Title: Losing My Innocence

Pairing: HP / SS

Chapter Rating: G, nothing serious

Author's notes: Go easy, I'm really trying to set you into Harry's mindset before I get knee deep in plot, lol. Thank you though to my first reviewer who was so kind. I never thought of angst as cute but I guess it was in a way. I've come to the conclusion that there will be more journal entries in the future now, lol.

This Is Home?

The Dursleys had been smiling with happiness the entire way to the train station. They were finally getting rid of their "abnormality" which would allow them to go back to being their self deceiving perfectly "normal" and nasty self's. They no longer had to worry about him exposing their past or putting their family in danger. Not that he had caused them any trouble this holiday. In fact, it was this lack of trouble he theorized that had irritated them so much. It had forced them to be more creative when attempting to find a reason to punish him for something.

"Got your bloody owl? Good, now get out."

He had barely managed to make it out of the car before his uncle hit the gas leaving him alone with his stuff. Lousy good for nothings...they hadn't even waited for him to get a trolley to put his stuff on. They hadn't even waited to laugh at him as usual for insisting there was a platform nine and three quarters. It shouldn't have mattered but it did matter and it angered him. They owed him...they owed him a family and he was tempted to do something rash to calm his anger.

Instead he took a deep breath and began gathering his stuff onto a nearby trolley. Hedwig had cocked her head and she was looking at him intensely. It was as if she knew the change that had been occurring in him since Sirius' death. Of course she knew...she had been the only one who had seen how it destroyed the very essence of his being. She had been the only one to catch every tear he shed and he reached through the bars of the cage to gently stroke at her soft snowy wings.

"I'm alright...bunch of bloody gits is what they are...give muggles everywhere a bad name." He muttered the words.

"Who's a bunch of bloody gits?"

Harry turned to see his friend Ron there along with Ron's sister Ginny and his other friend Hermione. Great, he was going to be tackled at once by all of them. At least Ginny no longer had her silly crush on him. Well, he didn't think she did every now and then though she seemed a bit too friendly for his likes. Then again, everyone was too friendly lately for his likes.

"Take a guess."

"It must be simply awful to stay with them but cheer up, Harry. You have us now....how have you been?"

Before he could answer Hermione had her arms tightly wrapped around him. How had he been? Nothing but miserable, hurt, aching, lonely, depressed, and at times on the verge of suicide. How could they have shielded him so effectively in the past from anything and everything and now they couldn't even ask a single question without annoying him? He patted her back once very awkwardly before pulling away from the hug.

"Fine, just tired."

Hermione accepted the answer which was more than he had expected. The expressions on their faces gave away their true thoughts though. He could read them as easily as he could read the bright gold letters shining on the side of the Hogwarts Express after they passed through the barrier. To them it all had to do with Sirius. Of course, they thought he was sill hurting and they were going to see him through it. Sirius' death was always going to hurt because it had been his last chance at true family and it had been his only chance to straighten out his life.

How could they think though that it all had to do with Sirius? Were they so simple minded to think that months of Umbridge's abuse upon him hadn't caused him any pain? That everything was made better thanks to their stupid attempt at an army? He was silently loading his bags onto the train. They were being more silent than he would have expected and he shook his head a bit trying to clear the fog that he thought must have came over his mind.

"Harry?" Hermione's voice

"Hmmm?"

"You aren't paying attention are you?"

"Of course I am." Liar...

"I asked if you wanted us to go get a compartment and you didn't answer."

"Of course I did...you must not have heard me. Yeah, go get one."

Hermione looked quite offended for a moment and ready to protest that he most certainly had not answered before Ron put a hand on her shoulder. The action was quite intimate for Ron. Quite intimate for their little group come to think about it. Great, they were together weren't they? Why else would they have arrived at the exact same time and why else would Ron be acting so damn friendly towards her? Great, he was going to have to pretend he was happy for them.

He was thankful when they finally walked off and he let a long sigh leave him. He wasn't even to Hogwarts yet and he was having fits. There was no way he was going to be able to survive in a dorm room with other Gryffindors. They'd all be watching him and noticing every single thing he did. Maybe he could ask Dumbledore for a private room. The thought slightly sickened him...he'd only get it because of his name and that stupid fame but maybe for once he needed to use everything to his own advantage.

"Thinking about something Potter?"

"Sod off Malfoy!"

He made sure that was the end of that by getting on the train and finding Ron and Hermione's compartment. They had been huddled together quite closely when he had walked in and they had been holding hands. If he kept this intuition up he could replace Trelawney in her job. They both looked embarrassed but it served them right.

"Harry..." Ron's voice this time about to give an explanation.

"It's fine. Congrats..."

His voice had been hard and the next few minutes of the trip passed in silence. Ron and Hermione had tried to draw him into a number of different conversations everything from his summer, to Quidditch, to plans to visit Hogsmede, and to Sirius with no response. Finally they all ended up in silence which was probably the best avenue. He appreciated it anyway...although Ron and Hermione looked like they would have felt better with a distraction such as Malfoy's crew.

"Harry. You know. We all miss Sirius..." Wonderful Hermione, reopen the wounds why don't you?

"This isn't about Sirius!"

"So what is it about?"

"You wouldn't understand!"

"You don't have to shout at her Harry, she's just concerned about you mate and so am I"

"Well end it will you? I'm fine!"

With that he left the compartment with a groan. This year wasn't going to be easy and thankfully he managed to spend the rest of the trip in a compartment with Neville and a few others who were so dense that they just kept talking and as long as he nodded or interjected something every now and then they left him alone. He skipped the feast wanting to continue to avoid Ron and Hermione. His bed was much more comfy anyway and he had been hoping to fall fast asleep with exhaustion from the day.

No, sleep would have been too nice. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Sirius in his mind. He could see Voldemort smirking and Lestrange's triumphant smirk as she murdered another innocent. A hot tear were beginning to go down his cheek and in an instant Hedwig was by his side. He didn't have the strength to do it tonight. He deserved it but the strength wasn't there and so he settled himself to stroking her wings for a while until she took off to the owlery. A bit later the door opened and when he recognized Ron's voice he made sure to turn and quickly shut his eyes again.

He had a list of things to do tomorrow which were going to make the situation worse and isolate him more. The first was to quit Quidditch. He'd be lucky if he ever had friends again after that but friends didn't matter at this point to him. Nothing mattered except surviving one more day and telling himself everything would be okay.

Not that he believed himself and he sighed as the image of Sirius and others came into his head again. Ironic wasn't it? They were dead and gone unable to live their life's and he was still alive acting as if he was dead. He was dead though on the inside so it wasn't a complete sham. Absolutely dead and he was sure tomorrow during his first potions lessons Snape would take great pleasure in exposing and rubbing salt onto as many wounds as possible.