TITLE: Children of the Fire Country

AUTHOR: Pierrot twixt Columbine

RATING: PG-13. Some references to sexuality. Crude jokes.

GENRE: Humor, parody

WARNINGS: Spoiler for the manga up to 234

They always knew he would come back. The two of them held onto hope long after everyone else had given up on Sasuke, hope that they kept hidden and silent like an intensely perverse desire. It was even stronger than their conviction that he would never leave, perhaps strengthened by the uncertainty of reality and their own desperation. They say it never hurts to hope, but in reality it does. It aches, the phantom pain of an anticipated disappointment. But it hurts more to be hopeless.

They always knew he would come back, but neither of them had dared to hope far enough to imagine how he would come back. Certainly they had not expected an order from Anbu to gather at the village gate and prepare to assist in Uchiha Sasuke's capture.

And certainly they had not expected to see Sasuke come sauntering up to Konoha's gates, scowling and unarmed, while half of the Anbu squad stood waiting with kunai drawn.

Naruto had not expected the change. He had not expected the black leather pants and mesh shirt, the torn fingerless gloves and the kohl eyeliner. He had not expected the hair, expertly gelled and spiked, with a chunk dyed white and strategically arranged to fall over heavily lined eye.

"Oh my god," Naruto whispered breathlessly, "He came back gay!"

The kunoichi next to him pulled the squirrel Anbu mask off of her face and hissed, "He is not. He came back hot."

Kiba snickered at Sakura. "Yeah, well it's kinda hard not to be hot when you're flaming."

Ino sneered at him. "You just admitted Sasuke-kun's hot."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't!"

"We all heard you. Hinata, didn't Kiba just admit Sasuke-kun's hot?"

Hinata blinked and lowered her dark lashes, whispering something under her breath. Her cheeks flushed pink. Next to her, Shino frowned when his kikai transmitted the message to him.

"What does she mean 'I guess miracles do happen?'" he muttered.

"Anyway," Sakura drowned out the other voices. "Sasuke-kun is not gay."

Next to her, beads of sweat were forming on Naruto's forehead. His lips trembled. "But Sakura-chan...the lipstick..."

She glared at him. "I hear it's very trendy nowadays..."

Naruto turned pale. "With guys?"

Sakura pressed her lips into a thin line. "Look. He's—He's just metro, okay?"

Shikamaru sighed. "I can't believe we're wasting my time arguing about this."

"What's there to argue?" Kiba asked. "The biggest flame in Fire Country is standing right in front of us. We could toast a marshmallow on this guy."

Naruto had taken a step forward, but now stood frozen in his tracks. "Sasuke...is that—are you wearing concealer?"

Sasuke shrugged with a practiced air of nonchalance. "I had a blemish."

"Metro," Sakura said through gritted teeth.

Shikamagu sighed again and stepped up to confront Sasuke. "Uchiha. You've got a lot of nerve showing up like this. What business do you have in Konoha?"

Sasuke shrugged again, tossing his hair against the breeze. "I've come back."

"For what purpose?"

"To stay."

"For what reason?"

There was a pause. Sasuke's brows furrowed, his eyes bright and mute as glass. When he spoke his voice was husky. "I couldn't stay with Orochimaru anymore."

"Why?"

"He couldn't understand my infinite nature. He couldn't appreciate the deep abyss of hatred that makes up my miserable soul," Sasuke said. He hesitated, and when he finished his voice was on the edge of breaking. "Also, he tried to make me wear one of those purple waist band thingies. That doesn't go with black. That doesn't go with anything."

Shikamaru heard a moan from behind him. Sakura had sunk to her knees, her hands covering her eyes.

"Oh my god," she sobbed. "I can't believe he came back gay."

TBC

Author's notes: Okay, you should know that when I leave a fic unfinished and TBC, it usually means that it will probably stay unfinished and never be continued. I am a horrible, lazy person who would rather sleep than...do anything else. So the bottom line: I'm sorry if I don't update in forever and a day. But I'll try.

Also, you might be wondering what the hell compelled me to write this kind of crack. Well, I've always had a thing for torturing the angsty boys. The only difference in torturing Neji and torturing Sasuke is that I actually like Neji. But really, you have to admit that Sasuke deserves this one.