Lister claimed Rimmer's bunk to sleep in that night, and was surprised when Rimmer acquiesced and vaulted easily into the top bunk. Lister had expected Rimmer to throw some kind of tantrum, but nothing had happened so far. Maybe Lister's prank wasn't going to work after all. Lister was disappointed; if he couldn't even drive a hologram crazy, what was the meaning of his life?
After a few moments in bed, Rimmer spoke. "Why did you have to be the one who went into stasis?"
"What do you mean?" Lister asked.
"Why couldn't it have been Krissy?" Rimmer asked.
Lister had never heard Rimmer refer to anyone by that name in his life. "Krissy?"
"Kochanski," Rimmer said.
Lister didn't understand. Rimmer hated Kochanski; he had told Lister as much. "I thought you didn't like her."
Rimmer sounded as confused as Lister felt. "I…um, I…well, why would I admit it to a smeghead like you?"
Lister smiled. Of course Rimmer didn't like Kochanski; he was just trying to come up with a plan to counteract Lister's plan. "I know what you're doing, Rimmer. It's not gonna work."
"What isn't?" Rimmer asked.
"You're trying to convince me to go back to the way things were by showing me how much fun you're having when you act like me. It's not gonna work," Lister said.
"It's got to!" Rimmer blurted out. He paused. "I mean, I don't know what you're talking about."
Lister decided to spread it on thick. "Having these babies has given me a new purpose, Rimmer. I've got drive. I've got ambition. I'm going up, up, up—lickety-split!"
He could almost hear Rimmer wince. "Look, Lister…maybe I was wrong about…"
Lister waited expectantly. Once Rimmer admitted that he was wrong, Lister's plan would've succeeded and he would call off the joke. "About?"
"Never mind," Rimmer said.
Lister rolled over and pretended to sleep. After a few minutes, he heard Rimmer slip out of the top bunk and leave the room.
Rimmer hated pacing with Lister's walk. It made him feel like an ungainly chimpanzee. "I can't figure out why it didn't work."
Holly watched Rimmer go back and forth. "Maybe he suspected something."
Rimmer shook his head; that couldn't be it. Lister wasn't that clever. "Maybe I'm not enough like him to convince him yet. Holly, if you overwrite my whole personality, can you bring it back?"
"As long as you ask for it," Holly said.
Rimmer drew himself to his full height. "Then I want you to replace my personality with his."
"All of it?" Holly asked.
Rimmer nodded. "All of it."
"That includes memories and the like?" Holly asked, just to make sure.
"Everything," Rimmer said. "And don't tell me what's going on when I'm him."
Holly frowned. "But you won't know you're you. So how will you know to go back to being you?"
"Simple. You'll keep me as not me until Lister decides he's not me. Then Lister won't be me, and I can go back to being me." Rimmer paused. "Understand?"
"No," Holly said, "but let's do this anyway before thinking about it makes my chips corrode."
Rimmer nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm ready."
"Overwriting," Holly said.
The trickle in his brain turned to a gush. He stumbled and nearly fell, but managed to right himself at the last minute.
Lister opened his eyes to find himself in the drive room, standing in front of the vending machine.
"Make a selection, please," the vending machine said.
Lister considered his options for a moment. "Lobster vindaloo." His voice sounded odd, a little higher-pitched than usual. Maybe he was hearing things because he was overtired.
The vending machine's shelf lowered a nice hot plate of vindaloo. "Enjoy."
Lister reached out to pick up the plate, but his hand passed through the machine. His eyes widened, and he took a few steps away from the machine. "Holly!"
"Yeah?" Holly said.
"What the smeg happened to me?" Lister asked, trying not to panic.
"You're a hologram," Holly said.
Lister tried to remember becoming a hologram, but he couldn't. "Since when? Did I die?"
Holly looked uncomfortable. "No. It's just a…temporary thing."
Lister noticed that his right hand was wrong. It was too pale to be his hand, and there were freckles on it Lister didn't remember having. "What's happened to me hand?"
"I dunno. Isn't it yours?" Holly asked.
Lister looked at his left hand, but it didn't look familiar either. "No. Neither of these are mine."
Holly nodded. "Well, I'll look into that. Why don't you go have a lie down?"
"Maybe I'd better," Lister said, looking wistfully towards his inedible vindaloo. He looked down at his London Jets T-shirt, checking for curry stains and licking one to see if there was any taste of food still left on the shirt. There wasn't, so he headed off to the bunk room.