AN: Well, this will probably suck. More than likely, but I wanted to post it anyway. Yes, I remember my other fics that have yet to be updated. My apologies to my reviewers on that. I've been I in a state where my writing has been affected greatly. It has persuaded me to write this messed up little ficlet though. Hmm... amazing what depression can do, eh? Well, hope you enjoy.
It's a beautiful night tonight. A light breeze blows through my opened window, ruffling my hair. If it weren't for the seriousness that surrounded me, I might have welcomed the serenity of it all. I might have considered smiling and basking in the moon's light. I despised that moon in all it fullness. Cursed it for actually having a rotation so that it might shine so brightly on me. Didn't it care that my heart was breaking?
Even as I sit here now, wiping the nonexistent tears from my cheeks, I know I can't blame the moon. Maybe I should blame myself for falling in love. I can feel my lips turn upward in a sad smile. I can't blame myself for that, can I? Everyone knows that you can't stop yourself from falling in love. When I really think about it, no, I would never take back anything that I've ever encountered since I realized that I had fallen in love. Placing the blame on myself would only make me doubt that love and I just can't bring myself to that.
I've made my decision and even though my heart feels like it's dying, I have to stick to it. I have to be strong and do the right thing. I keep telling myself that over and over. Do the right thing, Kagome. You know it's best. Just do the right thing. I didn't think I'd ever had the strength in me to make a decision like this. Does anyone really? Can anyone put aside their selfishness, put aside their own personal feelings, and make a decision that could change the course of their life? Even if the outcome is unknown?
I'm beginning to waver in my choice. It would be so easy now to just turn back and make another decision. To just say, "no, I change my mind." Part of me wants to do that. Part of me wants to be selfish and deny the truth. A shuddering sigh escapes from the back of my throat as I look to my bed. The events of the past month run through my mind. Haunting me again with the decision I have come to make. No, I can't be selfish. It's not fair.
For a brief moment, I recall the time before that, when I knew for sure I was loved. A time when I was involved in a great battle that had my friends and I worn and weary. The time when we finally defeated Naraku in a fierce battle that not only involved my comrades and I, but others whom we'd thought hadn't cared much on such matters. That battle had been long and hard, but we finally succeeded. Naraku, with our powers and skills, had been defeated and the Shikon no Tama was once again whole and resting in the palm of my hand.
I had thought my trials to be over then, but there was one more I had overlooked. The undead miko, Kikyou had joined us in this battle and her chilling voice had called out to Inuyasha as soon as the dust had settled. I felt my heart clench in my chest when she sought him out, embracing him like I had once wished to do.
I had come to know that I loved Inuyasha. I had admitted it to myself, but those words would never reach his ears. I didn't know what he felt for me and I wasn't going to stand in the way of his happiness. Be it with me or with Kikyou. I would always be with him.
Imagine my surprise when she pulled away from his hold and turned to me. Her voice held no malice toward me and a look of enlightenment seemed to grace her pale features. "I can see now, where I was wrong and I can understand more clearly how far you would go to protect each other. Naraku has been defeated; not by the hands of your friends, nor by my own, but of the bond you hold together."
I didn't know what to say to that, but I didn't have to worry because she didn't give me time. Her eyes turned to Inuyasha and she spoke again. "There was a time when I wanted to take you with me to Hell. I had thought you owed it to me for bringing my death. I was grateful for this new life, one which I didn't have to guard my emotions because of my duty. Hatred, rage, betrayal and sorrow consumed me, but my love for you was still there. This time and place is not mine anymore, I've known this, but my jealousy would not let me rest. You made a promise to join me, but I can no longer ask that of you. I know longer claim your heart." Inuyasha had begun to protest her words when she turned to me.
"Take it, Kagome. My soul will be at peace with you. Take it and set me free. I know he's in good hands." She said no more after that, walking toward me. I had peered over her shoulder to see Inuyasha's confused, hurt eyes watching me. I couldn't deny Kikyou's request. We both knew she didn't belong here anymore and even though it tore me apart to cause him pain, I drew the rest of Kikyou's soul back into my body.
Everything had been so quiet and still after that. He hadn't looked, or spoken to me as he gathered Kikyou's remains. The two day trip back to Kaede's had been so full of tension. I showed happiness when I was required. Miroku's kazaana had disappeared and that was cause enough for my smiles. Sango had lost her brother, but not before he remembered her and he was cleansed of his sins. She was sad, but healing and Miroku had promised to take good care of her.
I couldn't take much more of Inuyasha's silence. I wanted to know. If he hated me for taking her away, I wanted to at least hear him say it. As soon as we passed the Goshinboku, I tugged at his sleeve, slowing his pace so that the others were far ahead of us. I could feel his gaze on me and not knowing how to start the conversation, I asked the first question that popped in my head.
"What do you plan to do, Inuyasha, with the jewel now that it's complete? Will you use it to become a full blooded youkai?" I don't know why, but for some reason, I wanted to hear what he had to say. I wanted to know where I stood.
"Does it matter?" He snapped. Maybe I was better off with the silent treatment. I sighed and turned to face the tree. Running my hand over it.
"No, I suppose not. That's your decision." I muttered.
"Damn straight." Though my back was facing him, I could hear him pacing. He had never been good at confrontations. I knew why he was mad and he knew I was pussyfooting around it. We could read each other so easily.
"I'm sorry, Inuyasha. You can use the jewel to bring her back. I..." I turned slowly, facing him.
"Shut up!" I was taken back by that. His angry golden eyes caught mine before I lowered my face. This is where he would tell me he wanted nothing more to do with me.
"She didn't give me a say, do you honestly think I'm going to let you do the same?" I had been confused by that question. I had only proposed that he use the jewel to bring his love back.
"I-Inuyasha, you can use the jewel to bring her back, I don't mind. You can be happy, that's all I want." He was frustrated, I could clearly see that. He brought one of his hands up to rake through his hair and I caught the growl raising in his chest.
"I don't care about the damn jewel! Forget about it! I know what you're thinking and I care about you too much to let you leave me!" It was the closest thing to an 'I love you' that I would expect to get from him at the time. I could tell, even though his eyes were still blazing with anger that I would leave him alone, his cheeks were turning scarlet at that blurted comment. He was embarrassed and though his communication skills were poor, it had been enough to make me blush.
"I didn't know you cared." I whispered this, scuffing my toes into the ground. I glance over to watch him cross his arms over his chest and huff in his usual manner.
"Keh, now you know. What of it?" He was trying to act all tough like it wasn't getting to him that I hadn't said anything and I knew he was waiting for me to say something negative about it. How could I ever find something negative to say about him caring for me?
"I want you to be happy, Inuyasha. That's all I've ever wanted and if that happiness comes from being with Kikyou then..."
"Why can't it come from you?" Now, I can truly say that I was surprised by that. Saying that he cared about me, sure, but saying that he wanted me over Kikyou and I was his happiness was different. My mouth opened and closed for several seconds before he started again.
"If I wished on the jewel to bring Kikyou back, a part of me would be happy, but more of me would... I don't want to lose you, isn't that enough?!" I swear, I never felt so happy hearing him say that and tears immediately sprang to my eyes.
"Shit, Kagome, don't cry." I could see the panic in his eyes. He never did know what to do when I started crying. I'm an emotional person, always have been. I wiped the tears from my eyes, giving him a watery smile. He was waiting for me to use the subduing spell. His shoulders tense, ears twitching, eyes wide and his hands held out in front of him as if he were trying to soothe my wrath or something. I shook my head, wiping the rest of my tears away and walked toward him.
"I'm not going to say it, Inuyasha. I won't say it, I promise. Better yet, let me..." I took hold of the rosary, attempting to bring it up over his head when his hands caught my wrists. My eyes locked on his and I can safely say that I was drowning in them. Yes, I've heard that before too, in a million different romance novels, but it was true. There was something in his eyes that had always held me and that something had change. It had grown stronger and more gentle. Was that love?
"Leave it. I think... I'd feel naked without it." I giggled, remembering the first time I'd used that very statement about my watch. He had practically torn my bag apart trying to find it. At the smirk on his face, he must have remembered too. That look in his eyes turned from playful back into that something look I couldn't quite name and his hands moved down my arms. His face was inches away from mine, slowing moving forward so that I thought he was going to kiss me until his arms came around my waist. Before I knew it, I was engulfed in a tight embrace, his chin resting on my head. I had been confused and disappointed to say the least, but this was Inuyasha after all.
"Promise me you won't leave, Kagome." I sighed, resting my head against his chest, listening to his heart. I didn't have to think about it then. I didn't have to make a decision. My heart told me where I would be a long time ago. I smiled, pulling back to press a hand to his cheek.
"I promise, Inuyasha." It seemed to please him then. Maybe if we had known what was going to happen, things might have been different. Again, the heart is a mysterious thing. I never pondered it then, when he was holding my hand, guiding me back to the village or in the weeks after that when we were relaxing, basking in each other's presence. I am glad I had that at least. We had wonderful memories together. Memories that would still remain in my heart until the day I died.
TBC...
AN: Well, I had intended this to be a one shot, but time and such has gotten to me so, I'll post the rest tomorrow. This weekend's a long weekend so that means no work Friday. I'm hoping to have a chapter for my other two stories. Keep an eye out people! Please, please, review! It does wonders for my self esteem! *smiles*