Part 4
The plane started to descend and I let out a sighed of relief. I hated sitting still for so long. I tried to be patient but gave up an hour into the flight. I had paced up and down the aisles and gotten the passengers so nervous that the flight attendants were threatening to put me in restraints if I didn't settle down. I explained to them that I was on official business for the Air Force, I was on a classified mission. I then apologized for giving them such a hard time and promised to behave myself. They let me go back to my seat. I had to hold it together butdamn if they only knew thatI was a man on a mission.
The mission being going to San Diego to bring back the one person the SGC needed just as much as they needed the Stargate.
I was going to tell her that there was no way in hell I was going to let her retire from a program I knew she loved more than anything in the world, and beyond. I was going to tell her that her resignation was not being accepted I had warned her before and had ripped the same letter a month ago on my roof and telling her in very specific terms that her request was not accepted. I'd told her there and then that she was not going to retire on my watch. I was going to try to remain calm and cool and try my damdest not to yell.
I'd use the O'Neill charm and if that didn't work I was going to threaten her with bodily harm if she didn't return to the program.
The program needed her.
They needed the ideas she'd pull out ofnowhere when all seemed lost. They needed her brain to make sure the Gou'ald would not succeed in taking over the world. She needed to comeback because the SGC needed her.
My conscious was screaming at me to go and get her. It was also telling me that it was me that was lost if she didn't return.
I had not been the same since that day I'd found her at my house, drunk out of her mind and so vulnerable. She looked so lost; seeing her in my sweater that was two sizes too big for her tore at my heart. When she started to kiss me, I nearly let myself take her there, it was what I had wanted for so long, but I knew it was wrong. When she kissed me, there would be no alcohol involved and I would know that she did it because she wanted to not because she was not thinking straight. I had pulled away for both our sakes but she lashed out. I knew why she was doing it but let her vent. When she stepped over the line I went back to my Superior Officer mode. I had to get her off the roof and into the bathroom to sober up. Her father needed her and I needed to get her to him before it was too late.
I remember losing control when she started to tell me I didn't know how it felt to lose someone you cared more than you're supposed to. I let go of the feelings I had for her and had been brutally honest and told herhow I felt. I realized now it was my way of getting back at her for the whole Pete thing. It had hurt me more than I cared to admit and when I had let loose on her I had regretted it.
I leaned back into my seat and chided myself. What did you want her to do O'Neill? Wait till you were done playing soldier? She did exactly what you told her to do she got a life and you couldn't deal with it. You tried to replace her with someone else that only ended up hurting both of them in the end. And yet I was on this very plane. My mind racing. I was there to bring her back to the SGC, and if there was a chance, bring back in my life.
I put my seat in the upright position and reached for my briefcase, the same briefcase Carter had given me after my promotion when she saw me using a backpack to carry all of my important papers.
She said it was a gift but if she only knew what it meant to receive a gift from her then she probably would have rethought the gester. It was a beautiful black leather case with my initials by the handles. I pulled out the letter she had given to General Hammond to relay to me. It was short and too the point. General Hammond had gone to visit Jacob, Sam had given it to him and asked to intercede on her behalf.
I had nearly lost it when the General had come to see me and gave me the letter. I remembered clearly yelling out that no way in hell was she retiring. Did she think so little of me to actually give the request to Hammond instead of me? The General tried to appease me but I was beyond that, I started calling the airlines for the next flight to San Diego and I asked General Hammond if he would grant me the time off to take care of the problem. He tried to talk me out of if but I was adamant that she would not be retiring.
I left like a bat out of hell. I was going to arrive late to San Diego but I didn't care I needed to see her to resolve this. There would be no sleeping till I settled this with her. She was coming back and I would not take no for an answer. I had made mistakes in handling this with her and I would make amends. I knew the reason she was not coming back was because of me. She had lost what she had felt for me and me being such a coward had not told her that I needed her more than she needed me.
I was going to give her more time if she needed to get herself together. The last couple of months had been hard on her. With her abduction by Fifth, taking over SG1, her father almost dying, her sudden engagement to the bastard, her change of heart causing her to dump him.
The bastard had hurt her, he had had the nerve to hit her in front of me. I still think I should have maimed him for that but was brought back to reality by her. She had taken me aside after we were told that her father was recovering and should be awake shortly. She had asked to speak to me and I followed her outside. She thanked me for interfering and said she was glad I had not hurt him anymore than I did. He was a victim of her indecision. I told her no, that she was not at fault but she insisted, if she had not led him on then none of this would have happened. I told her she was wrong and that giving him an excuse to hurt her did not make this right.
She didn't say anythingnot wanting to fight any longer andasked me for a couple of weeks off to be with Mark and her father.
Mark had invited her to come to San Diego to reconnect. I looked into her face and saw the spark that had been missing for so long. I took her hand and said that sounded great but not to get too use to the idea of being off of work. The SGC needed her.
She smiled and thanked me, she had told me that I should call Kerry with what was going on and that she was okay, she had her brother here now and if I wanted to leave she'd understand.
Understand, she understood what? I was still reeling with all the events that had happened that day and me losing control. Telling her how I felt was not part of the plan. I knew I had hurt her but it was killing me not to be able to vent what I felt. She had to be told and I felt bad doing that to her but she didn't look any worse for wear.
Didn't she know I wasn't going anywhere? After we had bared our souls to one another we were bonded to one another for life. I told her I wasn't going anywhere that I would be here or at the SGC until Dad woke up. I remembered telling her I had spoken to Kerry to update her on what was going on. I didn't tell her that Kerry had pleaded with me to come to her. Did Kerry already know that it would not work between us that I was trying to get over Sam by dating her?
I was about to apologize to her for what I had said earlier when Mark came out looking for Sam, saying that the Dr. wanted to speak to us. She thanked me again and ran inside. Dr. Anise said that Dad was recovering nicely and would be awakening soon. I saw the relief on Sam's face and Mark pulled her into his arms, hugged her. Anise looked like she was ready to pass out and I asked if she wanted to rest. She smiled and thanked me for my in sight. I led her away to a room where she could rest.
Daniel and Teal'c had left after they heard the news that Jacob would be okay. Mark and Sam were going to stay until dad woke. I felt I was intruding and told them I was going back to the base to see how things were going. General Hammond asked for a ride so he could crash out in one of the VIP rooms till his flight the next day. He gave Sam a hug and I heard her whisper her thanks in getting Anise here. He smiled, said anytime and to call him when Jacob woke. He embraced Mark and he gave his thanks also. She turned to me and didn't say anything. She reached out and took my hand and squeezed it. She looked at me. I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to caress her cheek to pull her into my arms and tell her I was sorry for all the pain I had ever given her. But I was afraid. I didn't know how to approach this so I did nothing but stepped back, as usual, when I should have taken my chances, and told her what was in my heart. The doubts were still in my skeptical mind and I needed to regroup. I could see the hurt in her eyes. She let go and cleared her throat, reminded me about her taking time off, that she would be coming into the SGC to give instructions to the scientist staff about stuff she would be leaving behind.
Jacob had woken that day and just seeing the smile on Sam's face I knew I could never hate her. That I was destined to love her for the rest of my life and if I was lucky enough she would forgive me for being such an ass to her. Jacob left the hospital the next day they were planning on leaving for San Diego in 2 days. He had Anise ask the Tok'ra Council for time away and was granted time to recover. Jacob had heard about all that had transpired at the hospital with Sam and Pete and was not a happy snake. He wanted to hunt down Pete and let Selmac give him the scare of his life. Mark had apologized again for setting Sam up with such a loser.
Mark turned out to be a good guy after everything settled down. He had come up to me, extended his hand and thanked me for looking out for his family. I was taken aback but took his hand and said it was my job to keep an eye out for the people I worked with.
He shook his head and said his father was right, that I would put my life on the line for anyone on my team but when faced with a compliment I would turn tail and go into my military mode. We hit it off after that, he even loved hockey so he couldn't be such a bad guy.
Jacob had cornered me the day before they left and had made me tell him everything that had been going on since the last time he was on earth. Sam had skirted around most of the subjects and he didn't want to press her. She would tell him in due time he said but wanted to be prepared for the worse. I told him everything that had happen since after the Alpha site incident and he didn't interrupt. After I was done, Jacob was speechless. Selmac came in to let me know that Jacob thanked me for my honesty and if I could give them some time alone to digest all that was said. I left him alone and went back to the base.
Sam was their tying up some loose ends, not wanting to leave us in such a lurch. Dr. Felger and Combs where overjoyed that she had left them with the majority of her unfinished projects and promised to be extra careful. Which she didn't really believe, but she didn't have much choice. She came to my office right before she left. She looked tired and the bruise on her cheek only accented the dark circles under her eyes. I had to resist the urge to get off my seat and take her in my arms, telling her that it'd be ok, that I was here now. She tried to talk me out of taking them to the airport but I told her I was trying to score points with her father and Mark. She chuckled and said she thought at the moment they liked me more than her. I nodded my head no and said they loved her more than words could ever say. She smiled and thanked me for the compliment.
She gave me her latest report and had given me a summary of the projects she had left to the scientist teams. She also said that she didn't want to take her cell phone, she wanted to be away with no interruptions, but if I wanted she would take one with her. I told her that wasn't necessary but to leave Mark's number just in case.
She tried again to talk me out of taking them to the airport but I refused. I needed to spend as much time with her as necessary I told her I wouldn't take no for an answer
The airport was busy and we got there late thanks to Daniel and Teal'c impromptu visit in wanting to make Sam and her family breakfast before leaving. I had been thinking of what I wanted to tell her and was about to speak when she asked how Kerry was and when were we going to finally go fishing.
I could see the hurt still in her eyes and was interrupted by Jacob when they announce the final boarding to the plane. I told Jacob to relax and have a nice time and Mark to keep an eye on both of them. Sam waved them ahead and I pulled her in to my arms for a hug. I whispered to her that she had better be well and rested when she got back and if I heard she was doing any thing related to work I was going to court martial her. She pulled back and laughed and caressed my cheek. I pulled back and she let me go. I told her to hurry back the SGC needed her. She tried to smile but it never reached her face. She walked to the door and I watched her leave.
I wished her to turn around one more time. I held my breath and waited. She stopped turned around and I could have sworn I saw tears in her eyes. She raised her hand and waved before the door closed.
I let out my breath and remembered that last time. Why hadn't I answered Carter when she asked me if I was taking Kerry fishing? Why didn't I let out those feelings right there, when it was important, when it mattered? Why couldn't I let my love show to the only person I wanted to give it too? It brought me back to the last time I had spoken to Kerry.
Kerry had waited for me that night and I never showed. The next day when I still hadn't shown up, she knew it was over. She had called the hospital to find out Jacob's condition and had one of the nurses page me to the front desk. I answered and winced when I heard her speak. I apologized and told her I was sorry. She said she understood. She asked if I could leave the purse downstairs in the lobby so she could pick it up on the way to the airport. She had a flight to Washington and needed her identification to get on the plane
I asked the lobby receptionist to give me a call when she arrived.
When Kerry arrived I tried to explain to her but she put a finger to my lip and said she knew she had only been a substitute for something I could not have. She said she had known what she was getting into but thought I was worth the fight. She said Sam was a lucky woman and asked if I could apologize to her for her being rude to her the day before.
Her words were still ringing in my ears, "Remember Jack you're someone I would fight for but you can't fight what you two have. I concede defeat and leave a little wiser in the love department. The couple of weeks we had you showed me such devotion and what I hope was love and so much promises but you always held back. But that little bit of love was worth more than any of my past relationships. You're a keeper Jack O'Neill and if for any reason it doesn't work out, give me a call, it could work between us."
She left and I was alone again, having hurt someone that I knew I could have loved but Kerry understood what was between Carter and me, and had stepped aside. I was feeling bad. She was a nice person, but I had used her when she was offering me love and a life. On the other hand, I couldn't be thankful enough to her that she showed me the way.
I was rummaging through my briefcase when the captain came on the PA system to announce we would be arriving in San Diego in 10 minutes and to thank us for flying the friendly skies, he asked the attendants to prepare for landing.
I re-read her letter and tried to remain calm.
I was going to let her have it when I got to her. How could she put me through all of this after I had granted her the time she had asked for? Time that felt like an eternity to me.
I was going to tell her that I had been miserable the last month without her being around, miserable in not seeing her or hearing her voice. Miserable thinking it was my fault that she was not coming back because of what I had said to her. I'd have the courage this time. I wouldn't be a coward. I was willing to get down on my achy knees if necessary to beg her to comeback because the SGC needed her. Ah hell I needed her.
After she had left I had thrown myself into my work. I'd stay late and would walk by her lab just to be close to her. After a couple of days I was counting the days I would see her again.
I received her call. She had asked for two more weeks. There was nothing pressing for her to comeback to. She had sounded so at peace, more relaxed than I had ever heard her. I asked her how things had been going and I could have sworn I could see her smiling through the phone when she relayed to me that they had rented a house on the beach and were having a wonderful time reconnecting. She even joked that she had taken up fishing to see what all the fuss was about. I was smiling like an idiot. She asked timidly if I had missed her. I said I hadn't missed her technobabble explanations, her constant hounding of staying longer off world and I had the supply of all types of jell-o at my finger tips so what was to miss. She giggled and I ordered her not to giggle. She started to laugh after that. I granted her two more weeks and she thanked me and had said even though I hadn't missed her she had missed us.
I told her to have a good time and to come back with a nice tan. She said she already had a tan but would work hard on it for me. I hung up and felt so distressed. I was missing her. Badly. Everywhere I went in this base was her face. Hearing her voice was so painful, I wanted her back here, I was even ready to listen to hours of her babbling. But I knew it was the right thing to give her this time. It would kill me but I'd learn to survive.
Two more weeks passed. The base had been on pins and needles since she had asked for more time. I was like a lion with a thorn in my paw and no one could appease me. Daniel and Teal'c had taken the brunt of my anger and had finally sat me down and asked me why I had given her the time if it was making me so miserable. I asked them over to my house for dinner as a peace offering and after steaks and beer I had told them what had happen when I had found Sam at my house and at the hospital and what had happen with Pete at the hospital. Since I was bearing my soul I told them about Kerry. They were stunned but supportive and said that the ball was in my court and if I was to pursue anything with Sam they would support me.
Sam was scheduled to comeback on Monday morning. I had not received a call from her asking for more time and was counting the hours till I got to see her. I was going to apologize for being such a jerk.
General Hammond had shattered my control when he handed me her letter. I hit the roof I was like a caged animal and I wanted to hijack the next X-301 to get me to San Diego the fastest I could get there.
I calmed myself and hopped on the first plane out of Colorado Springs to San Diego to right the wrong I knew I was responsible for.
I had no luggage just my briefcase and a carry-on bag. I was not planning on staying long. Just long enough to convince her that we needed her. I rented a car and pulled out the directions General Hammond had given me to reach the house the Carter's were renting on the beach.
It was late but I didn't care. The rational thing one would do was to wait until morning to see her but if I did I would have lost my steam. I needed answers and I needed them now. I had to know if I was responsible for this mess. I had to tell her that I didn't want her to resign. I needed to see her I was like a drowning man looking for my life saver. It had been too long since I had seen her face and had her smile at me.
The streets were empty and I pushed the speed limit to the max. It took me an hour to get to the town they were in and another hour to find the house.
I knocked on the door and waited. No one answered right away and I banged harder hoping someone would open up. When no one answered, I started to kick the door thinking maybe I was at the wrong place.
I wondered if I could sneak in to see if I could see her alone without anyone else being around. The lights started to turn on and I heard some one yelling they'd be right there.
Mark opened the door with a bat. He was in a robe and didn't look happy I checked my watch and it was late. I saw a woman behind him with a frying pan and I heard cursing behind them that sounded like Jacob.
Mark finally focused and saw that it was me.
"Jack? What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is? Where's the fire you were banging on the door like you were about to knock it down."
Mark turned around I saw the smirk on his face and smile. "Dad, Jack's here why do you think Jack is here at this hour of night?"
I was embarrassed in my rush to get to Carter I had forgotten that I'd have to face the Carter men first.
Jacob came up behind Mark and looked furious. I started to think this was really a bad idea.
Mark was still smiling and so was the lady in the robe who I assumed was Mark's wife.
If my love wasn't in the balance I may have found that funny too, but the concept of it was not that comical right now.
Jacob shook his head and turned to answer Mark. "I don't know Mark why Jack is here, let's let him in so he can tell us before the neighbors call the police."
The door opened wide and I knew there was no turning back now. I had forgotten about the Carter men and now had to pay for waking them up and appearing at their door.
"Nothing has happened back at work has it Jack? You would have called if an emergency had happened right? Only a dire emergency would have gotten you here right?"
Jacob was bating me and was taking great pleasure in it. I could see he knew why I was here but didn't know if he was happy or upset about it. My emotions had made me jump on the first plane to San Diego. The same emotions had me tell Carter exactly what I thought of her confession in my kitchen when I had lost it and now these emotions were going to get me into trouble with Carter's family.
How would I explain to them that I was the reason Carter wanted to retire. That I had treated her so badly on my roof at my house and told her that I didn't want to be used by her anymore, that she was so hurt that she was retiring because of what I had said. I was here now and I would have to admit things I was afraid to admit too. That I wanted Carter to comeback to the SGC and to me. That she belonged there.
I was so dead.
I walked into the entryway and started to back up to the door again. Just the tone in Jacob's voice was intimidating. I started to make excuses, telling them I didn't know it was so late and maybe they were right I should comeback later. I turned to high tail it to my car when Jacob reached out and grabbed my arm.
"Jack you're already here and if I know you, you'll be here at 6:00 a.m. which is in a couple of hours and the couch is available so come in and tell us what was so important that you flew from Colorado Springs to bang on our door."
Mark was chuckling and said, "Dad come on, you know why he's here. I told you he'd come and I do believe you owe me and Molly a lobster dinner with all the trimmings. We will be collecting tonight old man."
I looked to Jacob and Mark and the lady that had just handed me a cup of coffee.
"Oh Jack, this is my wife Molly and the two little people that are eavesdropping from the top of the stairs are Alex and Sandy."
I looked up to see two faces looking down at me. I waved and they waved back. I should have come in the morning but then I started to wonder where Carter was.
I shook Molly's hand, she smiled and asked if I wanted something to eat. I told her no, that I was sorry I bothered her and her family.
She smiled and Mark came next to her.
"See honey I told you he'd come. The couple of days I was in Colorado he was always there for dad and Sam. He's like that with people he likes but people he hates…. You should have seen Pete's face when Jack got through with him."
I was wishing for the floor to swallow me up. I was being put through the worse torture I'd ever had been faced with.
"Mr. O'Neill, my husband is just teasing you and I'm apologizing for him. He can get annoying but I'm happy to meet you finally after hearing so much about you."
"Mrs. Carter please call me Jack and you don't have to apologize. I deserve all the ribbing, this has really turned out to be a bad idea. And only believe all the good things they said about me."
Molly laughed and said not a bad word was told about me and both Carter's snorted and she asked me to call her Molly.
"If you'll excuse me I think you guys have lots of talking to do and I have to wide awake children that needed to get back to bed. I'll see you at breakfast Jack and I'm expecting you to be here. The kids want to meet you and I will not take no for an answer."
I told her I'd be here in the morning which was in a couple of hours, she kissed Mark and Jacob and made her way up the stairs.
"Hey Jack why don't we go into the kitchen and talk" Jacob motioned me to the kitchen and I followed.
I sat down and Mark sat next to me, Jacob in front of me.
"What Lobster dinner?" I asked Mark.
Mark smiled and Jacob rolled his eyes.
"I betted Dad that you would come here to try to talk Sam out of leaving the Air Force and he said you wouldn't come down but call. So I win, he loses ! Ah victory is sweet especially over Mr. Always Right over there."
They knew I was coming. God I wish I could just crawl into the nearest hole and die. I looked up to see Jacob staring at me and I took a sip of coffee.
Jacob spoke, "So Jack care to tell me why you are here. I assume you got the letter right ? and George must have given it to you and you're not happy right?"
I nodded and waited to see what he was going to say.
"This came as a surprise to me to Jack. The first couple of weeks here she seemed a little down, like she had a lot on her mind. I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong but she said that she was thinking about work. Mark got her to talk about the time I was gone on that special mission. Molly got her to tell her other stuff but Molly promised not to say anything and she seemed better after that. We finally had our heart to heart and…
Jacob stopped and swallowed hard. I could have sworn I saw tears wanting to fall but didn't say anything. Mark also saw what I was seeing and put his hand on Jacob's shoulder.
"She told me what happen on the Prometheus and after I left, her loss of Janet and almost loss of you twice in couple of months really put a strain on her. Her time with fifth is still affecting her, Jack she's still having nightmares. I missed all of this. She needed me and I wasn't around."
"I would have agreed with you if I hadn't heard everything that has happened Jack. But I don't think it's the right choice for her anymore. I know she's got so much ahead of her and for her to retire now it doesn't make sense. Hell I was just as surprised as you probably were when you read the letter but she's been trying to convince me that it's the right thing to do. I love my daughter Jack and all I want is to see her happy. You told me everything she's been through these last couple of months. I saw the pain in your eyes when you told me what had happen to her and it breaks my heart that I was not there for her. But, she's had time to think what she wants and if leaving the program is what she wants then I will not stand in her way. She deserves to be happy Jack and I know that's what you want as well. Don't make this hard on her okay? hear her out, she's changed so much since we got here and it s a change for the better."
I looked at Jacob and nodded. I was going to lose the only person I ever wanted and it was all my fault. I wanted to tell Jacob that it was my fault she was leaving. I had pushed her away, I was always worried what was best for the program and now had given the program my ultimate sacrifice: my love for Carter. Where had this all screwed up? Traveling all the way to San Diego to lose her eventually.
Mark said, "you're a good guy Jack, I've been with dad and Sam this last month and they have nothing but good things to say about you. I know you won't admit it but you have feelings for my sister and you showing up at this god awful hour only goes to prove it. You're not here to get her to come back to the program, you're here to get her back. Dad might have disagreed with me before but I think he's finally seeing the light."
Busted, I was so done. These two had figured out why I was really here. I opened my mouth to deny it but nothing came out. What could I say these two would not believe it any way. Was I so readable?
"So Jack, what are your intentions with my daughter? I am going to be around more often and Mark will be visiting more and Molly has shown interest in you also so what are your intentions."
I let out the breath I was holding and answered, "I should talk to Carter first Jacob, you don't know the whole story. I have a lot of apologizing to do and well I don't know what she's gonna say after I'm done. So can I get back to you about the intentions question? By the way, where is Carter since all the noise I created should have woken the dead. Why isn't she down here giving me a hard time like you two?"
"She's probably stargazing on the dunes. She goes out there practically every night. She bought a telescope, has her chair and sits out there all night."
I raised my eyebrow, a telescope, stargazing? I didn't know she even had the inclination to do that.
I got up and Mark sat me back down.
"Jack I need to have your word that you will not upset her. She's back to the Sam I remember before she left to join the Air Force, not that I didn't like military Sam but Sam my sister is more laid back and more at peace; please don't hurt her, she's been hurt enough; because if you do even though I like you I will punch your lights out if you make her cry."
I got up again and said I wouldn't hurt her; she might hurt me but I'd never hurt her.
Jacob showed me the way through the back door and Mark said he'd see me in a while. I really wanted to speak to her. I had lost my fighting spirit that had sustained me all the way from Colorado. They would not let her go back but I had to make an effort. God didn't they know I needed her to come back. Without here there would be no reason to go back. There would be no reasons for everything that had happened those last months.
It was still dark out and he handed me a flashlight. I could see a light in the distance and he said there was a path to follow and she would be there at the end.
"I wont wait up you too have a lot to talk about and Jack if you're what's best for my daughter I wont stand in the way. You two deserve all the happiness in the world. You've been through so much and if I didn't see how much you care for her. Selmac always pointed out for me. If you love her just an ounce as much as I loved my wife then I have no problem with you to getting together. Will find a way don't worry, oh if you two aren't back by the time I wake up in a couple of hours it wont be me you'll have to deal with it will be Selmac."
I shook Jacob's hand and made my way down the path. It was windy and the surf was crashing into the sand. I looked up to see that the sky was clear and beautiful. It was a perfect night for star gazing.
I got closer and could see her lantern. I turned my flashlight off not wanting to tip her off that someone was coming.
I arrived at the edge of her camp and she was sitting on a lounge chair with her telescope to her side and music softly playing. I came closer and stopped.
She was wearing my sweater again. When had she gone back to get it? Why did she want it? I would ask her and listen, not argue, I was through arguing with her. I came closer and was almost upon her when she opened her eyes and tackled me to the ground.
She had me pinned and I was trying to get her attention that it was me.
She heard my voice and asked, "General".
She let me go and was straddling my chest. I tried to sit up.
"Is this the way you greet everyone that comes to visit you Carter?"
Sir what are you doing here, she asked as she tried to get off of me.
"Well Carter you haven't answered me." My ego was bruised she had knocked me to the ground and it was done so easily.
She got up and stood in front of me. She extended her hand to help me up.
"Only people that try to sneak up on me if you were dad or Mark they would have called out but since you didn't I thought you weren't a friendly."
I was surprised to hear this. What did she mean I wasn't a friendly? Had someone tried before to attack her? If so then why did she continue to come out here alone?
I was getting angry again, she was losing her edge and she'd only been gone for a month.
"So this has happened before but you still come out here alone Carter, I thought you were smarter than that."
I saw her flinch and straighten her shoulders, she took a deep breath.
"Like I told you before sir I can take care of myself. I don't need you or anyone hovering around me. I can handle myself. I've been doing it since my mom died."
She sat on her chair and I could see I had upset her. I came next to her and dusted off the sand.
I was thinking aloud and must have said what I was thinking about her and Pete and how she had handled that.
She glared at me. I looked at her and said, 'I said that aloud didn't I?"
She nodded and went to open the cooler that was next to her and pulled out a beer she offered me one and I took it.
I was making her angry but I didn't care. she thought she could take care of herself but I had to disagree with her. She needed protecting but I would get to that later.
She stood up and asked again what I was doing here.
"Are you here to throw the whole Pete thing in my face now that all has settled down. Or are you here to finish the conversation we started at your house."
Her hostility was evident. She was not going to make this easy. I had to keep a level head. But she was not making this easy.
I would start with the letter.
"I got your letter and I'm here to tell you that I'm not accepting it. You are not retiring and you are going back to the SGC were you belong."
She snorted and said, "no."
She said what? my mind was reeling. She was telling me no.
"Colonel, did I not make myself clear to you before? Do you remember up on my roof when you tried to hand me your retirement letter? I said before this would not happen on my watch. So get that out of your head; end of discussion. We need you back there; you're too good to retire and as long as the Gou'ald are a threat you are needed."
She came up to me with her hands on her hips and started in on me.
"No, I'm not going back I have decided to retire. What's so hard for you to understand? I'm tired of fighting everyone. I'm retiring. I'm doing the right thing. You don't want me around anymore. I feel like I've lost your trust, that I've let you down. I can't go back like that. Things have changed. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was a month ago. I've found out what I want in life and I would think you would be supportive in my decision."
"Supportive of your decision, you thought so much of me that you gave you letter to General Hammond to give to me. To be your mediator in this situation what Carter didn't think you could hand in your resignation to me? had to have a third party around. Yeah you've changed alright."
"I am no longer an officer of the Air Force so I can call you anything I want and right now bastard is a good word for you!"
"That's insubordination and I can write you up for that Colonel or maybe I should bump you down to Captain again?"
"Don't you get it? I'm through, and I thought I was making the right choice but I don't know now."
"I thought you said you were through running Carter? Thought you said you were going to face everything head on? So what are you doing here it looks like your running away from your responsibilities to Air Force, the SGC, your friends and …"
She turned to look at me and I could see the fire burning in her eyes.
"And what Jack what were you going to say?"
I tried to turn around but she held my arm. I looked down at her and was upset. This was not the way I wanted to handle it but just being next to her and hearing what she had to say just pissed me off more.
She was holding her breath, I said dad.
She let me go and closed her eyes. She turned away.
"You haven't forgiven me have you? You still hold me responsible for everything that happened. I'm sorry if I hurt you with Pete and I wish you could see that. I know Kerry is a big part of your life now. I asked the General and he said you were still seeing her. I was doing this for you. I didn't think you wanted to have me around as a reminder of the mistake you almost made".
What did she say? Kerry us together were did she get that idea? Where did General Hammond get that idea? I was still puzzled and she started to walk away. I ran up to her and said what games was she playing now.
She was crying and said she was not playing any games, she thought she was over me but just seeing me and hearing that I was still with Kerry had been too much for her. She wanted no she needed to get away. She could not bear to work with me and Kerry at the SGC; it would be too painful.
"Jack, how did you do it? How did you work with me day in and day out knowing I was going to marry another man?"
I took her hand and said, "it was like having your heart twisted with a knife and dying everyday only to be revived and put through the same torture the next day. It was worse torture than Ba'al could ever give me. I was lonely knowing that I had lost my only chance at happiness. But the worse part about it was when you showed me the ring. That was the final nail in the coffin. I knew I had lost that day. I would not let you see the hurt I was feeling and I thought I did a good job of hiding my feelings. From that moment, I chose to close in on my love, as hard as the idea of it was. That is what it felt like."
She had wanted to know and I hope that I was not to graphic.
She tried to suppress the small cry but couldn't. She pulled me into her arms and kept whispering if she could she would have taken it all back that she would have never meant to hurt me like she did. That if she had known how I felt she would have done something to stop my pain.
I pulled back from her and she stiffen and let me go. She apologized and said she was sorry for asking me that.
I cupped her face and said, "Sam I'm the one that's sorry. Sorry for pushing you away, sorry for turning you away to another to fulfill your need for love. Sorry for not thinking of you first, sorry for not stopping this Paul thing before it got to the point it did. I'm sorry about Kerry, sorry for being angry at you for getting a life when I ordered you to do so. I'm sorry I could never say that I love you and not worry what the consequences would be."
Tears were streaming down her face. She said, "We're two sorry son's of bitches".
I let out a laugh and she started to giggle. I pulled her into my arms and held her tight.
She melted into me, it seemed so right. I wanted us to stay like this forever but I had to let her know about Kerry.
"Sam, I haven't seen Kerry since the night your father was brought to the hospital. She broke it off with me. She wanted me to come to her that night and when I didn't show she knew. She knew all along; she said I was holding back. I couldn't go the next step with her and she thought us going to the cabin would be the next step. I kept thinking of you. Sam you were always floating around in my mind."
Sam looked surprised, "you haven't been with Kerry since that night and you two never uh you know and all this time I've been imagining you with her at the cabin together. Jack you don't know how many nights I laid awake thinking of that and how I had lost my opportunity."
"You haven't lost me Sam, you're always with me here." I touched my heart. She placed her hand over mine and she said her too.
She smiled the smile I knew she only kept for me. I pulled her close and whispered.
"So you're coming back right? Everything is okay between us right?"
She nodded no.
"Carter I said I was sorry ah hell do you want me to get on my knees to beg you back I will but please it won't be a pretty sight."
She whispered no.
I looked away and asked why not.
She pulled my face to hers and she said, "because then I couldn't do this."
She kissed me so long and deep that my knees did buckle. I held onto her or I would have fallen.
Being so angry at her for thinking she was leaving me I had forgotten that with her no longer in the military we could finally get together. Wait a minute George knew I'd be here on the next plane out of Colorado Springs to demand she come back and so did Mark and Jacob. I'd been set up by all of them. I wondered if Sam knew.
She pulled back and whispered wow.
I gave her a goofy smile and said that wasn't anything wait till we were alone. She raised an eyebrow and said we are alone. I nodded no. I pointed to the house and she turned around the lights in two of the rooms were on and we could see the silhouettes of two figures.
Sam gasped, "dad and Mark oh my god they saw everything."
I pulled her towards me and said" well let's not disappoint them." She said" yeah let's not."