Title:: Losing My Innocence

Pairing:: HP / SS

Author's Notes: Thank you to the reviewers who have been BEYOND kind, lol. Seriously, I'm blushing, I didn't think it was all that good, yay everyone liking the journal ideas and yes I am going to try to make the chapters longer and more detailed, just for you, lol, you know who you are: P. Please everyone R/R and I hope this chapter is better than I think

Why Can't I Pierce My Heart Directly?

He groaned knowing that he had woken up far earlier than he would have liked to on the first day back. His head was throbbing and he threw off the covers looking over at Ron's bed. The loud sound of snoring coming from his red haired friend made him wonder how he had managed to get any sleep at all. Usually Ron had the decency to throw up a silencing charm. It made him wonder if the whole Weasley clan snored like that without silencing charms up.

He shook his head and half awakingly stumbled into the bathroom beginning to get ready. He looked like an absolute mess not that he normally looked like anything else. He could see two dark circles underneath his eyes and if that wasn't enough he knew the lack of life in his eyes truly showed how exhausted he felt right now with life. He turned on the tap water and attempted to get his hair to become somewhat flattened. After a while he decided to give up the fight.

He had been considering maybe getting some magical hair styling products but the thought of becoming as vain as Gilderoy Lockhart kept him from it. Oh well, if anything the hair was fitting to how he was feeling. A long sigh left him as he stared at his reflection. Today was going to be beyond hard and there was no escaping it. He didn't want to leave the bathroom or face the day. The day was going to be unbelievably hard and he was going to get screwed because of it as usual.

He didn't want to face Ron and Hermione and try to get them to understand how he felt. He didn't want to have to feel Dumbledore and the staff's eyes upon him watching him like a hawk. They would all be concerned for him just because he wasn't satisfied with being what he was at the moment. It wasn't their business! It wasn't anybody's business! And he bit his lower lip roughly. What was wrong with him anymore? His emotions were as out of control as Hermione's usually were. He was tempted to break down and begin sobbing right there. A knock on the door though brought him out of his thoughts and away from the urge to cry.

"I'm in here!" He snapped it quickly without thought.

"Yeah, I know....Harry, I'm sorry about yesterday. Mione and I wanted to know if you wanted to walk down to the Great Hall with us"

Pity...that's all it was anymore. They didn't want him around because he was their friend, no; they wanted him around because as a friend they were obligated to keep him around. He wasn't even a good person or a good friend anymore. A good friend would be happy that they had finally admitted their attractions to one another. A good friend wouldn't be trying to selfishly keep onto something that no longer existed.

"Its fine, I'm not hungry and I have stuff to do. Unpacking I was too tired to do last night. You two go on without me"

He knew Ron was still outside the door whispering to somebody else in hushed tones and it came as a relief to him when they finally left. He had no intentions of going down to eat breakfast with them. In fact, he didn't have any intentions with being around them very much at all although it was probably inevitable in classes. He leaned over the sink for a moment splashing more water over his face. His reflection still showed an exhausted person but at least he had tried.

Damn it! Why did everything have to hold false hope like this? First the Dursleys were worse than Hogwarts and now to him the Dursleys seemed better than Hogwarts. At least they didn't stalk his every move; at least they didn't make a big deal out of his name or what he had done. Everyone acted like his only life was fighting Voldemort and doing pointless things. Children! All of them, when would they discover there were much much more important things in life?

A voice in the back of his head whispered the answer to him and he was forced to nod in agreement. They'd all understand when he was no longer their savior and when Voldemort chose to attack. They'd understand because it'd be written in crimson streams of blood and in the bodies of "mud bloods" that would be impaled everywhere you turned. A shiver ran down his spine as he fished a small razor blade out of his pocket.

He wasn't evil Dumbledore had told him that numerous times. That evil was a free choice and since he had chosen not to be put in Slytherin he had in effect chose the choice to be good but that wasn't completely true was it? How could someone be completely innocent with their mind and their thoughts being so connected to someone whose middle name is Evil? There were times where he understood Voldemort's actions better than he understood his own and he shook his head looking down at the razor blade.

He had never been a serious cutter. No, he didn't have a problem with it like some people. Every now and then it helped though just to make one little cut. Just enough for a few drops of blood to come out. He had found himself doing it over the summer in Aunt Petunia's flowers praying that somehow the drops of blood he shed made up for the fact that he hadn't been able to save Sirius. It wasn't completely his fault but it was in a way. Brashness and arrogance once again, you really did make Snape proud that time didn't you?

He shook his head wiping away a tear that fell down his cheek angrily. He couldn't do it in here there was too much of a risk but the grounds would be perfect. Just a few drops and then he might be better for a few days. He might be able to get one night's worth of sleep where Sirius didn't plague him. He put the razor back into his pocket and after getting dressed he began walking down the moving staircases heading towards the doors that lead out to the grounds.

"MR.POTTER!"

He froze at the sound of that voice. Great, as if he wasn't in a bad enough mood this morning Dumbledore and the others had sent a search party after him and he highly doubted the man who had called out his name had volunteered to be that search party. Great, that meant he was in a good mood and he turned to meet the hardened black eyes that were staring into his.

"Yes, Professor?"

He knew his voice had to sound strained but Snape was the last person he was interested in seeing at the minute. In fact, Snape was the last person he was interested in seeing anytime anywhere. Sniveling, Snickering, and sadistic bastard....

"The headmaster would like to see you later after lunch in his office. I suggest you not be late and that you do your normal Gryffindor attempt at best to stay out of trouble. Also, he wanted me to give you this."

He slowly took the paper out of Snape's hand looking down at it. Great, his schedule for the semesters and it included Potions with Snape first thing in the morning paired with the Slytherins as usual. His disgust must have shown on his face because he was very aware of a glint that had developed in Professor Snape's eyes.

"Yes, what a pity it would be if you didn't show up to class. You know, Mr. Potter it doesn't escape my memory that in the past you've never been able to get to my class on time. One can only wonder how late you'll be now that you have to get up early."

With that he watched as Snape turned and stalked back to the Great Hall in his usual snaky way. He was still staring down at the list of classes in his hand. It really wasn't that bad all things considered. He was sure right now Hermione was lecturing Ron away on how important this year was to their education. It really wasn't important anymore to him all it meant now was that there was only one more year to freedom. Yes, that was a happy thought: only one more year until he could disappear from Hogwarts and stop feeling like everyone was watching him.

He sighed softly. He couldn't even remember now what he had been planning to do. He just knew he didn't want to go to breakfast and so he opted for the kitchens instead. The rest of the day seemed to pass in a blur to him of being snapped at by Snape and classes that he really couldn't muster the interest in anymore. Ron and Hermione had tried to talk to him again for a bit before giving up. He could hear them whispering sometimes ahead of him though when he fell back. Their words of optimism angered him. They still thought it was all about Sirius, he had no idea when they would wake up and realize there was something much deeper and darker taking place within him than the loss of a loved one.

He decided only to eat a bit at lunch and he finally talked to them to get them to shut up. He wasn't even sure what they had talked about but he felt nervous as he ascended the stairs to the headmaster's office. If anybody knew how to read him: It was Dumbledore. Dumbledore had a talent for reading everyone and being summoned by him couldn't be good.

"Ah, Harry!! Splendid, I see then that Professor Snape gave you my request. Please, sit....tea? Gummy Worms? Marshmallow Peeps? They're my newest discovery and to imagine all the shapes and colors they come in!"

He walked over to the chair offered as the door automatically closed behind him.

"No Thanks Headmaster....was there something you wanted to see me about?"

"Just wanted to check up on you Harry, see how you've been taking everything. We missed you at the start of the year's feast. I also wanted to tell you that Sirius was a great person and that I know where ever he is he's missing you as much as you're missing him. These things happen....with that said, is there anything you wish to tell me?"

He shuddered at those words. These things happened...like the loss of a person could just be explained away. He wanted to say that Sirius' death was his fault, that he didn't know who he was anymore, and that maybe he understood Voldemort more now than ever before because he felt like he was turning into him. He mutely shook his head though his hand reaching into his pocket and fingering the blade that he had forgotten about being there.

"Very well then....You may go"

He couldn't make it out of the office fast enough and he pulled out his schedule again. Transfiguration....he really couldn't take telling McGonagall about his Quidditch decision. Not now....not after that conversation and so while everyone else went to their classes and did what they were supposed to do Harry went off to do the only thing he felt he could.

He went up to his room and he danced with death. He entertained himself by gently trailing the blade lightly against his skin. Not hard enough to break the flesh for the moment. He didn't need the relief of blood...No; he needed to fancy that it helped ease his pain and that the blade represented his sacrifice for Sirius.

The hot tears came again as they always did and he let his eyes shut. He could see his father and mother looking at him in disappointment, he could see Sirius falling as Lestrange took her best shot, he could see himself next to Voldemort's side, and he could see himself looking into a mirror only it wasn't his reflection he saw it was the reflection of Voldemort. He let his eyes shoot open as he gave up his struggle and let the blade pierce into his flesh.

A few drops of crimson beginning to hit the ground. He had to get better control of his emotions. He had to get to the point where they wouldn't expect anything was wrong. He had to learn how to attempt to live until he felt ready for death and he had no idea on how to go about it. He weakly forced himself up and began to rinse off the blade watching the blood go down the drain. The blood that he knew was for Sirius, for his parents, for his innocence, and for his shame.

The small wound had stopped bleeding by now but he felt dizzy like he had lost more than he thought and he forced himself under the covers. Tomorrow would be better, tomorrow he'd have the strength, and starting tomorrow he'd show the others the Harry he felt like now.