BIG NOTE: If you've never heard the original 12 Pains of Christmas before, I strongly suggest you head over tolightoflove(dot)net(slash)12PainsOfCmas(dot)htm beforeyou read this fic. It's a guaranted belly-laugh. Even better, listen to the song WHILE you read this.
Scene: A snowed-in suburban house with an overhang. Ed stands at the top of a chimney, Edd's slumped over on the bottom porch step, Edd's ant farm sits a the top step, Plank sits at a table under the overhang, Eddy stands on a ladder and is attempting to put up the lights. All other characters of the show stand at various spots in the snow.
Ed: Ooh! Me first! Me first! ::sings:: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me, is finding a Christmas tree! The second thing at Christmas, that's such a pain to me.....
Eddy: Rigging up the lights.
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Edd: ::cradling a beer mug:: Hangovers....
Eddy: ::fustrated:: Rigging up the lights.
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Plank: ::amidst a stack of paper:: ........ (Sending Christmas cards.)
Edd: ::rolling his eyes:: Hangovers....
Eddy: ::even more fustrated:: Rigging up the lights.
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (Sending Christmas cards.)
Edd: ::falls backwards:: Hangovers....
Eddy: ::through his teeth:: Rigging up the lights.
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Naz: Facing my in-laws!
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!)
Edd: Hangovers.....
Eddy: Rigging up these lights!
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Kevin: ::spots a Salvation Army Santa across the street:: Salvation Army.
Naz: Facing my in-laws!
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (Sending Christmas cards!)
Edd: ::overturns his empty beer mug:: Oh geez.
Eddy: I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Jimmy: I wanna Transformer for Christmas!
Kevin: ::sneering:: Charities, and what do you mean your in-laws? You don't have in-laws!!
Naz :::shrugs nervously::
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (Ughh, makin' out these cards.)
Edd: ::to his ants:: Uh, get me a beer, will ya?
Eddy: What, we have no extension cords?!
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Rolf: ::in his wagon in the street:: Finding parking spaces.
Jimmy: Sara, I want some candy!
Kevin: Donations!
Naz :::near tears:: Facing my in-laws!
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (Writing out those Christmas cards.)
Edd: ::distressed about not getting another beer:: Hangovers.
Eddy: NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?!
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Sara: ::turning over a Megatron transformer:: Batteries not included?
Rolf: No parking spaces.
Jimmy: Buy me something!
Kevin: ::to the Santa:: Get a job, you bum!
Naz :Facing the in-laws!
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (Yo ho! Sending Christmas cards.)
Edd: ::spots a growing wet spot in his pants:: Aw geez, look at this.
Eddy: ....ONE LIGHT GOES OUT, THEY ALL GO OUT!!
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Jonny: ::holding a portable T.V.:: Stale T.V. specials.
Sara: Batteries not included?! ::throws the Megatron toy::
Rolf: No parking spaces.
Jimmy: Sara, I gotta go to bathroom!
Kevin: ::sneering:: Charities!
Naz :She's a witch, I hate her!
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (Oh, I don't even know half these people!)
Edd: ::slowly getting to his feet:: Ah, who's got the toliet paper?
Eddy: GET A FLASHLIGHT, I BLEW A FUSE!!
Ed: And finding a Christmas tree! The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me.....
Kankers: Singing Christmas carols.
Jonny: Stale T.V. specials.
Sara: Batteries not included.
Rolf: No parking!
Jimmy: WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Kevin: Charities.
Naz :Gotta make 'em dinner!
Edd's ants: Five months of bills!
Plank: ........ (I'm not sending 'em this year, that's it!) ::papers fly everywhere::
Edd: ::turns his head towards Plank and Eddy:: .........Shut up, you!
Eddy: FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!
::pulls all the lights down, but loosens the snow on the roof. Cue the avalanche::
Ed: And finding a Christmas treeeeeeeee!!
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