"What the hell do you think he's up to?" Tsunade refilled her sake cup and looked over the table at Jiraiya.

"Isn't it obvious? This is obviously a devious plan to infiltrate Konoha and learn our weak points."

The Godaime frowned. She picked up the sake cup and held it hovering beneath her lips. She shook her head and put the cup back down. "That would certainly make the most sense, but why would they devise such a stupid plan?"

Jiraiya folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. "Maaaybe they thought that we would think that a plan like this is just so stupid that they would never use it. And then they move in for the kill."

Tsunade pondered the theory for a moment. "Do they really think we're that stupid? And besides, that still doesn't explain how Uchiha is gay now."

"He's not gay. He's just pretending to be to throw us all off track."

Tsunade raised a pencil-thin brow. "Have you seen the kid?"

"Listen. You know just as well as I do how tricky Orochimaru and his minions are. Remember Kabuto and how he had us fooled? Uchiha lying isn't exactly far-fetched when you consider how long he's been with Orochimaru."

"Trust me," Tsunade said with a smirk. "He's gay."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I took off my top in front of him and he didn't even flinch."

There was a long pause after that, during which Jiraiya leaned back further in his chair and closed his eyes, presumably to fully appreciate the brilliance of the Godaime's acid test.

When he opened his eyes again, Jiraiya said in a low voice. "Like I said. The Sound nins are skilled at lying."

The killing intent that suddenly filled the air was unbearable. The noise of the bustling village ceased immediately, awed by the heavy atmosphere. For that brief moment, not one child in Konoha dared to make a sound.

"What are you trying to say, Jiraiya?" Tsunade's voice was cold.

"I'm just saying that there's no such thing as a fool-proof plan. Your plan sounds like a good one, but the Uchiha kid could just be very good at lying."

"Careful..."

"Listen," Jiraiya went on quickly, "I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying that you can't be 100 sure unless you put your test to the test."

Tsunade blinked. "And how would I do that?"

"Well you know I'm straight. Take off your top in front of me."

"Why is he here?" Neji demanded, pointing to Sasuke, who was rummaging through the boy's closet and clucking his tongue in a disapproving manner. "And more importantly, why is he wearing eyeliner? Only Gaara wears eyeliner and that's only excusable because he's batshit crazy."

Shikamaru sighed and leaned against the doorjamb of Neji's room—well, Neji's and Sasuke's room now. Leave it to Uchiha to mess everything up. Ever since he came back, life had become harder for Shikamaru. He sighed more often—breathing normally was becoming troublesome.

"I know you don't like it, but there's nowhere else to put him. He can't be trusted, so the best place to put him would be here in the Anbu compound. That way we're here to watch him if he gets up to something. You know…keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Neji scowled. "But why me? Why don't you room him with Naruto or somebody? I'm not good with people. I don't do the whole roommate thing. I'm more of the lone wolf type."

Neji was interrupted by Lee, who poked his head into the room and gave Neji a big sparkling grin. "Neji, Gai-sensei wanted to know if you're still planning on bringing the chicken salad to our team picnic tomorrow."

Shikamaru raised a brow. Neji's lip quivered. "This is different. Our team picnics are special. Don't judge me."

Shikamaru shrugged. "Whatever dude. I play chess with Asuma."

"That's right!" Neji cried fervently, jabbing a finger in Shikamaru's direction. "And everyone will hear about it if this gets out."

"Dude, everyone already knows."

"Well…well just don't talk about it."

Another shrug. "Whatever. Full sentences. Too much work."

"So that's a yes on the chicken salad?" Lee asked.

Neji nodded, "Affirmative. And for the last time Lee, it's more than chicken salad. It's Neji's chicken extravaganza."

Sasuke snorted from his spot by the window. Neji turned to him with an icy glare. "You got something to say, Uchiha?"

Sasuke fiddled with the curtains. "Nothing. Just that it's no fun for me to have to live here either. I mean there's a difference between Spartan and craphole and this place has missed the Spartan train."

"You've got a lot of nerve to barge in here and insult my—hey! Hey, don't touch that! Shikamaru, he's moving my furniture. Why is he moving my furniture?"

"God, the feng shui in this room is terrible," Sasuke muttered.

"He's doing it because the feng shui in your room is terrible," Shikamaru said solemnly.

"No! Absolutely not," Neji cried. "Get him out of here this instant. Make someone else room with him. Why me?"

"Godaime said so," said Shikamaru.

"Fine," Neji said through gritted teeth. "Then I'll talk to the Godaime myself and have her fix it."

When he arrived at the Godaime's office, he was informed that the Godaime was busy with paperwork and could not see him at the moment. Neji knew exactly what that meant, so he waited another half hour for the Godaime to sober up enough to speak in coherent sentences before going into the office.

"Well, Neji-kun, the reason why I chose you to be Sasuke's roommate is simple. You two are the best pairing, no matter how you look at it. You have the Byakugan, which will come in very handy in this situation. Plus, your personalities guarantee that you'll get tangled up in some interesting positions."

"I see," Neji said quietly. He had gained a newfound respect for the Godaime. Before, he had thought she was nothing more than a drunk floozy who'd only gotten the job out of good luck. But now he realized that the Godaime was an unrivaled strategist. She had roomed him with Sasuke so that he could use his Byakugan to observe the boy and detect any suspicious activity. If Sasuke's change was just a guise then surely Neji with his Byakugan and attention to detail would notice. At last, his genius had been recognized by the Godaime herself.

"Listen Neji," the Godaime said as she motioned for him to come closer. "I'm going to tell you the secret strategy I've devised for you while you're rooming with Uchiha."

Neji inched closer, tense and expectant. Tsunade looked grim. "You must promise to remember this and take my words to heart."

"I promise," Neji breathed.

"No means yes. Yes means Ung, harder!"

Neji jerked back, his jaw muscles tense. Without a word, he got up and walked to the door.

"Wait!" Tsunade cried. "I still haven't told you about 'uwahh!' and 'Nnnn!' yet. How will you know what to do?"

Neji let the door slam on his way out.

TBC

Edited: For some reason, the markings I used to separate scenes didn't format on FFnet's server, so I'm sorry for those who read this and got totally confused by the lack of transition space. Also, thanks to those who commented. I know I'm not very good at updating often, but thanks for being patient with me.