"Why is everyone asking me - or telling me, in some cases - to open up to them?"
"Buffy -"
"No, seriously Will, I mean... first Xander begs me to talk to him, then Giles and now you. Do I have something stuck on my forehead that everyone but me can see that says, 'I'm depressed, ask me why?' on it? Am I giving off some sort of signal that suggests I need counselling? Or, is it just that everyone thinks that I'm their good deed for the day? What's going on?"
The redhead shifted uncomfortably in her seat, glancing nervously around her at the other customers in the Latte Lounge before sighing in defeat and turning her attention back to Buffy's unhappy expression. "O-okay, look... I'll retract my question and try and explain the weirdness... as long as you don't get mad or anything."
One perfectly sculpted eyebrow arched in surprise. "Me? Get mad?"
Wisely, the Wicca chose not to comment and instead took a deep breath before hesitantly enlightening her friend. "It... it's just... well...sometimes... firstly, you're not Fun-Buffy anymore. Where did Fun-Buffy go? You ought to be happy - with not being the only Slayer any more and therefore being able to actually have a life. Instead, you seem to be withdrawn and... well, depressed... a lot these days. Plus, the way you act around certain people makes us all wonder what's going in that head of yours."
The other eyebrow lifted in an exact imitation of its partner. "Certain people like who?"
Willow shook her head dismissively, ignoring the question. "The point is that it's weird. I mean, it's always been the four of us against the world, you know? And I just never thought I'd see the day things between us would get strained like this. I mean, we're never really comfortable together like we used to be... and... and I'm not making any sense, am I?"
With a slightly bemused look, Buffy silently indicated 'no' and was given a sheepish smile in return.
"Sorry. It's just hard to say... especially to you, 'cause you've been my best friend for years a-and I don't want to offend you." Willow paused for a moment, awaiting a response. When she received a small nod of confused encouragement, she continued. "What I mean is, well, we've always been best friends - the four of us - even throughout Giles' midlife crisis, your death, Xand's non-wedding and all the other tough stuff. Even through all that, it was like we were... bound... to each other. And it wasn't just our group dynamic; it was how we worked as... pairs. It was always me and Xand, you and Giles. Lately 'though, it feels like it's me, Xand and Giles... and then you. It's like you're pulling away from him... and us." She paused again, gathering up the courage to say what needed to be said. "You really want to know why we keep asking what's wrong? It's 'cause you've changed... a-and we're worried about you. These days you never want to be around Giles... and therefore, us, as a group. You get all... well, weird and it's like you're scared of something... like you're running away from... well, Giles. That's why Xand and I are worried. All this... it's so unlike you, Buffy. The only times I know of when you've pulled away from Giles like this were when Angel came back and when Olivia was around.. and somehow, I don't think this has anything to do with either of those. Am I right?"
The only answer she received was a reluctant, almost unnoticeable nod. Guessing that her friend wasn't yet ready to open up, Willow returned to her speech.
"And as for Giles... well, I'm guessing he's kind of noticed, too. The thing is... well, he's not looking at it from the outside. He's right there in the thick of it. He can't be objective about this, 'cause it's probably hurting him... not just emotionally but physically, too. I mean, like I said, you two have been an integral part of each others' lives for so long now that it must be like..." she cast around for the right metaphor, "losing a limb, not to have you confiding in him anymore. So... whatever it is that's got you acting so strangely, you need to sort it out before you hurt Giles - or yourself - any more."
The words hung in the air between them for several long moments before Buffy responded, her small sentence seemingly unattached to the conversation. "There was another time, too."
The redhead blinked in bewilderment at the odd remark. "Huh? What?"
Her eyes glazing over with sadness at the memory; her gaze fixing on some unseen thing, Buffy quietly expanded on her comment. "Back before we destroyed the First... I pulled away then, as well. Or, maybe I should say that I pushed Giles away. Whichever, that was when we lost our 'Us-ness'... and it was my fault. Oh, I know that from the outside it looked like his role in it was bigger than mine, but if I hadn't been depending on Spike so much and neglecting Giles, he probably wouldn't have felt the need to do what he did."
Curiosity painted itself on Willow's face, but wisely, she didn't interrupt.
As if knowing the silent question thundering in her friend's mind, Buffy answered it. "He... no, Robin... tried to dust Spike. Giles just... kept me distracted so I couldn't save him. He kept talking about how sacrifices had to be made. It took me a while, but I eventually clicked. When I got there, I saw... my god, Will, I didn't think they were capable of that. You could tell it had been planned for a while... Robin had hundreds of crosses covering every inch of wall and ceiling... there was no way either of them had planned for Spike to come out of that ali-" She hastily corrected herself, "Undead. I knew it wasn't just his fault, but I still blamed Giles so much over the whole thing... and that's why I pushed him away. Well, until I realised that it would never have happened if I had given Giles the chance to be the person I kept expecting Spike to be."
"What sort of person was that?" Willow's inquiry was soft, almost hesitant as she tried to understand her friend's behaviour better without causing a defensive reaction.
Buffy thought for a moment before answering. "I guess... in many ways... I expected Spike to be... um, Giles. It sounds weird, I know, but I wanted him to understand... and to care without any ulterior motive. Like Giles used to be... right back in the beginning. I wanted him to be a friend and to... to be warm. Does that make sense?" Her gaze cleared slightly as it settled on her friend. "I can't explain it myself. All I know is we both said and did some really horrible things to each other - and yet, Giles is acting like nothing happened at all. That's why things are... difficult... between us. I want to put things right, but I don't know how to with Giles acting the way he is. Plus, the other day he was promising he'd never leave and saying we'd do stuff together as if he's forgiven me... but that can't be true... he can't have... 'cause I don't deserve it. I hurt him, Will... I really, really hurt him... and I care about him, I care about him so much and I don't want him to be hurting and I know that by pulling away I'm making it worse, but..." she drew a breath at last, effectively stopping the runaway sentence before adding quietly, "I don't know how to undo it." A big fat tear spilled out before she could stop it; punctuating her anguish as it 'plopped' onto the oak wood.
Full of compassion, Willow reached across the table to take the Buffy's hands in hers. "Buffy -"
Buffy jerked back from the touch instantly, as if scalded. "Don't."
Willow froze at the bizarre reaction, her hands still reaching out; her eyes wide with surprise. "What? What did I do?"
"He... Giles... did that the other day... and I... I don't deserve that. You shouldn't be reaching out to me... I don't deserve his... your pity. I'm the one who's wrecked things; I'm the bad guy in all of this."
Willow sighed softly, trying to make sense of the muddled young woman before her. "I'm confused, Buffy. I - I mean... what's got you so upset? Is it 'cause you want to makes Giles feel better or yourself? 'Cause it sounds like Giles has done some bad stuff too that you need to forgive him for and there's no point in seeking his forgiveness if you can't forgive him, or..." her sentence stopped abruptly as a sudden insight hit and she hurried to express it. "Or yourself. Oh, oh!" She exclaimed suddenly, withdrawing her hands so fast she nearly knocked her mug over. "That's what this is about, isn't it? All your depression lately, your weirdness... it's all about avoiding how you see yourself and what you feel inside. You can't stand the thought of him forgiving you, because you can't forgive yourself. You hate yourself because you've hurt the one person you really, really care about. Like when I, uh, cheated on Oz with..." Her sentence trailed off as she noticed a light of dawning realisation shimmer in the eyes opposite hers.
Intrigued, she watched in silence as various emotions played across Buffy's face. Aware that there was a lot more going on underneath that confused exterior, Willow drew a little nearer to her friend, this time successfully clasping her hand.
"Say, Buff.. how about we save this conversation for somewhere a little more private? I know, we'll have a good old-fashioned girly day on Saturday and you can tell me everything while I do your nails and I'll get you up to date on things with me and Summer while you do mine. We haven't done that in a while."
At the mention of the coming weekend, Buffy seemed to snap out of her thoughts and gave Willow a look that was half-excited, yet half full of trepidation.
"Oh... uh... I can't this Saturday, Will, I'm sorry. It's just... um... Giles has promised that we'd have some alone time."
"Oh." Carefully hiding her internal reaction, Willow gave a warm smile. "Okay."
Oh boy. This could be interesting.