Equally cursed and blessed Chapter 3: Insomnia, a harry potter fanfic

This took me forever to get out, I really don't know what was going on with this chapter. As a result I'm so-so with it, but other than that..not much else is happening! I promise the next chapter will make up for that.

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Warning: Um...some angst I guess. I'm not so sure if I'm really that good at writing it...but there you go. Other than that, warnings for the usual.

Thanks to all the kind people who reviewed so far. You keep my writing ;)

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This life is never fair,

The angels that you need are never there,

But sometimes he comes to me,

In the dead of winter, dead of night,

He's all that I can see...

'Hold onto me'- Courtney Love

Equally cursed and blessed- Part 3.

The walk back to Gryffindor tower was quite uneventful for Sirius. The tears which had been threatening to fall while he was at the shack had fallen shortly after he passed the whomping willow. This along with the ever-present rain obscured his vision. His tears were as hot and sharp as he knew they would be, and he brought his hand up to mercilessly wipe them from his cheeks. He could already feel the heavy headache coming on because of it. At least it would keep him from thinking about what had just happened, for a few minutes at least. Not to mention what he had seen. And that reminded him, Remus would want an explanation for that kiss when he eventually came back from the hospital wing.

You've royally screwed this one up Black. Said that annoying little voice in his head that sounded strangely like James Potter. What will you tell him? It was out of pity? Or that you just can't contain your urges? Or was it 'cause you love him? Sirius froze at that, outside the Fat Lady's painting. That seemed a good enough answer, strange as it might be, although he had a hard time admitting it to himself. He had tiptoed around that word earlier, and it was always because of Remus.

Seeing Remus as he had only reinforced what he felt, and he wasn't even sure what it was he was feeling, up until now. He'd never been in love before, so he couldn't compare this to any other feelings he'd had before. Maybe it was a crush? Nope, he'd had hundreds of them while being at Hogwarts, he always seemed to have one in fact. But they had never felt like this before. Sirius shivered, knowing he couldn't possibly tell the other boy the truth, should he ask. And he knew the lame excuse of 'I wasn't thinking' would not fare well with a certain Mr. Lupin. That boy knew a lie when he heard it, and he also knew Sirius Black better than he knew himself.

"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." Sirius murmured to himself. He was startled from his thoughts by the Fat Lady. "What? Who said that?" she asked the seemingly deserted corridor. It then occurred to Sirius that that he was still standing in front of her in the invisibility cloak. He hastily removed it then, leaving his hair in disarray, and the Fat Lady gave a sigh of relief and fanned herself melodramatically. "Oh, Mr. Black it was you...where have you been at this hour?" she asked suspiciously to which Sirius simply said "Doesn't matter." She nodded, half expecting a sullen reply like that. "Does it have anything to do with your friend? Lupin, wasn't it?" she inquired. "How'd you guess?" Sirius asked a bit too quickly, surprised at her guess.

"He hasn't returned to the dormitory since he left last night. Quite unusual behavior if you ask me. Also...your eyes seem quite bloodshot, dear. Have you been crying?" Sirius looked away and subconsciously rubbed at his eyes again. He wanted nothing more than to lie down and will his headache away. What is this? Am I getting a pep talk from a portrait? He almost giggled despite himself, and instead brought his dark gaze back to the portrait again, she was talking again. "Your really do care about that boy don't you? I've seen many things, and I know this, even if you don't know yourself." Why lie? "Of course I care about him. He's one of my best friends." Sirius replied, clearly seeing what she was getting at. She raised her eyebrows at him incredulously and what she said next wasn't what Sirius had been expecting. "If you have something to tell the boy, tell him, if you don't, you might regret it. Okay...how does she know so much? She's been around for a while, I guess. "I'll keep it in mind." He said aloud. "Look, I'm really tired-". She smiled down at him.

"Of course, of course. What's the password?"

"Boiling butterbeer."

"Right you are dear." She replied happily as the portrait swung inwards.

Getting advice on your love life from a talking portrait...how often did that happen? I must be dreaming...But despite his initial reaction, he did take her words into consideration. Well, who else could he talk to? James? Haha, that was a laugh! Compared to angsting over the situation, telling Remus did seem like a better option. And Remus hadn't seemed very disgusted in the shrieking shack, had he? That was a good sign. He was probably just too shocked to react, the cynical James-in-his-head replied. And do you really want to ruin a perfectly good friendship? "Shut up!!" Sirius whispered to the empty common room.

He stopped by the sofa in front of the now dead fire, and wondered whether he should just wait down there until everyone else got up in a couple of hours. However, he remembered the invisibility cloak under his arm and decided his dark little bed was more inviting than the cold common room. He restlessly made his way up the steps, two at a time up to the dorm, knowing full well that he wouldn't be getting anymore sleep.

The dorm was surprisingly bright despite the rain. The low clouds bathed the room in a pale gray light and Sirius wished at that moment that he wasn't the only one awake. James and Peter lay silently in their beds, Peter with his curtains drawn, and James asleep on his side, his arm hanging gracelessly over the side of the bed. Sirius quietly made his way to James' side and replaced the invisibility cloak.

It felts as though it had been days since Sirius last slept in his bed, though it was little over an hours ago since he left the dorm. So he fell onto his disheveled bed, pillow askew and covers practically hanging off the bed. He lay there fully clothed, having seen no point in getting changed again if he was only going to be dragged up again in a couple of hours. He stared at James, lying there, happily dreaming away. And was that a smile touching his lips? Sirius gritted his teeth. Git. He's doing this on purpose. Nobody ever looks that happy asleep! He rolled over and covered his eyes with his dark hair. When his eyes refused to shut by themselves, he pressed his palms to his eyes. He was so tired, he felt like the living dead. The pale gray color of the room seeped in though his eyelids. He suppressed a scream of frustration and buried his face in the pillow.

His mind was working in overdrive, and his body was crying out for rest, his bed had never felt so uncomfortable. He'd much preferred to lie down on the cold floor of the shrieking shack next to Remus. Remus. The guilt of leaving him there was upon him again, eating away relentlessly. He thought of the werewolf, as he'd seen him, lying in the dirt, as pale as a porcelain doll. For the second time that day, he shouldn't have listened to Remus, who was always right, he should have stayed. How happy would he have been to stay? And who cared if Madam Pomfrey found out? He would have gladly suffered detention, or anything else they'd have thrown at him, just to keep Remus from being left alone. From feeling like some unwanted, unloved thing. Because he was neither of them things, Sirius knew this quite surely now.

He felt his eyes tearing up again, the pillow beneath his cheek was wet, and he shivered. Oh not again, pull yourself together! And yet the guilt remained. He could have put his arms around the too thin shoulders, to keep his friend from feeling the cold he was surely feeling now. If he ran his fingers through the stiff brown hair again, would Remus have leant into the touch like he did last time? He would have kissed his pale forehead again, because when he did that he noticed the flicker of gold, which had occurred in his friend's eyes. Sirius could have been looking down at someone else in that moment. He would have kissed his poor dirty cheeks as well, regardless of the blood, and the deep gash that Remus had predicted would scar, just to keep his friend from looking so rejected. Only a handful of people knew what Remus suffered and why, and where were they now?

Remus was loved more than he could ever now, but none of that could happen now. But Sirius could tell Remus the truth, like the Fat Lady had suggested.

How am I meant to survive this? Sirius thought helplessly He had no answer. Instead, he lay motionless and waited for the rest of Gryffindor tower to awaken. His own personal Hell had never been so dark.

Remus was awake as well. Needless to say, he rarely found it easy to sleep after the full moon, despite his exhaustion. Sometimes, if he were lucky he'd fall unconscious after the transformation and would stay that away until Madam Pomfrey came for him. Today, Sirius had appeared instead. Lupin knew that the wolf would have howled with joy, had he been able to. It had been something of a surprise to both of them, and Remus would have reached out to embrace his friend if he had been in better shape. He could almost feel the wolf pushing forward to try and escape his own body, which is why his heart nearly stopped when Sirius kissed him. How he had wanted to return it. It was also why the hand that Sirius had gently held was now clenched tightly, despite the pain. Had there been tears in Sirius' eyes? It broke Remus' heart just to think about it.

The wolf was proving very difficult to contain, if he hadn't sent Sirius away, he could have very easily said or done something he would regret very quickly. Despite what he and the wolf felt, it was likely that the wolf's 'mate' didn't return the feelings. That too chaste kiss could have been nothing, as much as it hurt to admit. And if that was the case, he was expecting an endless amount of bloody, painful full moons ahead of him.

The warmth he had felt when Sirius had touched him had long dissipated, and as much as he had desperately clung to the warmth he was now left feeling cold and empty. Like an immobile bird, grounded with a broken wing. You will tell him. Tell him he is our mate. He has to know. The wolf whispered in a commanding voice. It was little more than an echo in the back of his mind now. Remus, too tired to argue with the half imagined voice simply let the wolf take his silence for an agreement. Remus wondered how much of a difference there was between loving someone and being someone's mate, he also wondered who truly had noticed Sirius first, he or the wolf, as he shut his eyes with a sigh.