Losing My Innocence
Rating: R overall to protect myself although ratings will be done on a chapter by chapter basis
Primary Pairing: HP / SS
Author's notes: My goals are to begin and end this fan fiction and be proud of it, lol. Beginning isn't hard for me but finishing is. I want it to be a dark coming of age story about Harry. Comments are always welcome, although suggestions sometimes aren't. Thanks for giving me a chance. The prologue is written as a journal entry although the rest of the story won't be like this.
Prologue
Dear Journal,
The easiest thing I've ever wished for in life is death. It's also been the hardest to obtain. Not that I'm really trying to obtain it...I'm not sure anymore I want it. I don't know what I want anymore. Everything I once believed in and took as my cause now seems so pointless to me. That's right, your savior, your golden boy is done. He's sick of fighting your war and he's even come to the conclusion that Voldemort deserves to win.
You heard me! Voldemort deserves to win because he has the ambition to do so. You, all you muggles, all you wizards, you all put your faith and your trust in me. I was expected to do it all. You wanted me to fight him, me to kill him, and you wanted me to sacrifice my life. Maybe I'm selfish for choosing this path of non-commitment but I don't care. I deserve to have a life and if you truly don't want to see the wizarding world cast in shadows, in hate, and in pure bloods then you'll do your duty as I have done mine. My sacrifice ends here and now though so I suggest you begin making a new plan.
I haven't been back to school yet since Sirius' death. Nobody knows in the wizarding world yet that I'm done being the defender. I can predict all of their reactions now: Hermione will be sure that I'm just angry and that I'll get over it, Dumbledore will interject his happy philosophy upon me and try to get me to change my mind, and Snape....the Potions teacher I once thought of as ignorant will be cheering, because he'll know that I finally know what he knows: There's only so much hope one person can have.
I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I don't need their sympathy, I don't need them fawning over me like I'm this wounded animal that can't take care of itself, and I don't need to hear how they all need me to save them from Voldemort. I don't need the wizarding world to justify my life anymore. And so now journal, I ask you, what will the wizarding world do without its savior? More importantly, what will I do now that I've forsaken all of it? What type of person will I be?
I don't know, I don't care to find out, I give up! Damn the Dursleys for wanting me to go, Damn Hogwarts for trying to keep me back from just living my life like any other normal student, and damn my anger and the scars I need to get through the day.
Damn it bloody all!