Here it is. The final part(gasp!) if you've come this far then I really must thank you!
Disclaimer: Checks nope still not mine.
Warnings: Angst, slashy-ness(yay! But only a little bit) and stuff.
Other than that…enjoy ;)
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Equally cursed and blessed- Part 4
Sirius watched the faint light spill from outside and make its way slowly across the walls of the dorm, through a half-opened curtain. His eyes were red, his head buzzed and his thoughts were a jumbled mess.
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, James was the first to wake up. He stuck his head out of his covers, hair more disheveled than normal, eyes still half closed due to sleep. He blinked when he finally noticed Sirius sitting at the end of his bed, staring at him. He put his hand out, which fumbled blindly at his bedside table until it came into contact with his glasses. His other hand rubbed absently at his eyes, then he put his glasses on. But he frowned when he looked at Sirius again as though he had expected him not to be there.
"What's wrong?" he asked simply. What's wrong? Well, a lot of things right now, thanks very much. Sirius pushed his conflicting thoughts aside and through clenched teeth told a blatant lie: "Nothings wrong. What makes you say that?" James smiled and raised his eyebrows.
"Because you're up before the rest of us. And that never happens. Oh, and you look like death warmed up." He added casually. Sirius nodded.
"Thanks Jamie." James beamed at him and ran a hand through the back of his hair. He bound happily to the end of his bed so he was sitting exactly opposite Sirius. Only James Potter could be this happy first thing in the morning. Sirius sighed at the thought.
The happiness was fading quickly from James' face as he quickly took in his friend's disheveled appearance. His hair was a mess sticking out at all angles, so it rivaled even James'. His eyes were glassy as though he had been crying or had had no sleep. His face was even paler than usual.
"God Siri, you really look a fright. Gonna tell me what's wrong?" James asked quietly. "And don't tell me its nothing" he added as an afterthought.
Sirius looked cautiously over James shoulder at Peter's sleeping form. When he was satisfied peter was really asleep and not feigning it for whatever reason, he looked back at James. Living in a household like the Black household will make you nervous about that kind of thing. He knew he couldn't tell James everything, he was still confused himself. And right now, the thought of James' reaction to his feelings towards Remus terrified him. He wouldn't hate him, couldn't hate him, could he? They were brothers in every way except blood. And it was for this very reason that he couldn't lie to James, he just couldn't tell him everything right now. So he begun, only looking up occasionally at James to gage a reaction.
"I went to see Remus." James shifted. "Really? What, last night?" Sirius shook his head. "No. This morning, after his changed. I guess I must have just wanted to make sure he was okay, since we weren't there last night."
"And was he?"
"No."
"Merlin, Sirius, you should have told me, I would have gone with you. Hang on a sec…how did you get out? Filch would have seen you, or someone…" Sirius looked up then and smiled rather sheepishly. " I borrowed your cloak. Sorry." James's eyes widened and he looked instinctively at the chest at the end of his bed where the cloak was hidden. His gaze shot back to Sirius and he fairly shouted; "What! And you didn't even ask!"
Sirius pointed over at peter and whispered "Shut up! You'll wake Pete. And how could I ask you? You were asleep-you would have killed me for waking you up! Don't tell me you wouldn't" James' brow creased as he took this into consideration.
"Ok. You have a point. So Remus, is he ok?" Sirius ran a hand through his messy hair. What would be considered ok? "Well, he's alive if that's what you mean. He's…he's worse than he normally is. Remember how he looked before we learned how to become animagi?"
Of course James remembered, how could he forget? He remembered how Remus came back after a full moon while they had been learning the animagus spell, looking literally like he had been dragged through hell and back-how James would have given anything to help Remus then.
"I knew we should have gone with him" James stated presently. "What made him think last night would be any different?" Sirius shook his head.
"I don't know. It's just…seeing him like that, it made me feel so bad for leaving him, you know? To let him do that to himself" James looked troubled by this. Nobody was to blame, but to him, it seemed that Sirius had to taken it all upon himself. Eventually he said gently "Hey, don't you dare blame yourself. If you're guilty, then we all are. And your so much better than us, you went out to him. You must really care." Sirius gingerly rubbed at his eyes.
"I do. More than anything."
Luckily for Sirius, Peter chose this particular moment to intervene. In a flurry of blankets and even more mussed hair the conversation was over. When Peter saw James and Sirius sitting at the ends of their respective beds he broke into a smile.
"Hello you two! What are you still doing here? Would have thought you'd gone down to breakfast already or…were you waiting for me?" he asked hopefully.
"Uh…yeah. We were waiting for you Pete. Gimme a minute while I go and change" James said hastily and smiled when he noticed Sirius' bemused look. Once they were alone, Sirius flopped down onto his bed, truly exhausted.
"Sleep ok, Sirius?" Peter inquired.
"Like the dead" Sirius replied.
At breakfast, Sirius' mood did not lighten as Peter had begun to notice. As the three friends made their way into the great hall Severus Snape and another equally greasy looking Slytherin were on their way out. As they came closer Snape eyed the disheveled Sirius and opened his mouth to comment when Sirius beat him to it with a fierce "Shut it".
Severus raised an eyebrow but didn't look very surprised by this outburst.
"What's wrong with Sirius, James? He seems more angry than usual." Pete whispered to James behind Sirius.
"Nothing" James replied simply. Then, "I'll tell you later." They sat down at the end of Gryffindor table, Sirius and James next to each other, as usual and Peter sitting opposite them, looking nervously at Sirius and back at James. Breakfast proceeded in uncomfortable silence. James alternated between sneaking worried looks at the boy next to him and looking around desperately for Lily Evans.
Sirius quickly became bored with knocking around the singular piece of toast on his plate, not to mention staring at the empty space next to Peter. It was a relief to James and Peter when he mumbled "I'm not feeling too good. I'm going back to the common room." He looked to James for understanding, James nodded.
"Okay. See you there then" Sirius managed a quick smile and nodded to James and Peter before making his escape.
Sirius stood in the relative quiet of the corridor to compose himself. He rubbed him palms against his burning eyes. Thank God he thought, Those silences were stifling. After taking a deep breath he turned left and made his way down the corridor, even though the common room was to the right. He would visit the hospital wing first.
He'd never liked the hospital wing. Naturally. Ever since he had made his first visit, in the first year after falling off his broom and injuring his leg, he'd always made every attempt to avoid the place. Needless to say, he didn't make the Quidditch team. He left that to James. Unfortunately for Sirius, making friends with a particular werewolf meant his visited the hospital wing at least once every month. Not that he really minded it, nor would he blame Remus for that.
He made his way through the doors and his senses were invaded immediately by the smells of sickness and assorted potions, making his headache even worse. Madam Pomfrey was making her way towards him.
"Mr. Black" was all she said. Sirius didn't know if this was a greeting or not, so he didn't reply. "I do hope it's nothing too severe" she remarked. Obviously she was misunderstanding his reasons for being there.
"No, it's not me Madam Pomfrey. Um..is Remus Lupin here?" she didn't seem very surprised at this question.
"yes" she said quickly but not unkindly.
"Can I see him?"
"No, he asleep right now, I'd prefer it if he wasn't woken." Sirius sighed, defeated.
"Fine. When he wakes up, will you tell him I came to see him?"
Madam Pomfrey smiled a surprisingly sunny smile. "Of course I will Mr. Black." He took some comfort in this."Thanks."
Poor Lupin. The boy's affliction is terrible. Poppy Pomfrey wouldn't wish lycanthropy on anyone. And what made that poor innocent boy deserving of such a curse? She was quite certain his friend's knew as well, but they seemed to care for him immensely, so she would keep it to herself. And despite their uncommon ability to create havoc wherever they went, Sirius Black and James Potter were fiercely protective of Lupin. Especially Black. For all his misfortune, she was pleased Lupin had such good friends.
The common room was practically deserted, since everyone was down at breakfast. Sirius sat staring into the fire, and today seemed to be a re-run of exactly what happened yesterday, lots of sitting around doing nothing because of the rain. His mind drifted to the hospital wing. All he had to do was wait.
"Lo' Siri" James' broke Sirius' reverie. He was standing in the portrait hole, a worried but curious Peter standing behind him.
"Hi" he replied solemnly. James proceeded to make his way to the sofa while Peter took up his favourite place next to the fire, before grabbing a magazine someone had left there the night before. As Sirius dimly observed this, James said "So, did you see Remus?"
"How did you know?" Sirius asked, not being able to keep the surprise out of his voice.
"Ah! I know you better than you know yourself Black" James chimed. "So did you?"
"No." Sirius replied. "Pomfrey said he was asleep. Didn't want him woken up apparently, as if I would!"
"You would", James stated with all the care of a good friend. "So is this why your in such a bad mood? And why you nearly bit Snape's head off?" Sirius smiled darkly at that memory.
"Yep, I suppose it is. And as for Snivellus, I would have bitten his head off anyway." This was the Sirius James knew. He patted his friend on the shoulder like a proud brother.
"Right you are Padfoot" From his place on the floor Peter smiled.
Slowly the students began to come back from breakfast, making their ways to their normal spots around the room or up in the dorms, everytime the portrait swung open, Sirius' head would shoot up, but it was never Remus. Always just another anonymous Gryffindor. And so Sirius would turn back to his current job: staring into the fire. I wonder if staring this long into the fire will do me any permanent damage?
Today promised to be even worse than yesterday. James' highlight of the day had been his only glimpse of Lily. He had managed a quite overexcited "There she is!!" as she made her way though the common room with a friend. Unfortunately for him, she had simply laughed at his attempt to get her to sit with him.
"Not in a million years Potter" had been her searing reply. Her brunette friend had giggled at her disdainful look, and they made their way to the girl's dormitory. When James turned to Sirius, his pale face had been a bright shade of red thanks to the not so subtle brush off.
"She likes me really. She'll realise soon."
"Keep telling yourself that."
At around 4 o'clock a boy stepped through the portrait hole, hardly anyone noticing him because of the shadows he wrapped himself in. his face was pale, paler than normal, and a plaster lay across his cheek. The jumper he wore looked ten times too big for him and the arms were too long, so he bunched them in his hands. But this was necessary because they covered his scars. Only Sirius noticed him, and stopped noticing everything else. His heart ached at the image before him, this boy was everything. James followed Sirius' stare and broke into a smile.
"Moony! Your back!" Remus placed a shaky hand against the wall for balance and gave a pained smile.
At this James and Sirius were on their feet immediately, rushing forward to steady the uneasy newcomer. As they did Sirius took in the wreck on a boy before him. Remus certainly did not look as bad as he had in the shack, but still, to see him now as he was, under proper light and such conditions was still startling. It had been quite a while ago since they had been accustomed to seeing Remus like this. Since their completion of the animagus spell they had prevented their friend from inflicting this much upon himself. Sirius was immediately transported back to previous years when the three other Marauders would wait anxiously for their friend to return after a night alone in the shack. The unbearable waiting would conjure images of what Remus could have done to himself in their absence. And here it was again.
Thankfully, Remus had been cleaned up, free from dirt and dried blood. This however only seemed to accentuate his almost preternatural pallor as well as the heavy bags under his eyes which accompanied it. Along with his unusually pale lips and hair in disarray he looked, quite literally, like the living dead. His heavy jumper hung from his too-frail shoulders and hung uselessly over his bandaged hands. He never wore the jumper otherwise, but it did serve to conceal his newly acquired cuts and bruises.
Presently, he mumbled a shaky "Hi guys." Peter looked up then at the new voice, having been very close to falling asleep again.
"Oh Remus, your back."He said when he noticed Remus. "How do you feel?"
"That's got to be the most stupid thing you've ever asked" James said sharply as he put his arm out to steady the other boy. Seeming to ignore James' tone, Remus smiled at the smaller boy.
"I'm feeling okay, thanks Peter." Peter, feeling some kind of acceptance through this exchange stood up then, wanting to help as well.
"To the dorm?" Sirius inquired to James and Remus. "You look knackered," he added. Remus smiled at him, and it added a tiny bit of colour to his pale cheeks. "Yes, and thanks". As the three made their way towards the dorm, earning a few funny looks from their fellow Gryffindors, James turned back to Peter.
"Don't worry Pete, stay here. It doesn't take three of us to take him to the dorm, we'll be back in a sec." Peter smiled in reply but it didn't touch his eyes.
James stopped at the door to the dormitory after Sirius assured him he could handle the rest himself. Remus turned around and smiled again at him.
"Thanks for the help James. Really."
"Not a prob. Just get lots of sleep, Rem. Okay?" Remus nodded and at that James had vanished from the doorway.
The short walk to Remus' immaculately made bed was made excruciatingly painful for Sirius, for he was a bit too aware of the almost too tight grip Remus' cold uninjured hand had on his own. He squeezed it reassuringly, to try and warm it a little and to tell himself that, yep, they were touching. Other than that all else Sirius was aware of was the too loud heartbeat which seemed deafening to his own eyes. Absently he wondered if it was so loud that Remus could hear it, then decided that being a werewolf he probably could. Oh Merlin, he thought, what if he's thinking about earlier? About what I did earlier! What if he mentions it? What if he thinks I'm strange or bent or something? His inner voice answered: Well, are you?
Before he could answer he was brought back to reality by a bump against his shins…as he walked straight into the side of Remus' bed.
"Ouch. Shit!" he cried. Remus giggled and let go of Sirius' hand.
"Watch yourself Padfoot. You were miles away." And with that he climbed into bed.
How embarrassing…Sirius thought. He could feel the blood rushing to the surface of his cheeks, so he avoided Remus' eyes and busied himself by tucking the werewolf in. anything to avoid those brown eyes. I swear he can read my mind."Um…okay. So what are you doing?" Remus asked from under the sheets. He sounded exhausted but faintly amused.
"Tucking you in. Of course." Sirius stated off handedly, still avoiding his eyes.
"Of course" Remus agreed. "But why?"
"Because." Was all Sirius said, and it's all he would have said had one pale hand not spidered over his own to halt the movement.
"Sirius?" Sirius kept his eyes on the bed. Nothing else.
"Look at me." His eyes moved up, not of their own accord, but at the commanding voice. They found the face of a living doll. The gold brown eyes still burned with a faint fierce intelligence that was not wholly human. Only the plaster on the cheek ruined the illusion. Sirius could feel himself breaking.
"What are you afraid of?" Remus asked gently.
"Nothing." Sirius replied quickly. It seemed that would be his answer for everything.
"You're not telling the truth, you're not a very good actor, you know. Is this about what happened earlier?" the wolf asked, and the hand was removed, to move under Sirius' own and clasp at his fingers. Sirius was strangely confused, by the coaxing voice and the oddly possessive movement of the hand. His eyes clouded.
"Maybe."
"Don't be worried" Remus replied immediately. But it wasn't the commanding voice of the wolf but the gentle tone of his friend. Sirius truly saw Remus then and the other boy smiled happily.
"I'm not confused at all." Remus admitted. Sirius felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. Surely that couldn't mean what he thought. He fumbled thoughtlessly for his words.
"So…do you mean…you liked it?" he laughed nervously at his lack of better words and Remus laughed too, not unkindly.
"Of course I did!" Remus replied. He seemed to look straight through Sirius, but he sounded so sincere. "It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before." He didn't seem aware of it but his eyes were becoming glassy. When a tear ghosted down his cheek Sirius raised his free hand to wipe it away.
"Thank you." Remus whispered, Sirius smiled.
"Your shattered, I'm keeping you awake." Sirius said and Remus nodded.
"You're a blessing Sirius Black. I know what he meant now. I'm only glad I found you when I did." Sirius didn't know who "he" was but if he had to guess, he'd guess Remus meant the wolf, it appeared to be another entity altogether. He smiled, still surprised by the claim but before he could turn to leave Remus say sleepily "Don't I get a goodbye kiss again?"
Did I hear that right? When Sirius looked down and saw the hopeful smile painted over tired features all doubt was banished from his mind. He knelt down again, his eyes never leaving Remus'. Hesitantly and a little bit daring, he kissed him again for the second time that day. But instead of finding his cheek again, he found his lips.
It was only a chaste kiss, nothing like those melodramatic kisses he saw in muggle films, but it was the first of many and very unlike those he had shared with this and that girl on Valentines Day and other such events. There was something to this kiss, because he cared so much for this person. If Remus was surprised by the kiss, he was not showing it, he kissed back. Despite how pale Remus' lips are, Sirius thought, they still manage to be soft. That's sooo cheesy. He laughed into the kiss and broke away.
The laughter dissolved the nervous atmosphere and Remus smiled too, thankful for it.
"I heard that you came to see me in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey told me before I left." Remus said quietly, not breaking eye contact.
"Yeah. She wouldn't let me see you. Probably thought I'd wake you up." Sirius said hesitantly, feeling nervous again.
"You probably would have. But I wouldn't have minded, it's nice that you cared enough to come see me." Remus looked tired, and Sirius knew it would probably be best to just let the boy sleep. But he smiled still.
"We would have come to see you anyway. We normally do, don't we?"
"Yes…but it was you. So thanks." No more words were needed, as their eye contact spoke volumes. Despite the blush on Sirius' cheeks, the silence between them was not uncomfortable.
"Are you going to tell James?" Remus asked, eventually sounding more tired by the minute.
"Yeah. But not now. I'll tell him soon though." Sirius said truthfully. James was his best friend, he couldn't not tell him. "Don't worry about that now anyway. Sleep little wolf!" He smiled and patted down Remus' hair. "When you wake up, I'll be here." He added.
"Thank you." Remus said, sounding truly thankful. The moment his eyes fluttered shut he was sleep. For the first time in as long as he could remember his dreams were not haunted by unknown terrors, or terrors he knew only too well. Sirius's hand rested on Remus' and he looked down into the calm face of the person he never knew he would care so much about. He had never been in love before, so he would not be able to give a name to the complex feeling he was beginning to feel until much later.
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I really hope you enjoyed, it took me ages toget it all out. Please tell me what you think, and I want to say a huuuuge thank you to anyone that's ever read or reviewed this fic, you really don't know how much you've helped me out. Thank you!