Feedback: it's like oxygen.........
Part Three
Why does it still hurt so much?
No answer came to the silent question.
It was another time - another place. It was all resolved... wasn't it?
Again, there was no response. Instead, Buffy found herself absently watching as small teardrops formed in the corners of her reflection's eyes before falling freely over her cheeks.
It's not fair. I thought I'd dealt with this. So... why is the ache still there?
She turned abruptly away from the depressing image in the mirror and walked over to the bed. She sank onto the soft, welcoming covers and fell backwards into them to stare at the ceiling, torn between trying to ignore the laughter filling the house and the thoughts that threatened to consume her.
What happened to 'forgive and forget', huh? I mean, well... I've forgiven Giles for leaving, so why the hell can't my heart forget it?
She let out a sound of frustration, clenching her fists for a moment before forcing herself to relax.
Or... maybe I did. Maybe I did forget it. After all, it's not my fault that he brought it up, is it? I mean, he shouldn't have allowed Dawn to sing that stupid song. If he hadn't, I wouldn't be here, like this, right now.
A loud whisper roared through her mind in reply.
Talk about stupid. You know that you wouldn't have reacted that way if you didn't still have issues about it.
She squeezed her eyes shut, aware of a hot tear being pushed out of an eye as she did so.
I so need to get over this. I don't want it to haunt me forever.
A sudden hush filled her mind following that particular thought, and she found herself fixing her attentions on the patterned lampshade in an attempt to stop any more upsetting thoughts from entering her mind. One, however, refused to be pushed out.
This isn't about the past.
"Shut up."
The thought snubbed her irritated command, whispering rebelliously louder into her mind.
This is about your fears. Your insecurities. Your feelings.
"Fears? Feelings? What a load of -"
Admit it.
"Admit what?"
You're scared.
"What part of 'shut up' do you not understand?"
Stop avoiding the issue. Just admit that you're scared it'll happen again. Scared that he'll leave you. Scared that you'll lose someone else before you've had a chance to analyse your feeli-
"Oh, this is getting ridiculous."
Buffy rolled onto her front, burying her face into the soft material and clasping her hands over her head, trying to shut out the voice.
But is it? Is the thought of you and Giles really so ridiculous?
"I've had enough of this. It's not like that's really the reason he left, anyway. Plus, I don't think of him like that."
Oh, really? So, why are you so scared of losing him then?
"Will you just shut up, already? I don't have to listen to you."
Maybe you don't have to, but you certainly ought to. You've got more issues than Vogue and they all need to be worked through, but you need to work past your fears first.
"I don't have any fears. Frustrations, yes, but fears? No."
Then why are you constantly running? What's chasing you?
With a defeated sigh, the Slayer mumbled just one word into the cottony fabric.
"Me."
Okay, 'Miss dog-chasing-her-tail', tell me: why are you running metaphorically from yourself when you are clearly running physically from him?
For a long moment there was silence as Buffy tried to find the words to explain.
"I... I just... I can't look him in the eye. Not after everything that's happened and I know that somehow I'm meant to move past this, but I don't know how. I know I need to ask his forgiveness...I should be begging him for it. What I did was beyond wrong... it was... I was... horrible... to him. I don't know how he can bear to be in the same room as me for more than five seconds. I don't know what to do, or say... and working with him... well yeah, it's great, but it's not the same... it never will be. I just wish..." She gave a frustrated sigh, "I don't know what I wish, but I know I want him to forgive me... I just don't know how to begin apologising. Nothing I can do will change what I did and what right do I have to ask for forgiveness, anyway? I don't deserve it, after all."
You're right there. But something needs to be done... otherwise you'll never be able to have a half-decent friendship with him again, let alone anything more.
"Don't you think I know that?"
Barely containing her sudden flash of anger, she pushed herself off the bed and strode quickly across the room to grab her bag and coat.
Oh yes... The voice became snarky as it responded. And that knowledge has helped so much hasn't it? Wake up, Buffy and do something to make things right before your fears materialise and he really does leave you.
"Oh, just... just... go to hell!"
Throwing the exclamation into the bedroom in half-shout she hastily exited, slamming the door behind her in an effort to leave the persistent voice behind.