"The Camdens Go To War"
by Joe Cloudheart
Mary Camden was really sick and tired of her life being so craptastic. First her mom was a royal harpy, and the second was her dad was insane. She had been fortunate enough to witness her mother dying a fic before, but Annie had preternaturally escaped death when legions of zombies, and zombie hamsters, conga danced over the ruins of their last abode. Their new abode looked exactly like the other four that had been either burned down by an insane RevCam, stomped on by Godzilla, or accidentally blown up by Jesus.
"Dude, everything on TV sucks. And we sank all of our savings into these new digs. It's a good thing you pretended to get knocked up," she said to her sister Lucy, aka the Human Diving Board of Glenoak High. "But we need a new scam. Jeremy London is getting suspicious."
"I should never have dated someone from Party of Five. Well, him or the abuse guy. I should have gone with Scott Wolf but my stupid talisman attracted Jeremy. Which reminds me, I have some whoring to do about town…"
"Cut it out. We have other issues at hand, your hobbies can come later. Literally."
"Well ooh, fine Miss Prude, what do you suggest?"
"Let's watch some TV and continue to pretend that our parents don't exist. We don't live with them anymore. Thank God for hypnotism." They high fived each other. They had for years successfully managed to hypnotize and sedate their parents so that they had no lives…not that RevCam and Annie had lives that they were missing. But still it kept them out of their hair and convinced that Matt was straight and married and that Mary was straight and not a witch and that Lucy was knocked up. As for Simon, he was trafficking in illegal animal shipments and making money currently engaged in a deal with Korean mafia gangsters.
"Where's Simon?"
"He said something about a chinchilla needing love. I think it's going to get love from a fat guy named Ernie. Or maybe that was grandpa."
"He died, didn't he?"
"Who knows, okay, so it's probably the fat dude. Hey, look, Comedy Central has come out with its own version of Alexander!"
Puppets entertained them on the tube. Puppet Alexander was fighting puppet soldiers with fruity Indian costumes, and the acting was still way better than any other Colin Farrell movie.
"Derka derk derk Alexander starring Rob Shneider, derk-derk gay derka derk derk war is okay derka derk derk derk!"
"Wow. That is so deep," Lucy agreed with puppet Alexander.
"Let's see what else is on." Mary said, and turned it to Jerry Springer. "Hey! It's dad!"
The Jerry Springer logo popped onto the screen with the caption "I MARRIED A HOOKER!" Annie wailed on screen.
"And then he torched our home! And then he formed a cult! Waaaaaah!"
"Okay, let's bring out this…Reverend Camden," said Jerry passively. The RevCam came out sashaying in an Indian multicolored sari, with his nails done and wearing bright blue eye shadow. He started wagging his fingers at Annie.
"You knew what I was when you married me honey, you knew what I was! SHUT UP, talk to my hand! Nuh uh, you talk to my damn hand!" Annie wailed some more in response.
"Uh, did you drug dad this week?"
"I knew I forgot to do something…"
"That's just great, Lucy. Did you hypnotize him to do this?"
"No, did you?"
"No…if I had he wouldn't be wearing blue nail polish. Purple, maybe." They turned their attention back to the screen. Ever discovering their father had gone, in clinical terms (makes sound of rubbing his finger past lips ala Bugs Bunny) stark raving psycho, they had decided to confine him to a church basement filled with rats. Guess was he'd escaped. RevCam was restrained by Steve and sat down, adjusting his hair with carefully done nails. His caption read "Reverend Camden aka Tawanda"
"Dat's right, Jerry, she married me, dat's right!" belted Reverend Camden. "Anna she's jus' jealous cuz she ain't got all this, an' I do, an' I know how to work it, baby!" Reverend Tawanda snapped her fingers. The audience cheered. Annie wailed a lot, cause she's an annoying bitch like that.
"All I want is the man I married!"
"Well shoot, why didnchoo say so! Girl, here!" Reverend Tawanda reached into her purse and threw a dildo at a horrified Annie, who dropped it from her lap, and started screeching Bible verses with lots of "thou's" and "begat's" and other boring Bible words that make me and several other people want to fall asleep to porno films. Suddenly several armed men in suits burst onto the stage. The FBI was arresting their father!
"Oh well, let's see what else is on," said Lucy.
"Okay!" Mary turned the channel again.
Meanwhile, back on that studio sound stage…"Reverend Camden er…Tawanda, you have the right to remain silent for crimes of trying to take over the world and aiding and abetting a Japanese horror monster!"
"Dammit, I'm havin' a pedicure today, you jus' gonna have to reschedule me boy, and ow ow ow! Watch it bitch, I just GOT my hair done!"
A perplexed Jerry turned to the camera.
"When we come back, midget prostitutes who say they used to do lap dances for the Bush twins!"
Meanwhile, back in Glenoak…"Si, senor Camden, this chinchilla is the finest fur, the finest…uh…fur. I mean, what else you need a chinchilla for?"
"The guy we're selling them to is not interested in the fur, let's just say. Hey, here he comes now." Simon greeted his newest client. It was getting dark, and the shady deal required a shady van, under a shady tree on a shady street. What do you want, the name of the fucking town is "Glenoak". Korean mobsters were inside playing mah jong and Simon's dealer friend Derka Poncho Sanchez adjusted his stereotypical poncho. Because you can't do a drug deal without minorities. Hollywood says so. And Hollywood never ever lies. Suddenly, the white-haired man stepped out of the shadows, and he looked familiar to Simon, who had done enough acid to wash an entire truckload of jeans.
"Hey, aren't you that dude from TV?" Simon asked him.
"NO! Do you have my precious chinchilla?"
"Yeah, we got her? Do you have my money?"
"It's all here. And there's more where that came from if you can get me a real live capybara!"
"That'll take time. But my friends have some connections in the rain forest. How is Lucky doing?" Lucky was the name of the erstwhile and now rather sore Mongolian pony who was wishing vehemently he was back on the steppes during a snowstorm that Simon had previously supplied to his new friend.
"Here! Now gimme!"
"Kay, dude. Here ya go," said Simon handing over the carrier.
"Ah! My pretty baby! What's your name, OH!" The man started near hyperventilating.
"Kay dude, don't cream yourself. Or at least, ya know, wait…"
"Oh shut up!" growled Dick Cheney as he grabbed his chinchilla and frolicked in glee back to his cab, where he would catch a ride to the airport and then fly off with his newfound happiness.
"Dude, that guy is seriously weird," said Simon lighting up a joint.
Back with the Wiccan Bisexual Daughters Camden…"Okay!" said Mary. I think we've finally come to a marketable invention. I think we should celebrate.
"I guess so. Should we throw a party?"
"Yeah! And then we can reveal our invention. We do need sponsors if we're going to get this thing onto an infomercial, ya know."
"But it's perfect for TV! It's just begging to be bought by desperate nerdy teenage girls with no self esteem. Even more than Acne B Gone! Or the Forman Grill!"
"Hmm, true true," agreed Mary. "But more cash is better than none. Now…who can we call?" The phone rang. Mary picked it up, because she was used to picking things up. She didn't decide to become a firewoman to help others let's just say…well not in the sense that most people would. All those big hoses and such. "Oh, hi, it's you. No, I think we're kinda busy and—" suddenly she was interrupted by the doorbell. Sighing dramatically she hung up the phone and opened the door. It was Him.
"Jesus!"
"In the flesh, come here you!" Jesus hugged Mary who sort of stood there listlessly, looking upwards, ironically for help. Lucy waved hi with one arm nestled in the other as she hugged herself, expecting a dreaded Holy Hug, which she soon got. If she didn't know better, she could have sworn Jesus copped a feel. But still, he was The Big Guy, perks went with the game. So she swallowed her biting comment for another time.
Jesus came in and plopped himself on the couch.
"Say, I couldn't mind but overhearing, are you guys doing an infomercial?"
"Well, ya know…not as such…not yet."
"We need cash. You know," said Lucy, who was still irate about Jesus not paying bills at all or contributing worth a darn when he was their houseguest before. "It's this stuff that mortals use to get other stuff."
"Did you say tits this stuff??"
"IT'S! I said IT'S!"
"Okay, jeesh, I'm only the Lord, I can still hear."
"Whatever," said Lucy.
"Why are you here? I mean, with us?" asked Mary.
"Dudes, I'm like, always with you." Mary gave him The Look. "Okay, so that's kind of a load. Sorry, I'm used to people believing the crock of excuses I give them," he said, laughing it off. "I mean, when your dad is the boss, people will like, just nod at whatever you tell them, you know what I'm talkin' about?"
"Jesus, it's really not nice to deceive people," said Mary. "No, I'm just kidding, it really is." All three of them laughed. "So…what brings you by?"
"Well, see I sort of am on the outs with my dad, I sort of messed up again. I sort of let an earthquake or two happen and then I sort of forgot about the victims. You know how miracle stories are supposed to come out of tragedy? Oops! Woopsie, yeah, I need a place to crash."
"We'll consider it," said Mary. Lucy was shaking her head no.
"I can help you get your info-mercial on the air," Jesus baited her. "I know people in the ind-ustry!" Darn Jesus and his darn sing song voice making offers she couldn't refuse.
"I guess it couldn't hurt to have you over. But it that the only reason, I mean, what lies have you been telling exactly?"
"Um, nothing too bad…" Jesus rolled his eyes the other direction.
"Jesus!"
"Okay, I sort of told Brooke Shields she could act. And Britney Murphy."
Mary was beside herself. "How could you?" asked Lucy.
"Oh it was just way too easy! Those Hollywood suckers are so great to fool with. Mel Gibson thinks I love his work. I'm thinking of making him senile soon, he's already bedwetting."
Mary laughed. Even Lucy cracked a grin.
"Well, I guess we can make room for one more at Manger de la Camden," Mary said, flipping her hand in a "oh you" type manner. "Now just sit down, Lucy and I were about to make dinner."
"Oh cool, man. Is Simon gonna join us?"
"Uh, I dunno. Where is he? You're the Lord and all."
"Dude, I just got here, I don't wanna use my mojo. Oooh, I think Family Matters is coming on!"
"I knew there was a reason that show survived as long as it did," said Lucy.
Meanwhile, deep in FBI headquarters…Agents Smith and Wesson interrogated Annie and RevCam separately. Annie was going along with their questions in a polite and orderly manner, and she had requested a Bible for comfort. Because it's the U.S. government, Bibles were everywhere along with ugly chicks that couldn't get laid in high school and guys that used to be alcoholics until they found some heavy logic to attach to their newfound religious awe. Why is it so many former winos turn Christian anyway? Whenever you see them it's like "I was living in a cardboard box with my dog crapping on me and all I did was sell drugs, take drugs, and wet myself til I found God."
Meanwhile with the RevCam, agent Wesson was grilling some nice portabella mushrooms on the barbee, mostly to torture the RevCam, who he heard loved mushrooms. Unfortunately it was the wrong kind—wink wink. Agent Wesson began thumping his Bible against his head in exasperation. Next to him was the government appointed fundamentalist minister who was there because religion and government should become one and never separate because that is truly the path to intelligence.
"Man, you know, before I was an agent minister of the U.S. government I was living in a cardboard box with my dog who was crapping on me and all I did was sell drugs, take drugs, and wet myself til I found God. And then I found God. Now I drive a Beamer." The minister beamed. "Doesn't that sound great? Of course the mileage could be better, but the Lord provides…even if we are destroying most of what he provides for shoddy crapass cars that ruin the air. Where was I? Oh yes, Leviticus…"
"Quack quack!" said Reverend Camden. "Woo hoo! I'm Scrrrrooge McDuck!" he said in a Scottish accent. "Gimme some haggis! I want to swim in me money! ARRRRRRRRRRR! I like bagpipes and me money bin! Quack quack quack!"
"Mr. Camden," began agent Wesson. "When exactly did you form your cult bent on world domination?"
"Gizmoduck! It was all his idea!" the Revcam replied.
"Gizmowho?"
"Gizmoduck! His mother lives in the trailer park! She sells me pretty things that explode in me head! Woo hoo! Me Tales! Woo hoo!" The RevCam began singing nonsensical things that frightened anyone that heard his newly written lyrics.
"Mr. Camden, have you ever seen this man before? He's an internationally wanted terrorist and we believe he worked for you at a certain point." Agent Wesson held up a picture of Wilson.
"Aye, that's the one, he made me daughter a lesbian! She needs a trip to the money bin! Avast ye mateys, I'm Scrrrrrrooge McDuck and ye've hackled yer last dollar! I'm president of McDuck Industries, you know? We're having sales in our newest chain store "If It's Not Scottish, IT'S CRAP!" It's what I renamed WalMart."
"But WalMart has nothing but crap," replied Agent Wesson.
"That's because it wasn't Scottish before. Now where's is that caber? I need to toss one over McDuck castle before the druids get here!"
"This man is possessed with demons!" the minister announced. I should add that he got his degree in one of those colleges with diagrams in New Evolution class that had pictures of rocks-arrow-humans. RevCam sang some more, his voice altering slightly again.
"You gotta fight! For your right! To paaaaaaaaaar-ty!" He then sang the entire Beastie Boys album with that song on it. For hours. Putting his hands up in the air like he just didn't care.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…"Yeah. Uh huh. Double pineapple on that Hawaiian and Canadian bacon is fine. It's not like I can't eat pork or anything. Pork is soooo good," said Jesus. Lucy rolled her eyes on the couch. Now they were throwing a house party for all of Jesus and his buddies. He invited them over earlier and they were on their way. James Dean better be one of them, she thought, or Matt was gonna have a cow. Speaking of which, Matt was in the kitchen making them dinner. He was fitting into his role of housewife these days, perfecting his quiches and growing his hair extra pretty and long. He looked like an anime bishounen. With kimono, of course. Being his most extra flamingly gay, Matt also was on the phone with one of his seven boyfriends. Apparently, he was making a living these days on his porno website. This week was a Wild West theme, so he had rope burns from the cowboy-and-geisha scenes. But, work was work. She was just happy Matt had found something he liked doing. Again and again. And again. And again. She wanted to use the phone so she went into the kitchen.
"And then he was like no, you can't have them, and then I was like yes I can, and then he was like what are you going to do whore, so then I took his car keys and hid them in my crotch! Yeah but he was my ex principal, so I figured I'd have some fun…oh my God, what?"
"Jesus needs your help preparing for his party."
"Oh my God, is James gonna be here?"
"I dunno," Lucy replied snottily.
"Sorry honey, I have to go, the Lord is calling. No, that's not what I'm calling Richard these days. You are so funny!" Matt hung up and followed Lucy out into the living room.
"Okay!" Jesus said clapping his hands together. I guess we're getting ready. Just a few notes, my buddies are kind of not used to mortals unless they're real cool…and you guys totally are! But just a few notes, these guys are sort of high stakes players, so…lots of booze, lots of snacks, lots of scantily clad women on TV during the game, we should be set but if we need anything, I'm counting on…you guys!" Jesus gave them the thumbs up. The doorbell rang.
"They're here!" Jesus ran to answer. "Buddha!" A rather large Asian man entered and burped loudly. "In my culture that meant thanks for the grub. In advance. You got any beer in this place!?" Buddha wandered. Buddha was a lot louder than Mary imagined him. The doorbell rang again.
"Mohammed! You old kidder! Two four six eight!, Mecca is the pimpin' state…gooooooo Muslims!" Muhammad joined him on his last sentence. They were old college buddies, Jesus explained. They went way back. Mohammed was a tall motherfucker, thought Lucy.
Following them, Jesus introduced, were Jezebel, dressed in a Jasminey type outfit ala Disney's Aladdin, King Kamehameha with full headdress, Greta Garbo, who Lucy oogled, the Tooth Fairy, and her little known cousin, The Back Hair Fairy, who mostly dealt with people after electrolysis, Santa Claus, a dude who looked like the Quaker Oats guy, and last but certainly not least, Lucifer Morningstar. After Jesus introduced him the Camdens did a double take, especially Matt, because the man was devilishly handsome. He was dressed in a Brooks Brothers suit and looked like a refined version of Brad Pitt and Casper van Dien put together.
"Hi there!" said Matt bubblingly. "I'm Matt. Mr. Morningstar."
"Hey, how you doin' my man, and just call me L, huh, all my friends do. Sides, we got another Lucy here, things could get confusin', huh?" Lucy shrugged. He wasn't her type, her type was Greta Garbo and she was gonna get some poontang before the night was over. She ate some Cheetos and casually seated herself near the voluptuous European.
"Dude, I hate to rain on your parade," said Buddha, "but I saw some kid trip on your sidewalk and not get up. I think he's high."
"That'd be Simon. I'll go get him," said Mary. She went out where Simon was sprawled on the sidewalk face down.
"Heh heh. Heh heh. Hello, ground!" he said, albeit it was muffled.
"Get up you idiot. The founders of the world's religions, and Greta Garbo are inside. And I overheard that the Back Hair Fairy has television connections. Hurry!"
"I can fly, I can fly, I can fly!" sang Simon, singing to the tune of a long gone Disney flick.
"Yes," sighed Mary. "Yes, you can."
Inside, some were preparing to play poker and some to watch the game. Santa Claus lit up his pipe. "Ante up, I'm taking all you bitches tonight!"
Mary sighed. It was gonna be a long night.
As time went by, the group playing poker, who were refusing to play for souls tonight, even though Matt was totally game, and Santa was indeed kicking some ass. Jezebel wanted some fresh air, so she took her top off. Santa didn't win the next round. He did play footsie for her and muttered something about how would she like to be Mrs. Santa. The old one ran off and started a career mass marketing crap with K-Mart and now Mrs. Santa was serving time in the pen.
"Serves that old fat bitch right, getting liposuction and taking me for all I was worth…she even stole some of my elves for her sweatshop. Now she's sweating it out while her inmates take turns ironing her sheets, if you know what I mean…A HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Man, Lucy thought, remind me to never piss off Santa.
Suddenly Buddha was showing some agitation, rare as that was for him.
"Uh, Jesus, dude, it's Joseph Smith, he's coming up the driveway!"
"That guy, again? Bummer. Dude, why doesn't that guy just leave me alone?"
"He has such a stick up his ass…good thing I introduced him to bigamy or he'd still be a little mama's boy," commented Lucifer, looking over his cards carefully. The doorbell rang. Jesus reluctantly opened it.
"Um…hi."
"Hey, man, good thing I found you! You guys forgot to invite me again! I brought the Yeagermeister and some Jolt cola!"
"Dude, Mormons don't even drink."
"Right, neither do Catholics, none of us drink, now let me in. Hey, is that Jezebel…Jessie, baby!" Joseph Smith walked on by Jesus. "Hey, Brigham says he couldn't come cause he has this orgy going on in San Francisco."
The group put up with Joseph and Brigham, who invented Mormonism, and sort of just let them hang out, but didn't openly invite them to parties, they just kinda showed up, you know the type. Smith told some raunchy stories about his recent exploits in the Netherlands and everyone sort of rolled their eyes."
"Because no one had heard of hedonism," commented Lucifer.
"Aw, you always kid me, L. Hey man, did you ever get with those twins?"
"The Bush twins? Please, I had their souls when they were nine, but I wouldn't touch those skanks. Especially not with clean clothes. Their apartment is horrid and tacky, but then, they're Bushes. In the meanwhile, Matt had gotten a close chair to Lucifer and was batting his hair around and exchanging what he thought of as subtle hints when he glanced his way. Mary was talking with the Back Hair Fairy, who was a large Italian guy (he looked like the older brother from Everybody Loves Raymond) and they watched anime programs with sparkly characters that looked like Matt.
"So…um, do you like, ever go to anime conventions?" Matt asked the devil.
"No…but I did invent some of the tougher versions of Dance Dance Revolution. Oooh, look at that, I win this hand. Now who wants to raise the stakes, for oh, say, their soul?"
Everyone laughed at Lucifer's little joke. Suddenly it was more snacks, provided by the Camdens, or more pizza, more beer, or more drool in Simon's case. The Tooth Fairy kept on shoving him off her. By the time he woke up she was in a rather precocious mood, and she waved her wand at him.
"One more time drooling on me and I'm going to give you the teeth of a ninth century British soldier!"
"Kay, kay. Ooooh, you're pretty. Make colors." Simon drooled onto the floor.
"That does it. I'm putting a curse on you!" And she did. We'll get back to the wacky adventures here for a minute. In the meantime…
Back at the FBI headquarters…
Reverend Camden had insisted that they bring him new clothes if he was going to tell them any information. So he was now wearing a Beastie Boys T-shirt, blue and white spattered headband, and tight 80's style tiger striped velvet pants. He had written "U WANT IT" on the ass portion with a felt tipped marker. After doing so, he told them he was working undercover for the People's Liberation Front of Rolling Stone. After an hour of debate, Agents Smith and Wesson decided this was made up and didn't exist.
"Who do you work for?"
"Yo mamma!"
"How long have you been working for them?"
"Til the sun don't shine, girl. Here I go again on my ooooooooown," he sang, badly. "Down the only road I've ever knooooooooown."
Suddenly, white clad storm troopers stepped into the room, complete with white metal masks ala Star Wars. Ominous music appeared out of nowhere. A guy dressed all in black made rude noises with his fist and mouth, trying to sound like Darth Vader, only he was uglier and dumber. It was the President himself!
"Mr. President? What are you doing here?"
"Now Agent Smith, don't ask that, too long a story. Heh heh, I just had some money to cut from AIDS programs. God, everyone wants money, don't they know it takes all our money to blow up holes? I mean, Christianity is hard work. Whew, I'm tired! I better take a nap soon."
"Mr. President it's only 10 AM."
"Already? Man, I'm missing Sally Jesse. Okay, but first, you're pardoned," he said pointing at the RevCam.
"Mr. President this man is wanted for terrorism and for conspiring with Japanese monsters!"
"Oh I'm sure he didn't have anything to do with Godzilla, that was just a coincidence."
"But sir our findings indicate that Reverend Camden was responsible for forming a cult bent on world domination!"
"Oh that, look guys. He's a Christian. Christians aren't evil! Christians are nice people who live in gumdrop palaces with sugar roads and lollipop fairies, sheesh, how many times do I have to explain it. It's magical! We're all the good guys! Now let him go, I have a mission for him."
"But sir, he thinks he's an 80's rock star named…White Salamander."
"I'm undercover," Reverend Camden whispered very loudly.
"See, he's undercover, jeez, at least the guy works for Jesus! Unlike SOME people around here, Jew boy." Agent Wesson wrinkled an eyebrow. This is why I voted for Kerry, he thought. "Now I'm sendin' you and your lovely Christian wife to Iraq, to civilize those people and give them what they need."
"Unpoisoned water?" guessed Agent Wesson.
"Electricity? Medical aid?" guessed Agent Smith.
"No! I mean something important! Bibles! And the word of Christ, it's the only thing that REALLY matters. Now you all scoot, I got a nap to take care of, soon as I go and play in the ball bin. Good thing the White House installed one. Hey, has anyone seen my baba?"
"Ganoush?" asked RevCam.
"He means his bottle," one of the agents informed him. "Here it is, Mr. President, fresh from Barbara Bush's house…she said to tell you this was the last time."
"Ah well, mom is gettin kinda old, maybe I should have Laura do it from now on. Okay, as you were boys. Oh, and could you guys tell the army to blow up a city with some of those neat falafel stands, I'm feelin' a cravin."
"Sir," one of the storm troopers protested. "We have falafel here in America. It comes in many flavors and varieties, you can get it from a restaurant here in town."
"Have this man taken out and beaten, son, I said I wanted FALAFEL, and I'm gonna get it. I want it from Iraq, they have the best oil for it there. Get it? Oil? HA HA HA HA HA HA! Man, I crack me up."
RevCam was taken to Annie, who was involved in a big quart of Haagen Daas. She was making oink oink snorting sounds when he walked in. Annie burped.
"Pack your things, dear. We are going to Iraq!" Annie spit out her ice cream, and then licked it back up to preserve its creamy goodness from escaping. The agents explained everything to Annie.
"Oh honey, this is great! We can save our marriage and bring Christianity to the heathens!"
"I told you, call me Kermy!"
"I am not calling you Kermy!"
"Hi ho, I said to call me Kermy you fat pig! Say heeeeeeeeee-YAW!" RevCam made karate chop motions with his hands.
Annie took her Bible and started thumping him as he ran around the room from her. They ran around a table until a bored security guard tripped the RevCam and he stumbled to the floor. The ice cream came tumbling down on his head.
"Not the ice cream!" Annie wailed as she unstuck it and began licking it from his hair. "My ice cream! Mah ith cweah!" She stuck her porcine fingers through the rich dairy in the cart and saved it from its gooey cardboard prison. Then she hit him a couple of times while she sat on his back. Somewhere, an FBI agent laughed.
Meanwhile back at Casa de la Camden…
Simon unrolled himself off the Tooth Fairy. He'd wondered if they'd done it, and then decided he didn't care. He went off to find some pot. Jesus on the other hand was untangling himself from more people than that time he woke up from the party Cher threw last year.
"Man, my head. Oh wait!" Jesus snapped his fingers and no longer had a hangover. "Hey, is there any wine left? It ain't like that was the Last Supper or anything, ha ha ha, man I crack me up."
"You just remember your end of the bargain," said Lucy, who had slept with Greta Garbo in her room, but the tramp was already gone with a note saying she was a good lay.
"Yeah," said Mary. "We gave you refuge in our house, now you give us our infomercial."
"Yeah, I mean, I should have prayed for it and all, but you were right here." Added Lucy.
"Ah, no problem, I have other people take care of that shit," Jesus waved her worry away. Jesus, she had decided recently, was A-OK. Especially when he was doing his Wookie impersonation with his hair flipped over his face.
"Okay, okay, just let me see here. My calendar says I'm free to…oops. I forgot about that. Oh well, it's just the polar ice cap, someone else will take care of it…um, oh yeah, I'm getting my car waxed today, meeting up with Gilbert Godfried for some Chinese food, then I'm having dinner with Tom Cruise…he wants me to meet his latest boyfriend. It's really funny, he always finds these kids in restaurants, like he's such a cradle robber, and he pretends," Jesus said laughing "that he's not really Tom Cruise, then he offers to buy them dinner someplace nice, cause he starts out at Denny's or something and finds a really hot young thing that he met over the internet, or a hustler, it differs, and then he has them sign these non disclosure agreements and the next thing you know the WB has another star! It's just wild. He's such a cad that guy." Jesus' beeper went off, to the tune of Ave Maria, only much more quickly.
"And our infomercial?"
"Oh the Back Hair Fairy will take care of you…everything's all set. Gotta motor!" Jesus put his arms together ala a genie from I Dream of Jeannie and turned into pink smoke that went out of the house and to his Jesus Pad, which had a helicopter ready to go.
"Huh? What's going on?" asked Matt sleepily.
"Well last night wasn't too tedious I suppose," the most beautiful of all angels said. "Now shush, I have to make an important phone call."
"We'll still like, talk and stuff, right?"
"Uh huh," Lucifer said non-comittally. He punched a number into his cel. "Yeah. It's me. I had some business to take care of. I'll be into the office soon. Yeah, lots of rich Americans of late, look I want you to reschedule my 2-o-clock and set it back an hour. I don't care what he's fucking mergered, I'm going to merger my pitchfork to his ass if he doesn't like it, what is with these senators anyway? I swear, they think they have the only souls worth buying. I swear I should just set up shop in D.C. Alright, thank you darling, help yourself to some petty cash today and buy yourself something red. Ta!"
"So…when do you want to like, do something again?"
"Look, kid, this was fun, but…I'm not the monogamous type. Ciao, bubbula." The devil then walked out of Matt's life forever. Matt ran upstairs to his room to cry, or possibly watch reruns of Oprah.
LATER THAT DAY
"Man, filming that infomercial sure was hard," commented Lucy.
"Yeah, but it'll pay off soon. The buck are gonna come rolling in." said Mary. "Now let's watch!" Mary turned on the TV. There they were, just she and her sister and some annoying guy in a sweater.
"Are you fat? Ugly? Stupid? Does no one like you? Do you stink like rat doody? Well, then shut up, you fat morons! You need :
"BIGGER BOOBS!" the audience announced, cheering and laughing.
"That's right, Mary, and with our patented new product, The Boobinator, you'll get results instantly! In this culture, you need them, the sooner the better, hell I've known girls get pregnant JUST for the bigger boobs!"
"With it's vacuum pump resistance and the arts of black magic suffused within its power matrix, the Boobinator is JUST what the doctor ordered!"
"That's right, Mary," the British doctor said, interrupting. "I'm Dr. Soandso and I think that the Boobinator is just what I ordered! Especially since I started taking Viagra. Now, how much would you say it would go for?"
"A million?"
"Not even close you fucktwit! Try lower!"
"A hundred?" ventured Lucy.
"You're getting warmer, you ugly nosed dog. Try, even lower!"
"Maybe fifty?" asked Mary.
"Try lower!"
"39.99?"
"That was going to be my next guess!" announced Lucy.
"And you're both absolutely correct, now let's show the audience some testimonials from satisfied customers!" The sound went mute as Lucy and Mary smiled.
"Where did we get people willing to try this?"
"Texan beauty pageants. Where else?" Mary turned the sound back up.
"Look at my boobs! Aren't they boobtastic!??" the young bubbly blonde gushed.
Suddenly a large shaking shook the Camden home.
"Was that an earthquake?"
"Brrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkkkk!"
"Oh no, it's Godzilla!!" Cheesy uh-oh Godzilla music filled the background as the townspeople quickly commenced in evacuating Glenoak. Newly installed sirens (Thank you, Homeland Security Act!) brazenly warned its citizens. Godzilla used the electrical tower as its own personal…erm….item. We won't describe this scene much.
Meanwhile, back with Dick Cheney on board Air Force One…
Dick Cheney was surrounded by a room full of cash. He had decided to have a cash bath today, to celebrate his new chinchilla. He ran his hand through a stack of hundreds. He lounged nearly naked surrounded by green.
"Yes! Oh, yes! Oh God I love being vice-president! Oh yes, yes, yes! Oh, where are you, cherie?" He heard a scuttling sound as something burrowed under oodles of hundreds. "Ah, my petit cherie, mon chinchilla de amor, t'amore! Where are you, my little furry flower bud of lust! Yes! Oh God baby, I'm the vice president! I'm the vice-president!!!"
And that's all we need to say about that scene.
Meanwhile, back with Annie and RevCam…
Annie was blissfully sleeping in her seat when she was suddenly woken up by a radio alarm. The song was punk rock and went about asking her: "ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY, ARE YOU OKAY, ARE YOU OKAY ANNIE…"
"No I'm not Mr. Radio Guy, I'm really not!" Annie snorted and went back to sleep. Soon the sound of an electric guitar filled the air. It was her husband, and he was decked out just like Whitesnake! His many tight leather accoutrements were strained against his pudgy middle aged frame and his frizzled gigantic hair wobbled slightly."
"I'm a rock star! You can't tell me what do anymore! I escaped from the hotel and got my real clothes. You can't keep my music down, man! Wooooooooooo! Hey, I'm hungry for some ham. I'm going to find some ham, ham, hammy ham ham ham ham…" RevCam went off to find pork products. Annie buried herself in the bed. Suddenly the bed shook. Was this an earthquake? A horrible screeching sound could be heard. Military men waiting outside the hotel door barged in and for some reason their voices wouldn't match their mouths moving.
"Ma'am, Godzilla is outside, we must take you and your husband out of here. Quickly, we must get to the helicopter!"
"Yes," said the other, perfectly calm. "Godzilla is coming down the mountains and will arrive in Glenoak shortly. But do not be afraid. For we will be waiting for him as well. A ha ha. Ha. Oh how droll I am. Come sister fairy women, lead the way!"
"Yes, Mashimoto-san!" sang the twins, perched in a birdcage that a beautiful lab assistant had brought in. RevCam walked out of the bathroom having just applied his facepaint.
"WHO WANTS TO ROCK GODZILLAS REPTILE BUUUUUTT!!!!!! He sang, sometimes strumming his guitar.
It was just another day in her painful marriage. Annie frowned and followed everyone out to the helicopter.
"Look," said one of the twins to the other twin. "The fat American Christian and her rock husband, hee hee hee, soon she and him will meet their destiny…hee hee hee." They sang, and RevCam rocked his guitar and tried to get the melody right with his chords. They got on board the helicopter, finally.
"Hey man, you know what?" the RevCam said to the pilot. "I used to live in a cardboard box that my dog crapped in, and all I did was sell drugs, take drugs, and wet myself til I found God! Have you found God?"
"I think I've met his reptile version, sir," the pilot said frowning. "And here he comes!"
Godzilla came into their view. He wasn't happy. This was a Christian right controlled country and he was a leftist. The bastards had left him without a voice and it was pissing him off!! He unleashed his mighty lizard fury at a Bible camp he was passing through. Some of the evangelicals sang and others raced furiously to safety. Godzilla stepped on the ones that depended on God to save them, ironically. It was like stepping on tempura batter, he thought!
Back with the kids Camden…
"Matt, quick, get up, get out of your room and quit sobbing! It's the middle of the day already!"
"Yeah, good thing for us the Boobinator works quick and the infomercial didn't take too long to film," Mary said, explaining some minor time inconsistencies.
"Lucifer is gone, and he was the best ever!" Matt blew his nose hard.
"Matt, there's a giant lizard on his way to destroy us all, uh…again. And now that Bush has been re-elected he's REALLY mad. Get off your fucking duff!" Lucy screamed. The door opened.
"I cut my hair!" Matt announced. "And, and, I'm going to go to the gym and look fabulous and then he'll be sorry and want me back!"
"Sure he will. Can we get the hell out of here now? C'mon, we hired someone to help us escape," Mary said, filling him in. Matt, who now looked like an ad for Revlon Sassoon, hurried up his ass into some tight fitting jeans and a tank top that said BOYS BOYS BOYS and cut off above his belly button.
Soon the kids were off, towards their sparkling new future in space.
Back with Godzilla…
Godzilla wanted rap music and he wanted it now, dammit. He demanded his MTV be pumped to him via radio stations. Having eaten one he could now get reception. Finally he found something suitable called Wu Tang Clan. He listened to it as he stomped all over Glenoak. Going through their stuff, he learned of the wonders of Missy Elliot, and thought about it and decided Usher was totally gay. Army tanks and a giant armada of assault planes loomed.
"GET OUT OF HERE YOU SKANKY BITCHES, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN PAIN???" Godzilla tried telling them. He adjusted the radio station inside him to it would transmit. He knew they were listening and could understand him now. Something flew above all of them. They'd hired Monster Zero! Aka Ghidrah. Ghidrah roared something at him about how he always had to have his say and do what he wanted and never thought about anyone else.
"GIRL, YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS WHEN YOU MARRIED ME! YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS. NUH UH. TALK TO MY HAND, BITCH, TALK TO MY HAND, TALK TO MY HAND, TALK TO IT!!! GET THIS SKANKY CHEATING HO AWAY FROM ME, GO BACK TO YOUR HOOTCHIE DADDY! GO BACK TO GAMERA! STANKY ASS HO! DAT'S RIGHT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE, I KNOCKED IT UP WITH RODAN, WHORE! TAKE THAT!"
Ghidrah battled with Godzilla and they wound up destroying massive amounts of lake, forest, mountainside, and eventually most of Glenoak, charring mostly everything that remained. Wu Tang Clan played on.
Back with the Camden kids…
Lucy charged up her engines. So did Mary. So did Simon. Finally Happy did his part and laid a furry paw on his own ignition sequence. Soon their spaceship plane was born anew. Where did they get it? Well it's a really long story, but basically they stole it from a top secret base where annoyingly good children were trained to be fighter pilots. It was sort of like Thunderbirds, only it didn't suck. Actually just picture the X-wing, that's a really cool plane.
"Okay, guys," said Mary. "We've been monitoring Godzilla and I think it's clear what we need to do?"
"Invest in moisturizer?" asked Matt.
"Invent a new method of torturing Mom?" asked Lucy.
"Both would be fun, but no. We need to stop the Christian right wing agenda before Godzilla destroys the country."
"I see," said Simon. "We're inside a seagull!!!"
"Uh…yeah," said Lucy. "Anyway, how are we going to do that?? Half this country was retarded enough to vote for him."
"I haven't planned that far ahead. Maybe we'll just find out what we're going to do when we get there."
"Well first, we need to co-ordinate, so fly us to Milan for makeovers." Matt interjected.
"Uh, can you settle for Miami?"
"Oh, whatever," Matt said testily.
When they arrived on the White House lawn, an army of private soldiers surrounded their plane. Mary popped down, she and Lucy and Simon all wearing jumpers similar to the suits that the Brady kids wore when they had their own variety show hour, complete with bellbottoms and oversized sunglasses. Mary turned them into various things: pudding, doves, Lyle Lovett. That last one was enough to scare off the rest of them and they put down their weapons. Who the hell wanted to look like that for the rest of their lives?
Meanwhile, in another location in White Bread America…
Ann Coulter hailed her portrait of Adolf Hitler as she marched into her study. She always marched at home like a Nazi. Of course, no one was more Aryan than her, she told herself. I'm the prettiest li'l Nazi ever! She tossed back a wave of her lighter than golden hair. She dialed up the White House for an interview. Unfortunately she was told that due to problems beyond their control, they were busy with something else.
"But I'm the patriot of patriots! I've destroyed legions of unfaithful Democrats who have stood in the way of Progress. Hail Bush!" she hailed. Being very affronted, she called one of her minions, who was dressed in Nazi regalia she had bought on Ebay.
"I want you to send that first piece of mine to the Washington Post, and that other piece you can send anonymously to the people in Laramie. We'll show those sons of bitches they can't make out a dead gay boy to be a victim. How dare people sympathize with gays. Soon, my robots will crush any resistance! They will be defeated like Czechoslovakia! Only with robots! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Suddenly she got a phone call. Raising an Aryan eyebrow, she narrowed her eyes. So. Godzilla was attacking Republicans, eh? It looked like it was war, and her robots had been manufactured just in time!"
"Assemble the gigantic Robo-CharltonHeston!!!" she commanded. Her minions proceeded her as she visited her deep underground lair, through vaults of steel. Robo Charlton Heston much resembled Voltron. It was an eerie similarity, really. The smaller robots of Rush Limbaugh were acting up and crashing left and right in drunken circles so it looked like Heston would have to do for now. She crawled inside the head of Heston, and swearing silent allegiance forever to Hitler, Bush, and Britney Spears, she swung close the hatch. A countdown was begun and the giant robot was raised by another platform. Cables, big ones, really big, fell and sparked. The robot shot up into the sky in a big, fiery plume.
Meanwhile with the RevCam and Annie…
Annie looked at Iraq. The people were all afraid and she couldn't see any signs of resistance. Democracy was awesome! Christ love all Republicans, she thought patriotically as she passed a woman starving to death. God, she thought, some people are so needy. She chewed from her bucket of Kentucky Fried chicken, and gave the woman a bone. The woman mumbled something Annie didn't hear, and it was in that godless language anyway. Why did there have to be so many foreigners here, anyway??
The RevCam had decided since it was hot he was going to dress like a cowboy. With fancy spurs. Soldiers gave him funny looks when they saw him so he told those varmints to skedattle before he "cut the blazes outta them". Whatever that meant.
Annie walked around her. Flies swarmed, dust blew. She walked around with her Bible. "Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you about Christ. You know, he's part of a REAL religion."
"I speak English," said the young Iraqi woman. "I'm not interested. I have to go find water my family can drink now."
"But Christ wants you to listen to his word!"
"Oh, really? Well I have a few words for him, namely $&# ##$$! $#& & !##$$!!!" With that the young woman departed.
"Excuse me, sir? I just wanted to tell you a little bit about God!"
"What are you, kidding me?" the older Iraqi gentleman exclaimed. "That's like an ox killing my daughter and then wanting to tell me about having a birthday party for his daughter ox. You Americans wouldn't know hypocrisy from your ass if you got bitchslapped with it. Buh bye."
Annie tried talking with people who spoke the godless language, but mostly they just wanted her chicken. Finally someone stole it.
"No, my chicken!!!!" Annie wailed.
"Padner, looks like you lost that round. But don't worry, I got my guns right here to protect the Word of the Lord!" said her husband.
"Those are just cucumbers," Annie told her husband, extremely afraid. RevCam did not look perturbed.
"And they're loaded!"
"Iraq isn't the wholesome place I want it to be. They don't even have a Wal Mart!" Annie complained. "or…or…hot dogs, or kitty cat figurines, or quilting bees. And why don't people love hearing about the Bible…it has all these neat words like 'unto' and 'begat' and 'didst' and 'thou' and 'maketh'. Why I could just listen to those all day long! What's wrong with those people?"
"Maybe it's because they need some whiskey! I know I do. Bartend, give me a quarter's wortha whiskey. And some fer mah mule here," he said pointing to Annie.
"Ah, sir, we do not sell whiskey, it is against our religion."
"Gainst' there ligion? Man, I need get back to Merica! Whiskey ho!" RevCam clocked together some coconuts as he rode off into the sunset, leaving a bewildered Annie trying to prostletyze and U.S. soldiers jeered at he from afar.
And then, for no reason other than to amuse people, Jesus appeared to Jerry Falwell and told him that crossdressing was the way to God. Just look at the Mexican crossdresser dude that dresses like Bram Stoker's Dracula on Telemundo! He likes God and God likes him. It's all about the panties. The next day, in front of a horrified congregation, Jerry Falwell came dressed as a line dancer for a French brothel. Horrified, the government took back the millions of dollars it gave Jerry to spread the word of God in the name of "charity" (btw this has really happened if that wasn't depressing enough) causes and helping people. Because separation of church and state is bad and they don't have enough money to tell people about God and what no one should wear. Right wing Christians don't know fashion from their dogs' bungholes. The funds given to the congregation were rediverted to the Boy Scouts to prevent any of those nasty gay boys from getting in. Or atheists.
Back in Washington D.C…
The Camden kids were escorted up to a staircase within the White House. Dressed like a cross between the Brady kids and Nasa test pilots, they were ready for action. Matt flipped his hair dramatically.
Bush walked down the staircase with ominous music in the background. Recognizing that something was wrong, Mary lurched into the air and shattered reality! It was just a trick they'd used, they were now in some kind of virtual simulation. Bush backed away and said: "I know kung fu". Mary kicked him in the groin and then punched him. He moved in slow motion backwards, knocking a hole in the marble wall. The guards on either side of him fought the Camden kids with tridents. Matt flipped his hair and in doing so punched one of them unconscious. Lucy pretended to be going into labor and then took her Lamaz pillow and suffocated the other. Once they were both unconscious, Bush regained some momentum. He fought all three kids with kung fu moves, but eventually Mary got the better of him, taking a basketball she'd conjured out of nowhere, and repeatedly bouncing if off his thick head. Each time was like he was knocked conscious. Head injury didn't seem to affect him much. Suddenly Laura Bush sat at the top of the stairs reading a book. "Mein Kampf" if you looked carefully enough.
"How do you do?" she asked. "Now darling, is that any way to treat our guests?" She smiled in her really fakeass way. Bitch is really an understatement. She was just like that boss you had a long time ago who tells you how great you're doing and then complains about you to your other more immediate boss and you don't even know what you did, but she's just a total bitch who needs to take out her shit on someone. Anyway. Look who she's married to. Nuff said.
"We've come to end your reign in the name of Godzilla!" announced Mary. Lucy rolled her eyes. Matt yawned loudly and patted his pretty, sparkly hair.
"Does anyone have any gum?" he asked, quite effeminately.
"Not now Matt! Jesus!"
"Where? Did he bring Lucifer? How's my hair?"
"Silly little children! I am Bush and I will not be defeated by any mere team fighting for Japanese monster rights!"
"It's not just him, Godzilla fights for the world, for the natural order of things."
"Who said that?" asked Mary.
"It is us." Two miniature female twins the size of a canteloupe gazed up at them, perched on the staircase, free of their birdcage. "Mashimoto-san told us we should come here. Godzilla seeks you should stop destroying the earth. Foul waters made him what he is. He seeks to help humankind now. Please help us." They spoke in diminuitive voices but made perfect sense.
"Oh God! I'm having a flashback! I knew I shouldn't have taken that hit in college!" Bush cowered on the stairs.
"Oh stop it, you big baby!" Laura chided him. "Godzilla will not persevere and neither will any of the Asian empires that stand in our way. We will conquer everyone under our rule of hand and no one will oppose us! No one!" Just as she was finishing her speech, Lucifer strolled up behind her, reading Anais Nin, because her writing was amazing.
"Why hello everyone. Laura what are you babbling about? And Mary, Simon, Lucy. It seems like everyone is here."
"We're trying to help Godzilla, Lucifer," Lucy informed him.
"Oh, cool, cool. You want some help, contact my people and we'll write you a check."
"NO!" Laura Bush screeched. "You work for me! ME! You made my husband win again and again and you made logic take a backseat to history. You don't help THEM!"
"Excuse me, but I am the Lord of Hell. I can do whatever I want. And what I really want is to play racquetball."
"But George promised you his soul!"
"Big deal," Lucifer replied snottily. "If I had a dollar for every time I heard that line. But I gave you my soul! Whiners. Why don't you work our your aggression through sports. You know it helps Arnold and he's one of my better customers. At least his attitude is better."
"Then like, you're not going to help them win or something?" asked Matt.
"No sweetness," the devil said, taking Matt's chin in his fingers and tugging gently. "No, I go where the ball goes. I'll collect Bush's soul when the time is right. For now, though, I have racquetball and dinner in Thailand. The vegetarian dishes there are just…sublime. Exquisite. I'm thinking I'll take in some braised crab as well. Gotta live some, right?" His watch went off. "Ooh ooh, gotta go do my workout. I'm watching myself. After a billion years you tend to want to let yourself go but I refuse. Call me a queen, but aren't there any decent standards left? Ta. But I'll leave you all with a parting gift before I go." He evaporated. Matt was also gone, presumably to an amusing Thailand retreat.
"Uh…okay. Anyway. You have to stop this now! Godzilla is on his way here!" said Lucy.
"So is ANN COULTER!" shrieked Mrs. Bush, and she got a dazed George to his feet. "Once her robot gets here you two will be utterly destroyed. So there! Take that! Christians 1, Camdens nada. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
"You mustn't anger Godzilla further. The affects could be irreparable. Monster Island cannot take much more of the environment. You must create balance." The twins were largely ignored.
"I want some cocaine!" George W. Bush announced loudly.
"Shush sweetie, your blow is upstairs, come on, come on…" They departed and a bewildered Mary and Lucy returned to their giant robot plane. Examining is they found it turned into a giant robot version of Ben Affleck! Who is hotter than hot.
"Robo Ben sequence commenced. Inputting data from Project J!" Lucy said, working fervently. Soon, Ann Coulter was on their telescreen.
"Give up now, liberal scum. You cannot withstand the Nazi might of my Charlton Heston robot! You will bow before us! No one that disagrees with us will be left standing! You will be forced into camps where you will be forced to read Bible passages with neat words like "thou" and "Thee" and "begat" and…"
"NOOOOOO!" said Mary. "End transmission! Lucy! Our invention! It can defeat her!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot about the tinkering we did."
The Ann Coulter led Robo-Charlton Heston landed with an enormous thud. Robot faced off with robot on the White House lawn. Sparks flew. Happy wasn't very happy when he went flying out a leg because he didn't put on his seat belt correctly.
"Now!" Mozart music played from somewhere as the apocalyptic battle raged. A plunger and a vacuum tube emerged from the Robo Ben Affleck's chest. It attached itself and began pumping furiously. Soon Robo Charlton Heston had grown enormous metal breasts! Didn't see that one coming did you? You went into this fic thinking yawn, more of the same. Well, this proved YOU wrong. And just wait, there's even more to top this.
"My Boobs, my horrible, horrible boobs!" the Charlton Heston robot muttered in his creepy old man voice. Ann Coulter screamed from within her module. This wasn't possible! She must win! She was white! White Christian people always won. Didn't they?
Soon the boobs exploded with tentacles that wound around and around the Robo Charlton Heston, forming a ball and a rocket emerged from the bottom. It blasted Ann Coulter into space, screaming obscenities. Soon she was headed on a collision course with the sun. Hooray!
Meanwhile, back with RevCam and Annie…
RevCam and Annie had eaten all the food reserves and were now complaining about the heat, and the flies and the lack of drinkable water and medical supplies. RevCam needed them ever since his cow of a wife sat on him gorging herself on ice cream. Suddenly Annie saw a trough for donkeys and waddled over. She started slurping away even though it wasn't that tasty. She hadn't eaten in an hour!
Horrified Iraqis looked on at her big American bum and wandered away glad not to be born in America.
"I don't think war is a very good thing," said RevCam. "I don't like it. Are we there yet?"
"We've been in Iraq!" Annie yelled at him.
"Are we THERE yet?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Why did I marry you? I thought I was marrying someone that cared about God!"
"That's okay, it'll all be okay," he said comforting her. Then he pushed her head into the trough trying to drown her. "Begone, she temptress! Foul whore! You tried to murder my father the king! I shall have none of it or my name isn't Hamlet!"
Just then, aliens landed and scanned for intelligence. Since the only people nearby were Annie and RevCam they decided there wasn't any and went on to another planet, looking for truly intelligent lifeforms they could help mending disease and fighting hunger. Sucks to be us.
Anyway, just then, a massive rip in the fabric of time occurred and Lucifer stepped out of his dimensional shift. Standing with him were Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Greta Garbo, and Jezebel, who were definitely dressed for the climate. Lucifer stood nearby the Camdens as they were covered in hung and filth and fought in the muck.
"Excuse me, you are Annie Camden, correct."
Annie lifted herself up and breathed raggedly in for air. Elbowing her husband hard in the ribs, she stepped up and looked at him in awe.
"Are you…an angel of the Lord?"
"Yeah, whatever, here's my card," said a disinterested Lucifer. It read:
Lucifer Morningstar
President of Hell and Morningstar Farms
Providing good vegetarian alternatives for all
Est. before linear time copyright The Devil, Aka Me
"Oh, you're just making fun of me now."
"No, your children do that enough for me. I'm here to give you guys a lift."
"Ho ho ho!" said Santa. "I love all the little boys and girls of the world. Well, except for the poor kids, hey L, let's get the hell out of here, huh? I have a bocci ball game to get to."
"Not me, I'm staying, I have work to do here!" Jezebel announced, and headed towards a really good looking gaggle of built army guys who were looking grateful to see her. Greta Garbo just stood around looking all cool.
FLASH!
Suddenly Annie was in the White House. Laura Bush was giving her husband some blow to wake him up and she had a needle handy as well. She always looked forward to those adrenalin shots.
And now, for our finale, "The White House: the Musical!"
Simon was wandering around the White House looking for something to eat. Boy was he hungry. Suddenly someone surprised him with a hand over his eyes.
"Happy?" he asked, forgetting Happy was the dog.
"No, silly, I'm Jenna Bush!"
"And I'm the other Bush twin! I forgot my name. Isn't that silly!"
"Do you have any peanut butter?" he asked.
"I could put some on my breasts for you!"
"Okay!" Simon was really just interested in the peanut butter. Yep, he was that baked.
Meanwhile, Mary and Lucy and Matt found themselves walking down an unfamiliar corridor of the White House. Flames blared.
"We have to help Godzilla!" said Mary.
"We have to help the world!" said Lucy.
"My nails aren't dry." Matt blew on his nails.
Suddenly they reached two wide doors.
"WHO DARES DISTURB THE POWERFUL AND MIGHTY BUSH!?" the voice boomed.
"Us." Mary waved her wand and the doors tore open. Bush stood there speaking into a children's microphone (the kind Toys R Us sells).
"Aw, you weren't supposed to come in yet." Then he ran away like a little girl.
"Get him!"
RevCam was licking a painting of George Washington when Annie found him.
"Stop licking things in the White House!" she nagged him.
"I know you are but what am I?!" he shouted back. "I want candy!"
Just then everyone walked into the same large room A tour guide walked by with a tour; she spoke in a very enthused Southern accent.
"And over here you can see the president with blow on his face and a man licking a portrait of George Washington, for some reason! Next up, the room where the ghost of James Polk can sometimes be seen…"
After the tour left, Lucy pointed a finger. "Give up! Abdicate and let John Kerry on the throne!"
"Never!"
"Ann Coulter has been defeated, she is entering the rim of the sun's atmosphere!" Mary declared.
"Could you all stop yelling? I'm getting like, hearing damage, I swear," Matt added.
"We'll see," said Laura Bush, taking a book from the shelf and reading from it.
Clemnuestra pauly shoris
Tubabanjo lewinski monicus
Gatesofbillius enron maximus
Christo tackus ultranonsensus!
Lightning crackled and wind filled the room. Laura Bush laughed and cackled. George wet himself and tried finding his mommies breastmilk. Mary stood forward and cast her wand forward.
Michealmooranda suzanasumerias
Marraigentagay factillius solidia!
Corbinbernson ajax cleanlias
Shinji asuka rei penpendas!!
Suddenly the storm was over! But Mary was not finished. Et comenci musicalia!
All was silent. Somewhere, a voice picked up. It was Lucy's.
We go together like
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a da
ding-de dong
Mary picked up where she left off:
Remembered forever as
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da
yip-pi-ty boom de boom
Then Simon, the Bush twins, and Matt:
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
That's the way it should be
Wha oooh yeah!
"Wait a minute!" Lucy screamed. "This is from Grease!"
"Not anymore it's not…we're living the music!" Matt said, really into it. "We're going Broadway style!" Then George Bush was drawn into the mix as he sang:
I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control.
Cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'
Laura sang right back at him:
You better shape up
cause I need a man
and my heart is set on you
Matt turned to Lucifer who appeared out of nowhere:
You better shape up
you better understand
to my heart I must be true
Nothing left, nothing left for me to do
Then everyone sang!
You're the one that I want (you are the one I want)
ooh ooh ooh!
honey The one that I want (you are the one I want)
ooh ooh ooh, honey The one that I want (you are the one I want)
ooh ooh ooh, honey The one I need (the one I need)
oh yes indeed (yes indeed)
RevCam:
If you're filled with affection,
'n you're too shy to convey
Buddha (who also appears out of nowhere):
Meditate my direction,
feel your way I better shape up,
The Bush twins:
cause you need a man I need a man,
Everyone:
who can keep me satisfied I better shape up, if I'm gonna prove
Lucifer:
You better prove, that my fate is justified
Matt:
Are you sure?
Lucifer:
Yes I'm sure down deep inside
They all did the chorus again before Bush broke free of the spell.
"Witches! You won't get away with this! I'm gonna set my dogs on you an' my FBI and CIA and TRL!!"
"That's a show on MTV, dear," Laura Bush reminded him.
"I don't care I'll do it!" said Bush.
"Not so fast!" RevCam announced. Annie was too dumb…founded to say anything. "You're it!" And he pushed Bush into the vortex that Lucifer had left manifesting.
"Man, he could wind up anywhere in the dimensions now," commented the devil. "Hey, I'm getting great reception on my cel phone. Hey, yeah, cancel my ten o clock, I'll be late. Well, I'll get back to him. Tell him? Tell him I'm bad and I do what I feel like." He hung up. "Which reminds me…Mrs Bush…" The devil snapped his hands and everyone was dressed as the characters from Rocky Horror. And then the dancing began!
Lucifer
It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely...
Laura Bush:
Not for very much longer.
Lucifer
I've got to keep control.
I remember doing the time-warp
Drinking those moments when
The Blackness would hit me
And the void would be calling...
Everyone.:
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Jesus:
It's just a jump to the left.
All:
And then a step to the right.
Jesus:
With your hands on your hips.
All:
You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Laura Bush:
It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded, I see all.
Lucifer:
With a bit of a mind flip
Laura Bush:
You're into the time slip.
Lucifer:
And nothing can ever be the same.
Laura Bush:
You're spaced out on sensation.
Lucifer:
Like you're under sedation.
All:
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Matt:
Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All:
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Jesus:
It's just a jump to the left.
All:
And then a step to the right.
Jesus:
With your hands on your hips.
All:
You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
"Oh yes, yes, I see now! I can finally be free!" Laura Bush exclaimed as she tore off her clothes.
"Baby, I have to go seduce this mortal, could you wrap things up for me here?" Lucifer asked Matt.
"I guess so."
"Good. Come, Laura. I will now sweep you off to the master bedroom."
"You won't tell George, will you?" she said in nothing but her undies.
"Of course not. Not if you don't want me to…" They hurried up the stairs and disappeared.
"Well that was unexpected," commented Lucy.
"You think that's something…" Jesus said. "Watch this. Poink!" He pointed at Mary with his mojo.
"What did you do?"
"I feel like having a little brother so I made you preggers. Ain't it awesome?"
"What??!"
"Yeah, you'll have my kid, won't you?"
"Uh, no?"
"Aw, please. For me? I really want a son. Kids are so cute."
"No! I'm not giving birth to the uh…grandson of God."
"I'll totally make it worth your while."
"Oh, fine! You better, though. And I better get to rule a country or three out of this deal, and none of the crappy ones either, if it's going to be small it better be a really nice tropical island paradise."
"You can come to Monster Island to visit us if you wish." The two miniature twins said in unison. "You have helped Godzilla. Now the world can work to heal itself. Monster Island is in your gratitude. Thank you, Mary-san."
"Uh…you're welcome. I guess." Mary said unenthusiastically.
"Hey, that reminds me, everyone, let's go for some Thai food!" Jesus yelled to the crowd behind him. So he swept them away to Thailand for a spell where the crab puffs were divine. Ha ha. What else would they be?
Santa Claus got wasted on margaritas and started coming onto the Bush twins, who, oddly, sounded really excited about the job opportunities he had in mind for them on his North Pole. Budda hot laid because he's the man. Jesus wept…as he smelled some spicy dish with curry in it before retiring with Mary so she could look at baby catalogs and boarding school options. Lucy worked on her new invention, the Bad Personality Pad. It worked like an acne pad but instead of destroying zits, the action went deep into the brains of annoying people to make them voice their thoughts less. Happy wandered too far and got speared by some very happy Thai kids. Simon found a dealer and wound up making love to a pineapple all night, mumbling something about getting to be in the Olympic bowling team. Annie gorged herself on ice cream and asked the waiter to haul out a cart of Oreos. RevCam played Whitesnake on karaoke til he puked. Matt wound up waiting for Lucifer who never showed up, when a sudden, and quite handsome waiter arrived with a tray of Mai-Tais.
"Hey cutie, you look kind of down."
"Yeah, my boyfriend has sort of dumped me I think."
"Morningstar, again? Boy that guy does get around. I'm a pal of his, well, we hang out every now and then. He said I should stop by and give you a call, but I thought that was too impersonal. My name is James." He stuck out his hand. Matt froze.
"Oh, my God! James Dean!" Jesus nearly came out of his hut by habit, but decided that he wasn't being referenced after all when he saw the two amorous lovebirds of Matt and James looking at each other dreamily in the night air. The torches were lit and the stars were glorious, and all was right with that world.
"I think this is the beginning of a very beautiful friendship," said James, slipping his hand around Matt's ass. Matt beamed and shuddered as James said: "C'mon, we'll go back to my hut. I got a great view of the uh…beach."
"I have a pretty good view right here—" Matt said, and they began to do unspeakable acts in public. Who needs a hut when you've come down from heaven for some nookie, right?
Meanwhile, back in America…
A giant throne had been constructed. Godzilla sat atop it, it having been carved from a mountain. The puny humans whooshed by with their helicopters. He gave them sonar orders and relayed what needed to be spent on what. He ended the war and brought real education back to America, based on the Japanese system where you actually had to do stuff. Also, he insisted on being called God Emperor Zilla. Cher was made the new Secretary of State. Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon were offered positions in Cabinet, along with Howard Stern and a bunch of environmental scientists that actually knew what the hell they were doing. Separation of church and state was re-affirmed and America entered a new Golden Age, aided by their Lizard leader.
"SOMEONE TELL GAMERA TO GET ITS SKANKY ASS OVER TO ALASKA AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING BEING AIDED BY ALIENS FROM PLANET ZERO! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"
The End. Or is it??? (ominous cheesy Japanese monster movie music)