AN: This story takes place in between the second and third seasons, not long after my first story, "Second Childhood."

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, and I'm not making any money from this, so please don't sue me.

Persistence of Memory

Lister was watching an episode of "Androids." At least, he was trying to, although Cat was sleeping in the chair behind him and the skutters were repairing a dented wall panel, which didn't make it easy to hear the dialogue. Of course, with "Androids," it wasn't necessarily important to hear the dialogue. Lister had thought that maybe if he watched enough of the show, he might start to like it, but he'd gotten through almost seventy-five episodes now and it wasn't getting any better. Why did Kryten like this stuff?

Lister wondered about Kryten sometimes. Had he found a planet with a hospitable atmosphere, one where he could finally have a real garden of his own? Lister hoped so. He wondered if he would ever see Kryten again.

Rimmer came breezing into the Drive Room, smiling insincerely at Lister. "Hello, Mummy."

Lister glanced at his belly, which was beginning to swell a little. It was now visible underneath his clothes. "Pause." He turned to Rimmer. "Do you mind? I'm trying to pretend I'm just getting fat."

Rimmer shook his head. "Your capacity for self-delusion never fails to amaze me."

Lister shrugged, trying not to feel embarrassed. "It makes me feel better."

"Lister, really," Rimmer said with a derogatory snort. "Do you think you'll be any less of a goit if you're fat instead of pregnant?"

Lister glanced at his belly again, running a protective hand over it. "I'm not that big yet."

"The best is yet to come," Rimmer said.

The skutters finished work on the panel and rolled off down the hallway, so Rimmer moved to inspect their work. Lister was glad; Rimmer inspecting the panel was better than Rimmer inspecting Lister.

"Why does this make you so happy? You had nothing to do with it," Lister said.

Rimmer glanced up from the wall panel. "I don't have to. Just to see you reap the consequences of your stupid smegging actions is pleasure enough for me."

Lister tried to think of something about his pregnancy that would bring on the ultimate horrible situation for Rimmer. "Oh, yeah? Well, you're going to have to live with two little versions of me for the rest of your death. How about that?"

Rimmer's head jerked up; clearly he hadn't thought of that. He looked disgusted at the idea. "Well, they'd have to be better than you. They couldn't possibly be any worse."

Lister smiled. "They could. I'll teach 'em."

Rimmer shook his head. "I don't understand why you're so averse to change, Lister."

"What kind of change?" Lister asked.

"Personal change," Rimmer said. "You could always reform yourself into a proper role model. Someone honest and upstanding. Someone with respect for authority. Someone like me, for example."

Lister laughed. "I'm sure you'd be brilliant at having kids."

Rimmer raised his eyebrows. "I'd be a fair sight better than you."

Lister could just imagine Rimmer as a horrible parent set on structure and schedules, just like Captain what-was-his-name in that movie about the singing child nuns. "You'd probably make your kids salute you. Once before breakfast and once before they went to bed."

"There's nothing wrong with discipline," Rimmer said, bouncing a little on his toes. "Not that you would know."

Lister turned back to his soap opera. "Well, it obviously did a lot for your personality."

Apparently Rimmer missed Lister's sarcasm entirely. "That's what I'm saying!" He crossed the room to stand beside Lister. "If you just had a tiny bit of self-control and respect for other people, we might even get on."

Lister looked up at Rimmer. "Right now, we're getting on."

Rimmer looked confused. "We are?"

"Yeah. You especially. You're getting on me last nerve," Lister said.

Rimmer sighed heavily and shook his head as he left the room. "I don't know why I bother."

"It's getting harder and harder to take a nap around this place," Cat said from behind Lister.

Lister turned his chair around. "Sorry, Cat."

"You should be!" Cat said, looking indignant. "I don't know why you and Rimmer still talk to each other. He hates your guts and you hate his."

Lister was only listening halfway to Cat; he knew Cat was complaining, and that was enough. All Cat's complaints sounded the same anyway. "He thinks everything would be better if I were more like him. Never mind that he couldn't even live with himself."

"Cats don't worry about this type of thing," Cat said. "If we don't like somebody, claws out and it's all over in a second."

Somehow, Lister couldn't picture himself and Rimmer as fighting cats. "Yeah, and what do you do with holograms?"

"Avoid them. What do you think I've been doing?" Cat said.

"I can't avoid him," Lister said. Then, out of nowhere, he got the most amazing idea. Well, maybe it wasn't the most amazing idea, but it was the third most amazing idea after swimsuit models and lager by the case. "But maybe I can have a little fun with him."

Cat looked thoughtful. "Like what? Forcing him to wear liederhosen?"

Lister shook his head. "No. He likes liederhosen. I'm gonna show him what it would be like if I were more like him."

"For how long?" Cat asked, making a face.

"It'll depend on how he takes it," Lister said. "Maybe a few days."

"Be careful," Cat said. "You could get stuck that way."