A/N: I gave myself a stitch writing this!
JUST A LITTLE LAUGH
"Oh come on Harry! It'll be a laugh! The old bat Trelawney won't be here for a while too so I say we make use of our time." Ron elbowed Harry whispering softly.
They were in the North Tower waiting for Divination to start but their professor was absent.
"Yea Harry. I heard Trelawney's passed out on sherry down in the kitchens again." Seamus and Dean shared a smirk.
"I dunno…I don't really want to be writing down stuff like…"
"It's not like anyone'll ever see this stuff but us! It's a fun game too…who knows it'll even lighten the tension when it comes to the greasy old bat." Ron wheedled.
Harry snorted. He doubted that…sometimes he wished Hermione hadn't dumped this class. She wouldn't even have left this got to the point it was at now.
"Look Harry we'll even all go before you." Seamus took a piece of parchment and started to rip it into fair sizes for a few inches of words. "We'll each take one and write something we think Professor Snape would say to us. We'll call this game…His Best Insults!" Seamus sniggered.
Ron grabbed his piece and started to scribble quickly with his quill. "Okay." He bit on the tip of his tongue as he added his finally touches. "Mr. Weasley! You overbearing simpleton! Can you listen or are your ears just large for exhibition?"
Ron continued urged by the sniggers and outright laughter bursting out around Trelawney's perfume fogged room. Ron got braver and added trying to imitate Snape. "Did I not say to add the beetle eyes after stirring for ten minutes exactly? Are you so incompetent you cannot understand that simple instruction?! Is your brain the size of one of these beetles incoherent one? Do you require an earwax cleaning spell?!"
Harry doubled over laughing as Seamus leaned into his shoulder gasping breathlessly for air. Lavender and Parvati were suddenly over and interested in the game and soon the room was ringing with laughter as everyone made up 'Snape-ish insults' for themselves.
Harry had just finished his fifth and finest when the trapdoor to the room flew up and a glistening head appeared followed by a sallow face and hooked nose feared by students from years one to seven.
With a look around of displeasure and extreme disgust Professor Snape pulled himself into the room.
"I'm here to oversee your class."
Everyone had stopped in perpetual shock and disbelief and when they finally unfroze to panic it was too late.
"What are the group of you…enterprising…students up to over here?" The black robed figure of their professor swooped upon them and everyone at the three pushed together tables cringed. Sharp eyes spotted the pile of slips of parchment on the table and before Harry could even squeak his newest creation was taken.
"What is this hmm? Playing a game of some sort?" Snape sneered around the table before turning his eyes to the paper in his hand. The only sign he was reading was his eyebrows arching skyward sharply as his eyes reached the bottom of the parchment and moved upward again.
"Mr. Potter…you are a presumptuous, self-absorbed, overindulged whippersnapper…" Snape's silky voice paused as he looked over the parchment at Harry's reddening face, eyebrow arched, and the stunned ones of his classmates. "With the intelligence of a horsefly and the wisdom of a pea. You are a brat ruled by his urges and temper and this is what makes you an…insolent, obnoxious, overbearing ignoramus." Snape smirked. "Oh too true." Snape moved from where Harry felt he was safely lodged, standing behind Dean, to the side of the table where Harry was before stopping beside him.
'Oh God no!' Harry stiffened as Snape stopped just behind him and to the side. 'If he reads the next part out loud I'll die…'
"However…hmm I supposed you stopped telling the truth about yourself to sing some praises in here too?" Snape leered, his mouth quirking eerily. "This is when you are not being a debauched…" The amused looked faded and his classmates gasped as Harry's head fell onto his table with a THUNK.
"Debauched…lascivious…wanton…lustful…whore." The pause between each word was like an eternity for Harry and by now he was sure his face could rival the reddest radish. He was sure though he had heard a muffled snigger from one of his classmates. He was glad someone was laughing having fun! 'Feel the sarcasm rolling off that statement like ice cream off a cone in an oven.'
Snape's voice, taunting in its tone pulled Harry back to reality. "You are immoral, obscene and wicked which just makes you all the more…enticing…" Snape's face shivered strangely as he tried to get the word out. "And sensually alluring."
Seamus couldn't hold back anymore and a snort of laughter escaped, before it was muffled by his robe being stuffed into his mouth, as he buried his face into the table like Harry. Snape passed a glance over him before turning back to the parchment.
"You are a fool, a dolt, a simpleton and so utterly seductive…" A snort of disgust issued from Snape as he read on silently. Dean and a few others had joined Seamus in muffling their mirth while Ron was still watching Snape open mouthed and gaping soundlessly. Harry raised his head hopefully as he heard the torturous voice stop but Snape seemed to sense his relief and looked up quickly with a sneer before continuing. "That I would like nothing more than to debase you to the lowest of low. Where you are nothing but a salacious and lewd imbecile this…interfering miserable codger…"
Anyone left in the class not already broken down with stitches silently over their table burst out in uncontrollable laughter.
Snape paused and raised his voice slightly to finish. "This interfering miserable codger would like to make you his depraved, risqué slut. And to those who have a problem with our loving innocent relationship…they can kiss my flaming arse."
Snape trailed off on the last word and put the paper back on the pile on the table before standing and heading to the trapdoor of the tower. Harry was humiliated beyond contemplation as he stared into Ron's glazed over eyes and the room echoing with dying laughter.
He heard a low cough and turned to his professor. "And Mr. Potter? Detention at eight tonight. I'll try my best not to fall to your…utter seduction. But I don't quite think Professor Dumbeldore feels for you what you feel for him. Calling him a miserable codger won't help that's for sure…" Snape disappeared down the stairs with one last snort.
"Well…at least he didn't read mine where I called him a greasy off-his-rocker wretched flaming twat?"
Harry gave Ron a disbelieving look before grabbing his bag with the rest of the class and exiting the room ignoring the now pile of ashes on the table. 'More like thank Merlin he didn't know the name of the game was SNAPE'S best insults.'