Feedback: it's like oxygen.........
Part Nine
Buffy kicked at the woodchips beneath her, simultaneously letting out a frustrated sigh.
"What the hell is wrong with me?"
She threw a glance over her shoulder, checking that she was still alone in the park, before muttering to herself again in an attempt to organise her turmoil out loud.
"Why am I so stupid? I didn't mean to be all avoid-y with Giles... well, okay maybe I did... but, that's only because... because..." She sighed again. "And since when do I get all stutter-y and ramble-y around him? I haven't done that since... Angel... and I don't even put Giles in the same category as Angel anyway."
She shuffled the swing she occupied backwards as she thought on her words. "That's not a bad thing. I mean... it's not like Angel is better than Giles... they're just... different... they both have their own categories. Angel is... he's in my past... and Giles is... well.. he's just..."
She pulled her feet up, lifting them clear of the ground as she swung gently forwards, the movement inspiring her thoughts.
"He's just Giles. How am I meant to put a label on what he is to me?"
She continued gently rocking on the swing in silence for a while, enjoying the light breeze teasing her hair and the warmth of the late afternoon sun on her face. As she swung, her mind reflected on the complex relationship she and Giles shared. So many memories of their past flitted through her mind, some happy, others sad... yet, throughout them all he was there. An ache filled her as her mind turned to the memories of his prolonged absence and then of their huge fight not long before they left Sunnydale but she shook it off, determined not to get into another conversation about this with herself. Unfortunately, the voice that she'd tried so hard recently to shut out, spoke up, demanding to be heard.
Haven't you pieced it all together, yet?
"I don't know what it is that I'm meant to be piecing together."
Oh, come on. Think about it. What is it that has you so terrified of him walking away? What is it that has you nervous around him all the time?
"Other than the fact that he must hate me and I don't want anything to happen to him without him knowing how sorry I am, you mean? Oh, nothing."
Liar. Be honest with yourself, just this once.
"I... I just... I care about him, alright?"
That's better. See how good it feels to be truthful with yourself?
"Hmm." Buffy frowned, unconvinced. "It's okay, I guess."
So... go ahead... admit it all. You know there's more to it than that.
The frown deepened and she stilled the swing, thinking hard.
"Is there? I don't know about that. All I know is that I don't want him to go... and if there's more to it, then it must be simply that we need to heal the rift between us in case he does go. I mean, I'd hate for anything to happen to him with things the way they are." She emitted a soft, annoyed noise. "I just wish this was fixable - that way I could tell him that I don't want him going anywhere 'cause I miss them when he's not here. But then, what's that supposed to mean? Just 'cause I miss him... so what? Dawn and Xand and Will all miss him, too."
Not in the same way - and you know it.
"No!" She stared down at the ground, watching the patterns she created in the woodchips as she moved her feet slowly back and forth. "See, I don't. I don't know that. How can I know that? I don't understand my own feelings, so how am I meant to get anyone else's?"
Ah-ha! So you admit that you have feelings, then?
"You know what? I am getting really sick of this."
"Hey, Buff."
"Trying to sound like Xander isn't gonna convince me..." She lifted her head in defiance, but stopped as she saw her friend standing, amused, before her. "Of... convince me of... uh..." She struggled to recover and in the end gave up, settling for an embarrassed smile instead.
"You know..." He walked over to sit on the empty swing beside her as he spoke, half chuckling all the way. "We've really got to stop meeting like this. You, me and oh, say, the other you."
"Uh..." She looked away again, unsure of what to say. She opted for a subject change. "So, what brings you here, Xand?"
He shrugged. "Work. You know... home's that a-way," he gestured backward over his shoulder before angling his hand forward again to point in the direction of the campus, "And class is that a-way... so, basically, I was passing through, saw you and figured I'd come over and say hey. So... 'hey'." He started to give a goofy grin, but stopped as he noticed tears welling up in his friend's eyes.
"What? What's wrong, Buff?"
"Huh? Oh..." She smiled a little and pulled a tissue from her pocket before reaching up to dab at her wet eyes. "No, Xand, these aren't bad tears... they're happy tears."
"Oh." He allowed himself that goofy grin this time, fully understanding her reaction, even before she explained.
"I'm just... so happy that you found your path... not just you, but all of us. I'm sorry - I know this seems like it's come from nowhere, but whenever you guys mention work and studying and stuff it just makes it more real and less daydream-y. I mean, you remember how we all were, not so long ago. We all thought we wouldn't see our next birthdays... that the war with The First could be our last. But now... here we all are. You with the carpentry teaching..." She sniffled slightly and smiled affectionately at her friend. "Those kiddies love their Mister Harris almost as much as his friends do, which proves just how well you're doing and I know Anya would be proud of you. Then there's Will, who's doing great with the studying to be a professor... so, again with the proud-age," she paused mid-sentence with a grimace, then shook her head. "Nope, it's probably not a word... but who cares? It's just so... great. No, it's better than great. It's... incredible. I mean, have you noticed how happy Giles is? I don't think I've ever seen him happier than when he's in his museum, cataloguing his artefacts."
"Don't forget all you've achieved, Buff." Xander interrupted, reaching over to squeeze her knee affectionately. "Between the self-defence lessons and assisting Giles... throw in the slayage stuff... and well, you never seem to stop."
"Huh. Not so sure about that." She mumbled by way of response. "Sometimes I wonder if I stop too often and for too long."
"Ah. Yes, of course. The very reason for my being here." He removed his hand from her leg and assumed his best 'Sherlock' voice. "I presume you are referring to the fact that the minute you're left alone, you start talking to yourself?"
"I do not!" She looked away guiltily, adding in a much softer voice, "Much." She heard him get up from the swing and the next thing she knew, he was crouching in font of her, searching her face intently.
"Look, Buff, there's usually only two reasons why people talk to themselves. One, as we've discussed, is that they're going crazy... the other is that they're trying to work out something that's bothering them. So, I'm guessing that it's the second one, in which case, I'm gonna ask you one question - and please, promise you'll answer honestly."
She returned his inquiring look equally for a moment before at last letting out a soft sigh and nodding reluctantly.
"Ask away."
Xander sucked in a deep breath, bracing himself for her reaction.
"Is this about Giles?"