Buffy paced endlessly around the small single room she'd been allocated, worrying the hem of her halterneck as she traced her steps; trying to ignore the sickening sensation in her gut coupled with the way her skin was buzzing with nervous heat.
"Why did I agree to this insanity?" Realising her idiocy at asking her question to an empty room, she paused long enough to smack her forehead before resuming pacing. Stupid Buffy. Stupid, stupid Buffy. Don't start talking to yourself again... this is really not a good time. She checked her watch for what seemed like the zillionth time and sighed heavily, stopped to sit down, fidgeted for a moment, then got up once more. As if in response to her turmoil, a soft knock sounded at the door and she stilled in her pacing. Silence stretched out for an eternity before Buffy at last invited her visitor in and swallowed hard, no longer able to ignore the way her stomach lurched in anticipation.
"Hey, Giles." Trying to hide her slightly trembling voice, she gave him what she hoped was a warm smile, but feared that the outcome was unsuccessful, judging by the confused look he gave her. She watched as he closed the door behind him and cautiously approached her, unable to work out what was different about him; there was something off, he looked... it took a second before she at last managed to work it out: he looked apprehensive... almost as if he didn't believe that she'd be honest with him. Eyes widening at the thought, she found herself mentally clamping down on the sudden hurt and anger that quelled within her I guess I deserve that. She stepped backwards until she felt the bed behind her knees and sank slowly onto it while gesturing for him to take the comfy-looking chair in the corner opposite.
"So..."
"Indeed."
They watched each other for a long moment before each averted their gaze elsewhere: Buffy's eyes lowered to fix on the subtle pattern in the carpet while Giles' focus locked on the painting above the bed. A heavy silence cloaked the room and it was several painstakingly long minutes before either of them dared to speak.
"Buffy, I -"
She slowly raised her eyes back up to his, half-afraid of what she would see in his expression. When their gazes met once more, somehow, she wasn't surprised to discover that whatever he was feeling right now was being kept well hidden. Wisely, she decided not to speak and instead just nodded gently, silently encouraging him to continue.
He glanced away momentarily before speaking again. "I'm sorry if you feel under pressure to open up to me. This isn't what I intended, when I mentioned it earlier. I'd... I'd just like for us to be as comfortable with each other as we used to be."
"Yeah, I'd like that, too, Giles." Buffy at last agreed softly. "But..." She bit her tongue, uncertain how to explain herself. As it was, Giles attempted to finish her sentence for her.
"Sometimes, it's just not possible, I agree. I can't help but apologise again, Buffy. I shouldn't have pushed you into something that's probably not even necessary. After all, here I am wanting something that's impossible. We can't go back to how we were, because that's not who we are anymore." He halted suddenly as a feminine snort sounded.
"As true as that is, Giles, it's also really stupid. Not that I'm calling you stupid, just your theory." After a beat, she corrected herself. "Actually, maybe you are being stupid." At the frown that suddenly marred his features, she quickly added, "Well, sorry, but you can't act like I've done nothing wrong and that we don't need to talk about it. Why do you think we got like this in the first place?" She waited for an answer, but only received a raised set of eyebrows by way of response.
"Huh. Typical guy. Why aren't I surprised that you don't know what you've done? Giles, this would all be... well, not exactly normal... but, well, different at least if we'd had this conversation a long time ago."
If it was at all possible, the eyebrows pitched higher. "What conversation? Are you referring to us moving on, or our inability to discuss problems in our... relationship?"
"The second one. I mean, look at us, Giles. Let's talk about our communication breakdowns for just a second." Buffy held up a hand and started ticking off items with her fingers as she talked.
"First, there was the whole 'Master-Destined-to-Kill-Me' issue that you discussed with Angel instead of me... no, wait, before that, there was that teeny, tiny little lie you told about not having done magic before. Then, there was my whole 'I'm-so-in-Love-With-Angel-No-one-Else-Matters' phase that hurt you and pretty much everybody else and let's not forget it nearly resulted in the world ending."
She drew a breath and lifted her ring finger to signify her fourth recollection. "Then when it didn't end and I ran away and came back, everyone tore pieces out of me including mom - actually, especially mom. But you didn't. You just welcomed me back into your life as if I'd just got back from getting some donuts. Sure, maybe you thought you were doing me a favour by not jumping on the 'Buffy's Bad' bandwagon but maybe we needed to talk about it; maybe things would have been different if we had. Then Angel came back and as usual, I screwed up by not talking to you and centering my idiotic existence around him. Oh, and then we move into the really fun parts of our history together. Remember the whole 'Cruciamentum' test-thingy that you didn't tell me about 'cause you cared more about your job than about me?" Another deep breath followed before she quietly calmed herself at the memory.
"I'm over it, honest. It's just that it was such a huge deal at the time, you know? I know it wasn't really that way and that I came out of the whole thing stronger, but I still think you really should have told me. Anyway, moving on... let's talk about Faith. She really helped us perfect our talking abilities, don't you think? What with the whole 'making me not tell anyone about killing the Deputy' thing and all. And while we're talking about Faith, let's just mention that we never did talk about what I did for Angel after she poisoned him. Now let's skip forward to my not-so-great college years... which pretty much sucked from the first day. When I needed you, I made unfair, hurtful and basically stupid comments simply because you'd gotten a life and then I tried to... well, let's just say my beer incident pretty much speaks for itself. So much of this shouldn't have happened and wouldn't have if we'd just been open and honest with each other. I mean, if I'd told you about Riley as soon as I knew about him, who knows how differently things might have turned out? It's like I'm just so... I don't know... whenever I get a guy, the rest of the world pretty much vanishes into thin air."
She stopped abruptly as an epiphany hit her square between the eyes.
"I just get so... obsessive, I guess. Look at my track history: Angel, Riley, Spike... eurgh, no wonder things went so bad. But anyway, I'm getting off-track. Where was I? Oh yeah, the badness of not telling you about Riley, which nearly ended up in me unknowingly killing you. Then it was your turn to hide things: you decided you were going to leave, but didn't talk to me about it and then, when you stayed things seemed to go okay for a while and we actually discussed all the stuff about Dawn like normal human beings. But, before long, we weren't talking again 'cause I ignored your suggestions about how to stop Glory's ritual. Not that I wouldn't jump again, but I'd at least discuss the other options with you, first... I think. Then - god, the list goes on and I've run out of fingers and I don't know what number I'm on - there was the whole 'my dead-ness' issue. When I came back, it took so long to adjust and I didn't know what to do or anything... and there was one person I wanted - no, needed to talk to, but you weren't there. Can you believe it? The one time I'm actually wanting to discuss serious stuff with you and you're on the other side of the planet... and then I just, I didn't want to have that conversation on the 'phone. Then when you did come back, it was all about rescuing Will and we just never stood a chance. Then when you came back with the potentials, things looked better than they had in a while, but there were still things that you needed to know, stuff I ought to have told you about what happened while you were away, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it... I think deep down, I kind of knew what you'd say. And to cap it all off, we had that humungous row about Spike which is... well, it's what this is really all about, I guess. And before you say anything, I'd just like to remind you that you were the one who wanted me to be honest, so if you don't like this, well... you know where the door is."
Giles sat in silence for what seemed to Buffy like eons, until she could bear the suffocating weight of it no longer.
"Giles? Say something." Her words punctured the stillness, yet she held her breath, nevertheless, as she awaited his response. When it at last came, she could only stare at him in astonishment, her chest tightening as she sucked her breath in further.
His voice was calm and controlled as he replied.
"You're right."