The Llama Invasion of Hogwarts
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. Duh. If I was, I would be earning a million pounds every few days, not seven bucks a week (makes evil face). I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter. Double duh. Also, I don't own Vanity Fair or Becky Sharp. GAH! But I DO co-own llama-orbs and completely own the character of Grace. Stevè belongs to … well … Stevè.
Author's note: Inspired after supreme caffeine boost (can you say coffee, chocolate and SPOTANEOUS adrenaline? Huh? Huh? Can you?? Can you??) Also, please note that the word 'laughed' must NOT be pronounced 'larfed', but 'laffed'. Maximum penalty is an attack of llama-orbs. Oh, and 'orbs' must be pronounced 'orrrrbs'. AND PLEEEEAAAASE REVIEW!!!!!!
Dedication: Dedicated to the dear Stevè-llama-child … as usual. Who else am I supposed to dedicate my truly random fics to?? (She's the only person I know random enough to consider it an honour …)
The Llama-Orbs
Panting, Grace arrived at the bus stop just as the bus pulled up. She scowled at her watch, which had stopped (again) at six-forty-three that morning. Her friend, Stevè grinned maniacally at her as the boarded the bus together and discovered, to no great surprise, that there were no empty seats. So they dumped their heavy backpacks and stood in the small space between the aisle and the rear door of the bus. Stevè laughed as Grace turned her skirt around the right way and attempted to start her watch again by whacking it. Obviously, Grace knew a lot about the inner workings of watches.
"So, Grace-child," said Stevè. "What is new in your world?"
Grace raised both eyebrows on account of not being able to raise only one.
"Absolutely nothing, Stevè-child," Grace replied. "My life is currently about as interesting at dog-shit."
Stevè nodded wisely.
"Grace-child, you must learn to accept your inner being and use it to assist in the greater good!"
"What the hell does that mean?"
"I dunno. Sounds good."
Grace rolled her eyes. Pure Stevè, she thought. If it doesn't make sense, she's hooked. But Stevè was on a roll.
"Grace-child, do you know what occurred to me last night?"
"Eh?" replied Grace, who had abandoned whacking her watch and had begun attempting to tie her hair back without a mirror. (A/N: Combined with waking up only fifteen minutes ago, this was a very dangerous exercise. VERY DANGEROUS INDEED.)
"It occurred to me, O-Un-Enlightened-One, that we should invent something."
"Invent what?"
"You know, like in the stupid project we had to do about marketing?"
"Yeah …" (yawn)
"So, what do you think?"
"I think, O-Stevè-child, that everything we have the means to create has already been invented."
"Aha!" said Stevè. "That, child, is where you are wrong. Now tell me, are you familiar with the ancient llama mysteries of Ancient Egypt?"
"What the hell?"
"Me neither."
"So what about these llamas, Stevè-child?"
"ORBS!" yelled Stevè, joyfully. "ORBS!!!!!"
"ORBS!!" yelled Grace, before realising that everyone on the bus was looking at them strangely. But that was nothing new. She waited for Stevè to elaborate.
"You see, Grace-child, great, big, sucky orbs suck everything into them. Like a fly orb!"
"What the hell is a fly orb?"
"Push the on switch and, suck, suck, suck, in come all the little fly-childs!"
Grace wondered whether this particular little experiment would give them as much intellectual stimulation as trying to figure out whether Becky Sharp should have married the fat guy in the first place. Somehow, she doubted it.
"So … LLAMA ORBS!!"
Grace's eyes grew wide and a huge, deranged grin spread itself across her face.
"LLAMA ORBS!!" she said in a high-pitched voice before jumping up and down like the deluded maniac she was. But then the doors opened and she jumped out the door and the bus drove away. Grace chased the bus for the second time that day, finally boarding it and trying to avoid the stony glare of the bus driver.
"Llamas … in orbs! With LEMMINGS!!" said Stevè.
Grace now saw the genius behind the marvelous plot. Maniacal grin spreading across her face, she bent towards Stevè.
"The llamas will rule the earth, Stevè-child. And we shall rule the llamas!!"
The Hogwarts term had just begun in the wizarding world. The excitement of the feast the previous night had begun to wear off, and the students were now setting out for their first classes.
The red-headed girl checked her timetable and groaned. Her first class of fifth year was double Divination with kooky Professor Trelawney. She had hoped that Dumbledore would keep Firenze as the only Divination teacher, but obviously, he had re-employed Professor Trelawney. That old fraud, thought the girl.
As she reached the top of the North Tower, Ginny Weasley looked for the familiar ladder that would take her into Trelawney's sweltering classroom. Sighing heavily, she ascended it slowly and sat on one of the pouffes that surrounded the low tables. This year, the Gryffindors had Divination with the Ravenclaws and Ginny noticed Luna Lovegood sitting opposite her – wand tucked away behind her ear, snowpea earrings dangling and an old issue of The Quibbler in her hands. Ginny decided not to bother her and waited for Trelawney to appear.
Eventually, through a cloud of incense smoke, Professor Trelawney made her entrance.
"Welcome, my children," she said in a mystical voice. "This year will bring trials … tribulation … and DEATH! DEATH, I SAY, DEATH!!!"
Ginny yawned. Trelawney shot her an irritated look before swooping down on her and grabbing her hand. The woman began tracing the lines of Ginny's palm.
"I sense misfortune, my dear girl," said Trelawney. "Your life line is breaking … your heart line is irregular, also … my poor child …"
Ginny began wondering if she could stand another year of this. She contemplated committing suicide, but the only method she could come up with was stabbing herself to death with one of Luna's earrings, which she decided would be rather slow and painful. She didn't catch any more of Trelawney's rant until the class erupted in laughter.
"What?" Ginny asked, bewildered.
"Llamas!" cried Professor Trelawney, distraught the Ginny wasn't hanging onto her every word. "I see llamas in your future … and orbs …"
Ginny decided right there that the woman was not only a fraud but a complete nutcase as well.
"Two muggle girls …" Trelawney continued. "They will come …"
At this, Ginny wrenched her hand out of Trelawney's grasp and shot the woman an icy glare. Trelawney, while a bit put out, drew herself up to her full height and continued on.
"This term, we will be focusing on how the future can be read through abstract means, such as the number of hairs on a llama's toenail."
"Do llamas have toenails?" Luna asked.
Trelawney shrugged.
God help me, please, thought Ginny.