Disclaimer: I own nothing; if I did, I would be rich and famous and wouldn't be writing fan fiction.
CHAPTER TWO: BY MYSELF
I don't know how long it's been. It feels like months, maybe even years. Realistically, I know it's probably only been a couple of weeks. I find myself desperately clinging to the last shreds of my sanity, even at this relatively early point of my imprisonment. I used to think I was strong, mentally if not physically; but already Azkaban is breaking me. Although I am no longer the person that I was before I was ostrisized from the wizarding world, I haven't completely lost myself to the dementors...yet. I know it's only a matter of time; I can't hold on forever. But maybe if I change myself, become someone else, someone immune to the terrors of this island fortress, then I can keep myself from becoming a hollow, wraith-like shell.
The process has already started; I've already changed so much. I am wiser, so much wiser than the naive, little boy I was before all this, though not any better off for it. I'm cynical and bitter, not like the happy-go-lucky, the-worlds-worth-fighting-for facade I used to wear. But what's the point of wearing a mask in here? It's not like anyone else can see me; it's not like a have a reptutation to uphold.
My new self (I still have to think of a name for him) has helped me see the world and everything that happened before the cell in a new light; though perhaps a shadow would be a better description, nothing about me is light anymore. It's helped me see the way I was manipulated and the illusion that obscured my vision like fog has now been blown away. I didn't see it then, back before I changed. I didn't see the way they played me like the fool that I was; they all did it. But now my inner Slytherin has been unleashed, the only part of my former self to survive, and there is no way to supress these morbid thoughts; not like I'd want to anyways. The anger and hate is all the dementors will allow me to feel, and I want to feel something; even being filled with depressing thoughts is better than the emptyness that has been threatening to overwhelm me these past...however long its been.
Besides, its easy to hate them. I hate them all for what they did to me, and rightfully so. They fed me lies when they needed me to fight for them, only telling me what they thought would shift my opinion in their favor. Used me like a little puppet. Made me so desperate for love and acceptance that I would do anything to please. They are the ones that placed me with the Dursleys. They must have known what they were like. How could they not have? My Hogwart's letter was addressed to the cupboard under the stairs for fuck's sake; that means they knew about the abuse, the neglect--and yet did nothing to stop it.
They neglected me in their own way. I never even knew about the wizarding world until I turned eleven and was accepted to Hogwarts. They claim the Dursleys were supposed to tell me, that it had all been written in a letter they left with me when they abandoned me to my "relatives." Well, that's just great. A letter. Yeah, that would have made things soooo much better. There is so much that they have done to me, but abandoning me to the horrors of Azkaban is, by far, the worst. I try not to think about it, the events that led up to my imprisonment; they're still too fresh, still too painful, but I am reminded each day when I find myself waking up all alone here in this horrible cell.
Not only did they abandon me, but they poisened me as well. Set me up. Made it so that I would be sure to get placed in Gryffindor. Couldn't have their little Golden Boy end up in the nasty, evil Slytherin house, now could they? They ensured the prejudices. Couldn't have me become another Voldemort. No, but they did need someone to fight against him, and who better than the one person Voldemort hadn't been able to kill and had almost ended his miserable life, even if I was only a year old and truthfully had nothing to do with the occurence? I didn't mind back then. Voldemort killed people, he killed my parents, he's obviously evil. It was a good enough reason for me. I didn't think twice about the fact that Voldemort was the enemy. The world was black and white, and I was all the happier for it. Of course, the "light side" had probably killed plenty of people as well, they fought in the war too, but they purposefully failed to mention that, and I was too ignorant to realize that they had placed me in blinders, like a horse, so that I wouldn't get distracted from the path they intended me to follow.
They all did it to me, they all decieved me, but Dumbledor the most. I trusted him. I had complete faith that he wouldn't let anything happen to me; after all, he cared for me, right? Yeah right. I trusted him...and look where it got me. A one way ticket to Azkaban. Ha! It appears that I haven't completely lost my sense of humor, even if my laugh is now more like a derisive snort. For some reason I find this whole twisted situation horribly ammusing in a morbid and sadistic way. I wouldn't have, a year ago...a month ago? I don't know how long it's been.
It scares me, not knowing. The wizarding world could be in total chaous, in a fucking uproar, and I wouldn't be any the wiser. Don't get me wrong; I don't actually care about those two-faced, backstabbing bastards. Why should I? But still...it disturbs me that I'm hidden away in this God awful cell, oblivious to the world at large; I don't even know what day it is...or what month. I feel helpless, like at any moment someone could come in here and off me; one simple flick of a wand and an "avada kedavra" and that's it, bye-bye boy-who-lived. There are plenty of people I know of who would want to do such a thing and, I'm sure, many more that I don't know of. Anyways, I've already established that I don't want to die; not like this--not in here.
I've been working on escape plans, but the only thing I've got so far is: There is no way to escape. Perhaps if I was an animagus or...or what? I'm a fifteen year old boy who hasn't even finished school yet. It's hopeless. What's the use in trying? What am I going to do--outsmart the hundred or so God damned aurors that are stalking the place like busy little bees swarming about their hive and ready to attack at any minute? Or, perhaps I'll just learn how to become an animagus like Sirius, it only took him three years to learn how--and that was with the help of his friends and books--God! I wouldn't even know where to begin. And Sirius--God how I miss him!--it took him twelve fucking years to escape, even with his animagus ability.
I was stupid to think I could ever possibly escape. Sure, I've faced Voldemort (I'm not even sure how many times anymore) but this; this is different. Voldemort was only one wizard, a powerful wizard, an experienced wizard, but--even with the handful of death eaters he had with him at his resurrection--it cannot compare to this. Now there are hundreds of wizards who would be sent out at the drop of a hat if they even thought I was trying to escape. I'd have no one to turn to even if I could somehow get out, though the chances of that happening are about the same as Snape dressing up like Neville's gran and dancing the hula. Now that would be a sight. Azkaban would be worth escaping just for that alone. But what would I do if I got out? I'd have no where to go, no money, nothing. Sure, I'd have my freedom...but what would I do with it?
Author's Note: First off, thanx a bunch to everyone who reviewed! I've never gotten this many reviews on a story, and it means a lot to me that you like it. To answer your questions:
Blue Squirtle15: This is not, I repeat NOT going to be one of the typical "Harry is sent to prison, gets amazing powers then escapes and everyone is sorry." First off, Harry is not suddenly going to become the best wizard since Merlin himself and suddenly be all powerful and able to blast his way out of Azkaban in a jiffy. It's not that I don't like those kinds of stories, but, let's face it, they aren't very realistic. Secondly, don't worry; this is not going to be one of those stories where everyone is sorry and, because Harry is just such a wonderful person, he automatically forgives them. Trust me, don't expect this story to be like any of the "Harry is abandoned and sent to Azkaban" ones that you've ever seen.
Crystalline: The issue of why Harry was sent to Azkaban isn't going to be addressed 'til a little later in the story. It isn't because of anything that happened in the actual books, though, I can tell you that much. This is a 6th year fic, and everything that happened in OoTP has happened in this story. Of course, more has happened since then (like over the summer, etc.) that result in Harry getting thrown in Azkaban and everything that you've seen in the story. Ron and Hermione? They'll eventually come into play, but as of now, they are at Hogwarts and are going through their 6th year and preparing for the war with Voldemort. Everything will be explained eventually...it just might take a while.
Serena24: I can't exactly tell you what will happen that will result in Harry's leaving Azkaban, but I will say that he doesn't use wandless magic to do so. In my mind, it doesn't make sense that the Ministry of Magic wouldn't put up safeguards against things like wandless magic. Azkaban is a highly secure wizard prison and, especially after Sirius's escape, would be extremely difficult to escape from (I imagine it to be something like Alkatraz--not too sure on the spelling there, I'm probably way off--only even worse because of magical barriers and such.) You'll just have to wait and see what happens ;)
To everyone: Make sure to tune in for the next chapter where Harry finally gets out (at least that's what I'm planning on happening) and meets up with a few old accountances. Finally, a couple things are going to get explained!