Hanagata Toru sat alone on the high bleachers of the Shoyo Basketball gymnasium. He stared at the empty court, at the solitary and unmoving baskets - but he could still hear the squeaking of the polished floor, the frenzied running feet, the ball bouncing on the ground, and the restlessness of his heart.
Just thinking about it stung at the corner of his eyes. He shrugged it off with a heavy sigh, momentarily closed his eyes and reached up to adjust his square glasses. To his surprise, he felt nothing. Ah, he almost forgot that he broke it. He's got to get a replacement soon.
Again, the thoughts plagued him as the sound of his specs crashing resounded in his ears. He touched the side of his forehead. There's still a small gauze patch plastered there.
He didn't want these memories. He wanted them to just go away, leave him for good. He did not want them, and the distraction and unpleasant feelings they gave him.
It had been such a good day, and everyone thought that the air was blowing for the Shoyo men's basketball team. They almost had victory in their hands, but it slipped away. Afterall the hard work, after all the effort, after all the expectations - they had lost. Lost to Shohoku, a team that didn't even make it to the final eight the previous year. It was such a depressing failure, and it damaged Toru more than it should, as all his other team members. It had already been a couple of days, yet, he still could not bear the thought of losing their chance to be the champions - to beat Kainan for good and play another year in the InterHigh tournament before they end their highschool years. They had it, he knew, and he was very determined. But they had it so much that they lost it. They were so close...
Fuck.
More than the regret, there was his shame. Their defeat was such a degradation of his pride - his pride as one of the best centers in their district, his pride as a team member, his pride as a competitive athlete.
Then he felt that familiar presence. And the shame beat stronger in his heart.
Will you still love such undeserving failure as myself?
But more than anything else, it was this man's pride of him as his player, and his lover.
"There you are. I've been looking for you."
Will you not change the way you look at me?
Toru could not utter a word. He just looked away from the man who sat beside him.
Will you still hold me like you used to?
"Stop avoiding me."
Silence.
Will you not want someone else that would not fall short of what you deserve, someone who would not fail your dreams?
"Please, Toru."
The ebony-haired man turned to look at his hands that were palms-up on his lap. He could not stand it. He cannot bear looking at this man that had expected so much of him, this man that he had let down. He cannot forgive himself for this man's broken dreams.
"I'm not blaming you for anything."
Kenji knew him so well. So well that he would know what's going on without even looking at his eyes. Finally, the tall center mustered the guts to look at the other. "I've...let you down. I've let you down, captain."
Rose lips curved to a warm smile. "Shut up, Toru Hanagata. We're not playing now." He chuckled, in effort to cheer the other up.
"We're not playing at all anymore." Toru muttered quietly, weakness in his tone.
"We could always play together."
"But I mean-"
"Yeah, I know."
"Aren't you feeling bad about it?"
"Of course I am." The blue-eyed ace said softly, gazing far into space.
Toru looked at his lover's eyes. They were glistening with sadness, and it ripped his chest apart. He was so disappointed of himself, even more disappointed as he saw those azure eyes as it gazed with such sadness and longing, with a matching sad smile on those rose lips. The image of Ken's beautiful eyes that were streaming with tears from his memory of the endgame flashed before him, and it broke his heart more. No, this isn't what he wanted at all. He wanted to make Ken happy, to help him reach his dreams, to beside him as he does. But no, now it's all ruined.
Ken turned to the taller man with a happier smile. "But it's all over now. Guess there's nothing much we can do."
"You were so good, Ken. But all your efforts were wasted...now you couldn't show the world how good you play." Ken deserved to win, Toru thought. But now he's sharing this failure with his team. No, this isn't what Fujima Kenji deserved. He deserved to be at the top the world.
"You played well, too." Now that smile was more genuine. Ken held Toru's hand in his, caressing it with his fingers to soothe the raging agony inside him. "Thank you."
Worried surprise painted Kenji's face as Toru bowed his head low, and muffled sobs reached his ears. There was so much despair and regret...Ken had always known how Toru was feeling. But he was, now, much overwhelmed by it, and by the reason for this breakdown that resonated inside him. It had been a couple of days that Toru had been avoiding his company-sure, he expected this, but it is only now that he realized how much loss his lover felt, now that he felt it himself.
The brown-haired boy rested his forehead on Toru's shoulder. He can sympathize with him at the least, if he can't console his misery. There was so much regret, so much frustration in the hitch of this man's breathing, and it made his own chest constrict with unexplainable pain. "Toru...you've got to get over this...it's all over." Ken whispered. He hated these feelings, and like Toru, he wanted them to go away. "I know you did your best. It was just not our time. The heavens have its reasons."
"But you wanted to win so much... and you deserved to win... now it's all gone..." Toru looked at his lover with tearful eyes; tearful and full of sadness.
"I don't regret anything. I did all I can, and we should all be proud."
"I'm so useless..." The raven-haired man scorned at himself in between sobs. "...and now you're paying for it. Now you couldn't fulfill your dreams. It's gone...and it's because I can't do enough. I'm so sorry for letting you down...I'm so sorry...for not being able to make you happy...please forgive me... you've lost it all-"
Ken covered Toru's lips with his own in a soothingly gentle embrace, silencing the man. He does not know how to convince this man that he wasn't blaming him, that he wasn't blaming anything at all, and that he does not regret anything as well. He was content with everything. Eventhough winning was what he could have preferred, he was content.
He realized that some of this man's pain was of his doing because he failed to make Toru feel that he didn't demand anything for him than to put his heart in his game, and to play his best so that he was satisfied and didn't have any regrets. But really, he didn't demand more, he didn't want anything more.
Toru's eyes peeled open to the smiling face of his Kenji. Both of the boy's hands were placed on both sides of his face as if telling him to pay the most careful of attentions. Thought escaped his mind as he felt those sweet, soft lips place a gentle kiss on his forehead, followed by probably the most caring whisper he had ever heard.
"...But I have you."
--fin