensation suddenly increases, and I have the distinct feeling I'm not in the same position. The brief vertigo only serves to remind me mostly of my lack of control. I need to get away, but my limbs still won't respond, all I can feel is the coppery taste of blood running down my mouth, the tears in the corners of my eyes, and that utter lack of being able to do anything.
"Brother, Brother Ramza?"
"Alma!" My sister, what?
"You couldn't save me Ramza. You shouldn't have come, it was all in vain."
No, that can't be right. We can't all be dead can we? I don't want this, but I can't move. "Alma, I'm sorry, I couldn't be stronger."
"Don't be sorry brother. There was nothing you can do. But I have to go now." Her voice begins to echo, fading away, slowly disappearing. Again.
"No, Alma!" I've got to move, got to get up; I can't lose my sister, not like this, not again, not ever. My legs burn, my arms are stiff and my lungs afire, running, through the inky darkness, I'm dimly aware of the blood racing down my chest from a wound, but I can't stop, got to keep going, to keep moving, to save my own sister. Just in the distance, I can make out her shadowy form. She embraces someone else, a tall woman with blond hair silken form fitting garnments, it's Nede! Next to her is the solid form of Ryudo, his long Muramasa at his waist and his shogun stylized armor distinctive, kissing Nede deeply, they lead Alma away.
"No!"
A sudden impact, and I'm falling backwards until I land with a thump, before me, such a sight for sore eyes. Agrias. Garbed in her Maxmillion, sword strapped to her back. Never before have I been so ecstatic to see her battle worn form, the blood on her hair and the scars on her cheek.
"Agrias, we've got to go, after them. Nede and Ryudo, and Alma!" But Agrias just stands there, blocking the path. She shakes her head slowly, and only then can I see her eyes. Round and sad, with tears and blood leaking down her face. She pulls me back to my feet, and before I can open my mouth she embraces me, a hug. I've never hugged Agrias before, a pat on the back, a friendly grasp on the shoulder, but never before, a hug. "Shh Ramza, it's ok."
Her body fairly heaves with sobs, and for the moment, I can't do anything more than pull her closer. I want so much to touch her, to make her know we'll find the way out of it. To do something, to be someone, just to heal the wounds.
"We can't go there Ramza, it is not our place." Her voice is cracked, the pitch stings my ears, it makes me flinch. The emotion is almost like being punched, why? "We cannot go there, unless."
"Unless what?" The desperation leaks through me, I need to know, I need to understand, I need to help them. I can't lose them again, not like this.
The Ragnarok appears in my hands, and Agrias steps back hesitantly. "Kill me, release me from my torment, let me be free." My mouth is agape, I can't move, can't breathe, I have to get out of this, get away, to collect my thoughts. I can't, I won't. Agrias wouldn't ask this, but the hilt of the Ragnarok is heavy in my hands, it's cooling weight, it's reassuring hold.
"No, I can't do that." I try to lick my lips, but my tongue is dry. It's not my voice again. I try to release the Ragnarok, but my gauntlet is locked around it, the rainwater falls in a breaker around me, pushing me down, I want to sit, to let my knee's buckle, but I can't, my whole life has been like watching it all from the outside, until now, I can't do anything. "I won't kill you, I can't, don't ask me to."
"Please Ramza!" Her voice practically begs, it disturbs me, I've never heard that before, never seen it. Her anguish tears at me, like being ripped up and having your soul torn out. "Please." it sounds like a broken kitten, mewing at me, for an instant, my heart almost stops beating. Her proud shoulder's slump, her eyes downcast, and she almost falls forward. Why? Why did she go through all this.for me, of course, being a bodyguard, but what more can I do? For all the things she's done for me, taken an arrow, shoved me out of the way, stood by me, I cannot do this. I am weak.
"I cannot." With incredible effort, I release the Ragnarok, it falls limply to the ground next to me.
With haunting eyes, Agrias looks up at me, sadness, an anguish that drives sharp knives into my heart. No please. I would rather be torn apart for eternity by Ultima, then face those eyes again. With a disparaging wail, she fades away into the blackness, and I'm left standing alone, in the rain.
"Ramza"
That voice I know all too well. The subtle tuggings, the voice of the shadows, words spoken by the evil. Lucavi.
"I can offer you a way, I can release you. Return you to the others."
"No" The vindictiveness of my tone startles even me. I will not be subverted. I will not give into weakness, I will not become a servant of darkness.
"You have nothing left, you are a weak, pathetic shell of a mortal"
"No" I clutch the Ragnarok, I will not be corrupted.
"You are weak, you have no friends, even Heaven will not accept the soul of the heretic."
"No."
"There is nothing for you. I am your god now."
With a final burst of raw desperation, I race forward, piercing the darkness. And then I'm falling. Falling into the inky void. Falling away. Into Oblivion.
We all fight our own demons, in our own way, some falter, some are strong. Some are the rocks which others stand upon, others are the darkness itself, to reach up and grab us. But regardless, we all face the same thing, Despair.
Thanks everyone for reading this far, I couldn't have gotten here without you all, stay tuned for the continuation of my fic! Peace out and keep the reviews coming!