Revenant chapter 2: part3

Revan looked at the door to conference room two and sighed. He knew Bastila was inside the room, he could feel that much about her. However, she'd blocked all the other ways he usually felt her presence, especially her emotions. With a deep breath he walked into the room.

Mission sat on the sofa at the end of the room closest to him. Her special Pazzak deck was spread out in front of her and a childish sticking out of her tongue indicated she was busy playing against herself. He shook his head and looked around for the woman he wanted to see, to talk to.

Bastila was standing at the north window, looking out. She had her back deliberately turned away from him and her turquoise eyes were dark as she pointedly gazed out at Coruscant's busy horizon. He reached into the bond, stretched out to her and winced as she slapped him back. He could have pushed harder, but it would have been a painful battle of wills… not what he wanted.

"Hey, Rev!" Mission looked up, spying him for the first time. "How'd the meeting that "Non Jedi aren't allowed to attend." go?"

Looking at Bastila and feeling her spine taking in every word, Revan sighed slightly and glanced at the young, blue Twi'lek.

"Well, I think I managed to stop someone making a bad mistake." He felt Bastila's emotional control jerk at that, and continued to look at her. "The council are deciding what to do about it. But they didn't have any answers for me about my 'recovery'…"

Mission looked upset and he felt a twitch of interest and sorrow leak from Bastila's control for a few seconds. Frowning, Mission looked at each of them in turn.

"I've been trying to get Bastila to tell me why she nicked the Hawk an what they wanted to talk to her about. She's been very quiet an won't answer." She huffed and looked at the figure at the window. "Now you're here Rev, maybe I can get some answers out of Jedi locked lips over there, yeah?"

Revan saw Bastila stiffen further and he looked at Mission with a tired smile.

"She wanted to see her mother. She's sick."

"Oh no. Is… is it curable?" Mission asked, her voice suddenly upset. Revan shook his head.

"No. But that's the main reason she came to Coruscant, isn't it Bastila?"

"You bastard," Bastila muttered quietly without looking at him. Mission looked around in shock, but Revan stood there in the middle of the room. Exhaustion, from everything that had happened to him in the past weeks, was rapidly beginning to overtake him. "You supercilious, noble bastard."

"Bast, what… what're you saying? Rev and you, you're in love yeah? Why'd you call him that?" Mission looked at them each, fear and shock rippling across her face. Bastila ignored her and, turning around, stepped up to Revan with her hands on her hips.

"You couldn't let me handle this my way!" she snapped. The anger she felt with him flowed freely, even as she felt guilty… attacking him for saving her from herself. "You had to act the hero again, had to save me from myself! Must be getting a taste for it! After you saved me from the darkside, your darkside!"

"I couldn't let you ruin everything you are, everything I care about you, over guilt Bastila." Revan's voice was quiet.

"Far too quiet", Mission thought worriedly.

"So, you stole into my mind while I was sleeping, saw me kill that young woman in a dream and then what? Eh?" She turned away from him and stormed back to the window. "Put two and two together and just couldn't let me go to the correct authority to judge me. Had to get involved! I mean why?"

"I love you." Revan whispered. "I need you and you would have let them split us apart if it eased your guilt… Bastila, I know how you feel but she was a torturer, she helped turn you to the darkside. It's no wonder you struck her down in fear and anger. You have to realise that anything you did after Malak tortured you was down to fear and hatred. I couldn't let you sacrifice yourself, our love or what we could have in the future for that. Please, I don't want this… this anger between us anymore. I need you."

"And what makes you think I need you?" Bastila snapped back, instantly regretting the words as she did so.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" she thought, as Revan slumped further towards the carpet. "He's been through as much hell as I have, had to face me on the forge, the woman he loves... By the force I owe him my damn life! So why can't I forgive him for doing what he did in the council chamber? He did it because of our love, not for any selfish reason."

"Look… Revan," Bastila turned to him, her voice tinged with regret. "I need to…"

As she turned and looked at him, a gasp escaped her lips. Revan's face was wet as tears poured from his eyes, she'd never seen any man cry and it was a shock to see him, someone so strong all the time, in total defeat. Bastila's own face creased in empathy and she walked towards him.

"I'm sorry." She whispered and Revan looked at her, a deep sob escaping his chest.

"I… I can't hold onto it anymore." He managed to say, shuddering slightly.

Bastila was about to ask him what he was talking about, when a torrent of pain, despair and guilt poured down the bond and slammed into her skull. She gasped loudly, looking at Revan in agonised empathy. Unable to prevent the emotions ripping into her, she fell back, slamming her head against the plastiglass of the room's window. She slid down the glass wall, sobbing in unison with Revan. She felt all the emotion he'd stored since Malak, since he had told him the truth, since she'd been taken from him and twisted, rip past his defences and slam into her.

Mission, unable to sense or understand any of the power roaring down the bond, could only watch in shocked horror as Bastila fell back against the glass, her face coated in tears and her body jerking helplessly. Revan had slumped, tears also pouring from his eyes, onto his knees. His arms wrapped tightly around his chest and moans of horror slipping from his mouth in a steady stream. Terrified, Mission ran from the room, she had to get someone she trusted, skilled in the Jedi arts… Jolee or Juhani!

"Jolee!" She cried out running down the corridor, past shocked Jedi. "Juhani!"

Bastila writhed against the glass, and a small part of her mind reeled at the sheer power of the emotion tearing through her. How had he held this back? Had it been her, the sole thing he was proud of that had kept this terrible despair at bay? She shook her head and tried to fend it off her mind, she had to help Revan… she had to! Even as she tried to block, deflect or soothe his pain, her barriers shattered as soon as she erected them. Looking at Revan, with sorrow on her face, she gave up resisting and let the images flow.

"They say the force can do terrible things to a mind."

Fear.

"You don't know who you are do you?"

Confusion, dread.

"You are Darth Revan!"

No…Horror.

"Yes, it's true. You are Revan."

Betrayal, shock.

"It's not over yet Malak. For the Jedi!"

Bastila…No! Terror.

"You don't understand, I have given myself freely to Malak and the darkside!"

Guilt, overwhelming guilt.

"I could never love anyone as weak as you!"

Despair.

All the images, the memories, blurred into a terrible maelstrom and Bastila fought to free herself from its grip. Her own emotional control had been forever difficult to maintain, now it was impossible. The torrent threatened to rip her mind apart and she groaned, clutching at her skull, as her mind clashed against its dangerous power. She looked at Revan and felt the anchor and the power of her love for him, steady her against the rip and pull. She had to help him, somehow. Reaching out, she touched his mind.

"You have to stop it, you're hurting me!" She thought desperately and Revan looked at her. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on the love she sent to him, fought against the flow of his turmoil.

Suddenly as quickly as they had assaulted her, the emotions battering her mind vanished and she slipped to the carpet in exhaustion. She could feel the pull of the bond as Revan fought to control them once again. He gripped his head in obvious battle with himself and she pulled herself upright and crawled across to him. As her soft hands slipped gently onto his, he opened his eyes and looked at her with total despair.

"I can't do it anymore. I've fought it ever since the Leviathan, since Malak, " He whispered to her as she pulled his hands down into her lap, they shook slightly and Bastila tightened her grip. "Do you know what it's like Bast? To find out that all you ever have been is a lie? That someone has inserted a past into your mind? Memories, parents, a career you think you had? I can remember all of it! Fighting a Sith fighter patrol on the Corellian run, sweeping past them with supplies for the Republic!"

She gasped as he suddenly reached out and gripped her tightly round the waist, burying his face into the side of her neck. Her hands automatically slid up his back and she gripped him as tightly as he did her.

"The only thing that keeps you going is the woman you love." He whispered, pain in every word." Then, to your horror, you lose her. She's taken from you, and there's nothing you could do to stop it!" He sighed with misery. "When you finally catch up with her, she's been twisted into everything she hates, and it's all your fault!"

Bastila felt tears slip into her eyes, she knew how he felt. Knew very well. It was the same she felt every time she looked at herself in the mirror. The shame, the guilt… all of it inside her, unable to escape.

"I can't live the lie anymore, I'm Revan and I have to accept it." He said quietly, his voice wracked with agony. Pulling back he gazed into her turquoise eyes. "But I can't be that strong without you anymore!"

"Then don't." She whispered at him gently, feeling her anger with him crumble. "Let it go. I love you Revan, I love you for who you are, share some of your pain with me… please."

"What about you?" He whispered, and she sighed… always concerned for her as much as himself. "Will you share yours with me? Will you let me help you, as I help myself?"

She nodded and her mind shuddered suddenly, pulling a gasp of surprise out of her as Revan dropped all his defences and pulled her mind close to his. She felt him reach out to her, and she let her own defences drop. With the both of them so close, so unguarded with their emotions, thoughts and memories the bond slipped from a connection of two people to the sharing of one mind.

Revan felt her memories, her emotions, everything that made her who she was, slip into him and he gasped as everything she was slipped next to him, as though he could reach out and touch her. Bastila felt the same and she marvelled at everything she felt from him. Unable to help herself, she drifted with him through their combined memory, feeling overwhelmed. She wanted more time to explore, to marvel at the feeling this joining provided. But she couldn't, she had to help.

"It's time." She thought gently as she felt Revan try to slip gently between her and his emotions. With a sigh her mind slipped next to his and she felt Revan pull back slightly. "I'm not afraid to feel what you've been through."

"I don't want you to feel any of it." He thought reluctantly. "I've changed my mind."

Bastila felt him begin to pull back, to erect his mental barriers and reduce the joining. She reached out to him and gripped his mind with hers, her love for who he was wrapping them together."

"I need you Revan, as much as you need me." She sent to him, and his mind rejoined hers ever so softly. "Please, I need you."

He sighed and she felt his unease slip into her mind, even though he wanted to release all his guilt. She wouldn't let him go and gripped his mind with determination, until with a tender brush of apology he pulled her with him. Memories flashed into her mind, as his own sought the ones that filled him with such terrible pain. Overwhelming at first, she soon felt the flow slow.

"I hope you're ready." He thought and she felt his misery trickle into her mind as the images began to slip into her. "I hope you understand."

His parents smiling and reaching out to him as a child, his first birthday, school, a fight with a school bully, his first kiss… All of the memories slipped past her in a sudden flood and with each one she could feel his despair.

"All of these are my memories from who I thought I was," He sent to her, a terrible sadness mixed with the words. "Who I actually am is Revan, a fallen Jedi who caused more murder, destruction and cruelty than the mandalorian wars. The worst thing is, for all of my knowledge of what happened to me, some of the memories…" He paused and sighed sadly. "Some I can't believe are false, some I don't want to think are false. I… I have one which I wish with every fibre in my being was real, but it can't be."

"Show me." Bastila whispered and Revan sighed. With a nod she felt a sudden tug and…

With a flash Bastila found herself looking at a young man, sixteen or seventeen in age, climbing a hill in the middle of nowhere. A small survival pack clamped to his shoulders with unigrips. He stood up, panting from exhaustion and looked out across the horizon. In the distance, ships from a starport flew into the sun and he grinned. With a sigh he turned back to the hillock and began to climb once more. Bastila looked around and saw Revan standing quietly watching the young man. His face was mixed with emotions. They followed the young version of him to a hillock and watched as he set up a tent. Turning around the young man grinned once more, another figure was climbing the hillock, another environ pack across its shoulders.

"Telri, you made it!" Revan cries out to the figure, who looks up with a growl.

"Revan you bog slime, why'd you pick this place for our camp? It's miles away from anywhere!" Telri shouts from her ascent and Revan grins.

Bastila watches as his young frame runs down the hill and strives to help the figure, now she can see it's a young Twi'lek girl and she's obviously here for him.

"I'm glad you came." Revan says with a smile and he pulls the pack off her shoulders. I… I wanted you to see this, it's my favourite spot on the whole planet."

"Don't your parents ever get worried about where you are?" She asks him with a sigh and Revan shakes his head.

"Nah. Dad thinks it's a good thing for me, mom too. Sometimes I come up here to think about what I want to be…"

"Oh?" Telri asks as they reach the top of the hill and she collapses at the edge rubbing her feet. "So what is it? Soldier, smuggler, scout… Jedi?" She asks this last and grins.

Bastila felt a flash of regret from her Revan and glanced over.

"I think that Vandar and the others have a wonderful sense of humour." Revan whispered and Bastila blanched at his mixed emotions, his irony. "It's so funny, that added Jedi comment. How do they do it?"

With a shiver at his tone, Bastila wrenched her eyes back to the memory playing itself out in front of her.

"I dunno," Memory Revan says with a shrug. "All of them have what I really want."

Telri looks across and smiles at him. Her light blue skin is glowing in the sunlight and Bastila watches with a feeling of embarrassment as Revan slips closer to her on the grass.

"And that would be?" She asks with a smile. Revan sighs and slips an arm across her shoulders.

"I want to see the galaxy, not get stuck here. I'm only seventeen but soon, when I'm eighteen and I get the qualifications from flight school? I'm leaving."

"Oh where to?"

"Anywhere I can." Revan looks at Telri and smiles at her. "I'm gonna make my fortune out in those stars, and when I become rich?" He pulls her close. "I'm coming back to make you my queen."

Teri laughs and leaning across kisses him. He holds her tightly and together they watch the horizon as the sun sinks slowly, the ships in the sky flickering into tiny glowing dots as the sky darkens. Bastila feels slightly sick. This is so personal, so very private and yet Revan wants her to see it, needs her too. She looks across at him and sees that his eyes are moist. This memory is painful to him now that he knows the truth, so very painful. With a gentle shudder, the memory fades and Bastila finds herself once more in the soft glow of their shared mind.

"All of that is false," Revan thought gently. "Out of all of them, I wish this were true the most. How do I live my life knowing that all I can remember is a lie? What can make up for all of that?"

"I understand." Bastila thought back. "I wish what we did to you was untrue, but it is and I know how you must feel."

"Do you?" He looked at her. "How do you know what I feel when I can't sort it out myself? I feel…"

"Betrayed? Angry, shocked, depressed, as though everything you believed was and is a lie?" Bastila said in one go and Revan looked at her, speechless. "Because it's how I felt not too long ago, when I fell and with the darkness coursing through me, examined my own life. But I had someone make me realise something."

"What?" Revan thought at her with reluctant curiosity and Bastila smiled.

"That when you have someone who loves you?" Bastila looked at him and Revan felt her love slip across him. "That the past is the past and we are who we are, no matter what happens. "

"If that were true then I should still be Darth Revan!" he thought with a grimace at her and Bastila sighed slightly.

"Revan was a powerful force for good before he fell after the Mandalorian wars. When he turned to the darkside he lost himself." She smiled. "But I think, even with the loss of your memories, you are more like him than ever. Like the man I always thought you were."

With a sigh Revan smiled at her, she knew how to press the right buttons. He felt the despair lift slightly and stared at her. He could feel her belief in him, her acceptance of who he was now and in the future. With a slight grin he shook his head. She was right, even with the loss of his memories, the fact that his past was a lie, she was right. He had to live in the future, create his own memories and past for himself. One thing he knew for certain though, Bastila was the one thing he wanted above all else, and the one thing he needed. He felt part of his depression lift but another part still gnawed at him. Bastila felt it and he looked at her mind with uncertainty.

"What?" she thought quickly at him, and he looked at her sadly.

Despite all that I've managed to achieve." He said gently and Bastila felt his guilt. "Malak's death, the destruction of the starforge, hell even all the good you helped me do while we looked for the Starmaps. None of that excuses what I did, what I started."

"What Darth Revan started." Bastila said gently and she felt him disagree.

"I began this, the fact that I can't remember it means nothing. I started this war, with my belief in the Sith. All the death and destruction, the mangled worlds, ruined lives." He winced and his guilt flooded her. "How do I live with that? I feel guilt over things I can't remember… spent the past few weeks trying to undo a tiny part of the damage that I caused. Even with the Starforge destroyed, the Sith still exist and are attacking the Republic. All of this is my fault."

"Not yours, Darth Revan's." She repeated to him, urged him to see the truth. "Even with part of his name, you are not him. Who you used to be is gone. In his place stands a man who follows the light, who is a force for good and who is now the person I love… you. The loss of your memories, your personality, is a terrible price to pay for redemption, but believe me; you are worth the price. Take pride in what you have achieved as a Jedi. Take strength from the fact that I love you with all my heart. Also, if you want to truly atone for all you've done?" Bastila said gently. "Then continue what you've started. Be who you are, not who you used to be. Darth Revan is dead and Jedi Revan is now who you are. We can force the Sith back and help everyone once more."

Revan sighed and Bastila felt the darkness left inside him lessen ever so slightly. Bastila was right Revan decided. He had to concentrate on what he'd accomplished as who he was now, not who he had been. The fact that she needed him, loved him, wanted to be with him, made living with the knowledge of what he had lost easier to cope with.

Bastila's mind slipped around his gently and he felt her warmth, as though she was breathing softly onto his neck. He wished that he'd been able to prevent the torture she'd suffered at Malak's hands, wanted to help her deal with her pain and guilt now as she had him. Even as the thought passed through his mind, he felt her withdraw sharply, frightened.

"My turn." He thought gently pulling her back; Bastila's mind recoiled just a little. "Show me."

"I can't," Bastila whispered. "I can help you, but what happened to me is… is."

"Is what's keeping you up at night, giving you nightmares, affecting your judgement and filling you with guilt."

"Always the one with the fast answers…" Bastila thought tersely at him, but Revan felt her grudging acceptance. "Very well, but you won't like what I have to show you, what you'll feel though me."

"I've seen some of what you feel," He said quietly to her. "Your nightmare at the hospital, I saw that. All your guilt, all your anger and fear, it all came through that dream. I want to help you, Bast."

He felt her shift slightly inside his mind and with a flash he's there, actually with her, inside a memory she's been keeping quiet about since her corruption.