The 12 Labors of Cyborg

Disclaimer: Ever seen "Spirited Away"? My paper birds look nothing like those paper birds. Don't sue me. I don't own Teen Titans, I'm only manipulating their characters in a sorry attempt to pay homage to those who created them. Don't sue me. I mock Greek Mythology. Maybe you can sue me for that, but it wouldn't be very nice. So please don't sue me.

A/N: I apologize to Piers Anthony for anything I might have done/will do to offend him. Also, finding the name of the major villain required research on my part and I demand compensation. And… no, that's it.

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The Stymphalian Birds

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Cyborg took a deep breath.

He slowly let it out. Another deep breath… he slowly counted to ten.

And then he grabbed a handful of the paper birds and tore them apart. "Ha!" He exclaimed jubilantly, and showered the ground with swan confetti.

For a moment, the origami swans backed off… swirling around just out of range of his fists. And then, they attacked again. For a moment, Cyborg was engulfed in papery wings and a disturbing rustling sound that was vaguely reminiscent of being assaulted by a post office. This got old very, very fast… Cyborg hated federal mail. He started flailing his arms madly. Origami swans were sent flying in every direction; some shredded, some bent.

Of course, he now had paper cuts over every part of him that wasn't covered by metal armor. Cyborg growled, and pointed his sonic cannon at the birds.

Instantly, they turned and fled back into the craft store. Cyborg raised one eyebrow… and took a few minutes to consider his options. Go in the craft store, save the clerks that were almost certainly trapped within, and get his picture frame? Or walk whistling down the street to the next place that sold picture frames and was not populated by killer origami swans? There was a bird-less hobby store just down the street… they sold balsa wood and airplane glue, why wouldn't they sell picture frames? Or at least something out of which a picture frame could be made?

Someone inside the craft store screamed. Cyborg glowered. Once again, he would go save the day. Once again, no one would thank him for it. And once again, as soon as he was done saving the day, something even worse would happen.

'If people stopped getting into trouble,' Cyborg mused, 'then I'd be out of a job. But also very, very happy. And less tired, definitely less tired.'

The person inside the craft store screamed again. Cyborg grumbled to himself, remembering have briefer mental reflections later, and barreled into the store, sonic cannon raised. "SHOW YOURSELF, BIRDS OF FOLDED DEATH!" Cyborg shouted.

He mentally patted himself on the back for such a cool line.

There was a rustling noise from behind him- and an origami lion lunged at him. This creature wasn't, luckily, protected by any paper-zoo attendants, so he grabbed the lion in both hands and shook it until all of its creases were gone. That was so satisfying that he tore the piece of paper in half, as well.

"Noooo! My beautiful work!" An oddly familiar voice screamed. Cyborg wheeled in that direction- a handful of feather boas, slithering about like snakes, began winding around his legs. Cyborg snapped them off and threw them on the ground so he could stomp on them. He hated glittery purple feathers more than Raven hated rats. Well, insofar as that was possible.

Where had the voice come from? Colored, glittery glue pens began exploding, coating his armor in a veritable psychedelic vomit. Cyborg grabbed the pens and began crushing them- they were already ruined, though, but this helped his frustration. "Who are you, where are you, and will you just leave now?" Cyborg called.

Dead silence. Cyborg walked patiently up and down the aisles. The origami swans came rustling down the aisle at him, little paper wings flapping in malice- so Cyborg just flailed his hands about again, mangling most of them, and sending the rest fleeing for their lives. Cyborg frowned in annoyance… whoever this villain was, they had to learn that the only thing that paper swans could possibly beat were rocks… because paper covered rock… Cyborg mentally congratulated him on this joke, and decided to use it the instant it was applicable.

The bags of fake feathers were rustling- before they could get any ideas; Cyborg plucked them off of the shelf and stepped on them. That stopped them.

"My creations! My poor, helpless creations! How dare you destroy them?" Wailed the voice again, and Cyborg dutifully turned in that direction, pushing over an aisle on whoever it was. There was a muffled scream… Cyborg grinned.

Normally, he would be more concerned about destroying public property. But considering how much collateral damage he had already caused… he just didn't care, there was really no reason for him to rationalize it. Cyborg stalked along to the edge of the aisle and picked it up. Among the mess that littered the ground in broken piles from what had once been on the shelf, there was a single caped figure… Mumbo the Magician.

Cyborg stalked over, grabbing the villain by the back of his cape- he immediately dissolved. "Hey!" Cyborg protested. He wound the cape around his fist as tightly as he could, and then shouted, "Listen! If you just leave now and promise never to come back, I'll let you go… and never come back… ever…" Cyborg trailed off weakly. That line never worked on super-villains (or whatever kind of villain Mumbo was)- and it was kind of a lie, anyway. And it sounded rather humiliatingly wussy.

"You'll never catch me! It will be I who catch you!" Shouted Mumbo, in a characteristically annoying, jubilant voice that made Cyborg want to hurt something… preferably Mumbo.

A massive sheet of paper unraveled itself from the paper rolls- it wrapped around Cyborg, who rolled his eyes. "Paper covers rock! And scissors cuts paper!" Screamed the lunatic magician- a massive pair of scissors came rocketing down the aisle, snapping its blades together menacingly.

Now Cyborg was REALLY mad. "You stole my joke!" He yelled. The half-machine teen easily ripped through the 'confining' paper and grabbed the pair of scissors, turning them around and snapping them shut once or twice. There was a muffled 'eep!' from the next aisle… Cyborg walked calmly in that direction. "Come out, come out, wherever you are, Mumbo," he said with a huge grin, rather liking the feel of the giant scissors, "And I will beat you until you thoroughly regret the day you learned the art of Japanese paper folding.."

"You shall never catch me!" Mumbo shrieked, appearing at the end of the aisle again. He lowered his magic wand at Cyborg, and thousands of origami swans rocketed at the half-robot again. Cyborg snapped his new-found weapons together menacingly- the birds turned and fled.

This seemed to ground Mumbo, at least. He waved his magical wand wildly in front of him, and whatever items that were left on the shelf revolted, attacking Cyborg madly. He brushed them all off- sure, he was going to get plenty of paper cuts, plenty of bruises from this event… but it was no different than any other day, after all. Cyborg continued bearing down aggressively on Mumbo, snapping the scissors together.

A cascade of flowers hit Cyborg in the face… he smirked. "Getting desperate, Mumbo? I don't have any allergies," he said. And then he threw the scissors.

They landed perfectly- it was a good thing Mumbo didn't try to dodge- one leg on either side of the magician, pinning him to the wall. Mumbo's already somewhat green face turned a little greener… Cyborg strode up, took the magic wand, and snapped it in half. Instantly, the swarm of birds which had just then decided to come back and protect their creator fell to the ground in a fluttering, papery heap. The scissors also shrunk- but Cyborg fixed that problem by tying the Magician up in 100% natural hemp cloth.

"I hope you've learned your lesson," Cyborg said, rattling one finger in the magician's face. He then headed back up front.

The salesgirl was standing at the head of one of the aisles, staring around at the general devastation with a numb 'why me?' look on her face. Cyborg knew exactly how she felt. "Are you okay… uhm…" he glanced at her nametag, "Emily? In one piece?"

She numbly nodded. The girl looked about twelve degrees paler than any one human should, even with the numerous paper cuts and the blue glitter paint splashed across her forehead.

Cyborg smiled reassuringly and patted her on the back. "It's been a long day- believe me, I know," he said, "and I doubt that your manager will mind if you take the rest of the day off. But, before you go… do you guys sell picture frames?"